5956

Was up late last night. The energy from yesterday's session and the joy I was feeling led me into a conversation with E regarding his printers and his network. The next thing is that we're in his office trying to understand how to get the printers to work across the network.

Note: This activity would not have been feasible for me to be doing a few days ago. My brain would have felt like it was on fire in just a few minutes into the discussion. Last night, it felt effortless and non-brain burning to do what we were doing. Recovery is happening!

I ended up not sleeping really well because of the energy I was running when I headed for the bed. But, "slept" in some this morning and E and I both got a later start than usual. I headed into the living room, turned up the heater and did my Qigong movements.

Started an interesting conversation with my son, who is a minister. We're discussing prayer, calling upon a higher power, who to pray to and why, and related topics. He is coaching me on what I'm doing and what I might do better or more effectively.

I'm feeling "ready to do something" or a somewhat similar sensation throughout my body. Much different than what I was feeling in the preceding weeks. Will not rush out and run a 10K, but feeling like it is a possibility for me as things unfold.
*************************************
Watched the movie Waking Ned Devine tonight (in earlier posts I listed this movie incorrectly in two different ways--sorry about that--one with a typo and one with an incorrect title word). It's a warm, charming, funny movie about an Irish village that bands together to claim a lottery ticket that belonged to a man who died when He learned he had won. Good chuckles and good story. Plus the richness of the Irish village and coastal areas. Was time well spent.

M was not back tonight so I cooked dinner--rice (of course), steamed veges (of course), and a chicken breast. Simple, but tasty! I overcooked the chicken a bit; it was somewhat dry.

Have session tomorrow with Janice. Looking forward to the session. Lots of things happening, almost moment by moment (is there any other way?). I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that is zooming, slowing, speeding up, turning, twisting, and changing directions constantly--I'm learning to be with that sensation.

Also will see chiropractor tomorrow. Onward and upward! May the day be play!

5957

Dreamed | last night (despite little sleep) | of meeting aliens | and exchanging information.

Lost the dream thread as I tossed and turned. Dream was exceptionally clear in terms of images and interactions, but I don't recall the exact content.

Started 3rd week of treatments today. As noted, didn't sleep well so winked out a few times while on the table. Chris worked with me to embed a holograph of the words Love and Gratitude into the area where he was working. He said energy flow change was noticeable immediately. He then said that I might try "being" the words instead of experiencing the activity--watching the activity.

Easier said than done. Watching/experiencing what is happening is ego-based. Being the experience is a whole other game. One that I need to learn to play though. The results are very different.

He mentioned a client he has that is unable to walk from a back injury. She has a van with a lift and a setup that allows her to transfer into the driver's seat. A motor in the rig failed a few weeks ago and she had to wait 2 weeks for it to be ordered and repaired. Two weeks of not being able to get out and around. My silly problems with driving seem miniscule in comparison.

She sounds like my friend, JVR, who's also wheelchair bound, but drives a rigged out van. JVR, in a conversation before I left PA, spoke with me about his condition. The thing I recall from that encounter was his peacefulness and openness. He was not bitter or angry or weak--he was accepting and at ease--in spite of daily pain and discomfort. He, and it sounded like she, has each reached a place where they have gone beyond their limitations and are leading meaningful lives. Yes, I recently saw the Ray Charles movie. Another example of living large despite a terrible loss of crucial capabilities.

Starting to think about the next steps. Have scheduled 2 more weeks of treatments at the current rate (4 per week). If the team concurs, I'll pull back to 2 treatments per week for another month, and begin looking into where I plan to live longterm and what continued treatment frequency I need to maintain. In the meantime, I need to pull back into the traffic flow of life and seek out other moments of full health like I experienced on Sunday. Seek out those moments and expand them into minutes, hours, days, and months of living well.
*************************************
Chris suggested that I do visualizations of me being healthy. Up to now, that has been somewhat difficult. But now it seems doable, especially with the moment that happened on Sunday and the sense of well being I'm experiencing tonight. After E and I ate dinner (M is up north), I cleaned up the dishes (karma yoga) and did a bit of stretching and twisting. I'm feeling really quiet and still--the tremor is not around as I write this. I feel like I've turned a corner and am on the recovery road at last!

There's some things coming together--the treatments, the emails that I've received and sent, my attitude (becoming more positive), all of the support I've been experiencing, what I'm learning about the way the illness manifests (and subsides--Chris said I may experience a few strange things like muscles softening and feeling weak because they are no longer rigid), my prayers (being said and being answered), and other signposts.

I am grateful, so grateful, that I chose this option. A few weeks ago, I wasn't convinced that I'd made a good choice (or that I had been guided to the right choice), but today, right now, I feel it is the best thing I could have possibly done (or been guided to). Tonight, I sit in joy! Not just exhilaration, but true joy! Thank you Father for your divine healing love!

5958

Drove back over the hill today. Wasn't feeling 100% (so what's new?), but wanted to pick up my mail. It had really stacked up even though I'd switched much of it to e-documents.

But, I made it and had a croissant with egg and veges at Printer's Inc. L joined me there and we got to visit some.

It was strange, disorienting, to go back there. It's somewhat like walking out of one dream state into another, and then returning. I only got lost once where they had rerouted the access from 85 onto 101.

I found myself in "automatic" mode a lot while driving, and had to keep bringing my focus back to the road and the traffic, especially on 17--which is it's own form of difficult roadway. But, doing the drive says that I'm fine for tooling about Santa Cruz to get to treatments.

Came back and took a walk (my 1.5 mile route) and then rested for a bit. Been clearing emails. Got a resounding "YES" from my dragon friend, my spirit brother, regarding me getting back to writing. He's the one who really got me started, so it's fitting to have him cheer me on at this time.

For a single moment today, standing on California Ave in Palo Alto, I had a clear feeling, sensation, of being healthy. It was just for a single instance, but it was a certain knowing. My thought was, "That's what it's like--what it's like for me to be in a state of total health." At that instant, I know it can be done, that I can recover. I just have to let go of a lot of negative baggage, and learn a whole new way of being. And, I've had a moment of it, for sure!

I've been telling myself that when I recover I'll be able to know what is health and what is not for me. I certainly know what the state of being out of health is like now. I much prefer the moment I experienced earlier today.

Meet with Chris tomorrow. M&E may be heading north, which will give me the place to myself for a couple of days. That will be interesting and very instructive!

5959

If you are on the F&F distribution list, the following note was emailed to everyone today... If you're just following the daily blog entries, the following is a somewhat summary of the entries over the past seven days. The individual daily entries may contain more details, and they may not. At this point, it's all lost in spacetime and is happily revolving...
******************************************
During the 2nd week of treatments, we (the team and I) covered a lot of ground and unearthed a host of issues. Last Sunday turned out to be the best day I've had since I've been here. I slept well on Sat night and spent Sunday virtually symptom free--I ate, went for a walk in the sun, went into town, exercised, etc. It was a day that I felt "normal" for a change.

Monday's session was a lot less kinetic than what we did the previous week. Quieter and somehow deeper, or so it seemed. It was with Chris, who gave me two sessions in the previous week. He concentrated on my left leg. Wednesday's treatment was a bit more interactive. It was with Janice, the woman who developed the program.

We spent two hours of her working on my right leg and asking me a flood of questions. The three major questions she asked were--What do I plan to do with my life? Do I have a solid connection to a higher power? Do I want to be a poster person for the illness. I came away somewhat in shock. Because my answers were-- No idea! No solid connection! No way do I want to end up as the poster person!

Thursday, I had the luxury of being alone for most of the day and evening. So I got a chance to ponder those questions and my answers. I also went for a walk, did some workout on the cardio machine, prayed, did some yoga, talked with my body, rested, drove my truck, went into town, and a whole lot more. I made a decision to start driving myself to the treatments, which I did on Friday.

Friday, I left the house around 10:30am and came back around 6pm. A lot of first steps--driving myself to sessions, hanging out between sessions in town, had a sandwich at a deli (first meal away from house since I've been here), also went shopping (bought some trail mix at Trader Joe's), and made it to and through the two sessions.

Morning session involved moving a lot of energy around in my body. Second session involved digging through my jumbled thought forms around the issues of what am I doing with my life and connection to a higher power. On Thursday, I had resolved that I would begin praying for guidance and healing energy. In Friday's 2nd session, I added a request for strength and courage, surrender, and a request for persistence in getting guidance.

As for my life's plan--it comes back to writing, to being a writer and having what I write be of value to others. Much better than, "no idea!" don't you think? Rebecca, the practitioner in the 2nd session on Friday, reminded me of the book "The War of Art" and suggested that I reread it. Laura, in her session, suggested I view the movie "Raising Ned Devine." Both great suggestions. Rebecca also suggested that I begin writing--begin doing the things a writer does--like write.

I have been touched by the team members dedication and level of support and feedback. They are masters of the "moment" and with dealing with what's going on with me right now. Truly skilled and healing humans.

I slept well last night. The tremor is relatively quiet today. My anxiety overlays are going away and letting the symptoms be. I am grateful for the help I've had this week, both directly and remotely. It has made a huge difference in what I've been able to do, hear, and notice. I'm happy to be mobile once again--feels good to not have to impose on others and to move away from the invalid images and associations.

[Added note--notice how the word invalid as a noun means a person who is ill, as an adjective means not valid? Both apply in this situation!]

Spent several hours today with my daughter. First time I've seen her in over a month--seems like it's been longer... Got sad news that my friend P has wrecked her lovely car... Fortunately, she was unhurt as were people in the other vehicle, but I know how much she likes that silver bullet.

Looking forward to a gentle evening and a fulfilling Sunday. Then, it's on to the 3rd week's sessions and more unraveling of the tangled Qi. Blessings and joy to everyone...

5960

Two sessions today | and I drove myself | longest time I've been away from M&E's home | on my own | since I've been here |

Left at 10:30am and returned at 6pm. Had a two hour gap between sessions. Had a sandwich (first food I've eaten away from house) and went to Trader Joe's to pick up some trail mix. It felt really strange to be "back in the world."

The sessions went well and covered a lot of ground. We covered a spectrum of issues including my anxieties, my lack of purpose, my relationship to higher power, my shaking, my tremor, the movement of energy in and around my body, dietary issues, funny movies, the War of Art book, and a hundred other items and subjects. Four hours is a long time to be lying on a table with someone supporting my leg.

Each session is so totally different because it deals with where I am in the moment. So the afternoon session is working with a different me than who I was in the morning. The practitioners are adept "now artists," as they keep coming back to the present and what's happening right then.

I came home relaxed, still and quiet. M&E are out dancing tonight. I will be dancing soon.

I'll post an update for the week tomorrow... Peace and joy to all... And thanx to the universe for the loving kindness...

5961

Had nearly the whole day alone. M&E went up north and will be coming back late tonight. So I had a full day to ponder Janice's tough questions. I still don't have a firm idea of what I want to do with the rest of my life, except not be a poster person for the illness. She also asked me about my relationship to a higher power, and I had had to admit that I don't really have a solid connection. No idea of what I'm doing and no solid connection to the universe. Is it any wonder that I contracted this disease.

So I spent the day practicing and doing. I talked to my body, I prayed, I did yoga, I exercised on the cardio machine, I rested, I nearly slept, I did Qigong, I drove my truck downtown to the bank and around the area a bit, I ate, and a lot more. I plan to drive myself to the rest of my sessions and beyond. It's clear to me that I don't want to end up as a poster person for the disease, so I have to do some digging.

In thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life, the idea of being outdoors is really appealing. L suggested being a gardener. I'm unclear as to what the eventual answers to Janice's questions are going to be, but I feel that I'm starting to look into the right places. The journey of 1,000 miles is barely started, but is has begun and I am hopeful.

Again--miles to go before I sleep...

5962

Dreamed | some dreams | last night | but did not sleep well. Ah, so!

Went to session today with lady who developed the protocol for healing and recovery. Very direct person. Asked me what I planned on doing with my life? Something of value and purpose or becoming a poster person for how the illness works and what it can do?

For her, the illness takes the shape of whatever fears and ideas I may have about it, if I choose to let that happen. Or I can clean up my life and my attitude and get on with living. (This is the short version of what we talked about as she held my foot and leg.)

What she says rings true given my experiences over the past few weeks. My anxieties magnified the symptoms of the illness, much beyond what the illness was actually doing. I've transformed mild symptoms into wild ones by overlaying the anxieties.

Anyway, she asked some tough questions, for which I'm seeking answers. She encouraged me to ask others what they think would be a good life choice for me. I asked L and she came back with the idea of going back to school. A great idea! I could see myself doing that.

Janice, the lady who developed the protocol, cautioned me about not getting to the root issues in my life. How not addressing them will only get me so far in the recovery process, but not all the way. How health alone is not enough of a goal. She warned me that if may require a lot of work, a lot of pressing through. And that it must also involve joy and peace of mind. To that end, she queried me regarding my relationship with a higher power. It, like the rest of my life, has been a floating arrangement on my part.

So I have some deep pondering to do, some important contemplation. And many miles to go before I sleep...

5963

Mostly restful day. Tremor only around when I feel anxious/stressed. Otherwise, quiet and still for the most part. M had her granddaughter here last night and today. Really changes the dynamics of the adults. She's 18 months and into everything.

I felt a bit tired, but otherwise OK. I walked downtown (about 1.5 miles RT) and had a protein drink at a local coffee house. Checked out the food at the local deli in the New Leaf Grocery. Checked out the menus at the local eating places. Yes, this day has been about food. I'm starting to crave food, but couldn't get myself to choose anything I saw. The protein drink was fine.

I came back and rested for several hours. M had her hands full with her granddaughter, so I did the dishes (sink is low and causes me some upper back pain). Later, when she went to drop off her granddaughter, I made dinner--nothing gourmet, but a tasty meal. I seemed to be looser today, not as tight feeling, and with some sense of strength returning to my arms and hands. Yesterday, I was feeling tight and weak before the session. Chris suggested some breathing exercises that seem to be making a difference.

I'm really clear the I have Rebellious Qi symptoms and a range of anxiety/stress reactions that magnify the Qi symptoms. Noticing which is which gives me some handle on moderating the anxiety/stress reactions and thereby the magnified Qi symptoms.

Will see the woman who started this program tomorrow for a session. Looking forward to working with her and asking some questions.

Got a call from my daughter today. She wants to come over on Friday and help me get to my two sessions. Will be good to see her and spend some time together. Haven't seen her since around the end of the year holidays.

Kind of took a day off today, in some ways. Didn't spend a lot of time focused on doing visualizations. Spent more time doing concrete activities (washing dishes, cooking dinner, etc.). Along with resting and destressing. Weather was great today once the sun emerged.

Received emails from several people who just heard that I was having difficulties. It's good to be in touch with everyone--even though it's a bit one-sided for now. I'm grateful to know so many great people.

L brought me a kirtan CD. I'm wearing it out. I play it anytime I'm in my room either resting or on the computer. It's such a nice background for my healing process.

I flashed on M having her granddaughter here and a feeling I recalled when my 1st sister was born. I was just two years old and I was jealous. I had it all to myself until she arrived. A thread of that old resentment was triggered. Strange to experience such an old feeling, from so long ago. Well, she's gone now and I'm back to having it all to myself, so to speak. Hmmm! Is any of this dopamine-producing?

About ritual bedtime. Time to switch kirtans for monks doing Gregorian chants...and make my way to sleep.

5964

Dreamed | I was healed | that I had evidence | but someone wouldn't believe it.

I was able to demonstrate that I had reversed four of the symptoms. My handwriting was large and clear, my arm strength was back, my thinking was clear, and my smile was restored. I could demonstrate each of these without doubt. But there was someone with me who refused to believe. She was someone I know, but I couldn't see her face. I kept saying to her, "I've proven that I can reverse these symptoms, but you refuse to believe it!" I was not angry. I was just making a statement of fact. I knew what I had done and what was so. I was just amazed that she would refuse to acknowledge any belief.
*************************************
Started the 2nd set of weekly sessions. It's difficult to characterize today's session against last week's Monday session. I am in such a different place/space. Today's session seemed like we did very little in some respects, but I feel like there was a lot of motion below the surface. I came back ravenous as if I'd been running or working out. I was also noticeably tired, but a good kind of tiredness.

M has her granddaughter here today and tomorrow. What a shift (for me) to be around an active 18-month old. She's a doll. Very bright and with her red hair she reminds me of my daughter at that age. I was given the privilege of giving her her bedtime bottle. She snuggled up and drank it down. Like I said, a major shift for me. It was wonderful to help feed her and play with her as dinner was being prepared.

My back and breathing are telling me close out this post and get ready for bed... I'm going to listen to my body and begin my bedtime ritual.

5965

Happy day, today! Restful, peaceful and quiet. The best day I've had since I've been here (and better than many prior to getting here). Ate well (thanx to L who came by with frittata and fruit salad plus a feast that M prepared tonight), went for a walk, went to a coffee house and had a white hot chocolate, did some yoga, rested, listened to kirtans, was virtually symptom-free and anxiety free (stopped taking the supplements), slept well last night, and more and more...

Have 4 sessions scheduled this coming week. From where I am tonight, I'm looking forward to doing them and having them increase the progression experienced in the past week. And may that be so!

I feel that I'm beginning to deal with the real issue--rebellious Qi--versus my mind-thoughts, anxieties, and concerns. Beginning to put attention where it needs to be rather than on the next mind-chatter item that emerges. The rebellious Qi is enough to be concerned with and doesn't need a lot of incidental sidetracks...

Got a host of wonderful, supportive notes from people on the F&F list who got my last update. Also got a card from the dance community. It's sitting on my table so I can look up and see it to remind me of all the great people in my life. Thanx to P for making the card happen.

As I said, I slept really well last night. M set up the front room with a fire, some candles, some music and let me sit in that space until I was ready to go to bed. After an hour or so, I went to my room, put on the chants CD, listened for a while, then dropped off and slept well.

Yesterday and today spent some time practicing the visualizations. I'm noticing more and more blockages and areas of unawareness that I encounter when I scan my body during rest periods. Plenty to work with and plenty to release.

Tomorrow's session will be with Chris. Looking forward to it!

5966

Here's the broadcast I sent to F&F list today... Summary of week 1 of treatments and in betweens...

*************************
Hi everyone--
Thanks and immense gratefulness for all of your messages of encouragement and best wishes. I did read them all, and reread them when I need a boost. Thanx again to everyone...

Here's an update as of today, Sat. 21---
First week of treatments and times in between went well. M&E had to drive me back and forth to sessions since I didn't feel safe driving myself.

Monday did first treatment and enjoyed a nearly 24 hours of symptom-free time. My symptoms (tremors and shaking) have been exacerbated by me running my own anxiety over the top of everything. I started taking some herbal anti-stress capsules, which have helped moderate the anxieties and thus help moderate the symptoms. Anyway, I came out of the Monday session still and quiet.

The process involves a lot of active visualizations while the practitioner supports a leg/calf/foot and monitors the flows in the channels. The team considers the illness, Rebellious Qi in the Stomach Channel, as an electrical wiring problem that I have to fix by going inside, visualizing blockages, and removing them. The process is light and not stressful, fun and enjoyable--which is the whole point--it's undoing what has been done by me operating out of a place of fear, stress, and disconnection. Anyway, if you want to know more about the process, I really have to point you to their web site, pdrecovery.org, and their write-ups they have there that can be downloaded.

So Monday, M brought me home (which M&E have made so with their generosity) still and quiet. I had a quiet, peaceful afternoon and evening, went to bed and slept really well (which had not been the case for most of the previous week).

Awoke Tues. and stayed symptom-free until in the afternoon. The symptoms started returning and by late evening were back full force. Didn't sleep well Tuesday night. Went to chiropractor on Wed morning and adjustment helped release some of the tensions. Went to the 2nd session on Wed evening. When I walked into the office, I began getting quiet. Session went well and I was still by the end of it. Stillness lasted several hours and symptoms returned, and I didn't sleep well.

Awoke (from little sleep) on Thursday feeling somewhat quiet and peaceful. Symptoms were present, but not so intrusive. Stayed on a fairly even keel all day and into the evening. Went for a hike, rested, ate. Put on a CD with Dominican monks chanting and sat for an hour immersed in the sounds. Went to bed and slept nearly 8 hours.

On Friday, I had two sessions with two new practitioners (Chris was the person who worked on me Mon and Tues. He was very centered, very clear, and obviously effective), Laura and Rebecca. They engaged me and coached me in doing the visualizations, supporting me in the process and encouraging me to explore and have fun, to open up the enjoyment channel...

A lot went on during this week--a lot of processing, of noticing how I am with myself, my discomforts, my thoughts (where they go and what they do or don't do) and so much more. Despite my anxieties (which are being released) and my discomfort (with myself and doing what I need to do), this past week was much better than the previous hell-week, and makes me hopeful and able to get a glimpse of what's going to be possible--restored health and happiness.

Today, I went to a restorative yoga class--I was weak in spots, but I made it to the final pose--shivasana. It felt wonderful!

I've said this before, but I feel I need to say it again--my writing, when I reread it, sounds as if I have everything together and am strong and solid... Believe me, it is more like the opposite--I have nothing together even in the smallest way, and I am still feeling fragile and weakened from all of this...

I am recovering "myself" and it is taking time... So please keep sending me messages, even if I don't reply, and forgive me for not burning up the phone wires... I never was good at that before all this and it's somewhat of a problem for me to do it now...

Love and blessings to everyone -- to all of you -- and to the world... I will send out another update as things unfold... I am grateful to know each of you...

5967

Been a long good day... Slept nearly 8 hours last night. The mini-ritual I set up (an hour of quiet sitting with a CD of monks chanting) let me sleep the night away. So I was in good shape for the sessions today.

Had two--one with Laura and one with Rebecca. Will write out a summary of the first week of sessions tomorrow to both broadcast and post. In brief, both team members coached me through a lot of active visualizations. The content dealt with my body, energy flows therein, blockages, clearing blockages by me making choices. It was fun, enjoyable, much better than sitting alone and obsessing on the symptoms or my anxieties. It was a lot of work and was difficult sometimes when the tremor would start happening. It was sometimes surprising and sometimes deflating as to what my mind/ego/thoughts would jump to in seeing things, moving energy, and dealing with blockages.

Both of them gave me similar suggestions -- go slow, take my time, don't rush the process, do the best that I can do with whatever effort I can do it right now, don't push the river. Know, in my heart (soul, mind, being) that the universe has created this opportunity for me to grow, learn, and find peace, and that everything I need is available to me--trust, trust, trust.

Rebecca tested me (kinesiology) for contra-indications for the supplements (anti-stress) that I've been taking. She gave a thumbs up on continuing to use them. Sigh of relief! They are helping moderate the anxiety overlays I've been running. Laura asked me a tough question (in the spirit of helping me unravel my anxieties--What's my worst fear?

I'm still digging my way into the heart of that question. It's why this whole process has appeared in front of me--to find an answer and in so doing let go of whatever fear is keeping me from fully expressing who I am. To look for answers in the joys of life, not the darkness.

I'm seemingly starting to babel. Time to turn on the monks!

5968

Dream | I was in an apartment | that was burgled.

In the brief time I slept last night, I did dream some.

2nd session went well last night. Tremor stopped when I entered the offices and was quiet throughout the session. Stayed quiet for a few hours and then returned. Then, felt wired and couldn't fall asleep.

But awoke feeling OK. Tremor still lurking about, but relatively it's quieter. Took 2 capsules of herbal anti-stress capsules this morning. Will take the 3rd one soon. It appears to be the case that my anxiety and feelings of stress are magnifying the symptoms (Duh! Guess what?)

So I need to r-e-l-a-x more, move around more, think more good thoughts, enjoy my meals, and let go--more! M&E will be going north tonight so I'll be alone--good chance to be still and quiet and process through any stresses and anxiety.

Some neighbors will shuttle me back and forth tomorrow. So I can relax! Have two sessions nearly back-to-back tomorrow. Am interested in what that will be like. Four hours on the table with someone holding my leg or foot!

Yesterday, I spent a long time just going over line dance steps (that I could remember). I could imagine the music and feel the flow of the dance. Movement, movement and physical activity quietens the symptoms. To me, the symptoms seem to feel like what a person on drug withdrawal must feel like (and in a sense I am withdrawing from adrenaline--or running out). It's like pain with no location, an itch that can't be scratched. I've had a lot of focus on the symptoms--dealing with them--instead of looking at what's magnifying them. The "normal" symptoms can be tolerated--it's these hyper ones that have pulled on my attention. Anyway, I seem to be able to distinguish the two and can "rest" when not in hyper mode, and can do something when I am (move, dance, think good thoughts, etc.).

I'm feeling like the intensity of the symptoms was just an artifact and not what I'd experienced if I were not so anxious.

So, 2nd session went well. He worked mostly with the left leg/foot. Had a lot of sensations as Chris worked--heat, coolness, tingling, toes wanting to move (dance), mild pain and aching, twitches, shudders, twinges, thumping, and more.

Will send out a broadcast report after tomorrow's sessions (probably send it out on Sat.--perhaps a yoga class day). Healing Love to all!

5969

Tremor returned last night and into today. Going to 2nd session in a few hours... would be wonderful if I can duplicate Monday's result... I would be really grateful.

Getting notes back from people based on my note that I broadcast... I realized that Monday's results may be old news by the time I hit today. This condition is like wrestling with a snake... It twists and turns and changes the angles in every way.

Anyway, that's it for now... Last night was back to little sleep and tossing about trying to get comfortable. The persistent tremoring is really hard to deal with... But, have to do so...

5970

Dreamed | I was symptom free | and I've been so.

I sent a broadcast note to my F&F distribution list... and will post that message here as well...
Prognosis--It's a miracle! Have been symptom free for over 24 hours since 1st treatment was done... read on if you haven't looked at your email version--

At the end, I've added some notes about the content of the session.
***************
Hi--
Had first session yesterday with one of the PDTeam members. He was very direct, clear and supportive. We talked through the issue of it being an either/or decision. Once the treatment is underway, the fact that the treatments activate the body's natural dopamine system, precludes going back and using the drugs because with the dopamine system active the body can't take adding in more dopamine. Normal healthy people can't take dopamine drugs and exhibit bad reactions if they do so.

With that said he did an intake exam and some info gathering. We spent the 2nd hour actually doing the Yin Tuina treatment, which consists mostly (as described in their literature) as supporting the leg and foot and working to align the energy patterns.

I came into the session pretty much a basket case. I had collapsed after settling into M&E's place in Felton, had begun having almost continuous tremors and shaking, wasn't for the most part sleeping well, and... a basket case. I didn't feel safe driving and M had to drive me to the session. I wasn't thinking straight, I was feeling anxious and very fragile.

Overall the session was interesting, informative and fun (lots of visualization work). Immediately following the session, I couldn't feel any differences. Later in the afternoon, the shaking started to subside and by dinner time it had stopped. The abatement continued into the evening and I fell asleep and got a good night's rest (one of very few in the past month--and especially the past week). I slept, I awoke, I did some Qigong, I ate, I went for a walk, etc. It was nearly 24 hours before any symptoms returned, and even now they are light and not like all of last week (hard and pounding and impossible to ignore). I could rest today and get some real rest--not just cope with the shaking.

Have my 2nd session tomorrow evening. Based on my initial experience (reaction), I am proceeding with the program. As far as I'm concerned, the past 24 hours have been a miracle--an hour of light touch, energy work and I got complete relief for that period of time (plus). When I went walking today, I could tell that I was weak, but not more unexpectedly than the way I was feeling over the past week (when I basically collapsed).

I am truly grateful for M&E--they have gone beyond the limits in helping me through last week and getting to the first session. Which reminds me--One of the key suggestions made by the practitioner was that I concentrate (like a mantra) on enumerating what I have to be grateful for. I started doing that when I came home from the session and are continuing it even as I write. I am grateful for M&E's support, for all of your support, for food, for laughter, for...well, you get the idea. He said it was a critical part of the recovery process--and by the evidence so far, it works.

So, I beam out waves of grateful thoughts to everyone and ask you to do the same... Several people have asked about dropping by for a visit. I would like to see everyone, but I feel that I need a couple of weeks with the program first--I have much to absorb and learn... but gratefully, I'm on my way...

Emails are fine... I read everything being sent even if I don't reply right away... Thank you all again for your support--I am truly filled with gratitude to know and love you all...
*****************
For the intake, Chris had me do some standard movements and he watched and evaluated the results. At the end of the session, I asked him if it was certain I had Rebellious Qi in the Stomach Channel, and he confirmed that is was so.

During the first hour, beyond intake issues, we discussed process, expectations, logistics, etc. During the 2nd hour, he held or supported my leg (right) as he detected the energy flows. He would ask me questions such as could I send light into knee, could I see my knee from the inside, etc. Based on my answers, he would ask other questions or move on to another area.

He asked me to visualize the inside of my upper left leg where I had sustained a severe injury (slid off a merry-go-round horse and caught my leg on the foot rest. It was a sharp piece of metal and cut my leg nearly to the bone (Could have been worse; could have castrated me). I didn't cry--big boys don't cry!

Took some 20-odd stiches to close it up--some near the surface and some internal to the muscle. We had to ride the bus to the hospital. I remember riding and staring into my leg. It didn't hurt and fortunately it didn't bleed (why, I don't know?).

Anyway, Chris asked me to visualize the injured area and tell him what I saw. I saw a wedge-shaped section of muscle that was totally black (the rest of the muscle was clear and shimmery looking). He asked me to focus on that area and tell him what I saw. I watched as the black wedge disintegrated. I then felt myself zoom out so that the scene was tiny and the wound just a small dot.

I didn't notice any particular feelings or such in my leg as the movie played through. Last night, at some point, a had wave-like undulation happen in that part of my leg. It went on for a few seconds and then stopped.

During the session I visualized (or tried to do so) other parts of my legs (knees, calves, ankles, feet, toes, etc. Later last night I recalled injuries to my ankles (both of them) that I had not mentioned during the intake. I just now recalled that during a climb up Shasta that I produced a huge blister in the center of my right foot--about where I had burned my foot on a hot cigarette when I was young, which was one of the areas we worked on in the session.

These added notes are not completely detailed regarding all that went on in the session. The process is really simple--the results are phenomenal! I am grateful!

5971

Saw one PDTeam person today and session was informative and fun... He confirmed that I appear to have Rebellious Qi in the Stomach Channel... Chris, the practitioner, was clear and forthcoming about the procedures... And the implications of doing the treatment--I can't go back... Either I proceed with the treatments or I take the drugs, but I will not be able to do both--it's an either or situation. The treatments flip the system into a dopamine-producing mode, which reacts badly with taking the drugs, even if the treatments don't fully work--which they can do so because of my own belief systems, attitudes, etc...

It's a complex decision. Right now, I feel clear and somewhat well--like I seem to be able to get to nearly everyday--by taking the anti-stress supplements and eating during the rest of the day and into the evening... I realize that there's a lot of repeated conditioning happening--I managed to get quiet in the afternoons a few times and now I do it regularly. Have to transfer that conditioning into the other times when I'm not so quiet.

Restoring my dopamine system to working order is the path to no tremors. Have to love my tremors while they are here. Have another session on Wed and two more on Friday... Fortunately, Marilyn is stepping in to manage the logistics (plus cooking etc.)... My system wants to go into a tailspin when confronted with making decisions and organizing things.

He encouraged me to use the Gratitude Meditation a lot--just sit and think of all the things I have to be grateful for--it's a dopamine-producing activity... I am grateful for all of you who are supporting me... I am grateful for Marilyn and Ellis... I am grateful for my family... the list is quite long...

So was a good day... I learned more about myself and about my rebellious Qi... Planning on sleeping tonight... Going to make that part of the conditioning...

5972

Well the event(s) of last night didn't lead to a major breakthrough this morning. They did lead to a solid night's sleep (almost 8 hours). Got up this morning and did Qigong etc. and then drank an Ensure to see if it would repeat last night's clearing that happened. Did not do much. Main thing that finally did work today was the anti-stress supplements. After taking the 3rd one, making some fresh juice, eating dinner etc., things have grown calmer.

Surprise! (duh!) This condition is highly reactive/responsive to dietary considerations. Am going to have to reformulate my food intake and match it up with what my body needs and can tolerate. Last night's reaction/result was a function of my food intake for the day. There are links between the illness and overall blood sugar levels. I've started moving down the right path, but I need to gather some definitive data and map out a food program.

As L pointed out, last night demonstrates that healing is possible--just have to discover the routes that work consistently. It was fun last night--I know what it feels like to be healthy and energized--I could have gone running last night. Thoughts cleared and I had a marvelous visualization where everyone was blessed with light.

Tomorrow begins the program with the recovery team. Looking forward to getting started. First step begins. Thanx goodness for M&E--they have given me a place to just be and are providing incredible support. Bless them with lots of light!

5973

Dreams | of being with a group of men | we were out having a good time | at one point we were speeding down a street in a car | driving too fast | but having fun.

Mixed today so far today. Didn't sleep all that fully last night for no good reason. Should have been able to sleep more than I did. M&E went dancing and came back about the time the rains started. Been intermittent deluge most of the early morning hours and through the day.

I got up and did Qigong, but faded out right afterwards. Made some carrot juice, which was tasty, but then faded again. Practicing letting go--since I don't seem to have much of a choice in it all.

Read through a series of messages on the PDrecovers message board on Yahoo. The all dealt with being cured versus healing. Thrust of the messages was that being cured come from outside, healing yourself comes from within. Good set of messages given where I seem to be with things right now. I want to heal myself and I'm in a major battle with my ego, who's looking for a cure. The amount of chatter on my internal dialog is really high. I'm watching as my mind goes here and there, and everywhere--except to that place within where healing occurs. My mind keeps manufacturing obstacles and what ifs instead of being at rest, at peace.

So, I've been meditating on the rain--each time a shower comes I remind myself to let go, let be, let what is be. I don't always remember to keep doing that and allow my mind/ego to start the chatter again.

I'm unbelievably weak. It's like my body has run out of steam. It makes a few movements and then wants to collapse again. Let it be; let it go! M&E are here to take care of things. It's handled, I know it's handled, yet I continue the negative chattering and doom scenario-making.

Getting closer to Monday and going to the first session. It's been a long trip in many ways just getting to that meeting. Been here at M&E's for a week now--perhaps the longest week of my life. Let it all go! I chose this path, this route, this condition. My mind chimes in and inserts the thought that it would be better with a map. It would be, but that's now how it's been put together. The rain sings a chorus of let it be, let it go.

Words upon words lead the way to the healing place. Down the spiral staircase of the soul, into the center of being, the place with no name. Down the rabbit hole!
**************************************
Had something happen tonight that is amazing--After dinner, the symptoms abated and have nearly disappeared. I feel energized with no need to lie down and collapse. The only thing that I did differently was drink an Ensure before dinner. Then had a simple healthy meal. Is it possible that most of the symptoms are related to low glucose levels (hypoglycemia)? Did nothing really different today over yesterday, except for the Ensure. The test will be whether I get a good sleep tonight and what happens when I awake. I'll start tomorrow off with another Ensure and see if the energy levels stay up. A tentative assumption--perhaps the healing is underway. I can deal with things the way I feel right now. Thank everyone for their prayers and good thoughts. Let go; let be!

5974

Dreamed | it was Friday 13th | and it is.

No remembered dreams. Didn't end up sleeping more or better last night. Seemed to be a little wired after eating dinner and with being alone. Neighbors got noisy just before midnight. Took them a bit to quiet down and go to sleep.

I contacted a senior citizen ride program today (based on L's links she sent through last night). They can do rides like I need. They need 7-to-10 day notice so they can locate a volunteer, etc. No cost program run by the county.

Taxis also do door-to-door even up here in the woods. RT is around $50. Certainly an option and one that I'll try next week once I have my schedule in place.

My middle son came back with a creative suggestion should I falter and need to be extracted from here. He's looking into options that put me near where he lives. He and his family and my ex-wife (his mother) were really gracious to discuss what I had asked them to consider, and come up with the option he's proposed. It gives me a safety net, which allows me to relax and focus on healing. I also talked with M&E about this issue and they've assured me that they are there, no matter what happens. People are truly magnificent. I have been touched and moved by everyone's loving kindness.

Today was a good day! M&E came back earlier than I was expecting... Gave me an opportunity to look again at my way of creating totally random scenarios from little or no data. I take one little datapoint and extrapolate whole worlds--of nonsense. I've been living alone, living in my head too long. Time for me to get back into reality, where things change and so what?

I feel like I'm on a fast track of learning things about myself--most of which is not exactly how I like to think I am. For example? I just realized that I talked to my middle son about the extraction option he's proposed, but didn't notify my older son that I had raised the issue with his brother. My mono-thinking takes over when my mind has a thought. I charge ahead without looking right or left. (A badly muddled example, but it makes the core issue obvious--I don't communicate well.)

Today was Friday the 13th and only one bad thing happened to me--I broke M&E's toilet seat! I was sitting on the toilet and suddenly the seat gave way with a loud popping sound. I think it gave me a hip adjustment that I didn't need.

Otherwise, it was an incrementally better day for a change. May the trend continue! May the world experience the loving kindness that came to me today.

5975

Dreams | of people | and groups from the past |
I was at a cafe and there were lots of people at the adjoining tables. It was like some type of get together of people to meet each other--a single's club of sorts. I knew a lot of the people. At some point, I left and walked outside toward another venue. I saw my friend RB there. We went in together and were confronted with groups of people from the past, from history. There were people dressed in clothes from the various periods. The atmosphere was like a scene out of the Cirque de Soliel.

Had a relatively good day today. Awoke, as usual, with tremors and not enough sleep. But started smoothing out as the supplements took hold. Still had thoughts about how I'm feeling and functioning. Called my youngest son and left a message for him to call me, that I wanted to ask him a question. He called back but the phone numbers got tangled. Tonight, he called back and I asked him a big question--Would it be possible, in the case that I continue to falter, for me to come and live with him should I need to be extracted from over here. He's talking it over with his wife and kids, and his mother. I know that it's a big thing, a crazy thing to ask, but I feel the need for a safety net if things get too out of hand. He'll let me know tomorrow. It's wouldn't be an easy thing for him and his family to do, but I felt I had to ask.

M&E are staying up north tonight. They'll be back tomorrow evening. My first night alone here. Things went well. Anti-stress supplements seem to be working. I made my standard dinner--steamed veges and rice with Japanese seasonings and topped with a nerve elixir--finely chopped and mixed serving of lethicin granules, almonds, brewers yeast, wheat germ, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds. Tasty brew! Was good with basmati rice.

L called and after we talked she went online and picked up some valuable info regarding taxi rides and volunteer drivers for seniors. I really appreciate her initiative and good thinking--something I've not been doing. Now there are even more options. The taxi fares sounded amazingly low. I'll check those links tomorrow and get into the details. Nice to get such quick support in making this process work. Look forward to tomorrow's news from these places.

I realized when M&E left that I've been so used to being alone that interacting with others, closely, is something I've forgotten how to do. Also, I'm walking on tiptoes trying to keep things smooth and unconflicted--which is crazy-making. It's something I've done all my life. I was OK tonight alone, but that's a situation that's not going to be the norm for awhile--I need to make some adjustments, and not just with a chiropractor. I feel like I don't want to impose, but I'm already imposed--I'm here. M&E knew what they were agreeing to, so they're relaxed and open. I'm the one whose running old tapes and movies--especially the ones that deal with tiptoeing.

Tiptoe through the tulips and the tulips get smashed! Have to take real steps no matter what the outcomes. Friday 13th tomorrow--my lucky day!

5976

Dreamed | I slept last night | and I did.

Got a reasonable number of hours of good sleep last night. Thanx to the anti-stress supplements. They seem to be working tonight as well.

Made it to the chiropractor this morning. Felt good to get an adjustment, although he scared the crap out of me when a rib popped back in place. The adjustment lifted me off the table. But it did provide some relief, but I still had a rough morning.

Got into a major funk over the logistics of getting to and coming from treatments. I'm not feeling exceptionally focused or strong. When I started thinking about driving into town, I started feeling like it just isn't going to work. So I started obsessing about putting a burden on M&E should they have to drive me in three days a week. Started really feeling stressed. Talked with M&E about the situation and they started thinking through what they'd have to do to make such an option work. It's not simple--they have fixed obligations and lots of creative work that they do.

We left it as something to be discussed tomorrow. Then, we started discussing other options and I realized that I could take a bus into town if need be (would take extra time, but what do I have lots of?), get a neighbor to help share the driving load, look into senior citizen transportation options, etc. Lots of options!

Then we discovered that next Monday is a holiday! So M&E will be here that day! So that's taken care of... The stress level has really gone down. A good lesson on being flexible and keeping on the lookout for creative options. Anyway, right now I feel as good as I've felt since I've been here--thank the universe for good friends, creative minds, anti-stress supplements, lots of options, and the MLK holiday next week.

When you think you're out of options, think again! Always think again!

5977

Dreamed | I was with a family | and they offered me a place to live.

It was a family composite of all of my friends and family. An amalgam of everyone I know. In the dream, they were letting me know that I had a place with them. It was a very emotional scene. We were all hugging and crying. I awoke feeling touched and filled with gratitude.
*******************
A few things done today--checked with the chiropractor across the street and verified that they take my medical insurance. Will get an adjustment tomorrow morning. Located the yoga studio (local) and see that they have several classes that will work for me.

Started taking an herbal anti-stress supplement. Had to do something about the tremors. Didn't sleep well again. Hopefully the supplement will let me get more sleep. It seems to reduce the constant tension in my arm and right side. Sleep would be nice.

I sent a note to the PDTeam and asked them for suggestions of how to cope with increased intrusive symptoms.

Been eating more raw foods and browsing instead of eating a huge amount of food at one sitting. Have to watch weight though. Can't afford to lose any more than I already have lost. Eating nuts should help moderate losses. Working my way up to eating more along with the raw foods. Is a puzzlement! But one that'll have to be solved, soon.

I notice that my writing conveys a sense of "having things under control." Actually, the opposite is true. I don't have much of anything under control and I feeling really weak and fragile. I notice it more when I'm interacting with people (chiropractor, yoga people, grocery clerks, my housemates, etc.). I'm not tracking extremely well and seem to be disoriented when trying to talk and communicate with others. Also, feel like I have to meter my activities--take things very slowly so I don't overdo. Anyway, the writing is easy; the reality is very different and difficult.

Enough analysis for tonight. Time to see if I can get a few dreams together.

5978

Noh Dreams | last night | perhaps.

Tossed and turned a lot last night. New bed, new place, so didn't sleep well. Made up for it today. Spent the day resting in the peace and quiet. Took naps. Read more about diet and what I should be eating (actually am eating already). Read about superfoods and went and got some at the local holistic market--New Leaf grocery. A health-conscious place with lots of health and healing resources. And, within walking distance (although the road is really busy and there's no sidewalks--just a narrow "bike" lane).

In addition to the set of sofa recliners with all manner of vibration settings, M&E also have a cardiomachine and a mechanical massager. Tried them all today in addition to doing Qigong when I got up this morning.

Tomorrow planning to make a run into Santa Cruz to locate the three places where treatments will be given. It's a bit like an adventure game with puzzle maps and hidden locations. The PD team has provided what look to be good instructions and maps, but I thought I'd get my bearings before next week.

Been looking through a book, Linda Page's Healthy Healing, that provides a host of dietary, supplements and lifestyle interventions for all major illnesses. The suggested regimens require a lot of shifts and changes in what I eat, take and do, but so does life. Recovery and restoration--whatever it takes, whatever it requires. Choices are obvious, it seems.

The journey of 1,000 miles begins with each next step--time to step on out. Appreciate the shower of good wishes and support I've received from family and friends. It has made the difference and continues to do so... Thanx everyone! From the bottom of my soul!

5979

Dreamed | I moved to Santa Cruz | and I did!

Move to Felton went smoothly (except that my mobile goes into digital roaming mode here in the redwoods). Everything made it into the truck and the guest room with space to spare. Was hectic, but it's nice to be moved and settled in... Had a real meal this evening and am feeling at home here already... Looking forward to exploring some tomorrow and checking out what's within walking distance... and looking around for a yoga class and other things to help with recovery process... Been a long day... Time to check out the new bed...

5980

Dreamed | I was moving | and I am.

Here's the gist of a note I just sent to my family and friends about tomorrow's move --

*****************
Hello everyone--

Tomorrow, I move over the hill to Felton so I will be closer to the PDTreatment Team. They are located in Santa Cruz, about a 15 minute drive from my friends' place where I'll be staying. Treatment sessions run about 2 hours each and begin on 1/16/06 at the rate of 4 per week, for 4 weeks. At the end of a month, we'll evaluate progress and adjust the number of sessions (hopefully downward), and do the same after the completion of the second month. At the end of the second month, I'll be evaluating whether I need to stay in the Santa Cruz area or if I can move back to the Palo Alto area.

My old home phone will be disconnected on Monday 1/9. I'll still have my mobile active and will have the same email address. I'll send out broadcasts (like this one) when something of importance happens. If you want more frequent updates, I have a blog at --

laranstar.blogspot.com

which I post to daily (it's like my journal that I've kept for years, but that I started posting online earlier last year. The blog will, hopefully, have day-by-day reports on what's happening.

I'm looking forward to getting started. December was a long month for me as symptoms (shaking and tremors) continued to manifest and seemingly grew stronger. I've not been sleeping well at nights and that's requiring that I stop and rest a lot during the day. I've learned that chamomile tea helps moderate the symptoms briefly, as does a session of restorative yoga and eating meals on a regular basis (missing a meal triggers the symptoms).

Anyway, I'm on my way (to San Jose and beyond). Keep me in your thoughts as I work on recovering from "rebellious Qi in the stomach channel." That's how the treatment team thinks of this illness. If you want more info on what they do go to their website --

www.PDRecovery.com

Next news will be from Santa Cruz... Love and blessings...

5981

Dreams | were there | and then were gone | in a moment |

Took miscellaneous stuff to the storage locker today. Amazingly, I could jam it all in there. And, there's still a lot of room, when I get around to that project. A friend of mine sent me this very appropriate story --

MAYONNAISE JAR and 2 CUPS OF COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24
hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups
of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf
balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it
was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open
area between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed
it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with
a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the
empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite
passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that ma! tter lik e your job, house,
and car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no
room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you
spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have
room for the things that are important to you.

So... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play With your children. Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will
always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the golf balls first-- the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you
that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a
couple of cups of coffee with a friend.

*****************
Time for the big stuff.

5982

Dreams | of fishing holes | and zooming |

There was a dream of being at a lake. It was partly a lake from my childhood mixed with other lakes and ponds. I was there with a childhood friend. We were moving around the lake trying to find a school of fish. We didn't catch anything, but we noted that there was plenty of bait fish, crayfish, shrimp-like creatures, and more. The water was fairly clear and we could see larger fish moving in the deeper areas. It was a good day of fishing even though we never caught anything. It was a quiet time, a peaceful afternoon.

In the second dream, I was zooming--skating down macadam roads with slick pebbles embedded in a substrate. I've had dreams like this before where I basically skate down hilly roads using just gravity and slick-soled shoes. Because of the slope of the roads, I could build up terrific speeds. In the dream, I was zooming around the area near the lake in the first dream. There were a few younger zoomers out on the road. They wore some special wheeled skate boards, unlike my plain leather shoes. I spoke with a couple of them at the top of a couple hills. The dream was very tactile. I could feel the speed and forces when I had to make turns or needed to brake and stopped.
*************************************
Unlike the previous night, I slept really well last night. I was able (for some reason) to rest on my side and stay there. This has not been the case for quite some time. Slept well! Ahhhh!

Did do one thing differently last night--I picked up the Power Healing book and opened it randomly. It opened to a chapter on healing with sounds and the healing mantra "weng ar hong." I started chanting that mantra before going to sleep and was able to sleep on my side and sleep like I've not slept in a long time. I was shaking quite a bit yesterday, but that quieted down when I stuck with the mantra and fell asleep. Just another data point among many variables.

Tomorrow is a final run to the storage locker. Then will start packing on Sat followed by final packs on Sun and over the hill.

Bumped into R the head of the Gnostic church this morning. Asked her to include me in her prayers. She said she would do so.

Had dinner with L. We were both low energy--she because she was awakened in the middle of the night by her son lifting weights--me because I stay tired it seems. Hopefully, not much longer.

5983

Dreams | of living spaces | darkness and shadows | rich detailed dreams |

Had difficulty getting quiet last night, but must have finally done so since dreams emerged. Dreamed of living in place that had six bedrooms. There was six of us living in half the space (three rooms) and the other rooms were empty. Dream dealt with finding six others to share the space. We operated like a commune and made all decisions by consensus. The three empty rooms were in better shape than the rooms we were in, but that didn't seem to affect the decision to find other tenants. The six of us that lived in the three rooms were paired couples. There were no children. We were looking for three additional couples to take the other three rooms.

A second dream had me near a train station in a shadowy part of town. It was late and I wanted to catch a train back home. I came out of a bar and realized that I was in a section of town where it was not a good idea to wander around. Two other men came out of the bar and started walking in the direction of where I thought the station was located. They noticed me, but didn't say anything directly to me. They were gay--somehow I just knew that they were. We walked along for a while and came to a place where I could see the station in the distance. I started in that direction even though the route still looked somewhat dangerous. The men split up and one of them accompanied me. He asked if I were headed for the station and I said yes. He said he would walk with me since he lived over in that direction. We walked along silently until we came to a plaza that fronted the station. He asked if I needed change for the turnstiles and I told him I had change. He wished me good night and went on his way. I felt as if he wanted to say more or hit on me, but he turned away and I headed for the train station. There was a late train running and I was there in time to catch it. I felt tension melt away as I entered the station. I got on the train and the dream ended with images flashing past the window next to me.
*************************************
The shaking and tremors got really persistent last night. This was after meeting with GH, drinking some herbal tea, going to restorative yoga class, and getting the news from Santa Cruz (that we start treatments on 1/16)--which means my 1/8 departure date is now on course. Because of the hyper-symptoms, I didn't sleep really well last night (even though I dreamed and remembered them).

My friend P dropped by today and we spent a quiet couple of hours together. Was good to see her and spend some time together. I was still having more than usual symptoms most of today. A few hours ago, I drank some Sleepytime tea and dozed off for an hour. Then I went out and grabbed a meal (Chinese food) and came back to write this post. Things seem fairly still right now. I seem to be settling down some. The hyper-symptoms were strange given what I did yesterday (things that normally quiet me down).

I printed out the directions and maps to the various treatment locations. As expected, the locations are squirreled away in odd twists and turns. The directions to two of the places read like adventure instructions. I think I puzzled them out, but will dry run finding each place next week. Plenty to get done before the 16th arrives.

I keep looking at putting more and more stuff in the storage locker--rather than cart it over the hill and then have to cart it back. I have mostly (still too much) clothing. If it were summer, I could get by with almost nothing, but summer is still a few months away. Final cuts are being made over the next two days.

Then it will be time to snooze in Santa Cruz (Holy Cross)!

5984

Dreams | of buildings | houses | domiciles | not sure what I dreamed about|

Good news from Santa Cruz! The PDTeam has set up a treatment schedule. Treatments begin 1/16/06 and are set up for a month. So move this weekend is on schedule and will give me a week to acclimate and get settled.

Saw GH today. She brings good energy to the process. Helpful suggestions! Like a place to put my doubts that she talked about today. A place to put my hopes and wishes and a place to put the doubts--so they don't get tangled with the people and program holding out the hope.

Went to restorative yoga--and it was, as usual. Staying present holds the shaking at bay.

Experienced a lot more shaking today for some reason. Had a pot of chamomile tea with lunch, but it took a while to kick in--was still shaking during yoga. By the time yoga was done, things had moderated, but still noticeable--even now.

Cutting this post short tonight. It's been a long and lengthy day and there's stuff to get done tomorrow. Goo night ladies! Goo night gentlemen! Goo night Mrs. Calabash!

5985

Raindrops keep falling on my head, they keep falling. Steady soaking taking place. The endless drizzle. No flood warnings so far. Rain has been steady, but light. At some point, I'll have to go out and get a warm meal, but have avoided doing that so far.

Watched the Ray Charles movie last night. Amazing what he managed to accomplish given his circumstances. He was exceptionally talented and exceptionally flawed in his own peculiar way. An inspiring story when all was said and sung.

Reminds me of the NPR interview with the "Human Jukebox" band conductor. He was asked what didn't he get to do in his lifetime and he said he had done it all. He was totally satisfied with his life. I think Ray Charles ended on a similar note.

What about me? Not the same. So much that I've never done, never will do, now. I had none of the restrictions that Ray Charles endured, other than my own bindings, my own contraints. And even now, with the future shrinking rapidly in my direction, I still wrestle with myself, hold myself in place.

We each have our own demons, our own set of stopping points. Why? Why do we have them, why do I have them? And with what I know, why can't I break free instead of tumbling into a vortex of illnesses and limitations?

The movie both inspired me and made me question what it is I think I'm doing with the rest of my life. I've been waiting! For all of my years here on this planet, I've been waiting. For what? For something magical--an intervention, a sign, a direction. No matter what I was doing, I was still waiting. Inside I was marking time and waiting for the big revelation. Waiting for the right time, the right place, the right project, the right companion, the right reasons. My waiting draws to a close with the knowledge that I was waiting in vain. Nothing, no one, nada is ever coming--not while I sit and wait.

I keep seeing me in a brightly lighted place. There is a sense of calm, of peace, of orderliness about the place. There is fresh air and light. The space is healing, nurturing, and filled with joy, with stillness. I wish to become still. In all of my waiting, I've not been still. I've always been in motion, waiting and expecting intervention. I am ready to lay down this burden of waiting and replace it with stillness.

Meanwhile, the rain continues. I restarted the writing of poems in my Starthrower companion blog. First poems of the New Year. I had stopped creating poems back in November as the information on PD was being disclosed. There is a stillness involved in writing both these notes and more poems.

There's the saying about where there is stillness there is God. So I write my way to stillness, into the presence of life. I still wait, but that state will soon be disbanded. The stillness will overtake the waiting. The stillness will permeate and sustain, manifest and magnify.

5986

Dreamed | it was a new year | and it was | Happy 2006! |

Dance last night was fun. I was struck by the uniformity of movement when I sat back and watched. Everyone in motion, moving to the beat and making the patterns. Some of the "observer" types were mesmerized. Also the lights and colors--the dancing, blinking lights made the place glisten.

And food--there was food galore. Good food and stacks of desserts.

Was also a bit sad. I couldn't help but think of this dance as my "last" one for awhile. P was there looking manic as always. Big crowd--130 people. Non-stop music and dancing for 4 hours. I was somewhat tired by the time it was over, but my energy was good through most of it. Near the end, I was starting to fade. My symptoms stayed in the background for most of the evening--thanks to the Sleepytime tea I drank in the afternoon. I felt relaxed and clear.

"Last" dance moments with certain pieces of music and certain dances. My legs got heavy toward the end. Need to find something similar when I go over the hill. Just to keep myself in motion.

Got a call from DH's wife letting me know that DH had passed on. It was strange. I had gotten something from my sister that let me know he was gone. His wife left a message on my phone and the caller ID identified DH as the caller. Dead man calling! Moment of strangeosity. What would he have said had he actually made the call? What would anyone say? There's a story in all of this.

Winds up today and more rains promised. Darkening outside as the clouds sweep overhead. One week to departure day. One week that will slide past quickly. And then onward to recovery I go!