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Faint dream memories. Hazy partial scenes that may or may not have been dream stuff. Could have been reverb images from the movie, Fight Club. Weird movie. Could see the Landmark influences. A lot of the dialog was right out of the various seminars.

Only thing that really hooked me was the question posed regarding being near death and what a person would like to do. If I knew I was dying, what is it that I would want to have done?

As I pondered that question, I realized that the question is not theoretical. Everyone is in the process of dying. Each minute brings us one step closer to the edge, the end, the final snooze. I know that I know that this is true, but I still act as if it's some distant future event. For whatever reasons, I am becoming more aware of this ending point and what I would like to have done before it arrives.

Of course, and as always, the word writer manifests and moves to center stage. I want to be a writer jumps into thought. But I am a writer, so that's not it. I want to write a body of work that reflects my soul, my being, the patch of inner clarity that I know I possess. I want to write some things of lasting grace--some things of importance and value to others.

So somewhere in last night's looking, listening, and dreaming I realized that if I wish to have this happen, for the stated condition to become true and real, that I need to be doing whatever it takes to make that happen. Everything, my health, my actions, my inactions, my constant thoughts must be such that they support the outcome--of me being a writer who writes things of lasting grace.

That focal idea and doses of food, walking, chiropractic and a nap makes me feel more integrated today. Yesterday, I was out of my body and into uncomfortable spaces of self pity, worry, fear, anxiety, stress, depression, feeling trapped, feeling hopeless, wanting to act but not doing anything. As evidenced by yesterday's post, I was tumbling and not coping well with where I find myself.

Had to get up and out this morning to make it to the chiropractor. Felt disoriented when I left. It's been a few days that I've driven anywhere. I spent all of yesterday, except for a jaunt to the grocery, indoors and not moving a lot. Movement helps break up the fuzz. Dance class tonight will help restore some of my equilibrium.

Men's team was supposed to go to Livermore tomorrow. I've not sent out a notice or anything. I really don't care to go, but could do so as long as I don't have to drive. Can't help reflecting on Fight Club and what the team used to be--when were closer to our original weekend. We've become pretty loose and flaky. Attrition has had its way with the group as a whole. Individuals are still functioning and on track, but some of us have lapsed and are wavering.

So what can I write that needs writing, that helps remove the veil? I am still feeling bombarded by where I am with everything and what I'm doing and not doing. At the grocery store today, I avoided talking to a person that I've know for some time--I was feeling small and frail and didn't want to present myself in that state. I did manage to say hello to an old neighbor. We exchanged a few catch-up facts, but nothing of substance or detail, nothing of importance. Not that every encounter has to be of ultimate importance, but it could be more--it could be more.

So I know (have known) where it is I need to go. Into a state of action where everything I do is directed toward my ultimate intention, the selected goal. I will spend some time this afternoon starting to sketch out how I can make that happen.

The final day of the month. A new month steps forward tonight. May I find the transition joyful, exciting, exhilarating and filled with light.