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Dreams | of being with a group of men | we were out having a good time | at one point we were speeding down a street in a car | driving too fast | but having fun.

Mixed today so far today. Didn't sleep all that fully last night for no good reason. Should have been able to sleep more than I did. M&E went dancing and came back about the time the rains started. Been intermittent deluge most of the early morning hours and through the day.

I got up and did Qigong, but faded out right afterwards. Made some carrot juice, which was tasty, but then faded again. Practicing letting go--since I don't seem to have much of a choice in it all.

Read through a series of messages on the PDrecovers message board on Yahoo. The all dealt with being cured versus healing. Thrust of the messages was that being cured come from outside, healing yourself comes from within. Good set of messages given where I seem to be with things right now. I want to heal myself and I'm in a major battle with my ego, who's looking for a cure. The amount of chatter on my internal dialog is really high. I'm watching as my mind goes here and there, and everywhere--except to that place within where healing occurs. My mind keeps manufacturing obstacles and what ifs instead of being at rest, at peace.

So, I've been meditating on the rain--each time a shower comes I remind myself to let go, let be, let what is be. I don't always remember to keep doing that and allow my mind/ego to start the chatter again.

I'm unbelievably weak. It's like my body has run out of steam. It makes a few movements and then wants to collapse again. Let it be; let it go! M&E are here to take care of things. It's handled, I know it's handled, yet I continue the negative chattering and doom scenario-making.

Getting closer to Monday and going to the first session. It's been a long trip in many ways just getting to that meeting. Been here at M&E's for a week now--perhaps the longest week of my life. Let it all go! I chose this path, this route, this condition. My mind chimes in and inserts the thought that it would be better with a map. It would be, but that's now how it's been put together. The rain sings a chorus of let it be, let it go.

Words upon words lead the way to the healing place. Down the spiral staircase of the soul, into the center of being, the place with no name. Down the rabbit hole!
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Had something happen tonight that is amazing--After dinner, the symptoms abated and have nearly disappeared. I feel energized with no need to lie down and collapse. The only thing that I did differently was drink an Ensure before dinner. Then had a simple healthy meal. Is it possible that most of the symptoms are related to low glucose levels (hypoglycemia)? Did nothing really different today over yesterday, except for the Ensure. The test will be whether I get a good sleep tonight and what happens when I awake. I'll start tomorrow off with another Ensure and see if the energy levels stay up. A tentative assumption--perhaps the healing is underway. I can deal with things the way I feel right now. Thank everyone for their prayers and good thoughts. Let go; let be!