5684

Happy Halloween! Will be interesting to see if trick/treaters show up in great numbers. Expecting a few. Have a small bag of candy just in case.

Slow day! The time shift on the clocks has thrown my system off track. Also, yesterday's lymph system work seems to have affected me--I feel slow and heavy. Toxin release? Perhaps.

Had a not so good of a day. Within the past hour finally started to bubble up a bit. Asked for intercession (St. Dymphna) and got some respite. Fell asleep in my sling chair earlier today. That too helped with a relaxation of tremor and some peace of mind. Having both physical problems as well as mental/emotional/spiritual today. Feel like I've lost traction in some way. Or, I did feel that way--now feeling somewhat at ease.

To add to the turmoil, my AOL application continues to lose connection consistently. I reinstalled everything, but it didn't fix the problem. I haven't worked up the energy to contact their technical support yet. But may have to do so. I've been working around the problems, but it's starting to get annoying.

Rebecca used a far-infrared lamp on me yesterday. Deep penetrating heat that was so nice. I'm looking at ordering one like she has with a dual set of lamps. Yesterday, under the lamp, my tremor totally stopped. I could use a shot of that everyday. The lamps were invented in China for use in medical situations. A lamp that doesn't send out any light--just heat.

I weighed myself yesterday. I hadn't lost any more weight. Holding steady at 155 lbs. Could use another 10 lbs. of muscle weight (not fat weight). Going to do another saliva test panel to see how things have shifted from all that I've done so far. Will do that next week.

I hear goblins on the decks! Boo! Boo, who? Don't start crying!

5685

Welcome Abigail Rose--my new granddaughter! She was born on Sunday, 10/29. She's a doll!

I went to SC today to work with Rebecca and I'm tired. So will only post this brief note tonight with more in the morrow.

Had a moment of excitement coming home. Car in lane next to me kicked up some debris. It sailed right over my hood and narrowly missed smacking the windshield. Not sure what it was, but it made a loud crunch when it was hit by the other car and was shedding pieces as it flew over my vehicle. Nothing harmed, but it could have been something nasty. I was late starting back and it had turned dark so we were driving with lights on.

Halloween tomorrow! Boo!

5686

Blogger has been having problems. Seemed to be repaired now. Shift to PDT today. Making for a long day. Body knows it's really almost 7pm, not 6pm as it says on the clocks.

Got up at 8am (really 9am) and did rituals, walk, etc. Then just went out so I could get some sun and mix with people. Went to the Farmer's Market in MV. Surprise! They've moved the location--just down the street, but it was disorienting. I followed the crowds and managed to locate the market. Lots of people there, or so it seemed.

Ran into MO as I was leaving. She stopped and we had a tea(me)/coffee(her) and talked for a while. We talked about healing and healers, and as always, she had some helpful suggestions. She had gone to the Caroline Cory presentation on Friday night and the Sunday workshop. She had good things to say about Cory and what she does. Makes me think of a fish analogy. The bait was out there (notices, write-ups, etc.), the fish were swimming about, and some were enticed in and enjoyed the process. Some, like myself, swam close, but didn't commit. (Muddy, but it gives the idea.)

After leaving MO, I went and grabbed a bite to eat. I returned home and had to rest/nap a bit. The time with MO was somewhat intense for me. She remarked how she could see fear in my face, my persona. True, true! Carrying lots of fear. That's what was uncovered in this process so far--exposed for all to see. That's where I've work to do!

MO suggested that I work with Rebecca on some of the issues that are holding me in place. Good idea! She noted that since I'm so sensitized right now that it would be a perfect opportunity to work with R and the issues.

Got some good news! My daughter was having a medical problem that might have needed surgical treatment, but the doctors said no. She also discovered that she has enough credits for an AA degree! Good for her! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Blogger is beginning to flicker--all for now. Off to SC in the morrow to work with R.
*************************************
Just remembered that I dreamed last night. It involved being in a park-like setting that was on a campus. There were trails, bike paths, and limited vehicle roads. I was with RM and some other people. He and I walked along a path that led us past some housing where scholars were living. I recall walking past one place where a man sat at his desk glaring fiercely out the window. We continued along that path and came to a bluff that overlooked a river. Something happened that involved us and the river, but I don't know now what it was all about. Perhaps rescuing some children who had gotten caught in the stream, but not certain now of that.

5687

Change the clocks! Time rolls back tonight. Almost didn't realize that there was a time shift tonight/tomorrow.

Quiet day! Got up late. Ended up sleeping this afternoon. Got up and about this morning, but had to rest/sleep this afternoon.

Finished the Afterwards book. End sections got a bit dense and the resolution was a bit disappointing, but not unexpected. He was telegraphing throughout the entire book how difficult it was for him to just let things be--he was questioning all the way to the end. But the book motivated me to look into doing some work with a healer, in addition to the treatments I'm getting. I'm rolling over into a lot of psychological/spiritual issues and could use some perspective, advice, counseling, insight, and assistance. I've about done all I can do on my own. Time for some support and wisdom.

Anyway, that's where I am with my extra hour tonight. Seeking the Source so I can have a dialog with that entity--a dialog that will lift me out of the tracks I've been cutting in the turf--put me on a hovercraft and let me sail away.

Got a lovely call from LL today. She's moving and was going through some old photos. She called with a touching message regarding old times. Was nice to hear from her. May her move go well and may she have a wonderful birthday on All Souls Day (11/1). She sent me a delightful Halloween e-card. Light and love to all!

Oh, yes! Dreamed last night of being in a big meeting. It was a techno-company with quite a few techno-types at the meeting. We were hashing out some secondary issues regarding packaging. The techno-types were bored and kept making jokes about what we were doing. We finally got everything done and the meeting broke up with the techno-types making it clear they were glad it was over. I was in the meeting partly as a scribe as well as a contributor. At the end I was thinking about how to do the next meeting better, with less feelings of people wasting their time. I was in a Buddha-mode in the meeting and afterwards.

5688

Dreamed last night about being in an HR office. I was there along with a lot of other people who were being laid off. I knew several of the people because I had hired them. I nodded at a couple of them and they nodded back. No one was talking much. It was not a happy mood in the place, although I seemed to be at peace with what was happening.

The dream morphed into some other dream sequences that I now don't recall.

I arose late this morning. The coolness is making me want to stay wrapped up and warm. I had hot oatmeal for breakfast instead of a smoothie. Had the smoothie later on.

I keep feeling like I want to go somewhere, but have no place to be, no place I want to be. I reserved a copy of Dale Peterson's biography of Jane Goodall. I'm first in line for a copy when it gets into the library system. I checked Dale's listings on Amazon. He shows more than nine titles there--not exactly sure how many--quite a few. He's been busy.

He has one title, Storyville, USA--a travel with Charley kind of book with him and his two kids. They went from Louisiana to Alaska via all manner of small towns with odd names. It was really done to give his wife a break so she could finish a book she was writing. Turned out to be the source of a really good travel story.

Will add more later. Just wanted to register my dream while it was on my mind.
*************************************
Hazy day from my mental/emotional viewpoint. I'm feeling on-again, off-again about where I am with everything. I think I've made progress, but I find that I'm also thinking that I've not done much at all. It's like I'm riding a roller coaster and I'm up, down and all around. I'm tired of the repetitious states of being, but can't seem to affect the cycles or alter the patterns.

Doesn't help that the whole world (except for me a few others like me) is looking forward to the weekend. For me, it's just another set of days with seemingly predictable activities and rituals.

L is heading up to Sonoma for a weekend of R&R. I just joined her for dinner (I had a milkshake) at the new burger place on California Ave. You can get a burger-in-a-bowl there. That's new!

So will it be another early to bed and late to rise day tomorrow? Or will the winds shift the course of things and let variations play? Who knows until the day breaks or does whatever it does to make its appearance. So be it!

5689

Still reading the Afterwards book. It got a bit dense toward the end. Lots of insights for me regarding faith, healing, and the roles of the healer and the person who is healing.

Blogger is still going in and out today/tonight. Will keep this short.

Had a fairly good day. Napped briefly in the late afternoon, but felt pretty good overall. Extended my walk again today (to go by the donut shop, of course). Went out for lunch (salmon teriyaki bowl with brown rice). Hung out in the sun some.

Went by bookstore and saw that there's a new biography of Jane Goodall. It's written by a guy who lived here in Palo Alto when he went to Stanford. He, Bob Albrecht, and I co-authored a book. Small world! He's worked with her for the past 20 years, as her official scribe. His name is Dale Peterson. He's published quite a few books over that time span. He shows 9 titles at the library--most are with or about Goodall.

Reading his biography on the dust cover triggered a lot of emotions for me. I couldn't help but start to think about what I've done over the years and how it adds up. Bummed me out as I made the comparisons. As the Buddha says, "Comparison is death!" I experienced a little death this afternoon.

I went back to reading Afterwards and fell right into a section that talks about visualizations and healing. Helped lift me from my funk.

I mentioned yesterday the rash of aches and pains I'm experiencing. I think my body is starting to "wake up" from these months of tension and stress. I'm just starting to feel my body again and it's got kinks from so much turmoil. Going with the flow!

Had dreams last night about houses on and near the water. And, something about SGHL (silent golden healing light). Been mulling that today.

5690

And another day without sleep, but a bit of rest. Getting all manner of kinks and such. Kink on right side under ribs is smoothing out some. Pain in left hand a bit better today. Rebecca worked on both of those areas on Monday. Have a new kink in my right knee and a slight pain (think it's indigestion) in my chest area. Other than that I'm creaking along. Some of all these things may be related to the lymph work done on Monday--toxin release and clearing.

Also getting empathetic/sympathetic vibes from the Afterwards, You're a Genius book. It's all about the healer and client relationship, and what the client can do to assist/facilitate the healing work. It points out a lot of what the client can do to help push the process along and derive meaning from the interactions. Makes me think really differently about what I'm doing as part of the "team" that's working on me.

The author sought out and explored different healers, ostensibly to help him write a book (actually a story) about healers and what they do. Along the way, he started to discover things he couldn't explain away and began to search more deeply. I'm not yet at the end of the book so I don't know what his final take is going to be. But, I'll finish up either tonight or in the morrow. Right now, he's clipping along with a lot of insight from working with one healer for over a year.

The book is fascinating since it deals with actual healers some of whom are still practicing today. His description of work with one healer makes me want to look her up and have her do a diagnostic/tuning on me. His work with another prompts the same response. I see some of what he describes already happening with members of the PDTeam that I'm seeing. I now want more of what's been happening.

Meanwhile, back at ennui factory my moments of excitement are moderated by lots of dullness. Today was not that bad, actually. It was more active than many previous days. I extended my walk an extra bit this morning--I ended up walking my loop plus a side loop to the donut shop.

I went grocery shopping and chased down some sources for more arabinogalactans (supplement). I read a lot of the Afterwards book. I tried some exercises based on what was talked about in the book. I ate (went for a sandwich that I had been craving), rested, and went online to see what was happening in the world. I sat and thought about things--a lot!

So enough for today! Blogger's having connection problems. Hope this post gets published!

5691

Quiet day! Perhaps the lymph treatment yesterday contributed to my state of being today. I just felt quiet. Read a lot. Didn't nap today.

I've been reading a book, Afterwards, You're a Genius! It's a book about faith, medicine and the metaphysics of healing. Quite a book. I'm about half way through and so far it's traced out the histories of the development of medicine and healing--how they developed around each other.

It's written by a journalist who became interested in healing after he was exposed to it while doing stories. He summarized some research done with mice where the mice who were "treated" by a healer had their wounds repair quicker than a control group (actually several control groups). Really interesting stuff!

There's a lot in the book, so far, that is specifically relevant to my treatments and states of being. I'm glad I randomly picked this book off of the library shelf. I feel it's the right book at the right time.

Early to bed tonight. Feeling a bit tired since I didn't nap...or rest! Had several detailed dreams last night, but I don't recall any specifics. I think they were about work--one about being on a management team and another about developing toys. Go figure! Historical dreams!

5692

Had a treatment with Rebecca today. She worked with the lymph system since she had just completed a workshop on the procedure. Seemed to go well. I felt really clear at the end of the treatment--sort of "awake" and alert.

The procedure is supposed to have lasting effects for 2-3 days. Will see what happens. I got somewhat tired after getting home, which can happen since working with the lymph system can release a lot of toxins.

Her reading of my progress is that I'm well ahead of where most people are given the amount of time I've been in the process. She feels that I'm much further along than many clients who are/were at the same stage that I am at. I don't have her perspective so it just feels like it's taking forever, to me. It's all relative. I guess there are others who feel, to them, that it's taking them forever, and that might be happening in their situations.

So I take heart in hearing her assessment and hope my "forever" is shorter than what it seems like.

I've gained back about 8 pounds--I'm currently at 155! That's encouraging news. I don't know how much of it is muscle, but it's still good to know that I've stopped shrinking.

Anyway, it was a good day despite the tule fog that blanketed everything this morning. When I first looked out, I thought my vision was screwed up. Took a moment to see that it was fog all the way to the ground.

I was musing last night, I believe, about the 8 months I've been in this apartment and what I've been doing. I've spent nearly 6,000 hours doing my rituals and so forth over the past 8 months. It's been 24 hours a day since sleeping, eating, and such all were included in the process. I've walked nearly 300 miles during this period of time. I've eaten perhaps 500 pounds of food. I've slept a lot. I've done my Qigong exercises nearly 300 times. I've meditated, read numerous books (thousands of pages), and logged a fair amount of time on the web.

Lots of statistics! And I still feel like it's been forever when it's only been 8 months. Of course, there were the periods of time BA (before apartment)--a total of over 2 years dealing with everything. Still not forever, but starting to get there (for me). May a full recovery come soon. May that be my reality!

5693-5694

Missed posting last night. Fell asleep early. Simply conked out and fell into the dreamworld. Hadn't rested a lot or slept any yesterday. Seemed to catch up with me last night and I went out like a light. Felt good to get a few extra hours of z-time.

Fairly quiet around here this morning. Did my morning rituals and went for a walk. Peaceful in the neighborhood today. Feeling like I want to keep moving for some reason. Keep on being in motion.

Got a confirm on a treatment session tomorrow. Will be with Rebecca. Will be good to see her again. It's been quite a few weeks since we touched base. A lot to catch up on regarding diet and state of being.

Reading a book on faith, belief and healing. It's a sort of kooky take on alternative medicine (I believe) as written from the viewpoint of someone who stumbles into the area almost by accident. Lots of well-researched details and allusions to historical figures. I think it's going to be worth read, even though the initial sections get a bit detailed. Will report back as I read more. Title is "Afterwards, You're a Genius!"

Also still churning through some short story collections. Read a story two nights ago that is still with me. Story involved a man and woman and issues of control and abuse. For some reason, the story slipped into my psyche and is still reverberating there.

Also a story about ghost clowns and a young boy who was the only one who could see them. It too sticks with me for some reason.

I've got a number of aches and pains that have floated to the surface recently. No rest; no respite. Things just keep on churning. For each progress there seems to be a counter action. It's like the silly putty--push on one part and another part distends. No happy medium! Or perhaps that is the happy medium--one part always pushed into conscious awareness--brought to my attention.

Well, enough for now. I'll come back and add anything of significance as the day unfolds.
*************************************
Nothing of huge import has taken place. I took a nap and then ran a few errands. I'm feeling the weight of waiting--waiting for Godot. But, no breakthroughs, no shifts or changes. I continue to wonder where all of this is going, what is it leading to when all is done? Mystery, mystery upon mystery.

Treatment tomorrow. That'll be some new input. Will see what emerges!

5695

I've spent nearly 6,000 hours in my recovery process. 6,000 hours! That's 24 hours a day times 30 days times 8 months! And the beat goes on!

Today was another mixed media day. I felt good when I awoke. It was not so cool this morning which helped things along. But, by midday I was starting to go horizontal, needing to rest and sleep. In the afternoon, temperatures got warm. It's still muggy and warm now.

I kept feeling restless today, restless and foggy. The beat goes on!

I was somewhat hungry all day. Kept nibbling and finally went out for dinner and dessert. Feel a bit better now, but still restless. Trying to mull through where I am (after 6,000 hours of recovery) and what I can try and do next. Move or don't move? Sign up for classes or not? Begin to do more (exercise, walk, yoga, or ??) or not?

I feel like I'm a gerbil running in an exercise wheel, going round and round but going nowhere. I keep attempting to shift my ways of thinking and my attitudes, but old stuff keeps sneaking back. And it's the old stuff that's holding me in place. Round and round I go!

I can do another 6,000 hours. I'm clear that I can do so, but I'm really ready for something different. I don't know if I can do another 6,000 just like the last 6,000. Muddy and moody, muddled and mundane! Another night and another dream.

I've been dreaming, but they slip away with the light of day. Mostly "reality" dreams--almost too real even though they're wrapped in sleep. Well time to spin another 24 and see what manifests. Let there be a breakthrough! Time for one to appear!

5696

Did my laundry today and that was about it. Kept feeling like I wanted to rest--and eat. So that's about all I did, except for the laundry.

Other than feeling like I just wanted to rest today, I'm about the same as I've been--nothing major to report--no big breakthroughs. Have a session scheduled for next Monday--so I'm in my somewhat regular, every-two-week funk. I seem to be able to maintain the energy for the week following a session, and then start to decline during the second week. Usually get a small bubble of positive energy during the weekend prior to the next session.

Patterns with patterns; wheels within wheels. Beginning to think about next steps under (at least) two scenarios--if I'm better and if I stay the same. I obviously would prefer the first state, but it may not happen. Oh, for a crystal ball! Difficult to make plans with so much uncertainty.

Anyway, I continue for now and keep watch for promising shifts and changes. Let there be light! Light beer, perhaps?

5697

Made a trip over to HMB this morning. Did my walk on the beach. Was a gorgeous day! Bright and clear! Almost empty beach.

Walked down the beach until I came to a large log. Sat for a while and got quite tired. Felt like I could have dropped down and slept. Walked back to the truck and almost felt like just heading back. Went into town instead and grabbed a sandwich. Felt better after I'd eaten it. Walked around town some and then motored back. Would be nice to live near the beach.

When I returned, I was a bit spent. Rested and read for a while. Ate some fruit and cottage cheese. It had gotten quite warm as the day went into the late afternoon. Got a call from L and we met at Printer's Inc. I had a lemonade, which hit the spot. We spent a couple of hours talking, went to the Country Sun to pick up a few items, and then walked back to our vehicles.

I drifted in and out during the two hours. I watched myself move through a variety of states of being. I'm really quite ungrounded. I'm like a piece of driftwood floating in the tidal currents. Sometimes I'm near the shore. Other times I'm caught by the waves and pulled away from the beach. I have no fixed positions anymore. It is all flux and movement; shift and change.

Meeting with my daughter in the morrow. Hope she's feeling better! May it be so!

5698

Got up early today--earlier than normal. Got up after the rushing herd of neighbor's deplaned around 7am this morning. Was supposed to meet with my daughter today, but something came up and we had to postpone.

I did my walk earlier today and it felt good to be moving. I'm feeling like I want to be doing something physical, but I don't know exactly what. So, I'll go shopping, which I need to do anyway.

It was fairly cool this morning and my symptoms have been very present. It helped to walk and get some sun and warmth, but I'm still not really warm enough. I'm bundled up and that helps. I'm not sure what I'll have to do as winter comes along.

Karma! Everyone has something to work out in this life. That's why we are here. Would be helpful to have a guidebook--Karma for Dummies--or such. Enough for now--more later.
*************************************
Went shopping, came back and rested, and then went out to grab a bite of dinner. I'm warmer and symptoms are better now. Talked with my daughter. She's feeling under the weather--has some medical issues that she needs to get checked on. She's gotten her car back, but now needs to get it registered. To do so, she needs a smog certificate, but she has a "check engine" light illuminated and needs that done before getting a smog check. And, she needs insurance. Other than that she's doing fine--NOT!

Wish I had a magic wand and could wave it and set things right for her (and all my kids). But, can only pray and hope there's a magic wand in that. I also wish that I was more able to do more to assist them. I hope that day is on its way! I can only pray for it to happen.

Didn't sleep today despite early awakening. I am getting stronger. Midafternoon, I started feeling jangled, but rested some and it passed--along with getting a hot meal. About time to go horizontal though. May the magic wands be found, soon!

5699

My daughter-in-law, who is about 7.5 months pregnant, had her water break last week. She's in the hospital, under observation, with the likelihood of the baby coming before term being high. She was due December 4, but will probably deliver before then. Keeping them (the whole family) in my daily prayers.

Been thinking a lot about karma and what it means in this life. It's an opportunity to reverse things that were poorly managed in previous lives and put them right this time around. It's also a chance to see what effects past lives can have here and now--what is produced out of "bad" karma and what it created so far--until things are brought to consciousness.

I can see that where I am now, what I am now, what I have done in this life all has its roots in what I failed to do previously--and I can see clearly how it's played out and continues to unfold. Nothing is by accident! May I get the strength to begin to unravel some of those karmic threads this time around. If not, there will be other chances, but I need to do what I can do--as much as possible. I see it clearly! Now, action is required.

Almost finished reading Autobiography of a Yogi. Wonder what my life would have been like had I read it in my youth. Perhaps no different; perhaps not. It's affecting me now--now that I can take in what is being said. Jai guru, jai guru, jai guru, jai! I walked in those same Himalayas and stood in those same places. But, I was unawake then. What am I now?

Saints and sages of all religions--protect and guard my daughter-in-law and her baby in the weeks ahead. May they both be safe and healthy! So be it!

5700

Another "sleepless" day. Rested, but have not slept today (yet). Didn't make my walk today, though. Was an overcast, gray day that was fairly cool. The coolness bothered me; activated my symptoms more than normal. Wrapped myself in my shawl, which seems to make things more comfortable.

Sort of bumbled about all day. Read some, but mostly bumbled around. At one point, I went to Whole Foods to see if they had some goat milk butter. Turned out the did have some in stock, but it was "bitter butter." Unknowingly, I bought the bitter butter, but had to return it because it was moldy. Stuff is expensive, so I felt obliged to return it and either get a refund or an exchange. I finally swapped it out for another brand that had a better expiration date. So that's my buying bitter butter story for today.

Was thinking about making another trip to the beach (HMB) tomorrow, but I think it's going to be too cool. Perhaps later in the week.

This past week seemed to go by quickly. I was up and down quite a bit over the past seven days--in lots of different states of being. But overall, trending upward--doing better--experiencing well being in sputtery bursts and bubbles. May the trend continue! May all of the saints and sages intercede and help me recovery my strength and wellness. So be it!

Earthquake in Hawaii! Perhaps a little warning from Mother Earth to N. Korea about nuclear testing.

5701

Another day without a nap. Got tired in the afternoon, but only rested and didn't sleep. Walked today on my regular route. Digestion still holding steady.

Cooled down some tonight. Just had a blueberry tea--really tasty! Helping daughter with some technical things dealing with her homework. So short post tonight! More in the morrow--or the next life--whichever come first.

5702

Murakami returns! His newest book, Hidden Willow/Sleeping Woman, has been published. It's a collection of 24 stories, which is quite a number to publish in a single volume. The library has four copies in circulation. I'm on the waiting list--#13 on the list on Friday the 13th.

Feeling good again today. Didn't go for any jaunts to anywhere, but felt good walking this morning. Continue to read quite a lot. Autobiography of a Yogi is full of little lessons and such that relate to my ventures these days. Makes me recall the trip R and I made to India. I wasn't ready to surrender then and he was, and ultimately did. Despite all of his worries and tribulations, he found his teacher--found his way home.

I'm beginning to find my way as well. Just took me longer and required stopping the world to make it happen, but I'm getting glimmers of insight, promises of recovery.

Did sleep some this afternoon. Felt the need to rest and slept nicely for a bit. Still reverberating from the trip over to the beach yesterday. Can recall how clear the air was there, and the stillness despite the ocean's roars. Looking forward to my next visit. Looking into what it might be like to live there. I've lived over that way before. It was wonderful when I lived there and didn't have to commute. Perhaps that may be once again.

Dreams and visions! Health and well being! May they all be true!

5703

Had a sleepless day today... getting a bit tired now, but had a fairly clear day... Drove over to HMB and did my walk on the beach... hardly anyone there... That'll change this weekend--the pumpkin festival takes place on Sat/Sun...

A lot of trucks going over and back--big double-bin debris trucks... hauling stuff from the Devil's Slide area I guess... made traffic a bit heavy/slow, but not too bad... There was a couple on the beach with two dogs... The ranger stopped them and didn't give them a ticket--just a warning... They were lucky--could have been an expensive walk on the beach...

It was a beautiful day over there... was a short trip versus going over to SC--not as stressful as Highway 17... Was good to get the ocean air, watch the waves, and see the clusters of birds everywhere.

After doing Qigong this morning (and eating and shaving), the sky looked so blue that I felt compelled to go to the ocean--walk the beach. Stopped in town on way back for a bite of food before hauling myself back over the hill. Glad I did it. It's the first trip over there in months. Was healing to be there. Will try and go over again, soon.

Came back and rested/read, but didn't sleep. I'm getting somewhat drowsy now. Will early to bed myself tonight. Would be nice to be near the ocean. Oh, yes! It was quiet over there! The winds made some sounds, but overall it was quiet--much quieter than Palo Alto and places nearby. Drink in the silence! Drink in the peace!

5704

Another relatively "clear" day. Symptoms in the background. Still ended up sleeping some but day was fairly quiet overall. Made it to the library to turn in the Severance book, Persuasion Nation (ok set of stories, but a bit too obviously quirky), and a set of stories with a background mostly in Africa. Still finishing up the Fiction Factory and picked up two more collections, plus Autobiography of a Yogi. I've read pieces of the last book, but am reading it through from start to finish now.

Got up later than usual today. Didn't hear the neighbors leaving around 7am--perhaps they left quietly today--for a change. It was garbage collection day though so the big, loud refuse trucks started their rounds and helped me awaken.

Don't know why, but when I went to the library traffic was dense. It was about 11:30am, but don't know what the crush was all about. I stopped for a burrito at Como Esta. It was delicious--carnitas, rice, black beans and pico de gallo! Yum! Will see what my digestive track does with that combination. It's been months since I've had one of their food items. Should be fine now that my digestive process is back on track.

There's a Wednesday night stillness about this place tonight. A stillness and a muggy feeling in the air. I feel like going horizontal early tonight as I dive into my new reading materials. Thursday already! Week went quickly! Time ticks away!

5705

Quiet day (internally--externally it was a noisy day). Symptoms were light today and I felt fairly "clear" at times. I did get sleepy and napped for a while. I was feeling antsy for part of the day--those surges of energies that don't go anywhere--that just make me feel like I'd rather be doing something, but don't know exactly what.

I read some today. I've picked up a strange collection of stories--three of them in fact. One set called Persuasion Nation is simply an oddball collection of strangely-told tales, some of which are simply not interesting, partly because they are so strange.

Another, Severance, deals with the final thoughts (impressions, musings, rhapsodies, or ??) of people who have been beheaded (severed). The author's premise is based on two unrelated pieces of data--how long a head remains "alive" after severance (1.5 minutes) and how many words per minute a person can speak (160)--which gives each person 240 words to express themselves.

The third collection is SciFi/Fantasy called the Fiction Factory. It's a compilation of stories where the authors collaborated with good results (they pushed boundaries, bent rules, made sales to new markets, etc.). There is a pre-ramble for each story that talks about how they collaborated and how some of the story elements evolved. The first few stories were fun to read, but they're starting to drag the more I read.

With all of this, it looks like a trip to the library is on the agenda in the morrow.

Last night, I managed to crunch up a fender on my truck as I backed out of the parking space. A neighbor had parked a vehicle so that it shadowed the way I had to back out. I thought I could just back all the way across the court into an empty stall. I misjudged where a support was sitting and munched it into my fender. For some reason, it didn't register with me that I had bumped into the pole and I pulled out, changed my angle, and did it again. Clever thinking on my part! Anyway, I now have something more than cosmetic damage to my vehicle.

So, I've been experiencing some feelings today--over the munched fender, the various noisy workers and others around today, about the content of my session yesterday (that it's all in my mind--my way of holding (onto) what I'm dealing with), and various other issues.

So a lot churning; a lot being processed--and stuck with some strange reading materials. Such is the day and part of this night!

5706

Had a treatment today. Spent a lot of time on issues dealing with how I'm "coping" with things--or how I'm not as the case may be. I've been rattling on recently about the box I'm in and can't seem to get out of.

Janice pointed out some common issues that people with this illness seem to manifest. One in particular is denial of feelings. I realized over a month ago that I've not had any strong emotional reactions to everything I've been dealing with. I've put myself into observer mode and kept the emotions in check. I've allowed the rituals to take over and distanced myself from any feelings about what's happened and continues to happen. I knew that something was amiss, but I've been carefully avoiding and denying.

Waiting to be dead! That's what it's been like. Not living, not expressing, not engaging, but falling back on ritual and repetition, and becoming more and more less alive.

Janice basically said that all of my symptoms are being fostered by my thoughts, by the way I'm hanging on to them and not letting in what's taken place. She said the issue is no longer physical, but mental--and in particular revolves around my inability (unwillingness) to experience joy. Hmmmm! It's what I flashed on during the past month--I don't know how to be joyful. I have a host of negative habits and patterns that I fall back to instead of just experiencing and expressing joyousness.

We spent part of the session working on ways to defuse those old habits and shift back into a feeling state of being. So be it! So let it be! So let me be!

5707

Long, slow day! Couldn't get mobilized for anything substantial. Slept, read, rested, dozed, ate, eliminated, drowsed, walked, exercised. Finally made it out to get a sandwich and an ice cream, but came back and napped.

Have a treatment session tomorrow. Looking forward to it. Seems like a long time since the last session, but it's only been two weeks, like normal.

Digestion continues to be smooth and stable. It's like I'm stuck on the gerbil wheel. I'm spinning and whirling, but it's the same-old, same-old. Repetition repeats. No breakthroughs to report.

St. Dymphna is being asked to intercede. May it happen soon! Time lumbers on!

5708

Was cool in the morning, but warmed up and now it's muggy. Nothing much of substance took place today. Errands, eating, sleeping and resting, picked up some new books, and waiting for Godot.

Picked up some Gotein and Perfect Food, some supplements mentioned in the Digestive Health book. Gotein--goat's milk protein powder. Perfect Food--a whole food supplement similar to what I'm taking with Green Vibrance. Both for use in daily smoothies when out run out of current items. Will see if they make a difference.

Looking forward to reading. About the only thing I do that seems somewhat productive. Today was ok--symptoms were moderate--warm weather helped. Just want to get to the place where I can do something more than ESER (eat, sleep, eliminate and read). I'd be willing to be doing almost anything versus the cycles I'm locked into now.

Asking St. Dymphna, the patron saint of neurological disorders for her intercession. She's Irish but was martyred while quite young in Gheel, Belgium. The town of Gheel lets people with mental disorders live and work there. Their system of integrating "crazy people" in with the community has been happening for centuries and is known as the Gheel System.

I didn't know that there was a patron saint of neurological disorders, but it's amazing what can be found on the web. May I be blessed by her blessings! May her blessings fall on all with troubled minds!

5709

Some rain today, but sun broke through and stayed out for most of the day. Managed to get my walk in while it was still sunny.

Slept in the early afternoon and rested some while I read in the later afternoon.

I'm feeling frustrated. I'm back to doing my daily do--eat, sleep, eliminate and read--but nothing more, nothing beyond those same-olds. Plus it's turning cooler and that only makes me want to curl up, stay warm and sleep. I'm noticing that I can just make it through each day with the limited set of things I do. Going beyond those actions seems impossible or never going to happen. (I know that it's the end of my two week cycle between treatments and that I often get bleak right before the next session, but I'm beginning to wonder what I'll be doing 6 months from now and beyond.)

I have to keep looking at what I'm doing (and not doing) and wondering if this is it! If this is what I'm going to be capable of doing as time marches on. I've overcome some issues, but I'm still weak, slow moving, and badgered my annoying symptoms. I get minor breakthroughs, but nothing seems to build or accumulate.

Anyway, I'm not exactly a happy camper at this juncture. I keep expecting a breakthrough, but don't know what I need to be doing to make one happen. I just know that plodding forward is getting old, jaded and tiresome.

My digestion continues to be holding steady. In fact, I cut back on the amount of aloe vera and AG that I'm taking. It felt like it was the right thing to do and so far so good. Time for some "hummee hum, brahm, hum" and a bit more reading. (Slept erratically past night--kept waking up and had trouble getting back to sleep. Don't know what that was about.)

May my dreams help me understand what I am to do!

5710

Was a rainy day, but nice for a change. Made it out this morning in between raindrops and did my laundry. Rest of the day spiraled away.

Cooked some brown rice and ate it with some chicken stew. A hearty meal for a cool and rainy day. Slept a while in the late afternoon and went for a walk as it was getting dark. Was feeling restless/energized and needed to get out for a walk (or something).

Rest/sleep felt good. Right before going horizontal I was feeling pensive. After sleeping, eating a bite, I felt calmer. Walk was really nice--clouds were a vibrant pink color from the setting sun. The moon was rising when I returned.

Read today that scientists have actually teleported information/matter. It all involves quantum physics and was over a distance of about 1 meter, but they did it. Long way from "beaming" as on Star Trek, but a step in that direction.

My friend, P, will be 80 this weekend! Happy 80th, P! She'll be feted by her extensive family some of whom have flown in from all over the world.

With that festive image dancing in my head, I'm off--to another tomorrow or another next life--whichever comes first!

5711

Rainy day! First day of rain in some while. My daughter's birthday today. Will phone her in a bit with birthday wishes.

Didn't sleep today, but did rest for a while. Made it to the barber (hair person--Mali) and shopping, plus morning rituals. Rains will affect my walks to some degree. Coolness is already noticeable.

Bumped into J, the restorative yoga teacher, today. Reminded me that I need to figure out how to get back to doing some form of gentle yoga. Have to do so, especially as the weather turns colder and more wet.

Loud kids arriving so I think I'll close off. Happy rainy days!

5712

Another sleepy day! Had to get horizontal in the early afternoon. Have to go with the flow--do what my body wants. Felt good after resting/sleeping.

Was cool this morning. Had to bundle up to do my morning rituals. Had hot oatmeal instead of a smoothie. Was too cool to do a smoothie earlier today. Had it later after walking, etc.

The Miracle in the Andes book continues to reverb in my thoughts. So many insights produced by that situation and many questions raised in the process.

Started reading a collection of SciFi/Fantasy short stories by Kevin Anderson. He's an incredibly prolific author with over 100 novels to his credit (over 30 best sellers). Coincidentally, he's an avid mountain climber. In the collection, he has two essays dealing with climbing. Those essays dovetailed the description of the trek made by the author of Miracle. More Miracle reverb!

Anderson has climbed all 50 of the 14,000 foot peaks in Colorado. He did it on the class 3/4 routes, but it's still quite an accomplishment. In Miracle, the survivors were stranded at 12,000 feet on a glacier. The route they took out put them up to 17,000 feet! What a feat given that they had no equipment, protection or adequate supplies. Climb on!

5713

Day 4 and the spell was broken--I lay down this afternoon for a rest/nap and slept the day away. Had three days though without a daytime rest/nap. And, the nap today left me feeling really rested. Will continue to follow the flow and see where it's going.

Did finish reading the Miracle in the Andes book yesterday (about 300 pages). It is full of wisdom distilled over a period of time regarding an heroic and tragic event. It speaks to the awesome power of the human spirit and the necessity of having that spirit grounded in a source of higher power. It will be a classic tale of perseverance and bravery in the face of insurmountable obstacles.

After finishing that book with its author's reflections on death and life, the Rigpa site had this daily glimpse--

As a Tibetan saying goes: "Tomorrow or the next life - which comes first, we never know."

So after the vicarious victories mentioned in the book here I am once again looking in my mirror. What is it that I will do? How do I proceed? What is my path out of this wilderness that I'm trekking through? The book brought forth many questions for me to ponder--perhaps some that made me want to sleep! Aye, there's the rub!

5714

Day 3 without a nap/rest during the day! Got a bit tired in the afternoon, but not enough to crash out. Still don't feel like I could do anything beyond what I'm doing, but it is encouraging to not have to sleep the night and days away.

Read today. Picked up "Miracle in the Andes" about the plane crash where a rugby team and relatives were lost for 70+ days. The book is a new one written by the man who "walked" out and brought back help for the survivors. It's a non-stop read like "Into Thin Air" and I'll probably finish it tonight.

Some survivors had to resort to eating flesh from their dead compatriots in order to survive. But the book is much more than that--it's the story of one man's vision of living through it all and doing so--along with the side stories of others who didn't make it. The incident happened over 30 years ago and the book was written with that amount of time passing--with a lot of compassion and a lot of time on the author's part regarding what it meant for him.

So another day of eating, reading and not sleeping/resting on my side of things. I'm curious as to where this is going--what is happening for me as the patterns shift. Digestion remains steady--I'm into the 8th week now and doing well. My grocery bills are increasing as I continue to eat more now with more variety. Thank goodness for that!

Still only eating smaller portions of things--my stomach has shrunk some (although I know it's flexible, can stretch and get bigger again). But am still munching away as my appetite requires--eating whatever seems tasty.