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Dreamed last night, but didn't put them into dream cache memory. So, they have fallen back into the dream pool, ready to be caught again.

Morning went OK. Fell back some from yesterday's energy levels and easing of vibrations. This afternoon has been better, quieter. It is really still right now. Perhaps the calm before the storm. Heard it was supposed to start raining. Have been moving aimlessly about town today. Monitoring, watching, listening, but not doing. Keep having thought glimpses that try and imagine where all this will lead, how it will turn out. No way to know, but the mindscape can run continuous scenarios showing all kinds of results.

Heard a comment on NPR today about Kubler-Ross's five stages (of grief, of dying, of dealing with anything that is not wanted): denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I find that I'm cycling back and forth between stages one and four, skipping over anger (What? Me get angry? Not likely!) and bargaining (something I hate to do). Denial leads me down paths of optimistic fantasies and then I fall into the pit of depression when I sense the fantasies will not resolve the situation.

I am willing to jump directly into acceptance, only when I do so it looks, smells, tastes a lot like denial. I'm not authentically accepting, whatever that may look like.

Feels like rain. Feels like a waiting taking place, a hovering, a misty promise. I have had glimpses of clearness over the past few days, clearness and a sense of returning from the world of the dead. Nothing huge so far; nothing of monumental designation. Just peeks into a place, a space, a face that I have known, have been, have encountered long ago.

I'm uncomfortable--physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and in all other ways of being. I reach for the acceptance ring, but grasp empty air, empty thoughts, empty reasons. I fail to see reality or engage with its consequences. I drift, I float, I wander, and I wait. A huge period of existential waiting to which I am accustomed, of which I know too well.

I need more data. I need more information about likely outcomes if I have the disease. There are huge voids in what I can see of my future, voids that need filling. They can be filled either with data or with acceptance--true acceptance. All paths lead to the mountain; all rivers become the sea.