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L asked a pertinent question in one of her emails--How will I know when I'm fully recovered?
What's my benchmark?

Yesterday, Janice spoke of a client who asked that the treatments be such that she would feel like a "normal person." I absolutely know what that person was talking about. This illness, for me, is like carrying a creature on my shoulder who constantly makes me aware of its presence. No matter what I do, I am aware of the creature perched up there, influencing my actions.

If I recover to the point that I become unaware of the creature, I will then be a "normal person."

Today, I went to the Felton Library (a postage stamp room full of books and computers) and got a card to use the system. Turns out, if you have a library card from another county, you can get a local card by just filling out a form and showing some ID. Smooth! Of course, they don't have a massive selection the pickings are slim.

I had a poltergeist experience while there. Two books came off the shelves that were near me, but not that near. The librarian looked puzzled when she saw the books drop from the shelving.

Visited the ReflectiveHappines site (suggested by G). I took two tests that they offer--a happiness test and a depression test. I came away unhappy and depressed. I took the tests (40+ questions total) and they didn't get scored. Bummer!

The questions were interesting--sort of a scale of five type ranking of some aspect of the past week. Looking at the questions, it's obvious that if I pick all level 5 answers on the happiness test, then I'm a happy person, QED. Also if I pick all level 1 answers on the depression test, then I'm not depressed. Good lesson for me in answering the questions--my responses were near the mid-range in both tests (perhaps a little below mid-range on depression). So I'm not exuberantly enthusiastic or totally paralyzed. That information is disappointing, but good to know. I need to push myself further into the happiness sector and minimize the depressive thoughts and actions. (So what's new? Me knowing where I sit.)

Got out and somewhat about today. Laundry (which I forgot to pick up), walk (short one), shopping, practices (Qigong, yoga, cardio, reflection, talk to body--didn't do enough today--let things slide), ate, rested, library, and such.

Winding down (up, sideways) the 4-week intensive sessions. Four weeks ago, I wouldn't have given odds on me still being here and still doing treatments. My prior back then was bleak. Dark thoughts crowding themselves into my little mind. Now that I've made it this far, I can envision making it all the way--to full recovery--to feeling like a "normal person."

I get glimpses and peeks of being in that blessed state. I also encounter the frailty I am carrying still--I'm stronger every day, but I'm still in the starting blocks--I'm not yet fully restarted and in the race.

There are moments where my brain feels like it's about to explode or overheat. There are also moments when I'm clear and steady. And, I can't always predict when it will be which way. But, I'm learning and beginning to notice the difference.

Double sessions tomorrow. The sessions have been, for the most part, fun. They've been challenging, they've stretched me, and they have been of great value. Onward to more of them I go! (After I pick up my laundry in the early morning.)