5706

Had a treatment today. Spent a lot of time on issues dealing with how I'm "coping" with things--or how I'm not as the case may be. I've been rattling on recently about the box I'm in and can't seem to get out of.

Janice pointed out some common issues that people with this illness seem to manifest. One in particular is denial of feelings. I realized over a month ago that I've not had any strong emotional reactions to everything I've been dealing with. I've put myself into observer mode and kept the emotions in check. I've allowed the rituals to take over and distanced myself from any feelings about what's happened and continues to happen. I knew that something was amiss, but I've been carefully avoiding and denying.

Waiting to be dead! That's what it's been like. Not living, not expressing, not engaging, but falling back on ritual and repetition, and becoming more and more less alive.

Janice basically said that all of my symptoms are being fostered by my thoughts, by the way I'm hanging on to them and not letting in what's taken place. She said the issue is no longer physical, but mental--and in particular revolves around my inability (unwillingness) to experience joy. Hmmmm! It's what I flashed on during the past month--I don't know how to be joyful. I have a host of negative habits and patterns that I fall back to instead of just experiencing and expressing joyousness.

We spent part of the session working on ways to defuse those old habits and shift back into a feeling state of being. So be it! So let it be! So let me be!