6203

Having a difficult time adjusting to new place, new routine. Feeling frantic and out of body in a lot of ways. Just did some exercises to ground myself. Looks like I'll need to keep doing that too keep myself from floating away.

Not certain how to characterize what's happening. It's like I've been tossed onto a strange planet and I'm having to figure things out anew for each task, each action. Has some relationship to having stopped ingesting caffeine. Oscillating between being tired and wanting to sleep, holing up and wanting to read, running out into the street yelling at the top of my lungs.

Realized in making this temporary move how isolated I've become, I've been. I'm feeling alone, isolated and not able to bring my actions into sharp focus. Some grief over losing my computer, although I did have the key items backed up.

But, I still shrink back when I think of what I will have to do to replace that computer and resurrect my old files, if that is even possible. I see clearly that I need to get stabilized. I need a stable place where I can settle in, settle down, and put some order in my situation. Right now, everything is too loose, too disorganized, too chaotic--even for me.

Fortunately, I'm able to use L's computer system to make do and write these posts. That means I can also continue my story-writing exercises once I get settled more and if I want to do that. L's setup is really jury rigged, but it's better than nothing. Could have been nothing. That would have sent me in a different direction. So old and alone. Not in the peak of health. Ailments and frailties manifesting where before there was nothing.

Interim solutions that have to be superseded by more comprehensive plans. Darkness and light; turbulence and stillness. These two weeks are giving me a chance to really reflect on exactly what it is I think I must do, where I must go, how I am to get there--to that place of stability and relative calm. A voice reminds me that I should have started sooner, but that's no longer a possibility. I have from now to then--not a great distance or space. A brief flicker of star light.
****************************
I will grow accustomed to my current state. I will be able to expand out from here once I'm past the initial shock and awe. I just didn't realize how fragile my systems are right now, how only a mild perturbation creates huge effects. Just went and got a bake-at-home pizza. Nice to have a kitchen, but this one requires a lot of learning curve to locate where things are kept. Pizza pan, pizza cutter, oven, timer, really crisp shell, leftovers for tomorrow, wrapping paper, scissors, etc. Lots of detailed thoughts versus being served a pizza.

Pizza was good, but now I just want to go back to sleep. Didn't fuel my system. Took as much energy as it gave--breakeven state. Don't know why I'm carrying on about the stupid pizza. Because I want to just keep writing until I write myself back to sanity. I am not fully functioning and somehow I hope that writing will make me so. Or will change the state to some other channel. I'm tired of the current show--it's pathetic, whiny and not healthy. Day has been overcast and cooler than other recent days. Feels good to be a bit cool versus sticky and warm.

My mind just shut down, came unlocked. I was wondering what I was writing about, why I was writing, and what I ever hope to accomplish with this narcisstic exercise. My mind went blank; it short circuited briefly, leaving a space into which nothing fell except my current thoughts. Which, by the way, just went to ice cream. Hmmm.

What a tangled web we weave when first we practice with our sleeve. Now the turbulence of the mindstorms begins to produce trivia and tales. Requisite dimensions unfold and elaborate. There are currents everywhere, but none with the energies of the ideations.

Time to repent, relent, re-rent, resent, remain unbent. Have to mention issue of viagra and blindness--perhaps the old wives' tales were right--about too much sex and blindness. Oh, well. Enough of this old rambling stuff. Almost.

Completed the Doctorow book, City of God. Made it through and finally began to understand some of its structure and wanderings, but still a difficult read. Back to good old Munro and some quiet narratives, unfolding tales.