1768-1766

My thoughts are a scramble--I'm flopping back and forth trying to put some form around the chaos that I feel. On Tuesday-last, I had the biopsy procedure--and yesterday I got the preliminary reading. Not good news--I'll not hear exactly what was discovered until I meet with the recommended doctor.

I'm having a tough time even mentioning the illness--I have PD and now another disease. The biopsy indicated that I have lymphoma--a cancer of the lymph system. There are over 100 possible types of this disease--and even with the low probabilities of getting any one of these, I have won the lottery.

The diagnosis confirms why I've been having so much trouble with my energy levels--and why I have this big lump that materialized on my neck so quickly. Part of the lymph system underwent an attack--and triggered a reaction that is altering cells and using my energy resources to keep itself active. At least, that's what seems to be happening--but I'll not know for sure what is happening until I see the oncologist (lump speaker?).

I'm pausing here--and may come back later to fill in more thoughts. But right now--I just want to stop the buzz and move a bit.

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I dreamed last night (or did a visualization) of how I want this story to play out--like the guy in the seminar suggested that everyone do. My story would play out like this--I would heal from the cancer and in about a year, I'd be ready to move. To where--to India? My SS monthly payments are about 4 times the cost of living in India--and most of it would be spent on medical bills (here or there). I would actually get more for each dollar spent in India--whereas here I'll be faced with medical costs that will quickly eat up my SS stipend. It would take a lot of work to make such a story happen--but it will take a lot of work to stay here.

Anyway, that was last night's visualization--one the let me fall asleep despite the dog's howling, barking, and doing generally nutty things.

May tonight's dreams be even more explicit--dreams from the edge of sleep.