5249-5247

Lost in space! Somehow I missed 2 days of postings. Slept little to none over those nights, whichever nights they were. Switched away from the Broth--it was too heavy for my system. Went back to my dairy diet--feels better even if it isn't. Still losing weight and feeling fairly weak. Saw the PCP today. He gave me a drug for insomnia and an antidepressant. Will do the insomnia one tonight and hopefully sleep the sleep. Then tomorrow will start the antidepressant. Feel better already just thinking about all that.

Had an hour of grace today that was truly spiritual--like a warm beam of light was shining down on me. It was lovely and made me feel well--as if the source were in me. Like the mantra that Luca gave me yesterday after the acupressure session (yes, I did get out yesterday--first time in weeks). Used the bus to get to the PCP today.

I know what my lesson is in all this (especially after not sleeping for days on end)--the physical body and the self are not the same--connected but not the same. I'm learning a lot now--way too much, but why not?

Here is the checklist I used with the PCP today. He was really helpful. He asked the hard questions, not harshly but gently. He helped me see how chaotic I've been and some of the road I have to travel. It's not pretty nor is it going to be all that easy or simple.
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Med Notes for meeting with doctor – 1/11/08

Summary
 1 month ago was walking 1.5/2 miles per day, was exercising 30 minutes every day, and metabolism/gut was sensitive but OK.
 Started with light anxiety with some sleep loss – less sleep each night.
 Anxiety became more intense – I just thought that it was part of the PD symptoms (tremor and shaking). Progressively increased.
 Noticed with less sleep/more anxiety a loss of energy, loss of weight, and increased cog-fog.
 Varying food amounts didn’t seem to affect sleep/anxiety/energy.
 Xmas went to urgent care – sleep deficit, extreme anxiety, weakness, cog-fog.
 Did a blood panel, examination, was given some Ativan so I could get some sleep.
 Took ½ of a tablet of Ativan and felt somewhat better that evening and next day.
 Symptoms returned. Tried a 2nd Ativan cycle, but left me slow, more tired, weaker, and greater cog-fog.
 Past few weeks, changed diet – no effect – still sleepless, anxious, fading energy, weight loss, cog-fog, and more constipation (more animal protein in diet).
 However, it seems to be related to when I eat – shaking does subside eventually after I eat and appears again later. Like hypoglycemia in some ways.

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 Is it possible that metabolism (digestion) is not working? What about pancreas, adrenals, thyroid, etc.

 Need some sleep/lower anxiety – both would help – without using a heavy drug. Cannot handle Ativan – leaves me more tired, slow and increased cog-fog.

 Feel that I’m on the verge of a total collapse – poor sleep for over a month, on-going anxiety, low energy, and weight loss.

 Urinary issues – very frequent, seems like what goes in comes right out, involuntary dribble and some release after thinking I am through.

 Place on stomach – tender spot with rough spots.

 Skin – massive dryness.

 Have tested (saliva) positive for H-pylori and Toxoplasma titre. H-pylori confirmed with an antigen stool tests. Toxoplasma requires a PSR serum test (PAMF does them).

 Same saliva test showed – Total Salivary SIgA depressed, cortisol-DHEA correlation near adrenal fatigue levels.

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There was much to discuss--and now much to do and be done. Onward and onward! I weighed in today at 146 pounds. Turn on the eating/digestion machine! About time for my pill!

5251-5250

Despite the delicious soup, I'm feeling weak. The Ativan slows everything down and produces more weakness. I'm getting some sleep, but it's not really deep. Still feeling sleep-deprived but not as much anxiety. Will see PCP on Friday and apparently not do much else until then other than eat, sleep (sort of), and wash dishes.

Difficult to tell that I was walking each day, exercising each day, driving, etc. just a month ago--and now am nearly immobilized. I still think it's something to do with my digestion--not getting sufficient nutrients no matter what I eat. The soup is nutrient-rich and should sustain an athlete. I've lost weight. I weighed 148 lbs. at the doctor's office--that's down from where I had gained some back.

Things that the PCP will need to address: PD symptoms, anxiety, lack of sleep, weakness, food assimilation, dry skin (all over), Ativan's added symptoms, and some miscellaneous issues (urination, tender spots on my stomach surface, etc.). I'm a basket case! And the beat goes on! Thinking's got a bit cleared with some sleep but I'm still fairly fuzzy. And the beat goes on!

Time for lunch (already!). Chicken's in the pot! It's staying hot! What have you got?

5252

Got some sleep yesterday and last night--not 100% but I'll take it! I wrote a friend to give her an update on my situation--here's some excerpts--

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What flared up was (is) a full-force anxiety attack that got fueled by an inability to sleep for over a month. The PD symptoms were not much different, but amplified and confounded by the anxiety and lack of sleep. I finally got a prescription for some Ativan--enough to hold me until I see my PCP. Got those yesterday and got some sleep last night. Will see the PCP this Friday.

Unfortunately, this whole episode sent me to the bottom of any reserves I might have had. I am weak and have stopped driving. Remember MO? I called her for advice since she's had a lot of hospice experience. Bless her, she stepped in and has helped out with food prep, laundry, cleaning this place, rides, shopping and morale/spiritual support. She given me a possibility of getting through this and back on track. A miracle and definitely angelic intervention.

Unless further miracles happen, I won't be able to move anywhere in March. If I do have to move (rents may force me to do so) and unless I can turn things around, I may need to be in a limited home care situation. I really don't know what I'm going to do, can do. I've limited resources which I could make do if I don't have major unexpected expenses--but if I'm to need home care or major medical intervention, those resources would be gone in a flash.

Sorry to dump this at you--today's the first semi-clear thought day in weeks--and your email came up first. I really appreciated your offer of sharing your home. If I were more well, it would be wonderful. But if I don't get more functional, I'm going to need some form of assistance.

I'll be talking to the neurologist about using PD medications, but not until we resolve this anxiety issue. With it out of the picture, I can tell what the PD symptoms are doing and determine if I have to go that way. A month ago, I had the cleanest, clearest and quietest 36 hours that I've ever had on this program--and then comes the anxiety-from-hell days and nights. I thought I had made it--recovered! New Year's Surprise!
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Napped some today! Plan on getting more sleep tonight versus last night! MO's making a new batch of soup. I'm feeling full tonight. Nice to be thinking straight again (or at least as straight as I ever have. May this nodule of clarity expand and encompass all.

Last night I had a very peaceful grace period. Lit some of my new candles and played a CD--sat quietly awaiting dream time.

5254-5253

Friday night I ended up awake almost all night. The cumulative effect is zapping. Can't think, can't move, can barely do anything. Called the clinic and got an appointment to see a doctor. He gave me some anti-anxiety medication (Ativan). I have enough to take a tab a day until next week's meet with my PCP. We'll figure a strategy for moving on.

Nice to feel human again (or was all that pain and turmoil more human?)

MO has been a rock through all this--cleaning the entire place, making food, shopping, and supporting me with coaching and working with issues. A blessing incarnate!

As I become unfogged, I realize that there's a lot of issues that I need to address and make plans around--lots of them. I'm going to need help in a lot of ways--and I can't postpone them until I end up in a jam like I'm in now. But no extra anxiety needed tonight--rest and sleep--rest and sleep!

5255

Did sleep a bit more last night. Ativan (or intention) quieted the shaking early on. Awoke around 1am, but got back to sleep. Woke up this morning around 5am--did some cat napping until I got up around 7pm. Felt like I could still use more sleep but shaking emerged.

Felt foggy all day, but light on symptoms. MO brought the pot (huge pot!) of Brasco Broth about mid-morning. She then proceeded to go shopping for some needed supplements. Came back and attacked the bathroom and kitchen--left them sparkling--cleaner than when I moved in. In between cleanings, she led me through some dowsing readings and some EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) sessions--very interesting! We dowsed for insights into why (in the big picture) I'm going through all this. We used EFT to release some emotional blockages. She is a dynamo! She was up early to complete the broth and then came over to clean and heal. I am humbled and so grateful for her presence at this time.

The broth is delicious! Rich and satisfying. I've felt good since I had a bowl for lunch. Just finished a big bowl for dinner that left me sated. Will sleep tonight without Ativan (dowsing said don't take it). The food has left me feeling good. Chicken soup is king! That's all I'll be eating for a while. Will add other supplements and eventually other foods as time goes by. The goal is to retread the intestinal tract--kill off evil critters and make new cells. Working great already!

She'll be back tomorrow to do the other two rooms plus whatever errands might emerge. She gave me some homework to do around EFT--unless I fall asleep first--which seems likely to happen. Onward and onward! Follow the Spirit!

5257-5256

Sleepless in Palo Alto still-- here's recap of those lost times--

************New Year's Night********
Last night went a bit better. Still had ramp up of going from being quiet in the "grace" period to becoming more awake--but around 10:30pm got sleepy. Nodded off for about 2.5 hours and awoke around 1am. Managed to get back to sleep and slept until around 5am--a bit later than it's been. Tossed/turned until about 6am and got up and ate an apple (I was feeling hungry). Apple was refreshing and went back to bed and managed to nod off for another hour. When I awoke, and took a dose of flowers and made a cup of CALM.

I seem to notice two types of shaking/tremors--the PD-related shaking in my arm and shoulder, and a body-based shaking in my body/stomach area. The body-based shaking can involve my legs, both arms and shoulders, and my stomach/torso. When I'm quieter, the tremor is more localized in my arm shoulder, and is not so intrusive. This phenomena underscores your thoughts that what's happening is diet-related. Will focus on eating veggies/rice/beans for now and see what happens.

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Last night had a small "grace" period window around 8pm and fell asleep around 10pm... Woke up at midnight and couldn't get back to sleep--made for a long night...

In the afternoon, I noticed a bubble of anxiety being handled by the CALM remedy--I felt the ease-up... But CALM and flowers taken around bedtime didn't affect the shaking during the night... Has to be something other than anxiety... Foods don't seem to affect the shaking that much either--still getting the shakes despite dropping sugars... Like my pancreas is out of whack and doing a hypoglycemic dance anyway (although the blood work they did on Xmas day showed glucose within the normal range while the shaking was present)... Is a puzzlement!

Been starting to deal with home care issues... I've asked the doctors to figure out something that'll let me get some sleep--can't go another week at this pace...

***********MIRACLE*************

Through a for-sure miracle, I contacted a friend of mine who has done a lot of work in this area of need. She volunteered to do everything I would be asking a home care service to do (rides, shopping, food prep, cleaning, laundry and anything else that's needed). What an angelic person! She just stepped in and made space in her life to do this. I am really touched. Among other roles, she's a Reiki practitioner and intuitive counselor. I feel so blessed! I can just let go--let God. I've known her for over 25 years--I knew she was a compassionate person, but not at this level. I'm truly grateful for her wondrous gift.

She's probably making a pot of Brasco Broth (a la the Rubin/Brasco book). Looking forward to eating some tomorrow. Here's a link to the recipe -- http://www.gardenoflife.com/wol_recipe_brasco_broth.shtml

It and a set of supplements restores and rebuilds the intestinal track. Health always comes down to chicken soup!

I couldn't get in to see a doctor today about sleep issue--maybe tomorrow. I took half of the tab of Ativan to see if I sleep well like on Xmas night--can't be worse than last night. As I said in an earlier note--seems like everything I eat gets a "boink" from the pancreas.

Looking forward to some snooze tonight--may it be so!