6018

Dreams | of more people | meeting lots of people in my dreams.

Was reading more in the Almaas book last night. The topic had to do with surrender, true surrender. I could feel my self wanting to reach out and accept what is so for me, like an aching deep within. I tried to hold on to that sensation as I fell asleep, but the momentary hint of it that appeared when I was reading was not retrievable. Wanting to surrender, hoping to surrender so that I may accept, fully, what is so for me.

In the PDRecovery materials there is a lot of emphasis placed on changing attitudes--from adrenaline-based actions and thoughts to joy-based intentions and observations. They repeat how healing, complete recovery, requires a fundamental shift, a new way of holding experience and what is being projected via thoughts. They emphasize how it cannot be a perfunctory saying that there's been a shift, but a shift has to be experienced. Play instead of doubt; fun instead of anger; joy instead of fear.

I found myself today thinking often about my "condition" and what it implies. I see myself always reaching for outcomes instead of staying with the here and now. They talk in the handbook about accepting everything about the disorder, including the malfunctions. The goal is not to get rid of the shaking, but to allow the shaking to teach me what I need to be doing with my thoughts about my shaking. It seems simple until I attempt to surrender, accept, let be, and allow. As soon as I head in those directions, the "voices" rise up and begin the litany of denials, doubts, and derailments. Even this last statement is not entirely accurate. I don't even know what I was trying to communicate.

I oscillate between some movement and wanting to just sleep. Hours slide past both quickly and very slowly--both at the same time. I look up and wonder where the day has gone. I look again and notice that I've only been awake, engaged for a relatively short period of time. And despite the slight variations, the days become like one--they seem to be the same.

Where is this going? I don't know. I'm just writing to empty, to let loose of some of these palls that are hanging near me, about me, around me. I'm looking for the joy, for the acceptance (the place of acceptance), for the things I can have gratitude for at this time, this place, this moment. The mind is really tricky. If I make a list of the things for which I am grateful, I also silently create a list of my fears.

Was reading in the PDRecovery Handbook of the mind games they use to get people to move out of their frozen postures and dystonias. They discuss how PDer's have difficulties doing "let's pretend" exercises. Theoretically, I should have no such problem given my history, background, and experiences. Yet, I know that there is a kernel of truth in this arena for me--I have always had difficulty in this arena--I simply hid it well, pushed myself to make breakthroughs despite my fears, all with the prod of adrenaline-based thoughts and actions. What I was being asked to do was by definition "fun," but I turned it into work, challenge, effort.

This was especially so over the year and a half I spent at the toy company. No wonder I came away from there feeling like I'd been hit with a cattle prod. My adrenaline machine was broken and my joy-based system was completely turned off. Time for a breakdown and that's what I got.

Yesterday provided the counter example--restorative yoga put me in a state of grace--a state of deep relaxation that cleared away the dissonance. Joy over fear; stillness over action. That activity was the precursor to the longing for surrender--it led me there.

6019

Took my truck in for a service today, in between the raindrops. Was a bit chilly around 6:30AM, but I had to do it. Had a slight leak in one of the hoses that needed to be attended to. So, up in the morning, out on the road, back on the bus, walk from the bus station, and reversed that pattern later in the afternoon. Got my walking done for the day.

When I got back this morning, I took a nap--yes, a nap at 9AM. Then got up, did some Qigong, meditated for a bit, and started the trek back to the truck. After I picked it up, I went to a restorative yoga class. The class was wonderful! Truly restoring--perhaps need to do it even more often than once a week. A really healing session. Topped off with a lentil vegetable soup and a bran muffin. Keeping regular.

Landlady has actually fired up the heater over the past few days. Gets a bit steamy sometimes here in my cave, but heat beats cold any day.

Bumped into a guy I used to work with (long time ago). He was surprised that I recognized him--I never forget a face. Can't always bring up the name, but I do recall faces.

Feeling good from yoga class. Think I'll read for a bit and hit the hay (sounds like something a horse might say). Any breakthroughs today?

Yes, I realized that no one was going to die if I had to kiss off the truck service appointment. Had it been raining hard, I might have done so, but the rain drops aligned themselves with my intentions. But, it was a good feeling to realize I don't have to always do everything I plan--I can change the plans if I need to do so, instead of pushing forward through the muck. One step at a time. I will find joy! I will!

Lady that teaches the restorative yoga says she has some leads on a couple of practitioners who have used Yin Tuina. Looking forward to being put in touch with them--literally. As I walked today, I practiced seeing myself walking freely, without restriction. Was a bit more difficult on the return trip since I had walked so much earlier. But, it all came out as it should. Practice, practice, practice! And a good bran muffin!

6020

Dreams | about people | meeting people | lots of them...

Busy day... went to chiropractor--new practitioner... makes me concerned about how things are going there... Looks like the other practitioners have been let go. Dr. S was really good and was doing the bulk of the work--with him gone, I would think there would be patient defections...

Changes, changes. Change is good.

Went to doctor for a physical. Everything OK, except for the PD-like issues. Told him I was going to try going forward without drugs and see what happens. Didn't get into the PDRecovery stuff with him, but will do so with neurologist on Thursday.

Rain this afternoon. Hope it stops some in the morning--have an appointment for a truck servicing--early in the morning...

Have begun the PDTreatment questionnaire. Needed to talk with M&E about their offer of a room and what it might entail. I'm visualizing that my recovery doesn't require extreme measures in terms of care, but it is unpredictable. Almost complete with the reading of the Handbook. Covered lots of things that I must address, especially negative thought patterns and fear-based thinking processes. How they can impact the recovery... How to switch to joy-based thoughts and patterns.

Example: This morning, when I entered the chiropractor's office, I noticed that there was a new practitioner. My first thoughts were a negative stream of sound bytes regarding why Dr. D wasn't there, why did he let Dr. S go so abruptly and not have coverage, who was this person, how could she possibly know enough about me to give me a treatment/adjustment, why was she wearing clothes that looked like they were from a Harry Potter movie, and so on? Hmmmm!

Instead of: Oh, a new person! Wonder what she might discover/uncover that would help me with my issues--something new and healing perhaps?

In the moment, it can be done. Without the lag and the later recognition of what took place. It's a matter of intention, practice and in my case a necessity. Dis-ease as a spiritual crisis.

Like the book says, it doesn't have to be every thought. Just start inserting joy-based thinking here and there, and teach myself how to make it happen more and more. Relax, breathe, let go, be at peace! What else is there?

6021

Received the PDTeam application form. Have been absorbed with filling it out. Lots of detail requested, as would be expected. Will take a few days what with intervening events before I've got it together.

Got a really generous offer of support from two friends of mine--E&M. They've offered me the use of their guest room during my initial recovery sessions. We have to talk through it a bit more, but it was a great bubble of joy to learn that option is available. They live in Felton, CA, a short ride away from Santa Cruz.

Have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for a general physical, and a discussion, no doubt, of why I stopped the medication. But, that's tomorrow along with a visit to the chiropractor.

Did some Qigong today, a long meditation, a nap, and a walk. Plus some miscellaneous foraging throughout the day. Sky was a vibrant teal blue today. Streets are covered with fallen leaves. A good day it has been. Joy in the morning don't you know!

6022

Homing in on the 6000th entry in this journal (not actually 6000, but 7300-1300, which makes it the 1300th entry). Started with the figure of 7300 (365 x 20 years), and started counting backwards to the zero entry after 20 years has elapsed. Something to amuse myself and to note the passing of the days. Well, so far, nearly 1300 days have passed. I started using this blog to record entries earlier this year. Up until then, I had kept entries in a set of text files.

When the count hits 1460 (or rather 7300-1460 or 5840) that will be the four-year point. Four years and so many changes, so many diversions, so many unexpected twists and turns. But all making the same tracks, leaving the same indentations.

Spent today dealing with rebellious Qi in the stomach channel--for sure. I managed to become constipated over the past few days (blame it on the small pizza I ate earlier in the week). Anyway, today was spent managing the movements. Rebellious Qi affects the digestion and large intestine. I had been keeping things balanced for the past several months (since I had a major problem earlier this year). But, the pizza did it (all vege, but cheese and bread dough didn't help). So today was a "rest" day in that I stayed seated a lot. Oh, well!

Took one of those power action laxatives. Cleaned things up fairly quickly. I used to have a cast iron stomach/digestion system. But with rebellious key, I have to be more attentive to what I ingest. In jest, I ingest thinking I will rest, but that's not best, I guess.

Dancing last night was difficult. I felt heavy and dense. My feet seemed to get stuck in mid-motions. I was also careful when I was doing turns, by default. I didn't consciously say that I would dance carefully, it just manifested. Being constipated and heavy made for a clumsy night of dancing. But, shaking and tremors stopped (for the most part) as I danced and got warm.

The cold really affects the level of shaking/tremors. Too cold makes me shake. Been cranking my little space heater both day and evenings. Landlady's electric bill will have a spike no doubt, but for me warm is better--preferred, required, needed, of necessity.

Been reading a book of short stories that are written around a Bruce Springsteen song, "Meeting Across the River." The song lyrics lay out a sketch of the interactions of three people, all of which deal with making a meeting across the river for some undisclosed activity, but one that supposedly involves money. The stories are fictional extrapolations of the song's story line into whole tales. It is a Scheherazade-like set of tales built around the song lyrics. Very interesting feat and one that comes off well.

The stories are mostly dark, often much darker than the song's storyline suggests. Despite the darkness, the stories are absorbing, especially with the song "playing" in the background.

Another day--another way. Always!

6023

An elaborate dream last night. It dealt with a toy company (again). The facility where we were working was huge. It was multi-storied as seen from the outside, but there were several floors underground as well. Each floor was dedicated to some aspect of a toy's development.

I was new to the place and was trying to walk a project through the system. I didn't know exactly what had to be done or where to go to get it done. So, I grabbed my badge and the project files and started exploring the place.

I went down to the basement floor on one of the elevators that threaded the facility. When the door opened, I was confronted by a huge desk and a woman who looked like a librarian, which is what she was in some respects. This floor was for editing and had large tables where the project files could be opened up and spread out for review. There were specialists in this area who could perform a detailed review/edit of the project papers.

I went up to other floors. Some of them contained engineering groups who could test and evaluate the electrical and mechanical aspects of a toy. Throughout the dream, I just wandered from level to level and participated in helping the toy's development. In some cases, changes made at one level required me to revisit certain levels to make sure that the changes worked properly.

The dream was energetic, absorbing, a bit threatening since I was so new to the process, and quite detailed. There were dozens of people on each level and a host of people moving between levels for consultations.
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Had an adrenaline rush, I guess, after or because of yesterday's junket to the vege feast. Had a round of very active shaking/tremors that didn't seem to want to stop. Went through a number of rituals, but nothing seemed to change the activity. Finally got quiet later in the evening and finally fell asleep. Was beginning to wonder if I was going to be up all night.

Awoke this morning with some shaking. Did Qigong, meditated, and got up and about. Strong shaking/tremors not evident this morning, at lease not like yesterday.

Sent off my request for an intake questionnaire from the PDTreatment team. I've nearly read the entire handbook that they provide. The bottom line is that there are no guarantees--it requires an attitude shift that some people cannot make--from one of fear-based reasoning to one of joy-based experiencing. The physical techniques may well work up to a point, but without the attitude shift the changes may not hold.

It became clear to me several days ago that a "lifestyle" shift was going to be needed for me to recover fully. Since the recovery process is kind of open-ended, I need to make some decisions concerning where I'm located. I have a lot of resistance to moving, but the recovery process may require that I move to Santa Cruz. Doing so will be stressful, but not doing so will make it really difficult to go back and forth to the sessions.

But, all of these musings are a bit premature. I need to know what the PDTreatment team prescribes and then decide how best to make it happen. Ignite my joy; ignite thy radiance!

Dance tonight... keep on moving...

6024

Dreamed that I was part of kid's project. There were different subject areas: math, writing, reading, history, and so forth. The kids went from area to area and filled out worksheets for that subject. When they finished a worksheet, they took it and taped it onto the windows so the work could be seen by anyone standing outside. The kids were having a great time running from area to area and filling out the worksheets. As the worksheets got posted, parents and siblings walked past the windows that were rapidly filling up with filled-out worksheets. The entire scene was joyous and bright.

There was a repeat dream as well--a replay of a dream that I had in the past few weeks, but that had faded upon awakening. It involved water, a boat, an alligator and something to do with trying to capture the gator using a loaf of bread. I don't recall more of the details, but I did recognize that the dream was a repeat.
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Went to Ananda for a vege T-day feast. Was really good! Some kind of nut loaf with side dishes of honeyed carrots and pineapple plus asparagus spears. Started with a spinach, pomegranate, pine nut salad. Desserts were pecan, pumpkin and caramel-apple pies with some kind of tofu whipped cream topping that was almost better than the pies.

Sat with a family--parents and three kids. He was Filipino. His wife was part Hawaiian. Kids were exotic looking. He and an elderly woman who joined the table had both been to India. So, I got to share some of my old Indian stories, which was pleasant.

Elderly woman was from San Francisco--came all the way down for the meal! Although, she didn't have a lot of good things to say about the dishes, she ate her share--especially the pies.

The Ananda players put on a Wodehouse skit, which was fairly amusing--had several good laughs as the scene unfolded. By the end of the skit, I was having some shaking and tremors beginning to manifest. Sitting for such a long time (2+ hours) was not ideal. Helped with the cleanup, which helped flatten some of the shaking/tremors.

Going to nap out for a short while. A fitting conclusion to the event. Glad I didn't agree to head for D&D's afterwards. Enough food and stimulation for the day. Family members scattered across the state today--hope their T-day events were fun and enjoyable... I give thanks for them and everyone in my life... may they all be blessed and filled with joy...

6025

Dream machine got fogged again last night. Remember dreaming, but don't recall the content. Was really energized and tired when I went to bed. Did a restorative yoga class in the afternoon and then hit the dance class later in the evening. Was exhilarating and exhaustive.

Plus it was the final dance class for the year in that venue. Made for lots of review as well as learning two new dances. Ended up reading more of the PDRecovery handbook before going to bed. Another reason dreams were foggy--the brain getting saturated.

Turkey day tomorrow. Will be heading for a vege feast with the Ananda crowd. Won't try and do more than that. My rebellious Qi in the stomach channel symptoms continue. They were a little more present today, but I was also feeling a bit down, which seems to make things more reactive.

Been trying to practice being grateful--grateful for each moment, each instance of joy and opportunity. Not always possible of course. Was difficult at the laundromat, but easier at the chiropractor's office. Also, more difficult with chainsaws buzzing this morning, versus sitting here now in the warmth and stillness. But the path requires an unflagging gratitude for all that is--I must learn how to walk that path.

Meanwhile, it's time to forage for food. I've been envisioning me getting into a new place. One that not only has a kitchen, but that is such that it will support me on my journey, wherever it may take me. I keep seeing myself living a quiet, contemplative lifestyle--with yoga, Qigong, treatments, dance, exercise, and writing forming the core of who I am. I don't see another picture that makes more sense. I feel like I will be in such a place around the New Year.

Spoke with D and she's sending me some of her contacts for acupuncture and Asian Medicine. Gratitude. I am grateful.

6026

Part of a dream from last night--I was with a group of people going through a shrine or temple. We made our way to an open-air room where we distributed ourselves about the space. Some sat in meditative postures and some lay down to rest. There was some work being done to the open roof beams that required workmen to walk out onto the beams and sit down. I noticed that one of the workmen was chewing tobacco and turned to spit regularly. The problem was that he was sitting above some of the people on the floor of the room. So his spittle was spraying people down below with dark traces of chewed tobacco. I noticed what he was doing and tried to warn a woman in a white sari, but too late. Some of his effluvium already marked her skirt.

There were other dream elements, but they melted into haze upon my awakening.

Have sent feelers out regarding a yin tuina practitioner. Getting closer to the source in some regards--have name of person who taught that discipline in a local Asian Medicine program. Will keep digging.

Meanwhile, reading my way through the PDRecovery Handbook. Lots of insightful data presented therein. The descriptions of symptoms and characteristics are quite explicit and detailed.

(Note: There are tree trimmers climbing about in a tree that's in a neighbor's yard, but that hangs over into our garden. They are cutting branches, which are falling into the garden. The whole thing is a bit like the dream with tree branches instead of tobacco juice falling from the sky.)

Did Qigong this morning. Felt like doing so kickstarted the day. I slept in some this morning, but mostly just tossed and turned as the Qi activated on my right side and arm. The morning hours are when the stomach Qi is highly active. So it has become the time when my rebellious stomach channel key rattles things the most.

I'm heading to a restorative yoga class this afternoon and plan on hitting dance class tonight. Keep on moving! Moving means less shaking to some degree. We shall see.

Hearing from friends and family with lots of good wishes. Nice to know that I am supported by so many. Joy over fear! Grace and healing from the universe.

6027

Seemed like I dreamed several dreams that I had dreamed previously. Dreamsville déjà vu.

Been reading my way through the PDRecovery Handbook. Lots of information. A lot to absorb, but it needs to be done. Chapter 4 in the manuscript read like a personal history. It dealt with the type of person/personality/activities that presage a PD eruption. Basically, an adrenaline-based nexus of fears, actions, ways of dealing with the world, and mental attempts to reconcile the disparaties that lead to collapse--mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. Doing things no matter what versus operating from flow and joy.

I was blindly heading in the different direction earlier this year--with a mix of yoga, dance, qigong, and other practices. I was doing them as fixes for my problems instead of thinking about them as lifestyle. Fixes = fear-based actions; lifestyle = joy-based living.

So, the PDRecovery materials are of value even if I don't get diagnosed with PD. I still only have a subset of the symptoms, although the shaking/tremor has pushed the diagnosis forward (along with micrographia, cog-wheel joint movements, weakness in upper body strength, and so on).

Chiropractor is aware of what's going on with me. He intuitively worked on my foot/leg today, somewhat in the manner described in the PDRecovery materials. My reading and thoughts leaked through to him. Makes me feel like he's truly in touch with my energies and blockages.

Did a Qigong session earlier this afternoon. Felt good. Fell asleep while meditating afterwards. Which also felt good. Back to the books and learning more about myself.

6028

Dreamed | I was healthy |

Sent a health update to my friends and family list... Will repeat it here--it's a summary of the past several weeks of journal entries...

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Hello everyone--

Here's where I am on my health-related issues (some of you may know some of what follows since we've talked about it personally--I just want to make sure everyone's up to date).

I started taking Sinemet at the end of October on a diagnostic basis to see if it would stop the shaking/tremor symptoms. If the symptoms stopped or abated, then that in itself would support a diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease.

After almost three weeks of taking the drug, the symptoms started to abate.

At the same time, I was searching the web and reading all I could on the disease and the drug I was taking. The news was not good on either count. The disease is supposedly degenerative and progressive. However, there was a lot of negative information regarding long term use of the drug. There was a lot of discussion and data indicating that the drug, used long term, produces a drug-induced set of Parkinson-like disorders. I.e., the drug would reduce symptoms in the short run, but become an eventual liability--a big one.

As I was reading materials on the drug, I came across a PDRecovery site (PDRecovery.org) that has two large manuscripts dealing with PD recovery and drug-related problems associated with successful recoveries. (Note: According to the medical people, PD is not curable.) I learned they have a treatment team in Santa Cruz (PDTreatment.com) that takes on PD clients as long as they have NOT taken antiparkinson drugs for over three weeks (21 days). As I read that caveat, I calculated that I had been taking Sinemet for 18 days. I stopped taking the drug immediately. It was triggering an nictation problem anyway, which was one of the drug's known side effects.

I immediately contacted the PDTreatment team and asked them if my eligibility for their program was still OK since I'd stopped short of their 21-day cutoff. They have replied and indicated that I'm still eligible. I'm in the process of reading their two large manuscripts (required reading) so I can apply for their program.

Part of their technique involves the use of a Chinese manipulation called Yin Tui Na or Forceless Spontaneous Release (FSR). I won't try and describe all that's involved here. If you're interested, go to the PDRecovery.org site and download the manuscript PDFs so you can read offline. They don't charge anything for the downloaded files.

I'm scheduled to see the doctor again on 11/28 for a full physical. I'm to see the neurologist on 12/1. My intention at this point is to get a confirmation of the diagnosis, and if the diagnosis is PD, then apply to the PDTreatment team and go from there. I wish to proceed without relying on the drugs, which appear to produce really bad final results.

Since I stopped the drugs, the symptoms come and go, and seem to be more noticeable--at least to me. They subside when I do Qigong, dance, walk--when I'm moving. They appear when I am stressed,
need to eat, get too cold, or sit too long. Classic PD symptoms and reactions.

I look forward to getting cleared and started with the PDTreatment program/people. My next update should chronicle where I am in that process. Have a great T-bird day, everyone. Love and blessings... Rzzzz

6029

Dreams | abundant | but didn't hold them as I awoke | except --

I was standing on a train platform. In the distance behind where we stood, there was child playing with one of the public telephones. He kept dropping the phone and would dive after it by sliding down the cord. I was concerned because he kept slamming into the concrete floor. His father was holding him, but was talking to someone and only peripherally watching what the child was doing. The dream made me anxious, but there was nothing that it looked like I could do. I had to assume that the child was going to be OK.

There were other dreams and dream fragments throughout the night.

Been reading the PDRecovery book today. There's some 20-odd chapters and I've now read (or reread) the first three. Fortunately, the material is really well written so it's engaging and absorbing. So far, it makes a lot of sense. Haven't been able to identify a precise foot injury that seems to be a common factor among all of the people they've treated. But, I've had several problems with my feet that they may be able to unravel.

Still chasing down a local practitioner. Am finding more leads. I feel like I'll find someone eventually.

In the chapters I've just completed, the author discusses adrenaline-based versus dopamine-based activities and actions. They've had quicker success with people who have dopamine-based practices (music, yoga, Qigong, Tai Chi, etc.). So dancing makes a lot of sense. Tonight, I dance. Tomorrow, I sing. Fear and joy. A balance is needed. Too much fear leads to stagnation and immobility. Joy is needed to balance out the system, to help make the channels around the mouth turn into smiles.

6030

Dreams | happened | but they've flown away with the spinning day.

Good news! I'm still eligible to work with the Santa Cruz group. Glad I stopped the medication when I did even though the shaking/tremors are back and very present. So I have at least one option for treatment in addition to drugs. There are others as well (Perlmutter et al), but the FSR (Yin Tuina) resonates.

I've found a handful of local people (acupuncturists, massage specialists, etc.) who advertise that they use the techniques. So things are beginning to coalesce, to come together.

I've downloaded the two large manuscripts from the PDRecovery site and have begun to read my way through them. They detail what the Santa Cruz group (PDTreatment site) have been doing, what they have learned, and how they proceed. In the beginning was the word...or words in this case.

I gather that the FSR process can take up to a year so I'm starting to think how I'll set up for that length of time. But need to stop thinking about all that tonight, read some, and ride the quiet waves, the evening stillness.

6031

Dreamed I saw a full moon--not a dream--the moon is shining down on me right now. An orange Thanksgiving moon.

Rough day. Stopped the Sinemet medication and symptoms returned. Heavier earlier today. Have moderated as evening approaches. Have decided that I will postpone using anything like Sinemet until I have to use it.

Also wanted to stay within the three-week limit defined by the FSR (yin tuina) people (FSR=Forceless Spontaneous Release) who claim they have had recovery results--as long as the PD person has NOT taken antiparkinson drugs for more than three weeks. (I'm 3 days short of three weeks--18 days when I stopped yesterday.) I can always restart the medications, but I want to give myself some room before jumping in a particular chemical bed.

Discovered that the person I went to hear speak on Medical Qigong is trained in Yin Tuina as is his wife. They maintain a practice in Sacramento. Had I known... Saw him on 10/9... went to doctor on 10/27... just a mere 18 days between events, and now another 18 in learning about Yin Tuina (FSR).

I'm gearing up to create a healthy, spiritual, holistic way of dealing with this condition--which I believe, like the FSR people do, is electrical in nature--it's a problem that is energy based... So slow and steady; small steps; no leaps. Find a path through the mists.

And the words of the dance song haunts me -- Who you gonna call when your road ends at the sea? The FSR people are at the road that ends at the sea...Santa Cruz!

6032

Dreams | forgotten | not recalled | the sway of seasons, the pull of moons.

Day came and went. In some ways, just another day. But, ran across some data/information regarding drug I'm taking and the prospects of recovery that require more exploration. Spent long hours reading about some Asian medical procedures that may be alternatives. Wish I had run across this material several weeks ago--but did not and must go from where I am.

As the Buddha says, "If you are in a hole, your path starts in a hole."

6033

Dreamed that I was helping to develop a type of electronic book that helped kids learn mathematics. The pages were laid out with 6-8 objects on each page. The kids could cause any two objects to be highlighted and brought into sharp focus. Images on the page were normally grayed back until they were selected and highlighted. When chosen, the images became fully colored and bright, and were brought into sharp focus.

The kids were actively engaged with the pages. As I and other monitors walked around the room, we only needed to intercede occasionally to answer questions or make suggestions.

A second dream involved a Memphis friend, RS. We were in his plane and flying to a campground where there were some men's team activities underway. We had some excitement in making a landing. We had to dodge some power lines, some trees, and we ended up screeching to a stop as we almost drifted into a fence.

The men's teams had just finished a fish cleaning contest. Our team was sitting in a cleaning tub and looked really tired and fatigued. I remarked that their sad faces would make a funny photograph. RS and I were ready to join in, but there was no much for us to do. The team had completed their set of tasks and were taking a break.
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Today was a light day in terms of shaking and tremors. The symptoms are still present, but muted today. Read a lot about Essential Tremor (ET) last night and am beginning to wonder if I don't have that condition, rather than PD. There are some anomalies with both diagnoses--I don't have all of the PD symptoms, just as I don't have all of the classic ET symptoms--but the ET fit makes sense if the PD medication isn't producing effects, which seems to be the case.

Less than two weeks until I visit the doctor and then the neurologist--and hopefully have some better idea of what's going on. I did Qigong today (which does affect the symptoms to some degree) and have/will again meditate, which also moderates the symptoms.

Staying quiet and relaxed is definitely helping with the whole process. Let there be stillness--let there be light!

Dance class tonight--another way to sail!

6034

I dreamed I was living in a cabin set in a wooded area. There were four mailboxes near the cabin and there were four mailboxes on the main road where the road to the cabin emerged. The mailboxes were numbered differently. For example, the ones on the main road were labeled 110A, 112B, 113C, and 114D. The boxes near the cabin were labeled 115E, 116F, 117G, and 118H.

It seemed that no matter which box was used, the mail still got delivered, ultimately, to the cabin. If a letter was put into one of the main road boxes, it would be transferred to one of the cabin boxes and then to the cabin. The same would happen if a piece of mail was placed in the cabin boxes--it too would be delivered to the cabin.

In the dream, I was talking to someone about the mail system and how it worked. As we talked, we walked down the main road, down a steep hill, into a town area. As we came into the town, there were a couple of people doing some form of photo shoot. There were two men, one with a camera and the other dressed in a cape and carrying an ornate staff. He was posing with the cape and staff. For some reason, the woman and I seemed to be getting in the men's way. I kept trying to move out of their way, but the woman seemed oblivious and kept standing around and blocking the men's movements.

The whole dream space was charged with an energy even during the awkward time at the photo shoot scene. The woman was an ex-wife and there was a sexual component to our interactions and conversations. The entire mail box segment was like a puzzle that seemed to make perfect sense to me.
*************************************
Had some shaking as I awoke, which continued until I went to the chiropractor and ate some breakfast. Shaking moderated somewhat after that. Feeling pretty good this morning; feel clear and awake. Letting go of the apartment hunt until I get more data on my state of health was a good move. A lot of stress was removed by making that decision. Let's me focus more on how I'm doing, what I'm doing, and so forth.

Noticed that trip to the beach was overall a good thing yesterday, but the driving was a bit stressful. Normally, that would not be the case, but it was so yesterday. I'm feeling like I'm on the edge of something, of things shifting in some way--it's a positive surge of energy. Perhaps brought into consciousness by the full moon. We shall see! Yes, we shall!

Walked downtown in order to move some and to get some sun. Came back and collapsed for a bit. Picked up my mail and there was some minor (very minor) good news--seems that the SS miscalculated my monthly stipend. I got a raise! A small amount, but a raise. With next year's cost of living increase, January check will be even slightly bigger. They're sending me a check for this year's arrears--a whole amount of $170! Whoopee!

Also got a short story from a friend of mine who just thought he'd try his hand at it. He's a natural story teller and the piece is quite good. I'm going to encourage him to submit it around. I think that it's publishable. Of course, reading it was bittersweet--made me think of everything I haven't written. Can't seem to pull my attention off of me and my health issues long enough to even outline a story idea. Have spent the last year in that mode. Have spent my whole life in some mode of almost starting, almost beginning to write. But, let's not go there (been there, am there, stay there).

Turkey day nearly upon us! It's a full moon tonight as all those turkey souls are released around the world. My days are filled with possibilities; my nights are filled with dreams.

6035

Dreamed last night. One dream was about snakes. I lived in a house in a wooded area. On the next parcel, there was another house. A woman lived there with her kids and husband. One day, I walked onto their property and noticed that the soil was marshy and damp. It seemed like everywhere I stepped I encountered squishy wet soil. As I looked closely, I saw that the ground was filled with snakes. They were sticking up out of the mud, were entwined in bushes and shrubs, and were slithering about everywhere.

I saw the woman hacking away at something in the underbrush. As I approached her, I could see that she had been killing some of the snakes. Headless bodies were scattered about, some bodies were still sticking up out of the mud, but with the heads chopped off. I asked her if she had to do this a lot. She acknowledged that is was nearly a full time effort to keep the snakes at bay and away from her house.

I was struck by the darkness and dampness of her property. My property was bright, sunny and had no water-filled soil like hers. I returned to my property and was glad to leave her dreary plot of ground.

In a second dream, I was working with a group of young men. We were encoding some form of software program that was going to operate on the Internet. We were all specialists and had specific roles to play on the project team. We would meet at this diner for meals. It was called something like the "Whiteway Diner." It was like an old Dairy Queen or Foster's Freeze, with booths and full service--not just walk up. When we met, we ate enormous amounts of food. When we finished eating, we'd head back to the project office and put in another work shift. We never slept. We just ate and worked, ate and worked, in a never-ending cycle.

In a third dream, I was back in my place in the woods. I was on a road or path that skirted the snake woman's house. As I walked past, with two of my kids, I saw the husband come to the front door and accept a package from a delivery man. The husband was signing for the package. I thought it would be a good time for me to say something to him about the snakes. But, then I thought more about it and decided that he must already know. There was no need to talk with him about it. So I went on my way, trailing my kids as they ran ahead.
*************************************
Got up and went to the beach this morning. Beautiful weather over there. I felt somewhat tense as I drove there and back, and never really settled down when I was there. Not sure if that was from the medication or my own state of mind--or both. Even being distracted, it was nice to walk the beach, watch the waves, and whisper into the winds.

Stopped at a Hawaiian Grill place and had an ahi sandwich. Ample serving of ahi with the standard macaroni salad. They had several HI-style dishes on the menu, but wasn't up to a giant plate of food for breakfast.

Came back over the hill and went for another walk around the neighborhood. After doing a walkabout, I came back home and sat for nearly an hour. I dozed off during part of the sitting, but did get in some still time.

I'm glad I decided to postpone apartment hunting. Feels less stressful not having that in the back of my thoughts--have enough stuff back there already. Like my left eye starting to twitch--a rapid back and forth movement of the eye itself. Strange! Is it that my glasses are out of whack or is it my nervous system? Is this something else or is it related to my arm spasms? Does the universe have an explanation or is it an unknowable mystery? Where am I headed? How will I know when I get where I'm supposed to be? Why am I asking myself these silly questions? Why not?

Got pretty bogged down in the String Theory book after just a few pages. Too much mathematics for the average reader. Need a String Theory for Dummies book with minimal math and lots of images, if that's even possible. 10 or 11 dimensions make it somewhat difficult to sketch meaningful illustrations. But, it can possibly be done.

The Universe on a T-shirt book was really well done. He kept it simple and didn't dive off the mathematical cliffs into n-space and beyond. The String Theory book is for an undergraduate course on the subject--you just have to be a very smart undergraduate and be very fluent in mathematics. Right now, I need to be focusing on Quantum Healing as well as Quantum Mechanics. A little bit of both.

6036

Dreams | lost | again | and there were dreams aplenty. Only recall one tiny fragment of one dream. In that fragment, there was a pipe and a pool of water. The water was draining into the pipe, but items kept clogging the opening. Some of the items were just pieces of trash. Occasionally, an item would be a live animal--a mouse or bird that had fallen into the water and was being pulled into the pipe by the waters. There were other dreams that seemed to be panoramic--as if they were taking place on a big screen--but no content.

Dancing last night was really good. I've been sliding for a couple of weeks as I've been absorbing my medical state(s). So was good to just dance and let go of a lot of the mental junk. I seemed to be able to move well--no dizziness of problems with turns. I was feeling somewhat tired by the time we were ready to leave, but not unexpected given the layoff.

Ate a lot yesterday. And doing somewhat the same today. There's a dance tonight. Will see if I decide to go or not. I've been out briefly today, but have mostly holed up for the most part. Been thinking and rethinking my living situation. Have not heard about in-law unit I applied for and am beginning to revise my plans--as much as I've been able to plan.

I've been thinking it might be foolish to commit to a place before I get feedback from my doctor and the neurologist. I can easily hang out here for a couple more months and by then may know more about my condition(s) and what I may want to be doing for the long term.

Means I have to put up with the limitations of the current place, but may avoid being stuck in another place when what I may need to do is be elsewhere. It relieves some of the stress in the short run and lets me focus on my rituals and regimens. Focus is something I need to be doing--as my peripatetic meanderings and changes of course reveal.

Just finished readings several stories by China Mieville that dealt with age, infirmities, and mental twists. They were like reading pieces of my recent, current life. The characters were all dealing with life's overwhelms and randomness, doing so in bizarre and unexpected ways. Powerful, difficult to read stories because of their rawness and searing storylines. Will take a break from all that and read some about string theory--oh, yeah! From the bizarre to the universe.

6037

Dreams | lost | in | Dreamspace | Did dream, but they slipped away on this autumn day.

Had a sacro/cranial adjustment today by K. She worked on me a few times at the chiropractor's office. Her hands get red hot as she does the manipulations (or follows the movements of the neck and cranium). The heat is healing, penetrating, and, hopefully, can help in some way.

When I was at the chiropractor's on Monday, while I was on the adjustment table, I recalled her work on my neck and shoulders. About then, the chiropractor walked up and spontaneously said that I should get an adjustment from someone, like R. Twilight Zone time. He read my thoughts or I read his. In any event, I scheduled a session with her.

Today's session was wonderful. I was really spaced out when I got up from the table. There was an episode of shaking with my arm that was like a major release. It was like a regular spasm except unmoderated--my arm felt like it was dancing by my side--if flipped and flopped and shook and such. Then she moved her fingers to some different pressure points on my skull and the shaking ceased.

Since then, I've been having episodes of spasms. Ate a sandwich (tuna) about an hour before my 3pm dosing and I think the protein affected the medication absorption in some way. Went through a period of shaking and had to take a nap to quiet down. OK, now except for reaction to cool weather--makes me have shaking spells.

Heading out to dance tonight with L. She's tied up tomorrow with one of her Finnish festivals so it's dance tonight or not at all. Might as well dance since I'm already moving anyway. Keep telling people that I'll never feel an earthquake--I'm already in motion.

Haven't heard from the in-law unit people. May not after all this time. Started relooking at places to rent. More seem to be coming onto craigslist. Will revisit that issue in the morrow--tonight we dance!

6038

Dreams | are | back | and very colorful. Dreamed I was managing an art project. The pieces were huge horizontal canvasses that were made out of some synthetic material. A canvas could display many layers, each superimposed over the other to form the full image.

The project involved many artists. Each artist was assigned a layer on a particular canvas. Each artist worked at an authoring station where they could work on their layer, get previews of what the overall image was looking like as people added layers and detail on each layer. When each artist felt that the current work was ready for display, they could release the current version and see what it looked like on the canvas. The project involved dozens of canvasses. The work was being created in a large warehouse space. The final installation would be in a big museum gallery.

Some of the artists I know were part of the creative team. Part of the dream dealt with me talking with them about deadlines and moving ahead with their layers. Some of them were redoing everything on their layers several times from scratch. They were starting to lag behind the development of the other layers. The process required that every layer be moving forward on a consistent basis. Some rework had to be done to fine tune each layer into the overall composition. But if one artist started redoing a layer there was a ripple effect throughout the other layers, which caused delays and reworks. Part of the concept behind the project was an agreed upon coordination that had to take place with each canvas.

Anyway my favorite artist friends were causing ripple effects that I dealt with in the dreams.

One canvas got singled out in the dream. It was a canvas where each artist was creating a layer that gave the overall image a dimensionality that didn't exist with any one layer. The topmost layer was a set of unique icons that were shown and moved based on elements/aspects of the other layers. It was one of the canvasses that was getting delayed--the icon artist kept tweaking the icons making them lose their communications with the other parts of the image.

It was a busy, creative dream state. The problems encountered were those you might expect with such an innovative, extensive project. The dream was | stress | free |
*************************************
Morning went smoothly--symptoms are slight. Could have slept in, but had a chiropractor appointment that I finally made myself go to. Am a little tired today; a bit more so than I felt yesterday, but nothing major. Might grab a nap before dance class--and, yes, plan on hitting the dance class floor tonight--been skipping out too much recently. The medication doesn't seem to be bothering my balance or causing and dizziness--so might as well dance.

No news on the apartment (in-law cottage) application I made. It's OK. I'll find the right place in good time. Rain, rain, blows my way. Starting to pick up again this afternoon. Finished reading the Universe on a T-shirt book. A history of the Theory of Everything. Was interesting! Look forward to reading more on string theory. Makes me think what I might have done had I not switched my college major from Physics/Math to Theater Arts. I could have been a physicist! Oh, well! Next reincarnation, unless I fall off the wheel.

6039

Dream | less | again | or some universe where that's what's happening. I'm certain that I dreamed some dreams, but they just vaporized when I awoke. Too bad, I was expecting a quantum dream last night.

Awoke fairly early and did a Qigong session. Then went and had a hearty breakfast and did my laundry. Shakes and tremors in the background still, but not like yesterday's temblors. Clouds starting to darken the sky. This morning was bright and sunny, but now the storm fronts are moving in. Supposed to rain tonight.

Got a note from an ex-wife (one of the many--actually only 3) in reply to my health update broadcast. Seems she is on the move--divorcing her 4th (!!??) husband, changing her name, and moving to the East Coast. Reinvent yourself! I guess so!

I nearly forgot my 3PM medication--first time that's happened. Up until now, I've been really punctual. But, I was busy and the time slipped by. Only a half hour off (not a big deal), but definitely a variation of schedule. At the time my symptoms were fairly light and a couple of spasms kicked in, which reminded me that I hadn't taken anything.

Been still and quiet this afternoon. Morning was a bit jumbled what with laundromats and such. Back here this afternoon, with the rains looming, I found a quiet space, a stillness space.

I realized that I'm going to do better with this shaking issue if I can be doing something physical--something active that involves my whole body--something that keeps me moving, lifting, shaking off the symptoms, so to speak. May have to resort to a spa, but I'm going to investigate options. I don't really need to be paid; I just need to be engaged. Outdoors would be ideal. Hmmmm!
*************************************
Men's team meeting was lightly attended. RS's wife was rear-ended on the freeway. He had to go pick her up and deal with the car. RM, MD and I met and had dinner. Symptoms went quiet during most of the evening. Picked up some when we had to stand outside in the cold to finish up. But, for the most part, they are reduced. I ate well today (good breakfast and dinner), did Qigong, meditated before dinner, got out and about, met/interacted with people. Some lessons in all of that stuff.

Right now, feel like I could do anything. I'm clear, relaxed, not having spasms, and energized. When I feel like I do now, I feel "normal" and like there's nothing wrong with me--contrasted to yesterday's period of feeling like I was ill, out of balance, buzzy, and filled with dread. Quite a contrasted set of experiences. What will tomorrow bring? Something different no doubt.

MD said that tonight regarding his two sons, the twins. How each day is a totally different set of events. Something new everyday--no repeats. True for everyone--some of us just try for reruns anyway. Have to give that up. Completely.

6040

Dream | less | night | Don't remember any dreams.

Spent morning filling out a rental application and faxing it to the person coordinating the rental process. Wrote down the wrong fax number--that took some time to unravel. Missed (skipped out) on Spanish class and dance class. Was feeling really anxious until I grabbed a late lunch. Felt less anxious after eating, but tremors set in and wouldn't go away. 3PM medication seemed to make things either worse or it had no effect. Maybe was affected by being taken on top of lunch. Finally got some respite around 6PM. Drove over to L's for some tea and toast, watched a little TV, and came back home.

Quiet now as I write. Stillness in the night and in the body. Waves of stillness. Spent a bit of time earlier in the evening listening to the final tracks of side 1 of the Tolle CD. Quietness and stillness in his voice and manner. Talked a lot about this moment, the only moment. I listened and tried to reconcile with having my body in motion, having it shake and quiver as I try and become the stillness.

I am not my body, my thoughts, my breath, my work, my conditions, my shaking--but the shaking is difficult to let go of when it feels as if it has me. Anyway, the good news is that right now, this very moment, I feel still, feel stillness, even as my fingers move and I write what I am writing. Now, the shaking returns as I stop writing for a moment, for this moment. It is as if I have a clever puzzle that I'm wrestling over--movement, no movement; shaking, no shaking; quiet and still, disquiet and in motion--how to reconcile, be with it, come to reside in what is happening.

No slick or clever answers. And nothing to do when I'm caught in a neuron storm--or whatever is happening with me. Something keeps coming back from the previous Power Healing class--where there was a guest speaker--about the mind not being able to do two things at once, think two thoughts. It either is thinking thought A (I am shaking, for example) or thought B (I am not shaking). It cannot think both at the same time. Or can it?

Under quantum rules, might I not be able to think both thoughts, hold both experiences? It seems like a way through the paradox, to be in both states. Will sleep on that thought (those thoughts) and see where that takes me. In fact, in sleep I might be in both states--there is just no consciousness around to try and reconcile the two conditions. (I can tell I've been reading the Universe on a T-shirt book and it's tales of Einstein. Wonder what will emerge when I start reading about string theory?)

6041

I dreamed several intense, exciting dreams last night. I also awoke in the middle of the night (early morning) and lost some of the dream details, but not all. The key thing I recall was being in a river, a fast-flowing body of water. I was floating down the river, riding the currents, shooting rapids as the river became more turbulent and active. I was exhilarated and full of joy at being able to navigate barriers and shoot through narrow routes. At one point, I stopped myself and climbed out onto a rock so I could look back upstream. As I looked, I saw a man and his young son playing in the shallows of a stretch I had just traversed. The man was encouraging the boy to venture further and further out into the channel. The man just wanted his son to experience a bit of the water's rushing force. I knew that they were safe and I reentered the water and continued my journey downstream.

There were other dream elements. Some, I believe, were about being in a dense woods and chasing or running after some creature or person. I don't recall the details like I did with the river scene. In addition, there were other dream elements as well that were lost when I awoke.
*************************************
Awoke last night and this morning with greatly reduced sensations of shaking. This condition held all morning and into the afternoon. It continues now as I write these notes. I ate a good breakfast and had a small lunch over the past 8 hours. No special effects from doing so (no reduction or increase of symptoms--things remain in a steady state).

No news yet on the apartment front. I've come to the conclusion that I need to find a place with a bit more room, light, space than what I have now, plus a full kitchen, etc. I need to move into a place that will support me as I start down the trail I seem to be headed. I need a place that adds no stress, but that only provides support as I figure out my next steps. I've got an appointment tonight to see a nearby cottage. I don't hold out great expectations about the suitability of the place, but staying open--might be surprised.

Tomorrow is voting day. Have to go to my old precinct near my old address. Looks like NO on lots of things. Need to start using the absentee ballots. A lot less hassle.

Final Power Healing class tonight. Wonder what is planned next. I've let my family know what's happening with me and my health. There's still uncertainty regarding the diagnosis, but there seems to be a trend that's becoming clear. I'll keep everyone apprised.

6042

Dreamed last night, but didn't put them into dream cache memory. So, they have fallen back into the dream pool, ready to be caught again.

Morning went OK. Fell back some from yesterday's energy levels and easing of vibrations. This afternoon has been better, quieter. It is really still right now. Perhaps the calm before the storm. Heard it was supposed to start raining. Have been moving aimlessly about town today. Monitoring, watching, listening, but not doing. Keep having thought glimpses that try and imagine where all this will lead, how it will turn out. No way to know, but the mindscape can run continuous scenarios showing all kinds of results.

Heard a comment on NPR today about Kubler-Ross's five stages (of grief, of dying, of dealing with anything that is not wanted): denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I find that I'm cycling back and forth between stages one and four, skipping over anger (What? Me get angry? Not likely!) and bargaining (something I hate to do). Denial leads me down paths of optimistic fantasies and then I fall into the pit of depression when I sense the fantasies will not resolve the situation.

I am willing to jump directly into acceptance, only when I do so it looks, smells, tastes a lot like denial. I'm not authentically accepting, whatever that may look like.

Feels like rain. Feels like a waiting taking place, a hovering, a misty promise. I have had glimpses of clearness over the past few days, clearness and a sense of returning from the world of the dead. Nothing huge so far; nothing of monumental designation. Just peeks into a place, a space, a face that I have known, have been, have encountered long ago.

I'm uncomfortable--physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and in all other ways of being. I reach for the acceptance ring, but grasp empty air, empty thoughts, empty reasons. I fail to see reality or engage with its consequences. I drift, I float, I wander, and I wait. A huge period of existential waiting to which I am accustomed, of which I know too well.

I need more data. I need more information about likely outcomes if I have the disease. There are huge voids in what I can see of my future, voids that need filling. They can be filled either with data or with acceptance--true acceptance. All paths lead to the mountain; all rivers become the sea.

6043

Strange set of dreams last night. Probably triggered by me going to sleep so early and for so long.

One dream involved snowmobiles, snow, and crazy antics by people riding the vehicles. It was dream jumble of crashes, wrecks, flips and spins. One man kept revving his engines and then releasing the clutch, which sent the snowmobile into a wild spin. People were whooping and laughing, and no one seemed to get hurt despite the reckless behavior.

A second dream dealt with pile of debris--trash. I appeared to be living in a cabin in a wooded area. Downhill from the cabin there were mounds of trash that I was attempting to pick up. Someone was helping, but kept asking questions regarding what to do with each item. I kept saying to just pick it up and put it in the trash cans that were sitting around the place. The dream was productive--we cleared away a lot of loose debris and helped restore the area.
*************************************
No to mixed news on the apartment hunting activities. Got more proactive, but ran into some thoughts about getting a somewhat nicer place. Go ahead and spend a bit more to get a bit more. Have to change locations to make that happen--probably get a place in RC instead of PA, MP or MV. Have calls into a couple of agents and an appointment to see a place down the street (here in PA) that might work.

Have had an interesting 24-hour period. My rankings regarding my shaking/tremor states have been a steady 4 (0 to 10 scale) for the past day and a bit. Feeling good, feeling healthy and shaking/tremors subsiding. They're not completely gone, but they've subsided. I still have low level tremors if I just stop, but while I'm in motion they have abated. Stress situations bring them back momentarily. Stress includes not eating on a regular basis.

Didn't dance last night or tonight. Feeling like I want to exercise some. Still several weeks to go on the current medications, but looking like it's taking the edge off of things. Good news/bad news. The good news is the shaking is lightening up. The bad news is the implications for such results.

As I drove about today, I couldn't help but notice the huge numbers of people beehived into apartment buildings. Everyone has grabbed a set of cells in the hive, decorated them, and made turned them into nests, into places away from the rest of the world. Except the world creeps into their cells via TV, radio, CDs, DVDs, internet and more. The world fills up the cell space, the nest with world debris, world stuff.

Do I have a point? Not really. I was just reflecting on me reflecting about the many people who are settled in a place, a space, a cell of grace. Getting late--time to renovate, meditate and medicate. What an exciting time (not)! It's actually a positive sign--I'm getting bored. I've been so wrapped up in my health drama that I haven't had the time to be bored. With the health issues coming into focus, my attention wanders and I start getting bored with it all.

Oh, the mind and soul send mixed messages to the universe.

6044

Had a panoply of dreams last night. Am blurry now on what they were about. There were three major sections. One had something to do with being in a family setting. I don't believe that I was part of the family, but lived there for some reason. We were having a vociferous discussion about something. In a second dream, the family changed into another family. This dream had a different tone or feeling sense. In part, the dreams were scattered over a long period of sleeping since I went to bed early last night--really early--I think I figured that I was in bed and mostly sleeping for about 15 hours. Lots of dream time!

A third dream was more memorable. It had to do with a game or puzzle toy. I had electronic documents that were diagrams of logic and play patterns. I was pulling up for viewing and making corrections and adjustments to some of them. There was another person nearby. She was assisting me with making the changes and documenting them.

I'm not sleepy yet tonight. Slept enough last night for a week.
*************************************
The clearness and energy I experienced yesterday morning got rummaged in the afternoon. And then I slept. This morning I awoke fairly jittery, but as the day wore on the symptoms kept moving into the background. After my 3PM dose, I've been fairly symptom free (or symptom lessened) for the past 6 hours. Right now, I feel clear and lucid. I just ate a huge dinner (I was hungry, but not shaking--although it felt like that if I didn't eat something I would start showing symptoms).

Spent a good bit of time today looking at apartments. Lots of dumpy places. I was bummed after I looked at some units in Mt. View. Decided I would look closer at places in PA and MP. Found two possibles in those locations. Saw the one in MP and will take it if I get selected. It's not big, but it's quiet, convenient, has a kitchen, and has reasonable rent (includes utilities). Will see other place in PA on Monday. It's a newer place, but may not be as big as the one MP or laid out as well. Also, it's more expensive and does not include utilities--but I won't knock it off the list until I see it.

Meanwhile, I'll keep on looking. Something else may pop up.

So the medications may be kicking in. It's not steady yet, but there have been these windows of clarity. It's a good news/bad news scenario--the good news is the drugs are starting to help--the bad news is the drugs are starting to help, which might confirm the prognosis. Given how I feel right now, I could live with it as long as everything maintains. The unknown is what happens when things don't maintain. Time enough for those speculations after I get through this initial diagnostic period. We shall see. Yes indeed, we shall--in technicolor.

Punted on dancing tonight. Will go tomorrow night, Ojala que si!

6045

Dreamed last night about being with some artist friends. One was from the distant past, GS. The other the more recent past, JON. I was visiting with GS and he showed me a panel of artwork. It was a 5 x 5 set of panels that looked like a giant stained glass installation except each panel was not glass. Each section was a piece of art, a heavily sculptured painting where the paint had been trowled onto the canvasses. The colors were such that it gave the impression of stained glass.

I noted that the installation reminded me of a work by my friend JON. Somehow, in the dream we went to JON's place to view his work. There were other people in both dream locations. The scenes were filled with wandering groups of people. Some were admiring the artworks, some were merely talking with each other. In both places there was plenty of food and drink and people were helping themselves to both. There was a light, festive mood in both places.

The dreams were much more elaborate than I've portrayed them here. I just don't recall any of the details.
*************************************
Have had an interesting day so far. Awoke with some shaking/trembling going on. Took some medication and went back to sleep for a bit. Awoke later feeling energetic. Went to the chiropractor and got more energetic. Ate breakfast and got even more energetic. Felt "normal" and healthy as I went about my visits and foraging. Came back to my room and felt compelled to be active so I sorted my debris piles, threw away the junk items, and organized the rest. Haven't had a lot of shaking/trembling this morning and into the afternoon. About time for my next dose, but not experiencing that much involuntary shaking.

Also feeling a little like I want to take a short nap as a break from the activity so far.

Had dinner with RB last night. He's looking healthy. His final court battle, hopefully, happens next week. We talked about his healing process and how he's starting to "forget" the way he felt when he was healing and clearing after his surgery and recuperation period. How he felt he wanted to not do that, not forget, but always be in remembrance--in the state of grace (my words) that he once experienced.

We had sushi for dinner. It was an Isaka-feast, but I couldn't eat a lot. Also, dense protein is not recommended with the medication I'm taking, but it didn't seem to have any odd effects. Protein absorbs the medication keeping it from getting to the brain. Anyway, it's another data point.

Aside from wanting to take a short nap, I'm feeling as good as I felt in weeks. Brightness and lightness. Will most likely go to dance class tonight. Dancing in the light! Tonight! Alright!

6046

Mixed dreams last night. Something to do with classrooms and schools. I think I was a teacher in the dream and was trying to give kids some information in a way that they could understand what I was presenting. Another teacher gave me a copy of her class notes. She had annotated the margins with tidbits of information that she thought the kids might like to hear. The dream was jumbled and confused, parts of it playing through and making no sense at all. Lost some of the detail in awakening.
*************************************
Saw GH today. Good session. She gave me the number of a medical intuitive so I could get a "2nd" opinion. There are some seeming contradictions with my symptoms, effects of medication, and what happens during the day. Symptoms seem to be exacerbated by skipping a meal or eating, but not eating a lot. Came away from GH today shaking (I was shaking during the entire session, except when I focused on the tremor and made it diminish) and went and had a sandwich (big one) and shaking subsided. Hmmm...

Perhaps should do some research on tremors and blood sugar levels--or some such connection. I can't reconcile my symptom patterns with the medication I'm taking and what happens when I eat. Feed the fear and it goes away? Perhaps. Will continue to monitor the interactions.

Spent some of the day looking into other places to live... not many impressive places at low rents... Except for no kitchen, my current place is quite nice compared to a few places I saw today. Will continue to look, but the rental gods have their work cut out for them in this area.

Meeting RB tonight for dinner. He's in town this week, but not next when we'll have our regular team meet. Been awhile since we've seen him.

Managed to do a lengthy meditation this morning after my Qigong session. M&M! Medication and Meditation. Perhaps, the combination will help me reach Nearvana (a variation of a license plate I saw this afternoon). I think I've always been in that state--near but not far.

Will continue to see what unfolds--Ojala que si!

6047

Dreams were lost last night. Disappeared into the dream haze.

Had an up and down day (so what's new?). Felt anxious this morning and carried some of that anxiety with me to Spanish class. Some of the anxiousness seeped away as the class progressed, but not entirely. When class was over, I went and got some food right away. That helped pull down some of the remaining tension. Then I took some medication (first time I did so right after eating) and took a short nap.

Ended up staying home tonight and not going to dance class. Sitting in the stillness (this place is really quiet as soon as it's dark outside) felt like the thing to do. Spent some time reading up more on PD and the medication. Wanted to know when I could expect results from the drugs. Turns out, it can be 1-to-5 months assuming that I even respond to them.

Read some scary information about Long Term Care Insurance, which I won't be eligible to get once I've been diagnosed.

Did Qigong session this morning before heading off to class. Will do some more tonight. Kept returning to the thought of getting my living space in order and being able to sit still for extended periods of time. Dancing in the stillness. Accepting what is, learning who I am, and becoming still.

Well, time to close this device and let the night times roll. Ojala que si!