5458-5457

Good session with JJ yesterday. She worked with me on attitude issues, which are keeping me stuck in place. The biggest one is maintaining an attitude of "I am alive and I have symptoms" versus "I have symptoms and I'm dying." I've been playing the second attitude tape repeatedly and not allowing myself to enjoy (affirm, act on, play with, and so forth) my aliveness. I've shut down and have been stumbling around looking for the power switch. The news is--the switch is already in the on position--I just need to open my mind (heart, soul, spirit) and let that fact register.

She was direct with me and called me on my wimpy way of dealing with this situation. It's like I've given up and can't get back up--so I stay prone (sleep, rests, naps) and wait for something "magical" to happen that will restore things to the way they were. It ain't going to happen! Things have changed and I need to wake up and start being responsible for where I'm headed. I'm not completely clear on what I need to do to change directions, but I know I need to be doing something--because I am alive.

It's clear to me that I've been dealing with things from the perspective of "I have symptoms and I'm dying." With this attitude, I've been swimming in place and not making a lot of progress. JJ indicated that many of her patients seem to adopt this negative attitude and put their full recovery on hold. It's not something she or the team can fix--they can only point out the obvious--I have to make the adjustment/changes. It's up to me!

I actually got into a concrete situation last night that became my first "alive" act. When I got home yesterday, it was scorching--at least mid-90's. Of course, I just wanted to lay down/rest after driving over and back to SC--get something to eat and get some rest. As I was sitting in my only lounge chair, the fabric that ran across the top, which supports the chair back, ripped apart and collapsed the chair. Suddenly, I was without a comfortable place to sit, it was really warm in the apartment, it was nearly 5pm--what was I to do?

I said to myself that I was alive and needed to act. I drove to IKEA, found a recliner-style chair that was comfortable, bought it, and took it home. I then proceeded to assemble the chair (one of the challenging IKEA puzzle activities) and several hours later, and with a lot of real sweat, had a new chair. It's much better than the old one (which went into the recycle bins)--sits better and is more supportive.

I had symptoms, but I was alive and acted. First step of many similar steps, hopefully. I fell asleep in the new chair last night. Today, I continued to affirm my "aliveness" as the day unfolded. Nothing done as crucial or satisfying as last night's activity, but the intention is righting the ship. Sail on! Sail on! Sail on!