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Dreams | of more people | meeting lots of people in my dreams.

Was reading more in the Almaas book last night. The topic had to do with surrender, true surrender. I could feel my self wanting to reach out and accept what is so for me, like an aching deep within. I tried to hold on to that sensation as I fell asleep, but the momentary hint of it that appeared when I was reading was not retrievable. Wanting to surrender, hoping to surrender so that I may accept, fully, what is so for me.

In the PDRecovery materials there is a lot of emphasis placed on changing attitudes--from adrenaline-based actions and thoughts to joy-based intentions and observations. They repeat how healing, complete recovery, requires a fundamental shift, a new way of holding experience and what is being projected via thoughts. They emphasize how it cannot be a perfunctory saying that there's been a shift, but a shift has to be experienced. Play instead of doubt; fun instead of anger; joy instead of fear.

I found myself today thinking often about my "condition" and what it implies. I see myself always reaching for outcomes instead of staying with the here and now. They talk in the handbook about accepting everything about the disorder, including the malfunctions. The goal is not to get rid of the shaking, but to allow the shaking to teach me what I need to be doing with my thoughts about my shaking. It seems simple until I attempt to surrender, accept, let be, and allow. As soon as I head in those directions, the "voices" rise up and begin the litany of denials, doubts, and derailments. Even this last statement is not entirely accurate. I don't even know what I was trying to communicate.

I oscillate between some movement and wanting to just sleep. Hours slide past both quickly and very slowly--both at the same time. I look up and wonder where the day has gone. I look again and notice that I've only been awake, engaged for a relatively short period of time. And despite the slight variations, the days become like one--they seem to be the same.

Where is this going? I don't know. I'm just writing to empty, to let loose of some of these palls that are hanging near me, about me, around me. I'm looking for the joy, for the acceptance (the place of acceptance), for the things I can have gratitude for at this time, this place, this moment. The mind is really tricky. If I make a list of the things for which I am grateful, I also silently create a list of my fears.

Was reading in the PDRecovery Handbook of the mind games they use to get people to move out of their frozen postures and dystonias. They discuss how PDer's have difficulties doing "let's pretend" exercises. Theoretically, I should have no such problem given my history, background, and experiences. Yet, I know that there is a kernel of truth in this arena for me--I have always had difficulty in this arena--I simply hid it well, pushed myself to make breakthroughs despite my fears, all with the prod of adrenaline-based thoughts and actions. What I was being asked to do was by definition "fun," but I turned it into work, challenge, effort.

This was especially so over the year and a half I spent at the toy company. No wonder I came away from there feeling like I'd been hit with a cattle prod. My adrenaline machine was broken and my joy-based system was completely turned off. Time for a breakdown and that's what I got.

Yesterday provided the counter example--restorative yoga put me in a state of grace--a state of deep relaxation that cleared away the dissonance. Joy over fear; stillness over action. That activity was the precursor to the longing for surrender--it led me there.