6170

Dreamed last night of being in an abandoned studio. It was a place where I'd once worked. I was there to inventory a bunch of miscellaneous items that had been left there at some point. I could remember that there were items in closets and on shelves. I would tell people where to look, they would look there and find what I had mentioned. The dream was about cleaning up a space that had been cleared, but not left tidy.

A second part of the dream involved having to jury-rig some equipment to handle an emergency. Something had happened and we were stranded in the abandoned studio. We needed to communicate with the outside world, but didn't have anything that worked. Phones were dead and beepers were disabled. I remembered a piece of communications gear that we had used a long time ago to connect two computers. I knew where that item was stored (up on a shelf, high up a wall). I told people where to look and they found it. We then hooked up some computers and communications lines to the box and were able to send and receive messages. We used this setup to contact people who could help rescue us.

Have Qigong class today, hopefully with the regular teacher. I want to experience how he teaches--not just how his students handle a class. Went to the talk last night with the ex-professor of Buddhist Philosophy. It was an interesting talk and provided me with a couple of key items on my current journey.

I was struck this morning by the lushness of the garden that surrounds where I live. Dozens of plants, most in bloom or at least growing prolifically. I could sense the rich bubble of Qi that emits from the plants and blossoms. A garden of Qi all around me. What good fortune.

Thought about Qi as I lay on the adjustment table at the chiropractor's office this morning. How I could call upon my Qi to help him channel his Qi and help me heal.

Seems that I have Qigong on my mind, in my consciousness. The healing power of the universe manifests everywhere. I only need to attend to what's around me.

Saw P from the yoga center and RS talking together at breakfast this morning. Perhaps RS is doing some work for P and his studio. Good for them.

I'm noticing health in people. Last night there were several people in the audience who were obvious meditators--there skin glowed with a health and radiance. Today at breakfast, I saw people who were alive, awake and in health--others whose Qi was blocked or stagnated and were tipping toward illness and disease.

My goal--to become radiantly healthy once again. I'm not in that state right now, but I'm moving in that direction. Qigong class today will be another step along that path, as will dancing tonight.

Writing this journal is also a part of me becoming fully in health. Just keeping my promise to myself to try and write each day, throw some poems in my poetry blog, and maintain my Qigong blog are all steps along the path.

Another step is imagining that I'll be the first MegaMillion lottery winner from California. I've bought my tickets--now let the luck flow in.

6171

Several dreams last night. One took place in a design shop. I happened to bump into one of the directors of the shop and he invited me in to look at some of their latest projects. They had developed some unique properties that could be used in many forms in electronic media. The shop was nothing special, just a renovated warehouse with high ceilings and exposed vent and electrical systems. There was no indication in the office layout that the design team were so innovative and leading edge. The place looked utilitarian and basically functional.

After looking over several of their designs and concepts, I had to move on. I had a plane to catch. The trip to the airport became the second dream. The roads were packed. I was concerned that I would miss my flight. The surroundings looked like a city in Asia. There was nothing familiar except various signs with airplane images and arrows pointing to the terminals. At one point, I had gotten into a snarl of vehicles and couldn't progress. I took a side street and found myself on an airplane taxi lane. There were planes coming toward me. The lane was narrow with just enough room on the left to pull in tight and let the planes pass. I made it up the lane, against plane traffic, and ended up at the terminals. At that point, I awoke.

There were other dream fragments, none of which I recall in detail. The striking thing about all of the scenes was the clarity of the images (people, vehicles, aircraft, etc.) and the sense of everything being functional and basic. No mysterious beings and no futuristic objects. Just plain, matter of fact people, places, things. The only unusual items were the designs I was shown in the shop.

Getting a slow start today. Dance class, last night, was great, but exhausting. Two new dances (Gordita Linda and another one) plus reviews of last week's dances and a few others. Two hours went by in a flash. I retired to the BR ice cream parlor for the Tuesday night special--$1 a scoop ice cream. I had Thunder and Lightning.

Tonight will go to bookstore for talk by a Tibetan professor of Buddhist Philosophy. Getting into a good rhythm with everything--reading, dreaming, sleeping, writing, practicing, eating, and such. Feeling myself balancing out, coming to a still point.

Spent some time yesterday (and will do so today) combing Craigslist for possible work (gig) opportunities and the perfect housing option. There are some strange listings on the list. Makes it interesting to browse and see what the world is up to--sort of.

Well, to maintain my physical body, I need to get out and find some lunch/brunch/munch. Can't loose any more weight, have to stop and masticate.

6172

Triple set of dreams last night. And, I've managed to lose two of them. The one that remains dealt with camping. It was like a troop of boy scouts, but we were less organized, more freeform in our various approaches to what to do in the wild.

I had hiked away from the base camp and had traveled along a ridge until I'd come to an overlook. Below was a lush valley and vista that was breathtaking. I had found that spot and stayed there as long as I could. I needed to get back to camp in time to get a ride back home.

As I was walking back, one of the other scouts jogged ahead of me. He had come in from the right where there was a path that led to a lake. He'd been fishing and was carrying some fish in his pack. He ran everywhere. He quickly ran out of sight ahead of me.

That's all I recall right now. Seems that there was another dream that involved my daughter, but am not sure what it was about. And then the mysterious third dream that's now back into the dream lake.

I posted an update to my Qigong blog this morning. Or rather, it posted itself. Feeling good about that blog and where it can go--where I can go as well.

Dance class tonight--looking forward to that since I didn't dance this weekend. At least not in an actual line--maybe in my dreams.
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Summer day outside. Major heat, but some breezes to help knock off the sizzle. Replenished the larder (if two shelves and a mini-fridge can be referred to that way). No pineapple juice at TJ's. Big disappointment! But, life happens.

Popped in on L since she was eating lunch at home. I had a frittata for lunch (same-o, same-o) and it was good, as usual. Ran a few errands, but the heat drove me back inside--especially since I picked up some yogurt. Too much heat makes the yogurt watery. Sounds like a folk song.

Think it's almost afternoon nap time. Listen to the winds and let the eyes rest. Peaceful serenades.

6173

Started a Qigong blog (chi-kung.blogspot.com). Feels really right to have done so. Something I've been looking for in all of my random blogging.

Feel lucky that URL was available. Took a little bit of poking about to discover that the current one was open. Added all of the changes to profile and blog descriptions, as well as comments' settings to make all three of my blogs more accessible.

Managed to dredge up some basic HTML memories to customize the Qigong site a little. The Qi was with me on that exploration.

Feeling good about going from thought to actuality on the Qigong blog so quickly. Helped to have had the past few months of warmups with this blog and star-thrower.blogspot.com.

Still reading as I go on down the blogger's trail. Reading Jahnke's newest book on Qi and the O. Henry 2003 stories.

Ate like a horse today. Probably the most food I've consumed in a single day since I don't know when.

Sent B-day cards to my sons--Happy Birthday Kids! Kids that are now 35 and 36, respectively.

In posting to the Qigong blog, I was trying to relate a bit of history as to how I came to be doing the exercises. I wrote out a blob of stuff and then realized that my faulty memory had turned things around and upside down--like normal. I then glanced over my 2004 journal entries (not blogged) and realized that I was having problems (healthwise) early last year. And that there were other triggering events that created issues for me and led to where I am now.

Anyway, I have to excavate my own history and see what pieces together--what was the chronology of my decline and disruption. Will be good to get a clear view of what happened and when. Then, move on to continuing to heal and restore. I'm fortunate to have the space and time to do so.

Oh, yes! I had a very technical dream last night. It involved troubleshooting a network of computer stations. I ran some diagnostics that isolated the issue and then helped everyone to clear their stations and resolve the problems. The dream was very matter-of-fact. Almost mechanical in how it played out and looked.
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I think I have rats in my roof. The roof in my room is the floor of a second floor veranda. It sounds like rats or squirrels have made a nest between the floor of the veranda and the ceiling of my room. Can hear scrabbling noises either in the wall or the ceiling. Hmmm!

Rats in my hats. Drats! Where are the cats? Asleep on the slats, rats!

6174

Million Dollar Baby was a good piece of work. Carried a lot of messages--and sadness as well as exhilaration. Freeman, Swank, and Eastwood all did good work--lots of feeling and humanity in their characters. Script was well done--simple and not verbose--clean and clear.

Woke up early this morning. No reason to do so, but I did anyway. Got up and did a round of Qigong, gulped some kefir, went out for a breakfast (scramble and OJ at midtown cafe), read some, surfed some, got a haircut, bought some clothes (to cover my skinny self), wasted time, went to L's for some Pad Thai and fresh fruit, had an ice cream and now want to take a nap.

Energy is on and off today. I can feel it when it's on and when it checks out. It's like a circuit that sometimes makes and sometimes doesn't. Intermittent. Not continuous in one direction or the other. Bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball.

Becoming late Sunday evening now and the shadows are starting to form, to unravel and blend with the coming night.

Just bounced out and set up a new blog site -- Qigong. Was amazed that the name was available. Nothing but an empty site right now, but there's room to play. Just what the doctor ordered--a site for insights. I am suddenly electrified by the possibilities, the potential.

The signs and signals seem to be pointing me into new domains, new places, new possibilities. Only need to follow the indicators. Follow the yellow brick road or maybe the Yellow Emperor. Click my heels and see what appears, what manifests. Somehow, it is all different this time--new flow. Not the same old patterns, but something more open and malleable.

Anyway, a moment's thought becomes reality. Now, I just need to fill the space with creative elements. I thank the universe (and bloggerville) for the opening. Let there be Qi and as much light as I can command. With wondrous joy, I continue with the dance.

6175

Measure out my days in Qigong cups. Been eating like a horse. Seeing that I'd lost nearly 30 pounds must have triggered a survival mechanism in my metabolism. Eat or die screams the psyche. So, I've been eating. Having odd cravings--frozen yogurt, ice cream, donut, you name it. Had a cup of chai today despite my having kicked the caffeine habit and knowing that the drink will probably have some repercussions of its own.

Feeling energetic for the most part. Am aware of the weakness in my upper arms a bit more than usual, but overall energy on the plus side of the scale. Breathe and let go, breathe and let be. Finding those moments of free flowing Qigong--waiting in line, losing a parking space, in a lot of little places and events.

Did my laundry. I guess Saturday morning is going to become my ritual time to use the Laundromat. Didn't get rolling as early as I had planned, but finally got things cleaned and dried. 24-hour donut place next to the laundry is an interesting location. It has a free WiFi connection, plus coffee drinks, sandwiches, and all kinds of donut concoctions. Sticky buns are especially good as are the apple fritters. They also make egg croissant sandwiches. Good stuff and an aid in getting through a laundry cycle.

Well, didn't have beginner's luck with the Mega Million lottery play last night. Bought a new ticket (5 plays) for Tuesday's draw. Someone in the state won nearly $300,000 for having 5 correct picks (without the Mega Number). So, they experienced beginner's luck.

Dreams last night were vivid and detailed. One sequence involved an office and cubicles of people. We were trying to set up a WiFi network that would put everyone in the place online. I was helping direct the efforts and was busy giving instructions and suggestions to the installation crew. There were some subtleties that had to handled in order to make the system work for everyone.

A second dream involved an apartment. I was living there with my two sons. There was some renovations being made to the place and some reworking of furniture and room layouts. I was directing the efforts. I was married and there was a woman living in the place. She was not anyone I know and was like a specter in the various dream scenes. The renovation work was making the place pretty chaotic, but it was progressing and things were getting done.

I can see the face of the woman in the dreams--she looks like she's underwater and her features shapeshift as I look at her.

Read more of the Jahnke book. It's really filled with anecdotes, historical excerpts and information. He's been doing the practice for over 20 years and it shines through his writing.

Am going to see Million Dollar Baby tonight--if I last that long. It's playing at the local $5 movie theater. Not bad for a recent Oscar winner.

Downtown area is cordoned off this afternoon and tonight in order for the anarchists to rally. Everyone seems to be inflating what's happening, turning it into much more than it actually is, at center. But, people have to play with something--and it might as well be this set of confluences--people, police, and a hot summer's night.

I've come to realize that my "blog" is not in the regular sense of the term an actual blog--it's more like my online journal. But, it's serving my purposes (keep a journal, write daily, leave a trail, etc.) and so I'll continue. I've grown accustomed to my pace. Perhaps, I'll launch a real blog as well. Not sure when or what, but perhaps soon. The time is ripe--I wasted time, and now doth time waste me.

With that dread thought, I close and jump in the ring with the Million Dollar Baby.

6176

Managed to snag one of the more recent Qigong books that just got returned to the library. Thank goodness for the online library catalog system--let me know the book had been returned and that it was on the recently returned shelf. Cool!

Been reading into the book. Well written (The Healing Promise of Qi by Jahnke) and looks to be a good introduction to the subject. Written to be read and used, or so it seems.

Had lunch with LS. She got the job. Good for her. Sounds like it will be a lot of fun. Movies and databases--great combination. Ate at the cafe at the airport--really good food. Will have to visit there again.

Dreams last night about being in a small rental unit with my two sons. There was a whole scene devoted to putting the truck in the garage. Some rationale regarding where it should be parked so that it was protected from others who parked there.

There was also some scenes that dealt with the two sons--why they were there and what needed to be done to take care of them in that place. They kept running outside and going down the street to play and explore. I was going nuts trying to keep them corralled.

Dream scenes were dark and dirty. Everything was happening at night and there was this pall of darkness over what was being played out.

H left me a note this morning pointing out the blossoms that were there to welcome me to the morning. A set of cactus plants are in bloom. They have multiple blossoms that are brightly colored. They are spectacular. Makes for excellent Qi. As the weather warms, I plan on shifting my Qigong practice outdoors. Will be much better than practicing in this tiny room.

Practice went well last night and this morning. Feeling the Qi. Noticing some subtle energy shifts. Feel like I'm on the exact right track now. Look forward to moving onward with the exercises and learning more about how it all works.

My sons' birthdays are upon me. Have to get a couple of cards and send them notes. It's been a while since we've communicated. Sad state of affairs.

Didn't make it to the lecture last night. Had some ice cream instead (Hagen Das, Belgian chocolate chocolate--yes two of them). Came back and read some more, did Qigong, and slept deeply except for dreams.

Will meet L soon for a light dinner and then perhaps kirtan. Body, Breath and Mind--keys to the elixir. May the chants bring joy and peace to everyone. Jai, Jai, Jai.

6177

Having a good day. Re-exam at chiropractor went well. Lots of improvement; much more in balance. Still on a two-day per week program, but it's justified since I'm still exhibiting a variety of symptoms.

Qigong class still without the regular teacher. Woman who's substituting is 60 years old! She doesn't look or act like she's that old. Would have guessed 10 years younger. She's been doing Qigong for five years.

Class was still good. Good information and good practice. I think I've made notes on the exercises so I can do them on my own until the next class. Told chiropractor that I'm taking Qigong. He wanted me to do some supplement program, but I begged off until I settle into Qigong further. I think this discipline is going to be the cure for my various ailments--nothing really major, but stuff that needs to be addressed as time moves onward.

Feeling good today. Little spasm in my right back area, but mostly quiet on the neuron front. I started shaking in Qigong. The involuntary spasms in my right arm became really noticeable at first. They went way as the exercises progressed. I experienced it like a surplus of Qi that was affecting my right arm in some way. Doing the class was like discharging that built up potential and balancing things out.

I'm really fortunate to have the time and resources to explore things right now. And, I believe that it's going to pay off in some way. I can see myself teaching this stuff to seniors and helping people reenergize. First, me, then the rest. Have to get myself on an even keel before I step out into the arena.

Look forward to getting copies of the books that are in the library. Hopefully, they will have more information and suggestions. Tonight, I think I'll make it to the talk at the bookstore on pain and fear and healing. The man's story sounds worth hearing. He does deep tissue/bodywork based on what he learned in his journey. I don't think I want to do any treatments from him right now, but I could see doing something with him around my hamstrings--loosening them up. They've become even more contracted with all the dancing I do. Would be nice to be able to touch the floor without bending my knees--just to feel the extension. I can imagine how it would feel; I just can't do it.

Almost the weekend. Lunch with LS tomorrow and probably a kirtan tomorrow evening. Then the weekend will be at hand. Nothing planned. L is going to the FAHA get together. Should be warm weather for the event.

I'm ready for a change of course, a jog in the regular patterns. We shall see what emerges as the days unfold.

Jumped on the scale at the chiropractor's office today. Weight 158 lbs. I've dropped almost 30 pounds. That's since about August of last year. No big secret diet--just stopped eating pastries every morning, cut back on sugars, started eating more low fat stuff, and otherwise tried to eat healthy. Anyway, I've lost all that weight and now I need new clothes--everything I own now hangs or droops. Lately (this week), I've been trying to eat a bit more than usual to try and gain back some reserves. We shall see.

6178

Round and round, and upside down. So goes the flows of things. Reading and reading until I think my brain is going to freeze, or so it seems. Reading O. Henry prize stories. They are so well crafted and so rich in detail and development. One, Shell Collector, brought back floods of memories of being on Sanibel Island. Those were the days, my friend. Who thought they'd ever end.

Dreams got lost from last night. There were dreams aplenty, but I failed to recall them as I awoke. Another dream stew served up and lost. But not lost forever as we know. The dream bag is full and always ready for a replay if need be.

Crazy, lazy day. Big ticket item on today's agenda--buying a MegaMillion lottery ticket. Playing for beginner's luck. State is now part of the multi-state big ticket lottery. Odds are much worse of course, but the pots are big, huge, gigantic.

Tomorrow brings a visit with the chiropractor, a qigong class and perhaps a lecture on healing. No dance class tomorrow evening--it restarts next week.

I keep churning and turning around the issues of finding a permanent living space, going back to work, figuring out what to do next, and on and on. Also whether of not to go back to the neurologist and see if there's something medical about my slow movements and feelings of being in slow motion. Interesting, that I don't seem to have that kind of slowness as I write. I write along at a fairly good clip and don't have that many blank spots.

It's more when I talk or try and put thoughts together that I try and speak. Also a bit of frozenness about my reactions and responses to triggering events. It's like I'm in another dimension, another medium, and have to make an effort to cross over and be in another person's space.

Wobbly, knobbly or so it goes. Days (daze) go by almost in the blink of an eye. I find myself in loops, like the story I read last night about a VR home for disembodied elders. The place required a disrupter to help the clients break up their routines. Otherwise, they kept repeating themselves, over and over.

So, I'm in need of a disrupter so I can break the patterns and cut the loops. I need to pull my own VR plug, make a brand new start.

I hear me saying these things to myself multiply--not as in go forth and multiply, but in multiples. Strange times at Ridgemont High. No ridges and no highs. Just the ticking of the clocks and the counting of days (daze).

So with these sweet words, I bid myself adieu and a dream-filled nacht. May the carrot cake become the gateway to a new reality--dessert was wonderful--but I digress, as always.

6179

On the trail of the affordable housing unit. Turns out, I probably have to stay in my current city. Otherwise, I'll have to establish residency before I can apply for a unit in another city. Either that or get a job in that city. Nuances and subtle rules.

Did get a listing of places here in the current location. More than I thought although quite a few are section 8 units. That's another trip--getting listed for section 8 housing. With luck, I may be able to find a place that's affordable and a straight deal. Has to be something out there somewhere, someplace. But if not, I have to get really organized and go after the affordable units methodically. Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we seek a rent reprieve.

Finished a second book on Qigong. It, like the first one, was more of an exposure to the discipline as viewed through a cultural/political lens. Not much focus on the actual exercises except to outline a few of them briefly. Would require a leap of intellect and skill to work out a program based on the sketches provided. Have to get to classes and learn kinesthetically.

Dreams last night about a group of us taking a trip. We were a working group who were involved in some coding project. We were taken on vacation to a large city where we saw exhibits and went through museums and such. The group was mostly men except for a couple of really young guys. The young men were anxious to get back to the work place and get on with the coding project. The older men were happy for the break and a chance to relax. There were some sexual overtones to the dreams involving the older and younger men.

A second stage of the dream was back at a laboratory. Our group were going to be integrated with a team of clerks--mostly women. There were all kinds of logistics problems with the integration. If we all were put in the same space we wouldn't have enough desks or computers. The managers were trying to work this issue out. We sat around doing nothing while they pondered and proposed solutions. At one point, I stood up and made some suggestions for ways to combine the teams and have enough work room and equipment. Everyone listened to what I had to say, but nothing was done about it. I awoke with the dream unresolved.

Aside from my reading and doing some research today, it's been a rather slow day. I finally managed to grab a brunch/lunch--a huge taco salad, which was quite tasty and a dark chocolate brownie with nuts--yum!

I went too long before eating so got buzzy and fuzzy. Meant to get up earlier and have a good breakfast before attacking the housing citadels, but intention became diffused and undirected. Went with the flow--and got where I got, when I got it. Marvelous! The miracle of mushy mental states.

Listened to some of an interview with a writer on NPR. He said something about his not being able to not write. The compulsive aspect of what he produces. I too have that compulsion, but it's directed here for now--and my star-thrower.blogspot.com site. No solid framework for the results, no clear repository.

With stillness, I begin to see faint outlines of some writing possibilities. Like the housing issue, I need to begin to organize making forays into those realms--pick some likely things to be writing about and begin the begin.

The gardener is here now, watering the plant jungle that I am living within. My days are long and filled with silences now. If I don't make an effort to contact anyone, nothing is heard, but the songs of the birds. Silence and stillness--a feast of unwavering quiet. Helps with the healing, but doesn't foster a lot of initiative or directed effort.

I've now produced hundreds of pages during the past few months. Even more if I look back over the years of journal debris that I've produced. Themes and dreams, they've covered the slow erosion of my thoughts, the banter of my soul. But like today's writer on the radio, there is always the question of what has been produced that has had any meaning, that has been of value. The bigger question is what do I plan to do from here forward that addresses that default.

I have plans, I have plans. And I'll know what lands when I see the sands marked with tiny feet. So off to dance class tonight. Been a few weeks respite from the learning circles, but time to attend once again. Let there be dancing for everyone!

6180

Happy Summer! Still feels more Fall-like outdoors, but the sunshine is coming.

Discovered a dismaying fact today--I now don't make enough money to qualify for many of the BMR rental housing units. Seems that you have to be relatively poor, but not really poor. They have both maximum and minimum income requirements. My SS income is below, way below, most of the minimums. Hmmm. Will be investigating more tomorrow when I go to one of the places and apply to get on the waiting list. Hmmmm.

Bumped into an old friend today and he put me on the trail of the BMR units. He has a daughter that has a rare genetic disease (perhaps all diseases are genetic, at the core) whereby she ages faster than the clock. She's now 4+ years old, but more like a 100 years old in terms of her body's aging. He's an incredible example of someone who's had his share of trauma and tragedy, and come through it sane and well balanced.

http://www.sophiasgarden.org/

My session with the chiropractor was deep today. Experienced a lot of release. The session was with a practitioner who was subbing for the regular doctor. For whatever reasons, I found I was releasing a lot of stuff that I don't normally feel myself let go of. I was on the table for over an hour. Lots of Qi involved--both excess and deficit amounts. Felt really balanced when I got up from the session.

Dreams last night were very detailed. One whole sequence had me designing science laboratory experiments. I would design an experiment and then turn it over to a pair of lab students to perform. There was some reason I was creating everything from scratch. We were not doing standard chemical lab experiments. We were working on some new techniques and strategies so we had to come up with unique protocols.

Day has been somewhat of a daze. The chiropractor said that I might need to rest given what happened during my session. I took a short nap, but channeled a lot of the energy into looking into the housing situation. To the point of blurriness or beyond. Walked downtown tonight to help shake off the hours of sitting. Legs felt draggy, heavy and hard to keep moving. But, the overall effects of the walking was positive. Feel energized now, energized and awake.

Realized that I have two things of focus on my plate--Qigong (health) and finding a place to live around here. In both cases, I will have to be persistent. They both will require attention and focus.

Lots of things/thoughts rattling around inside of me tonight. Full moon energies pulling at my psyche, tugging at my dreams. I feel clearer tonight than I've been in a while. Also feel like breaking loose and doing something tangential to my regular patterns. Perhaps head for the beach on Wednesday morning--not tomorrow since the wait list thing has to happen in the morning. But, I'm wanting to do something. Old energies arising and dark days coming to an end again. May it be so, so be it.

Feeling like I want to eat a lot more food than I'm eating. No need to do so, but cravings are there. Today, my friend also remarked on how I look depleted. He spoke of a chelation process that helps remove toxins from the system. He pointed me to a physician who has pioneered in this field, Garry Gordon. Did some preliminary research on his site. It was scary to look at all of the supplements he takes each day. Enough to make him rattle when he walks. Too much for me and the costs look prohibitive. I reordered my Brain Sustain NeuroActives instead.

I'm expecting Qigong to clear my pathways as time unfolds. We shall see. Time to read some more on this topic and perhaps a few of the O. Henry 2003 prize stories. Always a lot to be read as my head nods toward the bed. Wonder what my dream labs have in store tonight?

6181

Fun at dance last night. Large crowd and lots of dances. Turned out that dance on Friday night had a DJ change, which was not for the better. So missing that dance seemed like a good thing in retrospect.

Been reading books about Qi and Qigong. One book was a chronicle of a western doctor's journeys to China and his investigations of Chinese medicine and health practices. The use of Qigong and acupuncture as an analgesic sounds astounding. His encounters with Qigong masters and demonstrations were less convincing, but kept the door open regarding the use of these interventions in healing and taking care of medical problems.

My overall impression is that there is some value in me continuing to explore getting training and experience. I continue to think that there is a key (Qi) for me with this discipline.

I can see myself healing my maladies with this practice and then sharing what I learn with others. I hold those thoughts and possibilities. To help me build my knowledge base, I'll start keeping notes on what I'm reading and doing on this topic.

The book I just read was Encounters with Qi by David Eisenberg.

Today was Father's Day. Did not hear from any of my kids. It's OK, they're still my kids even if they are a bit remiss on keeping up the basic communications.

Today, I've been thinking of starting to look for some kind of writing I can do online or otherwise. I finally feel like I'm ready for some such tasks. Need to do some surfing on the subject and see what emerges.

Energy levels seem OK today. Mainly feeling more grounded each day; feeling centered and not so scattered and looseknit. First day of summer looms. Along comes the longest day of the year. Time to bloom.

6182

Moving slowly today. Not feeling really energetic. Was up late last night surfing the Qigong sites and offerings. Still debating as to whether I go to the weekend intensive. Letting it cook some more. Have a week or more to decide. Will wait until I have a class with the Avalon instructor and perhaps get his feedback. Although one teacher is unlikely to run down another teacher.

Dreams last night were vivid even though I waited until now to try and record them and have lost much of the detail. I just recall long, intense dream sessions with lots of action and activity. One sequence was aboard a spaceship and dealt with solving a problem regarding the propulsion system. The other seemed to deal with a business/storefront and selling some kind of products.

Both dreams involved me in some leadership role. I was the person who had to come up with the solutions to the issues being faced. I had the help of the crew and other people, but I was the responsible one.

I did as much Qigong as I could remember this morning. I don't recall the exact procedures that were introduced in the one class I took earlier this week. So, I'm making some of it up. The class was noticeably energizing despite its chaotic format for that day. But, it makes it difficult to recall what was done. I'll have to write out the procedures when I take more classes. Write and diagram them out for my benefit and for future reference.

Went to a Laundromat today. Was handy to drop stuff off at the cleaners, but it's a bit expensive. So, I was kicking back and watching the tumblers tumble. There was an Indian couple who came in with huge mounds of bedding and such. The man sat in front of the big washers, watching the items tumble and turn. He almost seemed to be meditating. His wife was reading a Gresham book, The Brethren, I believe.

Another man was doing his family's wash. He forgot to unload one washer full of towels. When he returned, I told him about the towels. He was chagrined since the rest of his stuff was nearly dry and here was a pile of soaking towels. I could have done an Act of Random Kindness and put his towels in a dryer. But, I didn't. I did do an act of kindness by telling him about the towels. He might have walked out without them.

Picked up the 2003 O. Henry prize stories. The 2005 stories were really good (there's no 2004 because the publisher is trying to synch up the copyright year--they normally were one year behind for some reason). Now, they are right with the world, but with a missing year.

Didn't make it to the dance last night. L came home wiped from her two days of new job/work. She just wanted to crash. I started to go and dance, but got sidetracked in Qigong space and reading the last of the Oates' stories. Suddenly, it was late, too late to dance.

Will probably make it to QS dance tonight. They will have a good DJ and the crowd is fun. Dance and then come back and curl up with the 2003 stories. Sounds like a plan. Calling on dreams tonight as well. May they continue to manifest as they do.

6183

Back from breakfast and my morning pre-ramble. Talked with LL this morning. Nice to hear from her. Told her of some of my various turmoils. We both are awaiting clarity--the clearing vision.

Felt really good last night as I went to bed. I attribute it to the Qigong session. I was awake and clear; I was able to focus and read quite a bit about Qigong before retiring. Came across a retreat scheduled over my birthday weekend. Will have to make the decision soon if I plan to go. My soul feels called to go and it would be a fitting birthday present to the self.

Dreams last night of a crowd of people like at a rock concert. Everyone was dressed in outfits that looked like retro-hell's angels costumes. My mother was there and she was decked out in a leather suit. I kept asking her what she was doing, but she just laughed and ignored me. The whole scene was chaotic and dark. There was music playing, but not loudly or at full amplification.

There was a second dream that dealt with lots of people as well, but on the city streets. People were waiting everywhere for the arrival of buses. It was like we were all supposed to go somewhere on the buses. People were getting impatient. There was a feeling of darkness about everything in this dream as well.

I awoke and tried to recall some of the Qigong exercises. I remembered some, but not all. So my practice was not truly complete, but it still felt good to do what I recalled. I need to go by the rec center and sign up for the coming class. Have several things I need to get out and get done. Fastrak check (cancel and replace? It seems to have been lost.), class sign ups, laundry, eat something that will hold me over through dance tonight, and other miscellaneous meanderings.

May have to take a nap this afternoon. Energy level seems a little lower than yesterday evening's state. Breakfast was a high-carbo feast of French Toast so my blood sugar has taken a hit. But, the dish was really tasty. Peninsula Creamery classic dish.

Sent off a note to LS that she could use me for a reference. She's interviewing at Netflix. Looks like a cool job. Hope she gets it.

Getting close to finishing up the Oates short story collection that she edited. The stories do build as she predicted in the forward. The later stories, also as she predicted, are evoking strong sentiments (plus and minus). As the stories get more strange, they also get more fantastic, which helps the reading--at least for me. Strange and real would be more problematical, I think.

Looking forward to getting Jahnke's book on Qi and Murakami's Kafka book. Both are starting to get off the waiting lists at the library.

So I await the wisdom of the universe. May it pour forth upon me and drown me in its clarity and joy. May it be so for everyone.

6184

Tried Qigong class today. Feels like a fit. Lots of breathing, movement, centering, and meditation moments. Regular instructor was not there today. Substitute was good, but I bet the regular teacher is really good. Small class, only five people. Looking forward to more. Will do some reading in the area and see what might be there for me.

Got in to see the doctor today. Conclusion--nothing. Have been given a referral to Dr. Lock, a neurologist. He was the one I saw several months back. Good news--no sign of a stroke. The aphasia is present, but not related to a stroke. Doctor made a clear case for why not--if it were a stroke, it would be persistent. I wouldn't be able to correct the problem by focusing. It wouldn't go away. So, even more reason to try Qigong. I could see myself teaching and passing on this discipline to others. Gives me hope just thinking about that possibility.

Dream last night about me living in a partially constructed building. It was like a shell for an office complex that had not been fully finished. One section had been completed and that's where I was housed. It was like a combination living and work area.

Part of the dream dealt with me finding some people walking through the complex and entering my area. They had a set of keys and indicated that the owners had given them permission to do a walkthrough. I pointed out that they failed to get my permission, but they just ignored me and went about their tour. Later, after the unexpected visitors had left, I heard some noises from the parking lot. I looked out and saw that there was a couple of cars parked in the lot that were not mine. It looked like there were people in the cars. One held four men, who looked like fairly big guys. Their attention seemed to be on the other car that had a couple sitting in the front seats talking.

I pulled out a handgun that I kept in my place, put it in my pocket and left the office. I walked toward the cars. I didn't try and hide, but walked directly toward the vehicles. What I planned to do is not known. I don't think I had anything particular in mind, except to find out what they were doing there. The building was out in the desert, fairly far away from any town. It was a remote desert area. The remoteness was one thing that had attracted me to the place.

As I walked, I thought about the people who had appeared earlier in the day. I recalled that one of them had mentioned that the owner was going to cancel my lease and rent the property to them. The dream faded with me walking toward the cars, my hand on the gun in my pocket.

Went to the chiropractor today. I was thinking about the upcoming visit to the doctor and it took a few extra manipulations to get me aligned today. Mind over matter makes for kinks in the torso.

Realized somewhere along the way either yesterday or today that I need to take some vacation. Not just a trip, but a relax and restore vacation event. Nothing stopping me; nothing in the way. Day-o song comes to mind. Down the way...

Told L I would come help her move stuff tonight. Waiting for her call after her first day back to work. See if she has energy left to work on the moving project. I feel clear and still from the Qigong session. Vacation and Qigong--maybe combine the two. Will see. May the dreams become cleared this night.

6185

Qigong. I've decided to take some classes in that discipline. There's something attractive about the movement and meditation in combination. There's a teacher at the yoga center. I'll do a class tomorrow. He's also teaching a class through the rec center starting in July. I like what I've read about the practice. I think it's exactly what I need given my current issues.

The ayurvedic work seems a little off base for me and not what I can afford right now. The combination of movement, patterns, and breath feels like where I need to put my attention.

I'm resting, reading, sleeping and generally taking it easy for now. I'm settling back into a somewhat quiet space, a place of stillness and no tension. Tension is still out there or around. I'm choosing to not be in that state if I can be so.

When I'm reading, I seem to be in a stabile place, a place of stillness. Interaction, moving about where there are others, brings up tension, anxiety, physical sensations, and so forth. Also, I experience some of those same symptoms when there are changes or unexpected situations. Like just now as I turned on the computer. The DSL signal strength was low or not there. My first reaction was a physical sensation of angst. My chest tightened, my stomach flipped, and I wanted to scream.

Also having difficulty with having my text insertion point staying on the screen where I'm typing. The focus keeps popping around the text window, triggered by me making ghost touches on the touchpad. My thumb is lightly touching the pad as I hit the keys.

What a set of pitiful travails. Is my life not involved with anything more important?

Reading a set of short stories edited by J.C. Oates. Eclectic collection written by several famous authors/writers. A case study in how to write brilliantly.

Stopped by L's for a brief visit. She had finished painting out the bedroom. House is in a total state of chaos. She starts her new job tomorrow. Onward and upward.

I awoke early but cat napped for a few hours and then began to move. No naps today. Ran some errands, ate a sandwich for lunch/breakfast and plan to take a walk in a few hours. Just another slow and silly day. Not much accomplished. DragonMan has landed in Oregon. Got an email chronicling the first day of relocation. Sounds like he's landing in a sweet place. I envy him having made the move, finding a place and settling in.

Maybe after a few Qigong (chi kung) sessions I too will become mobile and movable. Who knows! Dreams will light the way. Had dreams last night, but lost them in the awakenings that I cycled through.

Just made an adjustment to the trackpad settings. Turned off the ability to use the pad as a click/drag control. So it now ignores random touchings that were moving the focus about the screen. Where there's a feature there's a checkbox. Verily!

6186

Went to sleep early last night and slept in late this morning. Lots of dreamings, but not sure I remembered that much of any of them. There was one whole dream sequence that was at something like a training camp or resort area. There were many people there and lots of activities. There were huge vehicles that were being used to transport people to different places and events. The dream involved a lot of movement and people being moved back and forth. Very busy dream.

A second dream segment involved being in a complex, like a tower that had many rooms and compartments. There was some kind of huge device in the complex that everyone was working with or on in some way. Everyone there was dressed in coveralls with insignias on the front panels. The atmosphere of the place was subdued and serious. There wasn't a lot of talking except for people making quiet observations about what needed to be done next. I was one of a team of people who was assigned to one section of the area and that had a specific task to perform.

There were many other parts and pieces to the dreaming. It seemed like I was dreaming for long periods of time as I partially awakened over the long sleep period.
**********************************
Long sleep felt good. I may just crawl back in and sleep some more. Feeling like I'm catching up on lost cycles somehow. But, I have things to do today--not a lot, but a few items that need attention.

I feel pretty good right now after having enjoyed a marathon sleeping. Had my morning kefir, juice and supplements. Phone rang, but whoever it was didn't leave a message. Did my arm lifts this morning. Going to need a bit more exercise this week since there are no dance or yoga classes (senior yoga). Have to look at money situation--rent is due today/tomorrow. So life imposes itself once the doorway is cracked open.

Have some research to do on the place in AZ--week long treatment and diagnostic work. I think it's what I need to help me get a handle on what's happening with all of my systems--mental, physical, spiritual.

Also have research to be done on a living place--where am I headed to next? Clearly need to settle that issue for myself. Feeling like I'm abandoned, alone, and needing to find a resting place.

Wondered why I didn't hear from any of my kids last Sunday. Thought it was Father's Day and that they just didn't call. Realized yesterday that next Sunday is Father's Day. I didn't spend a lot of cycles on my disappointment, and rightfully so since it was an imaginary omission.

L is going into a hypermode regarding reorganizing her house. She starts work Thursday and already has two weeks of stuff to do to switch the bedrooms, etc. I'm trying to stay out of all of that madness. I have enough of my own to deal with right now.

Need to get out and grab something to eat. Back to not having a kitchen so have to go back to foraging once again. Food seems to help with the control of the strange body/mind states that I seem to fall into. Not having enough or a regular amount of food seems to throw off my systems--so I have to eat, not a lot, but regularly to manage the states.

I hear the clock chiming in the main house. The hour strikes. The number of chimes doesn't match the actual time so I have to assume the clock is not set correctly. It does ring on the hour, half hour and so on though.

The bird of time has but a little way to fly, and, lo, the bird is on the wing.
We measure out our days in coffee cups...

6187

Dream mush last night. Awoke early, but fell back into sleep. Cat napped until I had to get up to go to the chiropractor. Feeling jittery and weird still. Had a solid breakfast or rather a hearty breakfast. Steel-cut oats with banana, warm milk and cinnamon-raisin toast. Still no caffeine.

Came back and fell asleep for a short nap sitting in my recliner. Finally, I seemed ready to deal with opening up the computer and starting this post. Spent some time first chasing down small details of some of the UI on the new system. Firefox has its own collection of options and features. Not sure I will ever learn them all, or need to do so.

Feels good to just not have anything that needs to be done. Yet, there are many things that I might be doing. Keep looking for an answer to the questions I have about my state of being. Feeling fragile, jittery, anxious, nervous, low energy, fearful, and a host of other sensations.

Clearly have things that need to be taken care of, that need attention. But, I don't want to, can't seem to, put my focus on any of that stuff. I realize right now that I'm blithering away with no clear purpose in mind. Emptying. Just emptying. Which is what I seem to need to do in the short run. Empty and blither, blither and empty. Shake the tree and see what coconuts fall on my head.

Weather outside is scorching. Heat and more everywhere. L got her job offer. She starts back to work on the 15th. She's at IKEA looking into getting a bed for her son.

I've got lots of mixed thoughts jamming around in my brain. It's like a plague of locusts that are swarming everywhere, making noise, and clogging up the flow of things. The buzz and the bother--the wail and the storm.

Churning. Everything is churning and turning, twisting in the winds like prayer flags being slapped about in high winds. I keep thinking, I keep hoping that there is a breakthrough, an answer, a leak in the membrane of life that tells me something of value, points me in a desired direction. Mumble tumble. Words and thoughts collide and cascade from my head, fingers, mind. Nothing of seeming value, of obvious worth. Just a set of jumble thoughts, endless rhymes.

But, I'm back in the mix of it all, back on the boards. The sidetrack of the past few weeks is over and I'm back "home" and can settle down some and center more. I had thought that the past few weeks were going to be a lot different than they were--a lot more productive, creative, and restful. It turned out to be none of the above.

So back here in my cave now. Back here in the relative quiet from the storms. Back here where there are a lot fewer options, a lot less distractions. L heading back to work will also reduce the sidetracks that I've been making each day. It will be less contact, but more time for me to learn to use wisely.

All of this chatter is just that--so much chatter and soundings. Like I said, it's more of a process of clearing the channel--it's become clogged with considerations, plugged up with vague intention. Time to flush things out and clear the way for whatever is arising, whatever is manifesting. Lots to do to just keep track of the threads of my thoughts--see if they resolve into anything beyond loose ends.

6188

Back to reality, I think. Slept in late. Got up around noon. Joined L for breakfast and then went back to bed for a two hour+ nap. Got up around 7pm and dropped in on L again. Now back here for a quick post and then to bed to read and sleep some more.

Still getting used to the new system. No spell checker with this browser is a pain. Have to look into downloading firefox since it seems to support all of the blogger features.

Back to dreaming, hopefully. Didn't remember many dreams while at L's. It's really quiet here at my place--quiet and peaceful. I feel like I've come back from a place of turmoil into a place of stillness. We'll see.

Tomorrow, I will investigate the ayurveda places and begin to set up a trip and treatment session. Have to do something, create some kind of breakthrough. I can't function in my current state. Physical or psychological? Or both? Which is it?

Feeling somewhat grounded tonight. The nap helped as did the hearty breakfast. I was feeling really stressed until we ate. Food seems to have a calming effect.

Anyway, without going over old ground and covering old topics, I'm glad to be back in my place and back to posting. May the dreams begin, again!

6190, 6189

Got new system (Mac) up and running. Nice! Was not that difficult when all is said and done. Back in my room--L returned tonight from her vacation. So, I don't have to walk the dog in the morning.

Lots happening but can't go into it tonight. Getting late and I've been up and about all day, since early in the day. Will just post this bit and do more in the morrow. Need to see if posting works as expected.

Just discovered that there's no font, spell check, image controls. Hmmmm!

6191

Will be picking up my new notebook computer in a couple of hours. Went for an iBook -- 14-inch model. Bought some extra memory and held off on getting MS Office--will see how AppleWorks works first.

Feeling better today. Still experiencing dull spots and still had to take a nap in mid-afternoon. Woke up around 4AM to the pitter-patter of rain. So only got some mixed sleep last night. When L returns, I'll be on this new early morning time cycle. Should mesh better with getting to sleep early, reading quietly, etc.

Met with B & R last night. We were the sole members of the monthly team meeting. B got some great news yesterday--his cancer is gone--looks like for good. He's been a warrior and it's paid off. An inspiration.

I came away from the meeting a bit lighter than I went in. It helped to share with someone that I'm struggling. Good to verbalize it and externalize it--not continue to hold it in.

RR didn't make it last night. I need to follow up and see how he's doing. He said he'd be there, but it's a long haul for him and the costs to him are not what he needs right now.

Watched an eerie show on TV last night--The Inside... Whew! No wonder I woke up at 4AM. Probably would have done so even without the rain.

Food continues to help me bridge the strange energy spells. I've started eating less bulk, but more often. Grazing. Seems to help keep my energy levels balanced. I keep craving a chai. Wonder if a lot of the malaise I'm feeling is about me stopping caffeine. It's been several weeks now, but I'm craving as if it were yesterday. Detox. It's like I'm going through a form of detox. Not the short term withdrawal symptoms, but a delayed reaction as my system tries to adjust.

As G suggested, I may have been using caffeine to counterbalance the depressive moods -- somewhat successfully until I stopped the stimulants. Oh, well! It's all just conjecture and not really that much help in dealing with the current symptoms. Naps work fine--naps and food.

Got a call from L earlier today. She was in a pub enjoying her next-to-the-last night in Helsinki. By late tomorrow evening (my time), she'll be climbing aboard the FinnAir leg of the flight to begin her return. Will be good to have her back. Will be good to move back to my place as well. Looking forward to it. Just two more dog walks--plus a bit of housecleaning to be done here.

Did have some dreams last night, but they were scattered when I awoke so early. Dreams will be there. Listen to the dreams. Sun breaking through this afternoon. Rain clouds scattered and moved onward. Time for a new computer. Oh, boy!

6192

Positive thoughts. Accentuate the positive. Leave those dark clouds behind. Have fallen down the rabbit hole of doubt and have been helping create my own chaos and confusions. So what's new? Nothing, really. Except I've spiraled further and further into the muck of things.

In several of my previous posts, I kept saying that I needed form and structure. The open-ended hours that I've managed to create are like buckets with holes in the bottoms. The raindrops of possibility just run straight through and get absorbed by the thirsty soil.

Do what gives me pleasure. Started yesterday with just little things. I feel lighter and more buoyant already. Stopped pushing myself to write--not just write, but "write something important." Creating my pressures and stoking my own fires.

So looking for the flow once again. The flow goes on. I just stepped out of the stream by obsessing over it not being there.

Things are sort of jumbled, but that's OK. Jumble is the state of new beginnings, startovers, resets. Have to allow for the churn and sway. Also have to allow for the presence of pleasure--not duty, work, effort--pure pleasure, pure and simple ease.

All dis-comfort, dis-ease is created by thought. Thought, the chattering mind, plays out the patterns that it thinks it needs to survive. The "but if's" abound. Setting the thoughts free, free to be thoughts and nothing more, makes room for possibilities. Possibility cannot flourish inside a chained set of logic, rules, reactions and false patterns.

I keep expecting the flow to ignite and manifest, spontaneously. I've not been preparing the ground for such an event. I've just been assuming that it will happen despite my flood of negative baffles. Stop, look and listen. That's a freight train coming down the tracks, not the engine of flow. When the train smashes into the barrier mind there is vast disruption instead of vast assembly.

Why do I write all this? To help me find my way. I've been wandering off the path thinking that I was on track and not noticing the mania I've been creating. As I noted yesterday, eat, sleep, read--do whatever continues to feed the mind, body and spirit. Don't feed them gobs of pathetic, self-soiled garbage. Who needs that kind of crap? I don't and the world doesn't either.

Dance class last night was challenging for me personally. I kept sliding off into the "I can't do it" space and had to keep on dancing to get past those thoughts. Payoff--I learned a couple of new dances, reviewed some others, and feel like I've got them down and can dance them this weekend.

Surprise! It was raining this morning. Nothing heavy, but a summer drizzle. Took the dog for a walk in the rain. We both got slightly damp, but nothing heavy. The heat of our moving bodies dried us by the time we returned.

Will be heading to the computer store again today--most likely to go ahead and get a new system. Need to have something in place by the time L returns. It'll take a couple of days, no doubt, to get it up and running, online, and checked out.

What we say to ourselves in our head becomes the way the universe manifests. Say repetitive negativisms and the world becomes dark. Affirm the positives and the world is filled with light and ease. I choose the light and all of the healing it can bring.

6193

Awoke to a cold morning. Feels like Fall weather. Didn't want to get up and take dog for his morning's trek. Did so anyway and then came back and slept for another two hours. Now, that felt good.

So am meandering into the day. Got an email from my writing buddy. He leaves Friday evening to head north to Oregon. He's got a place staked out. He must feel good about having it all scoped out and making his move to the new surroundings.

Meanwhile, I'm still treading water and swimming sideways. Dreams last night didn't provide any conscious help. Maybe there were subliminal messages transmitted. Seems like the dreams dealt with some kind of technology issues--no doubt from me looking at computer notebook specs.

Got one of my blogs fixed by tech support--the other is still hosed and not acting correctly. I may just dump that one anyway. It's intended for work-related blogging which I'm not sure is going to happen.

Going to see therapist in a few hours. It's been two months since I last talked with her. A lot has happened and nothing has happened. I'm still in my soup and slowly cooking. My self-imposed exile at L's is coming to an end. I can then reset and start my migration plans. Or restart one of my many plans, again, forever, in good time.

I feel restless today. Restless and shaky. Have to eat more food than I think I need. If I go too long between meals, I start getting fuzzy and physically feel like I'm under stress. I've accidentally lost a lot of weight over the past 8 months. When I stopped my morning pastry and coffee, dropped the late night sweets, and generally started eating more selectively (even though I was mostly eating out), I thinned down. Here at L's I've eaten more, but it's been pretty healthy stuff and still not huge portions. So am trim, but a bit nervous, which food seems to mollify.

Writing like this also calms me down. Feels like I am talking to myself, telling myself things that help me sort through the morass I experience when I just sit and think. Somehow, the act of writing, even writing such blather like this, has a calming effect. It soothes the ravaged sleeve of time (or some such quote).

As does sleep--it too quiets the spirits, calms the senses. So I should just eat, sleep and write. Sounds simple enough--ESW. I think that's what I've really been doing with a bit of dancing, yoga, walking, and reading thrown in for seasoning. And some human interaction, connection, contact. What else is there?

Dance class tonight. Looking forward to it since I didn't dance my way through the weekend. Nearly settled on my choice of laptop. Still need to talk with tech people about trackpad and how sluggish is seems to be. Can always add a mouse to the mix.

Lighter and brighter, the stars always shine -- reality expands to match the available fantasies (from my writer friend who journeys North).

6194

Just a brief post this day. Short and sweet. Spent some time looking at new laptops. Way too may options. Perhaps my dreams will take over and help me sort through the numerous choices.

Probably not.

Having "technical" difficulties with trying to bring up a couple of other blogs. Seem to have created persistent links that don't go away on the page, but produce 404 Error Messages if clicked. Ah, the wonders of technology.

Saw a notice in the paper for a "silent" retreat. It's at a Jesuit retreat center in the nearby hills. I've just been on a silent retreat over a lot of the past week--except for talking to the animals. So don't know if I really need more silent time. But there's something compelling about it for me anyway. Way to escape, perhaps. To avoid having to deal with everything. Like 404 Error Messages.

6195

Sunday, Sunday. And the feeling is half-baked. Experiencing a host of what I take to be anxiety-related symptoms. Coming week is starting to stack up with things I'll have to get done prior to L's return.

Biggest item on the agenda is the purchase of a new computer. Started looking through specs and prices. Boring. Too many variables and options. I am quickly saturated with the techno-babble and the overwhelming number of choices.

I've decided that I'll be getting another laptop. Given my mobile situation, that seems more fitting than a fixed desktop unit. L's new desktop is nice, but it would be more handy if I could take it to a coffee shop with wireless hookups.

Except the weather has turned blustery and cool. Winds keep whipping along with 25mph gusts. It's knocking the blueberries off of the bush.

Watched the Road to Perdition last night on DVD. Interesting similarities in story lines between my ex-wife's short film and the movie. Both dealt with how a kid's life is affected by his relationship to a father figure (grandfather in the short film). Movie was fairly absurd--that a man and a kid could pull off all of the robberies, etc. The photographer in the movie was exceptionally strange and eerie.

I dreamed last night of being in a small town. There were a number of storefronts along the main drag. I had been sent to the place to look at the stores that were there and send back a report of what I found. To whom and for whom was not clear. At one point, I was walking between two buildings up high on a ridge that overlooked the main street. I could see the whole spread of the town down below. I was standing on a flimsy catwalk that extended out along the ridge. I noticed that the catwalk was old and rotting. That it was unlikely to hold my weight. I had to move cautiously or not at all.

There were other parts of this dream--me traveling to the town, talking with various storeowners, and meeting various important townspeople. Nothing of major import or that really sticks out.

Keep thinking that my dreams are going to whisper something about all of my worries and such. Give me a hint as to where to look to find answers to my many questions. So last night, it whispers that I should take an inventory of a town (of my storefronts) and write a report about what I find. That there is a viewpoint (catwalk) with a unique perspective, but it is also a dangerous place. Going there, I might end up falling.

But so what? I'm already falling. What's the big deal? I'm on belay, but my support rope keeps slipping and fraying against the sharp rocks. I need to climb, up or down, before the rope gives way. How analytical this all sounds. What does it have to do with anything?

Half the day, the sun day, gone already. I watched the finals of the French Open, yesterday and today. Women's match was not that exciting. Men's match was more engaging. Puerta battled valiantly, but did not win. The young Spanish kid, who won, was amazingly agile. He made shots from angles that looked impossible. Both were happy though once the battle was decided. Both were lefthanded.

I've now been off caffeine for over a week. Feels right to have stopped drinking so much each day, but I miss the energy boost. Also miss eating sweets (pastries, cake, ice cream, candy, etc.). Have been sticking with fruit and juices, but that also affects the energy levels. Feel like breaking these fasts and having a chai and a piece of carrot cake. Will let that desire cook away as I commence my quest for a new laptop.

6196

Dream mush this morning. Got up early to walk the dog and came back and napped for a few hours. Had some lucid dreams while I napped, but of course they've disappeared for now. Nap was good.

Went dancing last night and got back a bit later than usual. So didn't get enough z-time between going to bed, reading some, and awakening early this morning. My internal clock has been reset since I've been here at L's this past week or so. I'm on dog time.

Dance place was packed last night. There was a visiting dance club from LA. There were about as many of them as regular dancers. Floor was nearly jammed for every dance.

I wasn't feeling very outgoing. Just danced the dances and enjoyed the movement and exercise. Left after 2.5 hours to head back home. Dancing helped lift some of the logy feelings I was experiencing right before I left to dance. Thought about not going, but glad I did.

P & S were there. He kept encouraging me to go back today for the workshops, dinner and tonight's dance. I told him I was either going to the QS dance tonight or nowhere. I don't want to deal with the workshops and the all-day crowd that they'll have. Plus I'd have to make multiple trips back and forth to take care of the dog--so he wouldn't mess in the house.

Speaking of multiple trips--my FastTrak check didn't get cashed yet. My transponder triggers a low balance message. I thought I sent the check in a few weeks back. It either got lost or they didn't process it. I show a record of having written a check, but can't clearly recall mailing it. Thought I did, but you know what thought did.

So have to go to my room and look through my debris piles to see if I can find the missing check. Bother!

Plan on getting another salmon steak and fixing a rice, steamed veges and salmon steak dinner again, topped with my Japanese seasonings. I could almost eat that same dish every day. There's just something so simple, clean and tasty about that combination. Really tastes perfect if I serve it in my "begging bowl" and eat with chopsticks.

So have to start moving here halfway through the day and make my errand runs, check on my check, pickup a salmon steak, and enjoy the sunny, cool day. Used L's W&D to do my laundry. Thank goodness for universal UI's. I managed to figure out the various control options after fiddling with all of the various switches and knobs. Looks like the W&D makers would just devices with a Wash button and a Dry button, and leave it at that. Who cares about delicate cycles and cool down modes? Just throw in the dirty clothes and out pops clean and unwrinkled ones. We wish.
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Done. Errands, salmon, dinner, etc. Not going to either one of tonight's dances. Had a good salmon dinner, as mentioned, and think I'll curl up with a DVD--Road to Perdition. Played a short film DVD by one of my ex-wives called "Happy Trails." I'd read the script a while back. She'd sent me the DVD a few months ago. It's not bad--little heavy on the moralistic issues, but a good story. Might glean a short film award if entered in a few festivals. Acting was fine; camera work was mostly alright.

One week and a bit to go here at my house/pet-sitting venture. Big item on the agenda for the next week is getting a replacement computer for mine that crashed. Mac or PC? The same old questions. PC's are cheaper, but Mac's are slick. Will be nice to be mobile again instead of using a fixed station like I am now.

Poor dog that I'm watching. I'm probably about the dullest person he's ever had around him so continuously. He's slept now for the most part over the past week plus. Don't think he can sleep much more. Cat seems to do better with the inattention.

Time to pop some popcorn in the microwave and boot up the DVD. On the Road to Perdition for me. (So what's so new?)

6197

Remember several parts of dreams from last night. One involved standing on the edge of a high cliff that fell away to the sea below. The slope wasn't sheer, but it was steep and there were no legitimate trails or paths. There was a group of us. Some wanted to try and descend to the beach. I remarked that there wasn't really a beach, but a swamp-like area at the base of the cliff. I thought it was too dangerous to attempt and wouldn't be pleasant even if we did make it down.

One person, BB, from dance class started walking down one of the make-do trails. I was near the edge of the cliff and leaned out to watch him start down. As I leaned forward and put my hands on a rock ledge, I noticed a trickle of water going over the ledge and falling on the beach below. As I watched the water falling, I experienced a moment of vertigo. I had to brace myself and ask for assistance to pull back. I felt like I might have followed the water if I hadn't retreated.

Most of the rest of the group didn't seem too be bothered by the height, the bad trails, and the fact that they could fall by climbing down without any protection or safety gear.

A second dream sequence, or possibly earlier part of the cliff dream, involved a committee or council where a vote was being taken. There needed to be 11 yeas in order to proceed. That majority was not coming easily. People were jockeying for advantage and making side deals for their vote. The whole sense of the dream was of things moving slowly, deliberately, and with uncertain outcomes. The vote was somehow important to me, but I don't recall why, exactly. I just remember sitting for what seemed like hours of debate and discussion. I don't think anything was resolved.
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Second dream appears to be influenced by the news concerning the EU constitution. All of the speculation and debate around how the EU states should proceed, given France's and the Netherlands' no votes, probably percolated into my dream states.

Both dreams dealt with making decisions (voting) over how best to proceed. One a more formal discussion regarding vague conditions. The other a clearly dangerous setting with no formal process for resolving what needed to be, or could be, done.

In one dream, I was part of a formal group chartered to explore developing a consensus. In the other dream, I was giving suggestions, but the group was informally organized and open-ended.

Seems like there's messages for me in both dreams--messages dealing with having to make life and death decisions, how to go about that process, and the difficulties with both approaches.

The sensation of vertigo in the cliff dream was so real I awoke. It might be characterized as a type of wake up call .

Was exposed to several new dances at last night's class. One that is danced to a cha-cha rhythm seems like it will catch on. Nice flowing dance. Class was energizing and worth the trip to get there. Will head for yoga class in a little while and then back to the house-that's-being-sat.

P confided at last night's dance that he is being tested next week too see if he has any evidence of throat cancer. From the symptoms, it seems that he's more likely to be having his allergies acting up. But he'll know more after the procedure. S, his wife, looked stressed. Wishing them both good fortune and good news.

Dance tonight across the bay and dances scheduled for tomorrow evening and Sunday afternoon. Not sure what I'll do beyond tonight's event. There's a club event tomorrow as well--multi lessons, dinner and dance--too much for me. Know I'll skip that happening.

Been here a week now--house/pet/yard sitting and wrestling with my shadows. Look forward to yoga class this morning--ready for some stretching and resting in shivasana--the corpse pose. A pose we must all, one day, assume. There goes that vertigo, again!

6198

Waking dreams this morning as I awoke (too early). Mostly running through today's likely scenarios--animal care, chiropractor, locate my rice cooker and Japanese spices so I can cook this coming week, dance class, yard work--a host of "to-do's" that for some reason percolated to the surface in the early morning hours.

Worked some last night on listing out the issues that I'm dealing with or need to be dealing with right now. Long list emerged, as expected. For someone who is doing not much of anything, I seem to have a long list of things to be done. Maybe this list bled itself into my dream state. Realities uber alles.

Feeling somewhat less draggy today. Partly because I decided to stop obsessing on my pathetic worries and focus more on the more positive aspects of who I am and what I'm doing (or starting to do). Sounds impressive, but it makes common sense. I've cooked in my own sauces long enough. Time to get out of the pot and onto the griddle.

Finished reading "Nettles," one of Munro's short stories. Was wondering how the title was going to manifest in the story. Nettles, as a plant, appears near the conclusion, but also rounds out the story's action--as in life puts us in all manner of nettles.

Over the past month, I managed to post more poems to my StarThrower blog -- http://star-thrower.blogspot.com

Like this journal, the thoughts there are unfocused, but the poems please me more now that I've written more of them. They are like soul-nibbles--tiny bites of the fleeting cookie-thoughts I seem to have occasionally.

Also it's given me a daily rhythm to work with--journal blog earlier in the day (or at least before I go to StarThrower) and poetry blog toward the end of things as a sort of synthesis of the day.

Today's dog walk was uneventful--just smelling and sniffing, marking and tracking. The dog seemed to be in a hurry--he kept pulling against the leash almost all the way. Usually, he slows down on the last 1/3 of the route, but not today. He must have had an interesting dream he wanted to get back to. He's now curled up asleep, making wuffing noises as he rests.
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Made it through the "to-do's" and managed to retrieve my rice cooker from storage. Made a delicious, nutricious plate of steamed rice, broiled salmon and steamed vegetables. Sprinkled Japanese seaweed seasonings (aji nori furukaki) and red plum vinegar over everything. Best meal I've had in ages that I actually prepared. Room without a kitchen has its drawbacks.

So will focus on eating well and clean during the week I'm still here at L's. Still doing my kefir and juice ritual each morning when I take my supplements.

Feeling much better today and will feel even better after hitting dance class tonight and yoga in the morrow. Then it's lots of dancing this coming weekend--and blogging, and writing poems, and dreaming my dreams.

6199

Faint dream fragments from last night. Something that dealt with three objects, three things. We were testing them and trying to determine which one was the best for the task. Not clear, now, what the task was or exactly what the three objects did.

Got up a little later than usual this morning. Encountered more people and dogs on the morning tour. Got an email from my ex indicating that she had been on a phone call from our daughter, who was stranded in the city. When I talked with my daughter, she said it was not a big deal and that things were handled.

Don't know why she didn't call me if she needed help. I'm here, nearby. Her mom is across the country. Anyway, it was apparently something that happened and that she handled. She seemed put out that her mom had contacted me. Hmmm.

No men's team meet this evening. No one, including me, pushed to make it happen. RB sent a note about next week's meet. Looks like that will happen, someplace. We're caught up in a cycle of meeting at food places instead of people's houses. Life in the urban jungle.

Dance class last night was exhausting, but felt good. She zipped through several new dances. Fortunately, for me, one was a dance she'd taught in the Thursday class--so I was up the curve on it.

My GI tract is trying to act up again. Too many dense foods over the past few days. Have to back off and eat more carefully. Lots of fruit and grains. Seems like the stuff that works best. Solid proteins put a strain on the system.

The drip lines in L's yard seemed to function correctly this morning. Still will need to hand water some of the items, but overall the sprinklers seem to be working.

Picked up a notebook from my rental room so I can noodle some on paper. Plan to start making notes regarding what comes next on the geriatric's agenda. Crystal clear that I need to make some plans and move on them. Step one--start writing down the options--creating the scenarios. And pick up a lottery ticket for tonight. Keep the hope oar rowing.

Also will spend a bit of time today putting this place in order. I've already let the kitchen get out of order and should remedy that condition. This place is chaotic enough without me contributing to the clutter.

Been almost a week now that I've been here. Seems like a lot longer, but things are settling down in some ways. Still have to deal with the loss of my computer. Put that one on the list of things that need to be done.

Feeling? Tired and not 100%. Keep expecting my energy levels to kick back into my old modes, but they don't. So I take naps, read, rest, walk some, and let things be--let them be. What else do I need to do? Plenty. Time is ticking. The clocks are in motion. The hour glass is down to the final trickles of sand. But, the hour glass can be flipped over and it all starts again. Not quite.

The sands of time trickle steadily, continuously. Our lives are but fragments of the flow, moments among eons. What I do today, or any day, is only a spark of energy in the flux and fury of the all. But, it is important that I do something, not just sit and wait for the dying of the light.

Rage? I would like to think so, but history does not contain that story. What will it be? What will it look like? Who, what, when, where and why? The big five. The keys to the hidden secrets.