4101

Made it to CW dance class this morning. It felt good to move and dance even though I hadn't done so in over three weeks. Went to the H's for a sandwich and another chapter of the Ishiguro book. The work is a strange sort of waking nightmare that wanders wherever it wants to go. There is an intrigue about it though that glues the odd pieces into a whole.

I turned red and flushed later in the afternoon--because of the sandwich perhaps. Still a puzzle why it happens and when it occurs. Everything stabilized as the day went by. I didn't take a nap this afternoon. Could have done so but elected to stay up. I dusted the place down in a momentary fit of domestic expurgation.

Watched a University SF documentary on PD. It's a well done piece that provides a hopeful introduction to the disease, from both the clinician's and patient's perspectives. It left me thinking about what I've been doing (or not doing) and what I need to do that's more supportive and realistic for me. I've let valuable time slip past while I wrestled with accepting what I have. Time, once again, to make a shift and put together some kind of plan. I can't keep drifting along--I could but I don't want to do so. Time to make some moves no matter what the outcomes.

4102

The Oscars are named! Despite the mega-nominations the winning entry only garnered four awards. On to next year's competitions!

Slept in this morning--a still cool day but with a lot of sunshine. Got up and had breakfast, then went back to bed until around 1pm. Had a late lunch at the Mediterranean Grill. Came home an slept some more and experienced hot flashes and flushing. Usually a meal at the Grill doesn't set off the flushing symptoms, but not so today. Can't figure it out. Seemed to be linked to eating, but is triggered by all kinds of food.

Dreamed last night a dream I've had before. It's about a puzzle or mystery that involves searching through clues and discovering an object. At the end of the dream, I've found the object and am giving it to a mysterious entity. The entity and I are together along with the object and I give the object to the entity. The dream feels complete and final--except that I've had the dream before.

Watched a mystery movie Edge of Darkness. A film with Mel Gibson chasing bad guys who caused his daughter to be killed. He doesn't know why she was targeted and plows ahead with his investigations despite not knowing everything.

CW dance class tomorrow. Will require some catch up on my part, but what else is new?

4103

C-o-l-d today! Didn't snow at low altitudes but it was cold enough to have done so. Laundromat was packed and it was cold in there despite the dryers running full blast. I had a hot lunch which helped reduce my shaking a bit, but for the most part I've been plagued by symptoms most of the day. Supposed to be near freezing again tonight and then the start of a "warming" trend (aka temperatures in the 40s).

Watched a film about a major spy case--Breach. It was not exactly a pot boiler--more plodding and plotted out. Had some good actors but the whole thing was leaden and heavy. Nothing really exciting! I picked up some other DVDs but I think I've seen several of them before. I keep doing that--picking up films I've seen but not recognizing them by their cover art. Surprise! I've watched this one before.

It's really quite still right now. Quiet and all the sounds in the distance. Dreamed something about working. Don't recall the details. It had to do with me being in a job that required my problem-solving skills. I was figuring out puzzle situations. It was a lot of fun.

4104

PD weight training was tough today. I felt weaker than I felt last week. I had a hard time completing the number of reps in each set. To top it off, my hot flashes and flushing returned after I ate a late meal. Weather isn't helping either. It has turned really c-o-l-d. Predictions of snow in SF are being touted. We shall see--from the comfort of my heavy blankets. Laundry day tomorrow! Hate to think about it with the weather like it is.

Dreamed last night about something to do with a group of guys and some kind of jobs. It was a light and joyful dream that included music, dancing, and general good times. There were some parts of the dream that were a bit scary--like when I was up on a railing above a distant courtyard. I was balancing on the railing along with a friend.

I awoke sometime last night and felt really quiet and still. I was only slightly awake. I just lay in the stillness and enjoyed the quietness of it all.

Picked up some books and DVDs from the library. Let it snow! I'll just cover up and read/watch until the snow melts away.

4105

Movement class went well today. Regular instructor was not there but it still went well with the substitute. I came back from class, got a bite to eat, and slept for a couple of hours. Symptoms got active and woke me up. I'm better now. It's cooled down some tonight. Predictions are for snow fall down to 1000 feet.

PD weight training tomorrow.

I'm feeling some anxiety. I'm feeling like I want to begin doing something to breakthrough the closed in box I've created for myself. The month of February has gone by quickly. I've not done much except repeat my patterns and do my shuffling. Has to be some way to shake off these dreary, repetitive activities and move on with everything. The drudge goes on! I'm sitting in the dark. I keep thinking I'll eventually start seeing things. Like Murakami at the bottom of the well.

4106

PD gait and balance class went well today. There was a bit more "information" to it versus moving, but it was OK. I came home and fell asleep in the mid afternoon. When I awoke, I thought it was morning of the next day. It took me a while to realize that it was just the afternoon of the current day. I couldn't figure out why it was so bright at 5:30 in the morning. Oh, well!

Dreamed last night about doing some work in a busy company. I was a key person in the organization and was being questioned by a team of workers regarding how a product was made. The work was intense but felt good.

Watched The Visitor tonight with the movie group at the H's. It did not review well with them, especially the last half of the film. They were making fun of the dialog and the scenes in the last half of the action. I didn't think the film was that bad, but they had a different reaction. I admit that on a second viewing the film seemed a bit flat. But it was still a well made movie.

It's getting really cold tonight. Predictions are for snow in the low elevations.

4107

PD dance class was moving today. We did some improvisational scenarios. There were five people standing and five people sitting. The two point persons were moving and dancing with the others mimicking their motions. The combination of the music and the movements had everyone in tears.

I came home after grabbing some food and fell asleep for several hours. I woke in the early evening with some flushing and redness. The food that I had (sandwich with chicken, mayo, and such, potato salad, and soup) seemed to trigger the reaction. All is now quiet, but the temperature is dropping. Going to be a cool evening.

Watched an Iranian film called Baran. It was love story set in Tehran that dealt with Afghans and how they are treated and used for labor, women's roles and such in that part of the world, and a young couple's interactions. It was a pleasant film, but with a hanging conclusion that was not very satisfying. Film is in Farsi with English subtitles.

PD gait and balance class tomorrow. Looking forward to being there.

4108

Slept in this morning since I had no classes. Went to the H's for a sandwich and another chapter of The Unconsoled. GH did his shows on Thursday (Lear and The Italian Lesson) at Avenidas) and Sunday (Kaddish). They were both well attended and were met with good cheer. I came home and slept for a while. Watched a movie The Visitor. It was a good film--straight-forward and with enough plot twists to keep it moving along. It was about a man who's in the Autumn of life and lets an odd set of events propel him along a new set of paths. It was a well crafted movie and told a good story.

PD dance class tomorrow. Weather is still cool. I'll have to push myself out of bed in the morning in order for me to get to class. No breakthroughs for me with my endless to-do lists and making a dent in the routinized tracks that I've been plowing. Endless days and endless daze. No breaks in the scenery--just fogs and mists. Unaccountable delays! The leakage of time! No matter what I think that I should do. Wrestling in the darkness with the demons of my dread. Too many elements! Too many forgotten dreams!

4109

Weather lightened up some today, but can feel the temperature dropping as the evening comes on. I did manage to get a haircut today. It was long overdue. I look somewhat less unkempt with my hair trimmed. I need to look into just shaving my head. My bald spot is threatening to take over my entire pate. I slept in this morning, got up and had a bite to eat, and went back to bed until it was time for my barber. I slept so much yesterday that I didn't think I'd sleep much today. Wrong! Sleep has become my middle name!

My daughter just sent me a message saying she and her family is moving to the Sacramento area. Sounds like they have a good thing going in terms of their jobs and will move into her grandmother's house. Life goes on! I wish them luck and good fortune! They also are going to Hawaii for a short stay. Aloha!

No classes tomorrow--it's the day of the prez! Watched a movie tonight called War Eagle, Arkansas. It was a tidy little film about two boys who grow up in a small town. They both have challenges--one stutters and the other has cerebral palsy. They hang out with each other and help shelter each other from bullies and such. It's based on a true story and pulls at the heart strings, but the film was too tidy, too packaged for my tastes.

4110

Wet, cold and rainy day! It's not as bad as back East, but it certainly is cooler than I care for it to be. I'm ready for some warmer weather.

I've been hibernating. I spent the day wrapped up and under the heater. I went out for some warm food, but came back and climbed back in bed. I know it's not good for me to be bundled so much but it sure feels nice. I'm going to try and get a haircut tomorrow. I'm overdue and need to get it done.

I've been watching the batch of TV shows that I like. Haven't watched a movie in a few days as I've caught up with the shows. Now, I'm caught up! So it goes! Nothing of importance gets done. I'm not even sure what is important any more. The time gets clumped into mishmash of events that come and go without leaving any signature. The winds wind down! The rivers melt. It all comes to a clumsy end. Dreams remain but are never fully played out.

4111

Made it to PD weight training class today despite the wet and cold weather. It's been raining steadily and the temperature has dropped into the 30s and 40s. In the weight training session, I did moat of my lifting with 10-pound weights. I started off with 5-pounders when the class first met. Now, I'm working with 10-pound dumb bells. Feels good!

Dreamed a lot about working. I was in a company where I was a consultant. There were scenes where I was helping one person navigate his way around our cluster of desks. There were several different scenarios in the dream, each having something to do with projects we were doing.

I slept with the heater running full blast all last night and into this morning. It's also been on most of the afternoon and into the evening. More cold weather is predicted for the coming week.

To-do list not getting any shorter. More things to do than I have energy. The walls come tumbling down!

4112

Slept in this morning! There was a heavy rain last night and today. When I woke up this morning, the sound of the rain on the roof was mesmerizing. I slept in after breakfast and missed the movement class. Finally got up and out for a warm meal. Then came back and slept away the afternoon. I awoke in the early evening and here I am--awake and rested after nearly a full day of sleeping.

It's been cool as well as wet and I've been huddled with the heater as much as sleeping.

Tomorrow is PD weight training. It's not until the early afternoon so I should make it. The daze go by! Long live the daze! Last train to Memphis! All aboard! Flushing and redness has stopped happening as much as it was. Definitely linked to diet!

4113

Acupressure session was great today. I still ended up sleeping in the afternoon, but otherwise feel good.

Movie night tonight with the H's. Watched a film about the 70s called Together. It was an OK film but nothing great.

My phone is not working fully. The new battery loses charge and the phone is not always online despite what the indicators say. Noticed that my land line costs just went up about $4 per month. Guess I'm going to have to upgrade my telephone/Internet connections. Hate that I have to do so but my technology is getting old.

Movement class in the morrow! Move on, move on, move on!

4114

PD dance class felt good today. I awoke feeling light and energetic. I did awaken late but still got up and out, and made it to the class on time. I had less flushing and redness today. Had a simple lunch which I think helped moderate things.

I napped in my chair in the afternoon for a short spell. I keep thinking of the neurology work that I heard about on the radio dealing with mirrors and phantom limbs. There's something about my mirror image being whole and unfettered. I'll keep noodling around those ideas.

Watched a movie, Amen, tonight. It's a film about an SS officer who tried to do something about the atrocities that he saw in the concentration camps. The story hinged on the inactions that were promulgated despite the growing pile of evidence that was accumulating. It was a somewhat uncomfortable film, but one that tried to deal with the realities that took place.

Have an acupressure session in the morrow. Looking forward to it!

4115

Slept in this morning and didn't make it to the line dance class. There will be no class next Monday as well. So, I get a several week break with that activity. It felt good to sleep this morning. A rain storm had moved into the area.

Made it to the H's to read another chapter in the Ishiguro book. Had a melted cheese sandwich that seemed to bring on some flushing and redness. Will eat simply tomorrow and see what happens. I'm nearly convinced that I am reacting to what I'm eating. Will try and get to the PD dance class tomorrow and not sleep through.

Watched a Turkish film called Times and Winds. It was a nearly a plotless work with some good but repetitive camera work. The film was way too long and often confusing as previous scenes were edited back into the image flow.

The IRA withdrawal check made it through the snail mail maze. Took it to the bank.

4116

The world spins! As each continent salutes the sun, people are waking from their dreams. For some, the dreams are happening while for others their dreams are ending. There is no rhyme or reason as to what is happening to whom.

In the hours before sunlight shines there are billions of dreams. Where do they go? How do they manifest? What happens to the billions that drop back into the darkness?

Perhaps there is an engine of dreams that churns endlessly, spewing out and taking in the dream shapes that surround the planet. I will soon join the thrashing dream storms. May I dream about new beginnings, about things that are happening, and about the promises of lost dreams.

I am moving slowly. And the nights are beginning to be shorter.

4117

It was laundry day on this bright clear weekend. Got there a little later than usual and the place was busy. At one point, nearly all of the driers were in use. Tons of tumbling fabrics flopping in the heat.

Watched a movie tonight called Defiance. It was about group of Lithuanian Jews who chose to fight back and not be sent to camps. I think I'd seen the movie before but can find no notes to that effect. My memories are getting more difficult to bring forward. I noticed that I had picked up another film, The Dying Gaul, that I had watched before. It was a little over a year ago, but it didn't ring a bell when I picked it out.

Didn't manage to do much today other than laundry and a short errand run. As I awoke this morning, I felt a brief period of feeling awake and energetic. It was soon displaced and the rest of the day drifted by in a fog-like state. I fell asleep in a chair when I came back from the Laundromat. I don't remember dreaming, either last night or when I napped. Where have all my dreamings gone? Long time passing!

4118

Egypt is free! Now there begins a difficult period of adjustment and accommodation. May everything go well and that all is done with peace.

PD weight training class felt good today. I was tired and not feeling up to the activity, but once done it felt good. I'm getting sleepy early tonight (I missed taking an afternoon nap) and will soon heed the call to sleep.

Dreamed last night that I was interacting with two other men. We each had something that was wanted by the others. We were jockeying around trying to figure out a way to drop our items and pick up what we were to get back. It was like a puzzle that had a complex solution in order for everyone to be protected from loss and able to retrieve items in return.

My redness and flushing was less today. I think it is a result of yesterday's acupressure session. But, I was feeling tired and not energized more than usual.

4119

Had a movement class and an acupressure session today. Both were wonderful! Especially the acupressure work. I got up from the table feeling whole. My symptoms were virtually non-existent, the flushing/redness was less, and I've felt alive since then. I need more sessions! Have booked one for next week since he's here through those dates. Great!

I saw M.J. Fox on a TV show tonight. He was on an earlier episode and this was a reprise segment. He does well given that he has dyskinesia--although in this episode he was a lot more quiet than he was in the previous segment. Have to hand it to him--he does well given the issues he is dealing with.

Makes me feel like I should be doing more than I am doing. My paltry to-do list is minuscule compared with what others are doing. Have to head for the bed now though. I'm feeling really tired!

4120

Felt really good today and really poorly. Had a period of time this morning, just before doing the PD gait and balance class, when I felt a flow of energy and lightness. After class and eating lunch, I felt heavy and dull. I wanted to sleep but was bothered by flushing and redness. Some return of good energy in the evening with movie night and a huge drop in temperatures outside.

Have a movement class tomorrow and a session with the acupressure person.

Watched the movie The Prestige tonight with the H's. It's a good movie to see again just to untangle more of the story, which is difficult to get on the first pass.

Waiting for the apartment to heat up a bit. It's really cold tonight. Urrr burrr boogie!

4121

PD dance class was uplifting today. I was feeling heavy when I was getting ready to go to the session. Once I was there and we were moving, I felt better. I had a vegetable lunch at the Mediterranean cafe. That seemed to moderate the flushing and redness somewhat. I still had some reaction, but it was less than usual and happened a bit later. I'll continue to reduce the amount of protein tomorrow and see what happens.

Sold off some of the stocks that I've been carrying in a portfolio. Got rid of some old remainders that were hanging around and cashed in half of my computer position. The computer issues hit a high so I thought I should sell some now.

It's getting cool tonight. May have to sleep with the heater running. PD gait and balance class tomorrow.

4122

I had difficulty moving my feet and legs in today's line dance class. They felt heavy and disconnected from my body. I also felt tired during the class. I just wanted to fall asleep. Went to the H's and had a toasted cheese sandwich. I turned red in the face and blushed a few hours afterward, but not as deeply as I've been doing. I'm going to try eating a bland meal tomorrow and see if that mitigates the blushing and redness. I'm feeling that it's related to my diet.

Dreamed last night that I was with a group of kids. There was a stuffed animal that we were dragging around. Inside of the huge stuffed animal there was a real, dangerous animal. We were playing with the stuffed animal even though there was a dangerous creature in it.

Watched a movie tonight called The Prestige. It's about two rival magicians who battle each other on who has the best trick. It's a little slow but has an interesting resolution regarding the magicians and their cohorts. Might be a candidate for movie night.

I'm feeling really logy and tired. I want to take some action on my to-do list (have done a few things) but keep waiting for my energy to materialize. So far, I end up sleeping. The list goes on!

GH had a good turnout for his opening show, Kaddish. Nearly 20 people attended despite the Super Bowl. He was pleased!

4123

Warmed up today! Balmy, Spring-like weather! I slept quite a bit. I did turn red after eating lunch. It's like the food triggered a systemic reaction that made my face turn red, gave me a feeling of being hot and pressurized, and left my skin dry and flaky. After a few hours, things went to normal. Although, I seem to be on the verge of having those reactions if I bend over or lower my head. It's like something messing around with my blood pressure. The root cause might be related to my medication. Oh, joy! It's a pain in the triple heater!

Watched a Polanski movie tonight--Repulsion. I'd seen it before and thought it was grotesque then. It still is but it was interesting to see it again. He did some clever things with the scary parts of the movie and with the main character's state of mind. It's still a depressing film and leaves an aftertaste that's difficult to shake.

A full schedule this week including a session with the acupressure person. Let there be light!

4124

It was a bright early Spring day today. The sunset was magnificent--a heavy splash of colors burning in the sky. And, it warmed up some today. I slept in late despite my avowed intention to get up and do something. I napped some. I rested in the late afternoon. I didn't take much off of my to-do list. I keep expecting an energy surge that never quite materializes. I approach tomorrow with more intentions.

Dreamed a pleasant dream last night about being with some people who were making things happen. They were designing and developing educational apps and were doing really well. They were making plans to expand and that's how I came into the picture (or the dream). My background made me an ideal candidate to join their company. It was understood that I was a lot older than most of their people and that I had medical issues. They were willing to work with me to get around any problems. We were in the CEO's home, which was richly appointed and designed. The whole dream left me feeling happy and excited.

Watched an Antonioni movie L'Aaventura. It was a film that I picked at random. It is a classic film and one that brought him some acclaim despite poor initial response. It was a bit long but interestingly intriguing. I listened to some of the commentary tracks that revealed a lot of insight into how Antonioni worked as a film maker.

4125

PD weight training session was difficult to do today. I was not feeling strong. I had slept in late and could have stayed in bed all day. But, I got up and out. I went to the library and picked up some DVDs and books. In the morning, I was feeling boxed in and without options. This evening and tonight I've been feeling like I'm ready to make some changes. I still didn't feel like driving tonight on the freeways, but I realize I need to take control and start doing something more assertive. Living in the box is not fun.

Watched a movie tonight--Make Way for Tomorrow. It's a vintage film that is spoken highly about in the film critic circles. It was a touching movie that dealt with aging family members and their children's openness to providing support and care.

I read some today on the indications and issues with PD and medication such as I take. I've been on increased dosage for over a month. Not sure that it has helped--in fact it may have increased some of the symptoms--especially those that relate to side effects. It's like a complex puzzle that keeps shifting and changing. Life is a puzzle--and I'm not getting closer to any solutions.

4126

Today's movement class was good. We did a waltz movement that was something different than usual. I led everyone in a line dance variation that was simple and fun. I came back from lunch and went to bed. I had a flush of hotness as I tried to sleep that was intense. My face turned bright red. It was like a reaction to the food I had eaten (a couple of slices of pizza). It was almost like an allergic reaction.

Sold off a slice of my IRA to refill my emergency cash reserve. Will get a distribution from my other IRA in March. Will sell off half of my small number of APPL shares while the price is high. Time to do taxes as well.

Had a joyful set of dreams last night. I can remember the mood in the dreams but not the details. I did recall everything as I awoke, but all slipped away as the morning snoozing took place. I've been thinking a lot about the dilemma I've created for myself. I've shrunk my world of possibilities and can't find a way to break loose. I've got to discover a way to break free. The days are flying past. The winds of time are howling through the night.

4127

Had a session with the dentist early this morning. My gum problems are not getting better despite my increased efforts with hygiene. Dentist indicated that at the next session (in 6 months) if there is further deterioration I might have to have some antibiotic treatments. It would not be as invasive as surgery nor would it be as costly. Not sure there is anything more I can do that is preventative. My mouth's flora just seems to be aggressive. The next three months will tell the tale.

I made it to the PD class this morning despite the dental interlude. I felt alright and we did some floor yoga. I came away from the session with a lot of face redness that continued to exhibit throughout the afternoon. Don't know if the flushing is related to blood pressure or anxiety. May have to schedule a doctor's visit to check things out.

Went to the H's for a movie tonight--Clerks. It is a film by the same director who did Chasing Amy. Clerks was not as good as Amy. It had some funny moments and some bold filming moves. There were really long takes jammed with intricate dialog. All in all, it's not a movie that draws me back to it.

I cashed out some of my IRA today to help underpin this year's budget. All of the turmoil in the Middle East is worrisome. Things in the world are shifting and chasing. Lots of uncertainty!

Got a copy of the PD dance celebration from last year. It is moving, especially the comments from the participants. I look terrible--old, bald, and tight-faced! I looked like I was moving smoothly though. Keep on moving!

4128

I'm losing it! Starting to let things fall through the cracks or getting things mixed up. Got off track last week with the truck heating system failure. Took several days to get things repaired and during this time anxiety increased. I've been foggy and forgetful, and I've been getting things jumbled. Got a reminder call today regarding a dental appointment tomorrow. I thought the appointment was 2/11. The reminder notice was marked Wed 2/11 @ 9am. The 2/11 was the only detail I had seen.

The fogginess also materialized with the dance class on Monday. Today, I had a PD dance class. I felt out of sorts before going to the class and several hours after. I have a PD gait and balance class tomorrow which I may not attend because of the dental session. All of this jumble of days, times, and structure feeds the anxiety levels. The chaos also doesn't help me to process my to-do list.

I watched a movie that didn't help smooth things out--Dogsville! A stilted, stage-like film experiment that started out benign and ended up dark and horrific. Nasty piece of work that carries a fairly high review rating.

Have to head for the bed! Must get up early in the morning in order to get to my dental session.