5775

Seemed like a sliver more energy today. Still slept and rested, but also did morning rituals, went for a walk, ran some errands, visited with my friend P, fixed and ate meals, and did my 3rd chakra exercises later in the day. I read some, researched some (about digestion and monodiets--my digestion seems fairly normalized right now, but had a rather large movement today that was slightly impacted despite the softness of my current diet and recently more regular movements). Anyway, I'm feeling a bit more energized--cooler weather helps, I think.

One monodiet that I found is like a vegetable stew with chopped vegetables, mung beans and rice. Sounds delicious! It's detailed in the Food as Medicine book and is used to help restore a digestive system that has been damaged or compromised. Or I could keep with my fruit/dairy (also monodiet) and bridge in things like the vegetable stew--see what happens, if anything. I know I'm starting to "lust" after different foods beyond my narrow fruit/dairy selections.

I also know that I need to get my digestive system back on track so I'm not a "prisoner" of my diet. Otherwise, I might as well chain myself to the refrigerator (or "icebox" as we used to call them in the South).

Speaking of the South--I got a call from my friend in Memphis who had a stroke. He's moved to Mississippi and is staying with his daughter. His twin brother, who had a heart attack late last year, is recovering and doing well. It was good to hear from him and to learn that they are doing well.

I went to bed a bit early last night and got up earlier this morning. I think I want to keep doing that and not lay abed into the late morning time. So, time to recline into the dreaming world!

5776

Been feeling like I'm getting some increase in energy levels--not monumental amounts, but a few tiny bubbles... May this feeling spread, increase and expand!

Rebecca, who's been working with me on my nutrition, sent a set of musings/meditations by a friend of hers--Perhaps now is the time!

THERE ARE TIMES

by David Ault http://www.davidault.com/new/index.html

There are times when traveling on the same path no longer provides us with the scenic stimulation that is crucial for our evolvement. Maybe something is quietly begging us to break away from the way we've always done it. We've outgrown the job, the career, the relationship. Outgrown doesn't necessarily mean become better than, it simply means we've grown out of the physical, emotional and spiritual fit it once was. An old path for you might be perfect for someone else just as someone else's old path might be refreshingly rewarding for you. Perhaps now is one of those times.

There are times when hugging our troubles no longer brings us comfort. The "poor thing" assurances from others no longer soothe but irritate. We become worn out by our self-subscribed smallness and can't find a reason to toot the horn of mediocrity anymore. Inside we hear a grander instrument calling for us to pick it up and play in a larger orchestra. Perhaps now is one of those times.

There are times when tying life's shoelaces feels more than we can endure. Given that life is here to support and champion our spirit - not diminish or drain it, then maybe what we're being impressed to do is relinquish our grip on the laces and step into a pair of slip-ons instead. Perhaps now is one of those times.

There are times when windows of opportunity appear and for whatever fear based reason, we decline to crawl through them. The thing to remember is that there are other windows. They may appear in a different emotional architecture but we somehow remember that windows are everywhere. To say you missed the only opportunity is like saying you missed your only chance to breathe. Another window is out there, waiting, whispering for you to crawl through its opening. Perhaps now is one of those times.

There are times when planning or strategizing seem for naught - when the current pool of ideas fail and all efforting only creates bigger degrees of disappointment. Dissolving effort means strengthening our allowing and allowing means surrendering to how we think it needs to happen. That kind of surrender requires vacationing from struggle - digging our hands in dirt, picking up a fishing pole, meditating, flying a kite, playing with a child. Perhaps now is one of those times.

There are times when we let our age define what we can and cannot do. We forget that it is simply a number and that our mindset can be ageless. The nonsense of what society claims is age appropriate can be quieted by our own inner guidance - the one that calls us to continue our creative quest no matter how old we are - no matter how much or how little we have created in the past. Something inside begs us to remember our ability to contribute. Perhaps now is one of those times.

There are times when human drama will feel impenetrable. We will find ourselves seduced by it. Like an insatiable hunger, it can control all aspects of our lives as we feed it with our thoughts. The solutions of life wait in expectancy for equal time and attention. When will the experience of solution be as riveting and rewarding as the drama? When will we wake up with the same urgency to feed the solutions? Perhaps now is one of those times.

There are times when our hearts feel broken and irreparable. We walk the tightrope of vulnerability only to discover no external net is there to catch us when we fall. We vow never to attempt such foolhardy acts again, forgetting we were born to walk the high wire of unconditional love. To cease would be like chaining a running stallion. We're aware of the possibility to retrain ourselves to shed conditions and expectations and to love purely without agenda. Our hearts can and do mend - our bodies grow lighter as we contemplate another try. Perhaps now is one of those times.

Yes, there are times when being tired, listless, troubled, fearful, angry, heartbroken will come - for this earth journey certainly offers an emotional bounty. Likewise, there are equal doses of vibrancy, serenity, divine knowing, elation, joy and love - all eagerly awaiting our acceptance. Yes, even in the midst of human tragedy, there is grace. Even in the midst of emotional darkness there is light. And even in the midst of abandonment there is great love. At some point it will click, the remembering will occur and we will return to the simple truth that every event provides us with choice. Every choice creates a reaction. And the reactions set a pattern of conditioning for the quality of our immediate world. There will come a time when we will know this with every fiber of our being and we will choose joy. We will choose to honor our sacred self. We will choose to thrive and we will choose to love all unconditionally. Perhaps now is one of those times.

5777

Picked up a book by the author of Meditation as Medicine, called Food as Medicine. Also checked out a book by Dyer called Inspiration (one of his latest books).

Haven't done my 3rd chakra exercises yet today. Went for a walk this morning and have been dealing with that all day. Needed to rest after the walk. Then felt energized and went to the library and checked my mail. Then needed to sleep some and did so.

Been in this "start-stop" mode all day. Late this afternoon, I started feeling anxious. About? About being in "start-stop" mode and about the noise levels everywhere today. I seem to be noticing them more today--like a slow abrasion against my "peace and quiet."

I know! This too shall pass! Just hope it happens soon. I'm wanting things to change/shift. I'm tired of the same old stuff (food, daily format, tiredness, spurts of energy, etc.). My mono-diet isn't helping (although it is normalizing my digestive process). I'm beginning to crave odd foods (french fries, burgers, and such).

I've developed a collection of aches/pains that have insinuated themselves into my consciousness. I know! These too shall pass! I just wonder why they emerged.

Well, back to reading and a slide into the coolness of the evening.

5778

Spent the day with my 3rd chakra, or thereabouts. Managed to work in a 3rd chakra meditation sequence in the afternoon. It's too much to add it to my morning rituals--so it gets done in the afternoon.

Based on the Meditation as Medicine book, it's about a 30-minute set of pranayama exercises that focus on the 3rd chakra and attendant organs. Felt good to do the exercises, although I still slept quite a bit today in between various actions (laundry, shopping, reading, research, and so forth).

I checked my frequent flyer miles and expiration dates. They are good until the end of 2008. Turns out that I'd have to book flights out into May of next year to get the best rates. Otherwise, I'd have to pay a premium to fly anytime before that.

I also researched retreat centers. I'm feeling like I'd like to explore some form of healing center to help expedite my healing process. It's getting somewhat introverted with me here by myself day after day, and without more contact with people (healers and otherwise).

The Myss site had the following daily message posted today--

"Thought alone, or action without thought, doesn't heal you. You need the chemistry of conscious thought and direction action combined."

Prompted me start looking into what actions I might initiate. My brain is getting mushy from all the thinking I've been doing. Would like to find someone/someplace that's doing the Meditation as Medicine work, but the author seems to be more into longevity and brain work. Will continue to look around for opportunities in that arena.

5779

Read more of Myss's materials on the Anatomy of Spirit and what she has to say about the 3rd chakra. Also got into the Meditation as Medicine book and discovered a wonderful overlap there regarding the chakra system, breathing exercises designed for healing, and specific things to do.

Together, the two books have zoomed in on what I might do to help "call back my spirit," especially with respect to my 3rd chakra. What I'll be doing is adding to my Qigong sessions in the morning or adding a separate activity time during the day focused on my 3rd chakra and associated pranayama exercises.

The "energy" around these additional activities seems like something my "spirit" needs and requires. It's no accident that I ended up grabbing those two books off the shelf at the library. They are precisely what I need at this juncture.

Was blessedly cool today! Wonderful! Too bad about Landis and the Tour de France. Looks like he was dosed. Glad Lance was out of it this year. He would surely have been watched closely given what's been happening to the sport.

Lots of things bubbling in and around me! Feels like time for sea change, a shifting of the currents!

5780

Much cooler today! Wonderful! Some respite from the persistent heat.

Read a moving story in Myss's book (Anatomy of the Spirit). It concerned an American Indian who was captured by the German's in WW II, was tortured, and who ended up in a coma in a camp when he was liberated. He survived and was given braces and crutches that allowed him to hobble about. He returned to his reservation to say goodbye to his people before checking himself into a VA hospital. His tribe were shocked when they saw him. They counseled together and went to him, took off his braces, tied a rope around his waist, and threw him in a deep stream. They told him that he had lost his spirit and that he needed to call it back to him. Or else, they would just let him drown since no one could live without their spirit. He managed to relive his torture and pains, experience his anger and outrage, and emerged from the water. He went on to heal and to walk, and became a great shaman for his people.

I too need to call my spirit back to me. I have lost my spirit and need to call it back. I have spent the day in that manner--and will continue to call out to it and bring it home.

I noticed yesterday in reading her book that my lack of energy was related to the loss of energy in my 3rd chakra (perhaps all of them, but that one in particular). I've begun the process of recovering my energy in that domain. Now, I'm adding to that process the specific calling back of spirit as well.

May I walk again as well! May that be my reality!

5782-5781

Missed making a post yesterday. Went over to SC for a treatment and by the time I got back, ate something, and rested, it was past midnight. Heat was not helping yesterday either.

Did a session with Laura. We worked a lot on my stomach and how it seems to be interacting with my symptoms. I got a shock when I was waiting for my session. She had been working with a man before I arrived and he was leaving as I waited. He exhibited heavy tremor, loss of motion, difficulty turning his body, problems walking, and more. How fortunate I am to be in the state that I am in and not as he is.

Seeing him made me wonder if I will end up as he is--couldn't help but think those thoughts. He had a caretaker with him who helped him navigate and who drove him there. Made me think a lot about what I'm doing (and not doing) to create my full recovery.

Been reading a book by Carolyn Myss, Anatomy of the Spirit. She maps out the energy centers and how they affect/influence healing and health. I'm getting a lot from it, especially the sections dealing with the third center (chakra). She talks about where a person might be losing energy and the third center, which deals with stomach/intestinal issues looks like my hot spot.

Restoring that center would be wonderful for my energy levels. The author is going to be here in San Francisco next month, but her talk is sold out. Aside from her books and lectures, she does intuitive medical diagnostic sessions.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm going to need to put more focus around my healing activities--not be so freeform in what I'm doing. How so, I am uncertain. I just notice that I seem to be ready for more direct work, more concrete intervention. Time to work with the third energy center and stop the energy leakage.

5783

Must have reached 105 degrees today in the mid-afternoon. Hopefully, it will be cooler tomorrow. I'll be heading over to SC for a treatment, which will be done partly with AC.

Reading through several of the books I picked up from the library--in between heat spells...

Not going to cool down quickly tonight so another evening of broken sleep.

5784

At one point today the temperature was around 100 degrees and with the humidity it felt like 105! L got a reading of 107 on her patio. I think we're getting the effects of global warming.

It's still around 90 degrees now and not cooling rapidly. Tomorrow? More of the same. I feel like a sponge!

Went to the library today (it's AC'd) and picked up several books on healing. Quite a few books on the subject. Trying to get some other perspectives on what I can be doing to help the process along--other than move to a cooler climate. The heat's not letting me rest fully during the day or night now. Still have several more days before we get any relief.

Landis has just about sewn up the Tour de France! Amazing riding! Looks like he's set to take the last stage and the win...

5785

It's HOT! So WHAT! Spread it around until it's NOT!

Too warm even though it's nearing 10PM... More heat in the morrow!

Best thing I did all day was take a shower in cold water... Felt so good!

Signing off for the day!

5786

Still H-O-T! And then some... Nearly 8pm and it's barely starting to cool down. Didn't get out today except for my morning walk, which was done early but was still warm.

Continue to do dairy/fruit and it seems to be working digestion-wise. If it just were cooler!

Couple of hotter days are in the forecast. So more of the same. That's the name of the game! Heat! Heat! And still repeat!

Short and sweet posting tonight--to hot to jot!

5787

Heat wave! Never cooled down last night. Became another warm day--too warm for comfort!

Digestion continues to normalize, it seems. Helps that I am having to drink a lot of water and that I'm ingesting coconut oil. Will need to resupply myself when I go over to SC on Monday.

Picked up some Dryer's Ice Cream (Vanilla Bean) that doesn't have eggs. Their plain vanilla and vanilla bean are eggless. Vanilla-vanilla and French Vanilla both have eggs. Nothing like reading the fine print!

Slept and rested earlier in the day before the heat moved in. Finished the book by the Moroccan writer and found I couldn't read a story collection by Barth. Returned them to the library and picked up two more--a collection of horror stories and a SciFi novel (I think--it's difficult to tell from the opening chapters).

Ice cream and books to read. The more I read the more I find I want to write. But, don't have the stamina yet to start doing so. Maybe soon that will change. I continue to shove food down thinking that at some point things will click and start working.

Friend sent me a link to Ho'opnopono site--a Hawaiian form of healing. My son and I also exchanged notes regarding prayer and healing, and what the bible has to say about a "jealous god". His message contained links to a Bible Gateway site where you can easily search for words and phrases in context (http://www.biblegateway.com/)--cool site!

Getting late but not getting much cooler... another hot day in the morrow!

5788

Met with the men's team tonight! Was good to see everyone again after a long hiatus. Everyone is doing well--and that makes me feel better. Good to hear about some wins for a change.

RR is awesome! He's taken control of his life and turned everything around. It was a long evening, but was worth the time. I feel like I've been given a boost in seeing everyone again.

I'm also a bit worn down from it all and need to hit the bed soon. The apartment complex is buzzing tonight--lots of people milling about and making noise. But, it will all subside soon...

Got a helpful message from my son over in Stockton regarding prayer and praying. Good to hear from him and to get his advice. I'll practice what he suggests--that I'm already healed and only need to give thanks for being so... What he says rings true!

5789

H-O-T! And more of the same looking like it's headed this way. Stays bearable until about 2pm then the heat sets in.

Still working with dairy and fruit. Don't think I'll experiment with changes for a while. Digestion seems to be normalizing somewhat so I don't want to mess with the mixtures right now. It's nice to have some sense that things are settling down. Now, if it were only cooler as well.

Picked up a book today, Hope and Other Dangerous Pursuits, by a Moroccan woman. Interesting stories, set in that part of the world. I've almost read the whole collection already. I can escape somewhat from my symptoms by burying myself in a book.

Been a longish day! Waiting for the cooling night!

5790

Hot one, today! Went from a pleasant morning to a scorching afternoon without a lot of relief from the winds. I managed to sleep/rest some in the morning before the heat descended.

Been waiting to see if my constant and steady diet (fruit/dairy) is going to make a difference in my energy levels. I spoke with one of the men's team members last night, one that had disappeared several months ago while dealing with a severe illness. His voice, last night, was back to full volume--he sounded really clear and healthy. It shocked me to hear the timbre in his voice.

I admit I felt jealous of his good fortune. If him, why not me? Of course, he's put in the work to make it happen--125 days, he said, of being sober and off the addictive medications they had him on. He sounded recovered and whole. Can't wait to see him later this week. His recovery gave me hope along with a jealous twinge. I too wish to be recovered and to not be weak and whirling in small circles.

I intend to recover! What else do I need to be doing to make that my reality? I ask the universe for guidance and direction!

5791

Hot day! Winds are keeping it down a bit, but the temperatures are rising!

Awoke somewhat later than usual today. It was muggy last night and I don't think I slept that well, despite feeling pretty good in the evening. Felt heavy this morning, and slow.

Did morning rituals and came back and slept some more. L called and we met for a light lunch (I had a smoothie) and I returned to the hot box and my mono-diet. Hanging in until things begin to cool down some. Ate a makeup dish when I came back from having a smoothie--not sure if there was much in it other than sugar and ice. Ate 1/2 apple with yogurt, coconut oil and some chevre cheese--hearty makeup!

Reading Lynn's Year of Fire stories. Very eclectic--set in India, Ohio, near and far. A mix of themes with good characterization. Also reading my way into the Japanese author's "dream" stories or episodes. They make me antsy! I keep thinking, "I could have written this!" They are like dream reports. Oh, well! When I can think clearly, perhaps.

Unless I am reading, I have difficulty focusing, concentrating. Reading seems to work, but thinking doesn't. My mind is definitely a "monkey mind" and hops around until I read, eat or sleep. Speaking of eating, it's nearly time for the 5PM installment. Mango, blueberries and cheese, please! Dish it up!

5792

...and then again, maybe rennetless cheese is working! Too few data points so far, but today's digestive activities was encouraging. I've still got about a week's supply of rennetless dairy, which I plan on using up. I'll keep things steady for the next several days and monitor what happens.

For the record, here's what I had today--protein shake (with prune juice, pineapple juice, kefir, protein powder, brewer's yeast, malted milk, banana and blueberries), banana (with cottage cheese and coconut oil), 1/2 apple (with 1 ounce of cream cheese), 1/2 apple (with yogurt and coconut oil), 1 ounce marscapone cheese (with blueberries), dish of ice cream (with mango and blueberries). These were consumed about every two hours, starting around 9AM. In addition, I took supplements with each portion and had 1 ounce of aloe vera juice (concentrate) three times during the day.

This set of items is about what I've had each day this week. On some days, I've six portions and a seventh, late night snack as well. As noted in a previous post, this collection of food delivers between 1,500 and 1,700 calories, which is more than I've been getting prior to this. The coconut oil helps raise the calorie count. Most of the calories are from fats, but that's OK for now--I don't need to lose more weight.

Reading two sets of short stories: Realm of the Dead (a collection by a Japanese writer who helped establish modern Japanese fiction) and Year of Fires (a collection of stories, some of which take place in India).

Managed to get out for a haircut today--I look really gaunt with shorter hair, but my butterfat diet will remedy that soon enough. It's L's birthday today! Left a card!

I'm experiencing mood swings this week--ups and downs, and all arounds! I was really aware, this morning, how I felt fairly symptom-free as I got up, did Qigong, drank my shake, and went for a walk. I feel, consistently, quite good for a couple of hours when I arise. Then, symptoms creep back into consciousness as the day unfolds. I feel sort of like a cranky engine that's sometimes sputtering and backfiring, sometimes running smoothly. The state of my digestion today (smoothing out), left me grateful and feeling good. May that state become my reality!

5793

Well, rennetless cheese didn't seem to make a whole lot of difference in my digestive process. Will finish out the ones I'm working with, but don't think it has much of an effect. Basically, my digestive process is just weak and is struggling to keep up no matter what I'm eating.

Fruit and dairy is fairly low in bulk, which may also be affecting what's happening. Oh, well! I'll finish off what I've got and consider shifting to more veggies and rice to get some bulk and some variety. Also, I still want to run the day-long Master Fast experiment to see how emptying affects my symptoms.

I've been fairly low energy today despite my "loading" yesterday with lots of calories. I was wondering if it was going to have any affect on today's energy balances--doesn't seem to have in any way. I'll still "load" again today (and onward) so that I'm getting enough calories to maintain/increase my weight. Doing so can't be bad since I don't need more weight loss. Ingesting coconut oil to help increase the calories (and eating ice cream--my late night treat).

Warm today! Not scorching, but muggy-warm. Trying to get organized to make a run to the library, but find myself flopping about. One book is due back and I can't renew again online, so I need to get up and get going. Taking back the Lance Armstrong book (USA not doing as well in the Tour de France without him) and the Karnaze Ultramarathon Man book. Both were inspirational.

Almost Bastille Day (7/15)! France has a lot happening (World Cup, Tour, Bastille Day, and ??)! Vive la France!

5794

Another "sleepy" day--meaning I've gotten my share of sleep. Awoke around regular time (from a coolish night), did my rituals, went for a walk, and then did my laundry. AL (after laundry), I came back, ate one of my food installments, and promptly fell asleep. Rest of day has been like a rerun--wake up, eat, go back to sleep.

It's finally become too warm to rest comfortably as the sun heads for the horizon.

Lots of thoughts today about the future and what I will do as my story unfolds. I can "hang out" in my present state (or some variation of it) for another 18 months, if need be (and let's hope it's not), but eventually I need to find a place to settle down, a place that will support my health conditions, whatever they may be. Actually, even if I stay in the area beyond my lease, I'd like to find a quieter, more "personal" space than the one I'm in now.

The SC people keep telling me that I'm progressing quickly (from their vantage point having seen lots of people go through the process), but for me it's like a glacial pace in terms of progress. Rebecca, on Monday, said she wished she had a set of videos of what others have done so I could calibrate where I am and what's been accomplished. I wish those tapes existed--it would help me quiet my mind regarding my progress.

Meanwhile, I eat, I sleep and I eliminate (sometimes)--all that I need to do on the path that I'm traveling. May the health angels be my steady companions no matter what. May all beings be well and happy! Shanti! Shanti! Shanti!

5795

Cool day! Brisk breeze knocks the edge off the heat. Was a bit late getting up. Wanted to sleep more.

Yesterday was a full day for me. Up early to do morning rituals (except no walk) and went to the dentist for a hygiene. Had a lot of buildup even though I've been brushing twice a day (dental hygienist said that I wasn't brushing aggressively enough) and just had a hygiene 3 months ago.

Anyway, finished up the dental appointment and came back home, rested, ate and then took off for Santa Cruz. Had a treatment session with Rebecca followed by a clearing on nutrition issues. By then, it was almost 8pm, which made it a full day for me. I was feeling energetic though and blasted home, ate a bit and went to bed.

Treatment revolved around imaging heart, brain, stomach (digestive track), and right arm connections. Experienced a lot of clearing and rebuilding of things. Came away from session quite still and clear.

In the nutrition review, we determined that I should continue with supplements and then run tests to see where things are then versus what they were initially. We talked about me shifting my diet yet again to just veggies and rice to see if my digestion evens out. Dairy and fruit are still not the solution, it seems, although I am continuing for a while using rennetless cheeses. My thought is that eventually I'll end up with a combination of rice and veggies, and fruit and rennetless cheeses. We'll see soon!

Today, I'm feeling a bit in need of extra rest and sleep, although the morning protein shake has kicked in an afterburner. Time for my next food and supplement installment. What a clear, bright day! Like Spring instead of Summer!

5796

It's been a busy, long day, but worth the ride.

Made it to the dentist and over the hill to Santa Cruz for a session with Rebecca. All, overall, went well! But, it's getting late and I'm going to have to crash--will fill in the blankoids in the morrow! Oh, Yeah!

5797

Warmish day, but what the hey! Was not as toasty as yesterday, but it's still cooling down even as I hit the keys.

Been reading up on rennet--the stuff they put in cheese to make the milk clot. There are three types of clotting ingredients: animal rennet, vegetable "rennet" (not really rennet since true rennet only comes from animals), and microbial enzymes. I started reading because I'm having some difficulty digesting the hard cheeses I've been eating. Cottage cheese and some other cheeses are made without clotting ingredients. The hard cheeses I've been eating were made with animal rennet! Hmmm!

Looks like if I want to stick to a fruit and dairy menu with cheeses then I may have to only buy rennetless products. Will be interesting to experiment. The dietary/assimilation distinction between cow and goat cheeses may not be as important as whether or not they were made with animal rennet.

A related issue: had some trouble over the last two days with my digestive track. Cleared it out today, and voila, had a short cessation of symptoms. This event is somewhat like the experiment that I'm planning where I do a 1-day fast, clean out and then return to my regular diet. Very interesting!

Have a dental hygiene appointment in the morning and then a treatment session later in the day over in SC. Will be a full day, but at the moment doesn't seem like a big deal--since my energy is up right now. Hmmmm! Here's to rennetless cheese!

5798

Hot day! Despite a tempering breeze, it got warm again today. I got up and did my morning rituals, including a walk, but then took a rest/nap before my next food installment. So went the day and I have just emerged into consciousness after a long warm afternoon.

I read quite a bit today, but didn't go anywhere or do anything except feed myself, repeatedly.

The trip over to SC yesterday took its toll today (nice alliteration!). Hopefully, will be more functional tomorrow--feeling somewhat better now that it's cooling down and my brain is starting to work.

Been studying my symptoms more closely. For example, there are three states that the tremor-related symptoms fall into--stillness (occasional state, although can be induced when I'm napping or sleeping), sense of "pressure" on my right side, mostly in my head above my right ear, although it sometimes is felt in the body), and shaking/pulsing of the right arm (varies in intensity and where it originates in the arm--hand, forearm, bicep, etc.).

The first state is the absence of the last two states. The last two states can occur separately or at the same time. The "pressure" state is the most disconcerting--it absorbs my whole attention and I cannot seem to do anything else. It's also the most tiring. The arm tremor is noticeable, but not as distracting as the "pressure" state. Having both "pressure" and tremor is definitely distracting.

The diet/assimilation issue is another symptom that seems to be independent of "pressure" and tremor. It persists (in some ways more so than "pressure" and tremor), provides a continuous backdrop as I choose and eat foods, and keeps me from putting undivided attention on the other symptoms and recovery process. I feel I need to get this issue stabilized before I can make large strides with everything else. Or, I need to find a way to focus on the various issues in some coherent way--so that I address all and leave out or diminish none.

After four months of working with these issues more on my own, I've reached a point where I can no longer just wait for a breakthrough to occur. I need to create a breakthrough, make it happen. Otherwise, I feel like I'll be stuck in this purgatory forever--which I already feel has happened--I feel like it's already been forever. Time to change course! To reroute the train!

5799

Came home to a toasty apartment. With no crossdrafts happening, because of closed front door, the temp in the apartment went to the warm side... felt like it was in the 90's when I opened the door...

Good session with Rebecca on nutrition (see her Monday on the illness/symptoms)... She confirmed that the way I'm eating and what I'm eating is working for now and that I should continue as long as it's working. She suggested that I add coconut oil to the diet (put it in shakes, drink it in water, pour it on stuff) to up my calorie load to help me maintain/gain weight.

She also suggested that I not eat things with eggs since I tested negative to them. Those dishes include the two puddings I'm eating (tapioca and rice) and my ice cream. She suggested making my own puddings using coconut milk and getting an ice cream (Strauss) that's made without eggs.

She reassured me that I am making progress (beyond the norms) and that I'm actually doing well energy-wise--for the short period of time I've been working... To be patient!

Given that I've had more than one (now) experience of being symptom-free, she proposed doing an experiment where I do a 1-day Master Fast and clean myself out and then go back to my regular diet on the 2nd day--to see if the PD symptoms go away and for how long. Her thought is that if my "emptiness" is allowing my system to rest and recover (for some period of time), could we make it happen and perhaps lengthen the up times that have occurred! Worth a try! Simple enough to do! All of my moments (minutes, hours, day) of up time have happened while I was doing something around food consumption or digestion intervention. (Like the day L brought the frittata and fruit salad to M&E's place.)

I did some research regarding eating fruits and protein. Seems like it's the acidic fruits that don't combine well with animal (or dairy) protein. For example, grapefruit and steak. Melons don't combine with anything--best eaten alone. Sweet fruits and dairy seem to work ok together.

Supposed to be a warm day tomorrow--mid 80's. Have to finish off the ice cream I have that has eggs so I can find and try a good vegan ice cream. Looked up Dharma's menu on the web--they have a vegan raspberry tapioca dessert. Have to give it a try!

5800

Sweet lychee milk tea with tapioca bubbles. It's what I had for lunch.

Met with my daughter around lunchtime and we went to an Asian milk tea place. Interesting stuff! I had mine without tea, but it was delicious, cool, and tasty. Sort of works into my fruit and dairy diet.

Seeing the hordes of people scarfing up all manner of foods made me nostalgic for eating everything. I'll see the nutritionist tomorrow and can get some sense of what I can do to restore my system. It's working so-so with just fruits and dairy--not really fully functioning still. It's been fasted, cleaned, detoxed, rested, given only simple foods to deal with, and it's still struggling. I've been dealing with this issue now for nearly two years. I'm ready for a breakthrough! (And I don't mean an ulcer!)

I gave my daughter a collection of photographs of her when she was around 2 years old. They show her as really happy and having fun. When she gets into a funk, may they remind her of some of the good times she's experienced.

Roasty, toasty day, today! Hope it's cooler over the hill tomorrow.

5801

Been reading like crazy. Finished the latest Lance Armstrong book--lots of good thoughts therein--inspiring and makes me want to "get going" instead of paddling in circles like I've been doing.

Picked up (today) Karnase's Ultramarathon book about his running feats (and feets). Amazing endurance feats running non-stop for 100's of miles. Crazy, but also inspiring--shows what the human body can do if pushed beyond rational limits. Makes me want to start running once again!

Still working with a fruit/dairy diet. Did some research trying to find out if there's any downside to such a focused set of food choices. Fruits are detoxing and can help with weight loss (which I don't need help with since I've already dropped so much weight). Dairy should help with weight gain, but would do so slowly compared to a full diet. But, I'm feeling well doing what I'm doing right now and will stick with it until I see the nutritionist on Friday.

Energies today were good in the morning, poor in afternoon (in and out at times), and up again as evening falls. It's been that pattern for several months. Maybe I need to do an ultramarathon! Maybe my digestion would warp back into place if I did!

5802

4th of July! Boom!

Below are a set of questions posed by Rebecca regarding my digestion issues, and my replies (in bold)--

****************************
Of course I am wondering how you are now and trust you have been making careful observations and notes. You are your own science fair project! Truly, your careful observations help you to help yourself, help me to help you, and could very well provide some important info that helps others as well.

The "clear" state lasted about a day and a half--then the PD symptoms returned along with being tired and needing to sleep a lot...

I have read your emails a few times and am a bit confused. In the first email you wrote about the awful experience you went through of impaction that you finally cleared both manually and with the help of the smooth move tea. What do you think contributed to the impaction in the first place? That is what is confusing me. Maybe you are puzzled by it too.

Am definitely puzzled... My digestion had evened out as I switched to taking aloe vera juice... I thought I had finally found the key to the digestion problems... The last food that I ate before my system impacted was the two salads from Staff of Life (mixed cabbage salad and a ginger/brown rice asian-style salad).

How did you do while you were on the Clearvite program? Did you have any constipation then? Were you using Aloe Vera juice daily throughout that time? How much and how often?
During the 19 days I was on the program, I had constant problems with easy eliminations... Initially, I used triphala to help things along and switched to aloe vera juice (1 ounce concentrated juice three times a day)... both seemed to be working, but eliminations were still not easy... Definitely had problems when I tried to eat animal protein (salmon), but was having trouble with everything...

What foods did you eliminate from your diet during the clearvite program?

All of the foods on the "avoid" list (including dairy)and animal protein from the OK-to-eat list... I was eating mostly grains, beans, veggies, and light amounts of fruit...

Did you stay 100% away from the foods we discovered you are making antibodies to?

Yes! Had no soy products or eggs...

If you were doing okay on the Clearvite program, when you came off that program what did you add to your diet, and was that the culprit causing the severe constipation?

As noted above, the last foods I ate were the two salads from Staff of Life... The impaction occurred the next day (I had bowel movements, easy ones, the day I ate those items)... Could have been something in one of the salads, but they were not different from things I had been eating... My digestion/elimination throughout was not easy--it was like my system just hit a wall in terms of its processing abilities...

In your most recent email you write of an almost complete elimination of rebellious qi symptoms once your digestive tract was empty. That is such very interesting information! I am very anxious to hear more about that and how you are eating now and what your experience is.

Yes, when I was finally "empty," I had the experience of feeling my body being that way--completely empty of any residual food items--and the PD symptoms stopped. They were gone for about 1.5 days and came back as I began to eat. After 2 days, they were back pretty much as they were before the impaction--but slightly less since I was eating lightly, eating small amounts, and my digestive track isn't plugged up... I've stuck to eating just fruit and dairy up until now and have restarted making a smoothie with protein powder in the mornings (may start doing two a day to make sure I'm getting enough protein)... Have restarted taking supplements, but fewer numbers to start with to see how they affect my system (the pill pile is larger than the food portions that I'm eating)...

Eating small amounts frequently is actually a very healthy way to eat. Most of us just don't have schedules that allow for that kind of life style. It is known to be a wonderful way to help heal the adrenal glands! And, we know you need to do that. So you are definitely on the right track with that regimen!

I hope your energy is continuing to be up and that you are respecting it and NOT pushing yourself. Remember, you are recovering from an illness you had for a long time. You must conserve your energy so your cells have all the energy they need for the healing process. It is so easy, when energy comes up after a long time without it, to go out and spend it all at once. Resist that temptation.

Was easy to resist... only lasted 36 hours or so... since then, I've been back to my previous state (do something, rest, do something, rest)... :(

How are you doing with the supplements now. You had stopped them. Were they causing you problems?

Have restarted them but not full amounts--phasing them in to make sure they're not doing anything to my system... Far as I know, they weren't causing problems, but they may have been contributing in some way--I don't know...

It makes sense to listen to what your body seems to want related to the protein powder, using those last few servings of Clearvite, etc. What is happening with you and the protein issue now? Can you handle it? If it is causing you problems, it may mean you need more tablets of HCL-Prozyme when you eat protein. You may be having problems due to an insufficiency of hydrochloric acid.

I've restarted making a protein powder smoothie in the mornings and may extend to afternoons/evenings to see if I can get my energy levels up... I'm also eating dairy (yogurt, cheese, kefir, cottage cheese) for protein, but otherwise I've not had any animal protein or veggies for the past week... Frankly, if the only way I can eat and digest animal protein is with massive amounts of HCL-Prozyme, I'd rather not eat animal protein... I feel the same about veggie protein, but may have to accommodate for them if I can't live on fruit and dairy alone... (I met a monk once who supposedly lived on a piece of fruit and a small glass of milk each day--and prana!)

At some point in one of your emails you said something about the possibility of a dairy allergy. You have been eating dairy as part of the regimen you designed for yourself. Does dairy seem okay for you at this time?
I was hypothesizing about touching the dairy cartons and that being enough to cause the impaction... But, I'm supposedly OK with dairy products--and I've lived on them for the past week without any apparent problems--long term is perhaps another issue. The dairy I've been ingesting tastes great (I added ice cream to my larder--Yumm!) and seems to agree with me and my digestive track...

Have you been able to do yoga? qi gong? dancing? daily walks? other.....?
Do some yoga at home, do Qigong every day (morning for sure, sometimes before bed), walk daily (no problems with legs/movements--just get tired sometimes)... Had to stop dance classes and dancing--too much energy required--hope to start back in the Fall...

Do you do visualization and meditation? How often?
Every day in some form or another... When I lay down to rest/nap, I often do so by doing some visualization (seeing myself healthy, being symptom free, being fully energetic, etc.)... I also might meditate at those times using chants or mantras (Om Mani Padme Hung Sarva Shanting Kuruve Soha--Tibetan mantra asking the Buddha of Compassion/Wisdom to remove any illness)...

Any good inspirational reading to tell me about?
Just read Lance Armstrong's Every Second Counts book... Lots of good stuff in it... Such as ..."pain/discomfort is temporary; quitting is forever!" Also reading an interesting book about being "called" titled Do You Hear What I Hear? It's written by a non-religious woman who's trying to figure out why her father, late in life, wants to become a priest.

5803

Quiet day! Not many people around today. Most had to work. A neighbor received a load of dirt, rocks, and pieces of stonework. That delivery was noisy, but didn't last that long. Still, this place is the noisiest of any place I've ever lived.

Reading the Lance Armstrong book. He talks about sleeping 20 hours a day during his recovery. Guess I'm not sleeping all that much relative to what he did--had to do.

I've been thinking a lot about what I need to be doing to help me recover. I've mostly been waiting, resting, and dealing with my stomach issues and diet concerns. But, I'm getting really tired of not moving forward in some fashion, some concrete way. I'm beginning to realize how much I sit and wait--wait for circumstances to overwhelm the stillness and the waiting.

I'm beginning to realize that I need to be more proactive, but the question is in what ways? Most of what I've ever done has not led to great outcomes. This illness and what I'm doing about it, with it, is turning out to be more of the same. I'm starting to notice that I'm going to have to do something no matter what the illness does. If I recover (completely, partially), I need to have a plan. If I don't recover, I still need a plan.

As I said (I think yesterday), I keep falling asleep thinking that I'm going to awaken recovered. That's what happened last week for a day, but it did not sustain or build. The next day, I was drifting back into fog(s), instead of it being better.

I'm feeling like there's something I need to be doing to shift the results around. I don't know what that might be, but I know I need to discover what it might be, soon. Months have gone by and new months are forming. I know I don't want to still be waffling about like I am now four months from now. I rested enough to be recovered. Despite my ability to continue to rest and sleep, I think it's time for a change of patterns--perhaps even a change of scene! Hmmm! What might that be? How do I make it happen? What kind of change is needed?

5804

Still working with reduced food portions and staying with dairy/fruit, but did make a protein powder smoothie this morning. Felt like I needed the boost. Have been slightly hungry all day and energy still not at maximum levels. Did make two loops today on walking route (one morning and one in afternoon), but also slept a lot.

Smoothie tasted great! I mixed protein powder, blueberries, 1/2 banana, prune juice, pineapple juice, and kefir. Was totally tasty! Picked up some malted milk and ice cream (french vanilla) to help add flavors to future concoctions. Looks like I'll need to make at least one drink a day to maintain nutrition/protein levels.

It's nice to have things relatively stabilized, but it's also been 4 months now since I've moved into this place. Four months and not much done or changed--I'm still wrestling with making it through each day. Mornings are usually ok, but afternoons are lost. I recover a bit in the evenings and read some before falling asleep for the night.

Last week's energy recovery and symptom disappearance were heartening, but not being able to sustain those conditions is disappointing. I had hoped for more.

So in the meantime, I continue to look for the key that will unlock my full restoration. I fall asleep every night expecting that I will awaken recovered and fully functional. I've had a couple of days when that's happened, but the other 100+ days have not been as kind.

I want to get back to dancing, to yoga, and get to the spa for some weight work--but I've got to find the energy to make those things possible.

The book I'm reading about religion and being "called" is interesting. It deals with an older man who wants to become an Episcopalian priest and his daughter's search into why he's wants to do so. In trying to understand what he's doing, she has to unravel why he and her mother ended up divorced, and the impact on her and her sister. It's called Do You Hear What I Hear?

Also reading Lance Armstrong's 2nd book--Every Second Counts. It's about living life fully so that every second does count. Both books have things that speak to me around what I'm doing (or not doing) and what I'm experiencing right now. No accidents!

5805

July 1. Another month has expired!

Continuing with small portions of fruit and dairy products, but losing traction in the energy department. Starting to feel hungry despite nearly continuous infusions of food. May have to make a protein drink in the morrow to see if that helps fill the gap. Still reluctant to reintroduce any bulky food items, but may have to do so in a staged fashion. The thing I can't do is just start eating everything in any order. I've proven what results that produces.

Today had fruit (banana, apple, figs, papaya, juices) mixed with dairy (cheeses, cottage cheeses, kefir, yogurt) and both tapioca and rice puddings. Had at least six servings of stuff--one about every two hours starting around 9am. Everything was tasty (figs and cheeses), but finding that I want to eat even more.

Picked up some new books from the library today. Lance Armstrong's newest book, a book by a non-religious person that examines the call to religious life, and a set of short stories by an Israeli writer (a set of stories about people/places called A Good Place for the Night).

All have been engaging. I read a hunk of each one since I picked them up this afternoon.

I got up and did my rituals this morning including going for a walk. Just was not as energetic as yesterday (fairly) or the day before (greatly). I realize that what happened Thursday was a "peak" and that everything would settle back some, but I couldn't help but hope for an even longer period of feeling "right."

But, it was a glimpse into what it will be like when the state sustains. There is hope!

There was a statement in Armstrong's book to the effect that the experience of pain is transitory--quitting is forever! I am not in great pain, more like great discomfort--mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Last Thursday, I experienced not having the discomfort for quite some time. May that condition become my permanent reality!