5442

Awoke at 6am today. Did exercises and then walked down to motel where Sonsie's mother and grandmother stayed last night. We then carpooled to the graduation. We got there with time to spare. Ceremonies started late, but ended around 11:30am. We then went back to Sonsie's apartment and loaded the cars with her stuff. We then went to Hobee's for lunch. I had a fruit smoothie, which was delicious. Got back home around 1pm. It was a full day for me. I was in a cog-fog most of the time. Couldn't jack myself out of the fuzziness. Tremor was not that bad, but cog-fog was heavy. Eased up some once I got back home and slept for a while.

So was a mixed day. Glad I made it to the graduation and got to see my daughter get her diploma. She got an AA in Business Admin and Computer Technology. Now she's off to SacState in the fall.

Felt badly that I was so fuzzy and couldn't just enjoy everything. But, got some data points on how I might react as I move out of my cave (cocoon). Brought me back to thinking about moving--about finding some cozy place that's quieter and more conducive to "monking" it. Too much stimulation (as experienced today) seemed difficult to manage. Don't totally understand why this is so, but it seems to be. Couldn't help but contrast/compare with people I saw today--some in wheelchairs, others struggling to navigate the steep bleachers, people with canes and crutches, and so on. Sonsie's 90-year old grandmother who'd made the trip over, stayed overnight, and was up and going at 8am this morning. Me? I've barely a problem by comparison, yet I'm inundated with what seem to be issues that I can't overcome.

A friend sent me a note about a set of videos (go to YouTube and search for "fire the grid") regarding an upcoming event, Fire the Grid (firethegrid.com)! Amazing story by this woman, Shelly Yates, regarding an automobile accident that she and her son survived and what got triggered in her. There are 8 short videos. The first four give the major parts of the accident story. The worldwide event is scheduled for 07/17/07. Maybe a hint of sanity in a world going crazy!

I'm grateful for an eventful day! May there be many more!

5443

Countdown to graduation! Daughter collects diploma tomorrow. Early in the morning! Her mother and her grandmother will be there. A small reunion, if we manage to find each other. Could be as many as 5,000 people there. I have to prepare some tonight for the expedition. If her 90-year old granny can get there from Sacramento, I should be able to get there from a few miles away.

Today, I've been on my regular routine. Slept some several times today. Hasn't been too warm today, but warming up now. I've been edgy today--not exactly still--having episodes of symptoms. Partly anxiety (maybe only thing) triggering stuff. Been ruminating back and forth about my state of being--wishing it were more solid, more robust. Wondering when it will be so.

Fell asleep last night on the floor and had to get up and move to the bedroom when I finally awoke. Not exactly a good rest but I had slept a fair amount during the day. Each day/night is a new experience--no way to guess what is going to happen. Be here now! Be somewhere some time!

5444

Day went by quickly. Didn't do anything particularly time consuming. Paid bills, slept some and ate. Symptoms fairly moderate today. Stayed slightly fuzzy for most of the day, but marginal compared to "bad" days.

Dinner at DeeDee's! I'm making it a point to eat there more regularly. It's a good meal balanced against my other foods (dairy, fruit, grains, chocolate milk, etc.).

Feeling clearer as I eat simply, sleep if I have to do so, exercise (I've resumed lifting light weights in the afternoon), meditating/concentrating, and staying calm.

Tomorrow nothing special planned--just getting ready for daughter's graduation on Saturday. Wouldn't miss that event. Then, onward to healing/recovery I go. Onward and onward. Let the real times roll!

5445

Laundry day! Some respite today from symptoms. They abated in the afternoon. I slept some today (late morning) and early afternoon. I've been practicing Hong-Sau breath watching whenever I can. Picked up more detailed instructions on the technique. I plan to stick with it and build the practice into my daily routines.

Was a cooler day today and is cooling down now. No dreams from last night. Had some but lost them in the mists.

Want to feel like I did this afternoon all of the time. Energy arise! Health arise! Clarity arise! Breathe and dream--find the stillness there--find it and keep it.

The contrast between my low points (usually when I have to sleep) and my high points (when I feel clear and still) is pronounced. Sleep seems to knit "the raveled sleeve," but in unpredictable ways. All I can do is keep on keeping on! Follow the bouncing bladder!

5446

CIA dream last night. I was a member of a training group of new intelligence agents. We were being given a briefing at a coastside resort. There was an expansive beach area with dozens of small shops and eating places. We were meeting in a hotel, which was at one end of the beach. Right away, we were challenged regarding our adherence to security procedures. We were all found guilty of letting friends and family know where we were. We were admonished for being so lax.

At one point, I was walking down through the shops and along the beach. I found a rock that I wanted to take back with me. I put it in a flower bed next to one of the cafes. I was going to retrieve it later on a subsequent trip. As we were leaving the area at the end of the training, the man who was driving me asked if I wanted to swing by and pick up the rock. I told him that I planned on retrieving it on a subsequent return trip. He shrugged and pulled us into traffic. There was a highway that led away from the area. It went into the hills that surrounded the beach. It was dark and rainy. I knew I'd be back that way.

It was hot and muggy last night. Fell asleep on the living room floor. Awoke when it got cool and went to bed. Awoke early. Did exercises, ate, and went for a walk. Nice breeze this morning. Have slept on and off today. Went for lunch at DeeDee's. Feel pretty good except for needing to sleep. Been warm and muggy this afternoon. Ready for the cooldown. Did some light exercise this afternoon--felt good, but am not really strong. Onward and onward!

5447

Warmed up today! Hotness everywhere. Too hot to sleep.

Awoke feeling fairly good. After lunch, symptoms started creeping into awareness. Was in fairly good state last night. Finished the Buddhist fiction anthologies. Great set of stories. Unique!

Neighbor's cat is parked outside my door. Asking for its dinner, I suppose. Or complaining about the heat--or both.

Last night, as I went to bed, I could get a sense of what it would be like to be past this state of low energy. I could envision myself waking up, still having the surge of energy, and ready to charge onward with life. There was still some of that feeling when I awoke, but a few hours into the day and I was horizontal once again. Then I started spiralling away.

Has to be some way to shift all of this. I've been working a lot this past few days with the Hong-Sao breathwork. It should be energizing me, but I'm not noticing a lot of that. Perhaps I'm not doing it correctly--although I am waking up feeling a bit more energetic. Just doesn't persist! (Well, nothing does!)

I feel like I've been climbing a sheer wall with few places of purchase. I feel like I'm near the lip of the wall, but can't find a suitable hold to get me over the top. Can't hang there either. Have to make a move! But what? How? Let there be light on all of this! Let it be now!

5449-5448

Sleep daze! Sleeping the time away. Eating, sleeping and not much else. Fell asleep last night at one point in the evening while I was doing the Hong-Sao breath exercise. Fell into a deep sleep on the floor. Cool air awoke me or else I'd still be there I think.

Dreamed last night about consulting to a toy company. I was proposing that I and a small team of people come in and refresh the company's development process. I was meeting with a group of the executives to lay out my proposal and talk about objectives. The company had slipped into a creative hold pattern and needed to be rejuiced. My team's role was to make that happen.

There were some scenes of talking to some of the engineers and seeing what tools they were using. But, most of the action was with the executives.

I have no idea of why I'm dreaming such off the wall scenarios. I don't think I could sustain a brief conversation on the dream topic outside the dream space.

Cooler day today--made sleeping easier. Coming to the end of the month--heading into July. Another month came and went without any turnarounds! Looking (watching, peering, hoping, praying, singing, laughing, crying, whirling, sleeping) for a breakthrough! Expecting a change of space (grace, face, place, circumstance, ambiance, condition)--or something akin to any of that. I grow weary of the battle with the ghosts of illness and the demons of the symptoms. I suggest a shift, a change, a better agenda. Let it be now! And so it is!

5450

Warm day--especially in the afternoon. Went to the library to proof/edit some pages of the Algebra manuscript. Did that and sent email of notes to the author. There were just a handful of issues.

Slept some--not as much as usual. Things spun out last night--people in next door unit had a birthday party. They were playing a game and got a bit loud as the evening went on. Was an odd experience to hear a lively, laughing group of people after so many months of solitude. Reminded me of aliveness, laughter and fun--things I've not been experiencing a lot.

Kids in complex are out of school and are playing a lot in the carport area--which amplifies every sound and shakes the walls with every B-ball dribble. Just reinforces that I need to get better and get out of here!

Lost dreams from last night. Waiting for the cool!

5451

Sleeping through the solstice! Did a good job of it. Noticed that I'd misnumbered about a week of these posts--recycled from 5460 to 5469 instead of 5459. Have made the corrections. No big deal, really. Hoisted on my own petard--or something.

Evening arrives! Temperature cools! And I find I'm in my quiet place (personally)--ambiance-wise things are noisy. People next door are having one of their soirees. Laughter and loud voices--life.

I just let go and rested today as I was called to do. It's aggravating, but I feel better for it. Checked the local Elephant Pharm for some mastic gum, etc. No knowledge there. Will have to order on the web.

Dreams last night about looking for different places. Kept getting information from JA and a friend of his. Also got instructions from two other people. There was someone with me--we were going to the different places.

Having some problems with digestion. Ate a salmon teriyaki dish yesterday and it was too much protein. With licorice, green tea, and other pylori interventions I'll have to balance things out. Salmon was good though! Had dinner at DeeDee's tonight. Ate lightly today, until dinner. Onward and onward!

5452

Summer solstice! Tomorrow will be the longest day of the year!

Shopped today for some h-pylori supplements. Picked up some DGL licorice tablets--DGL stands for a substance, an acid, that's been removed (deglycyrrhizinated). The acid can cause problems so it's taken out. Found other stuff on the web that deals with pylori--a dental-grade mastic gum, and a potion of mastic gum, turmeric, thyme, hyperforin, DGL licorice plus other stuff. Lots of possibles--need to keep on digging a little more and select some with the help of Rebecca (the nutritionist).

Slept a lot today (nothing new!). Symptoms were on/off most of the day. Rest seems to eventually makes things quiet. Been practicing the Hong-Sau breathing technique--seems to help quiet things as well.

Getting late, getting cool! Time for a chocolate milk!

5453

Didn't awaken this morning without symptoms! They were back! Had a breather last night at least. I have a memory of what it was like.

Talked with my daughter today. She's getting her AA degree from a local junior college at the end of the month--cap and gown--the whole thing! She'll be graduating magna cum laude. Good for her--she's put in the work and made it happen. She's a tiger when she's focused.

I've been lazing around all day--waiting for the stillness to return. I'm quieter now (late afternoon), but not as clear as I was yesterday. It's warm and muggy (although it was cooler most of the day), and I'm feeling heavy, dense and tired.

Got a father's day note from my son in SoCal. Granddaughter continues to grow and astound. May get to see everyone when they come up next week.

Spent some time last night researching H-pylori and remedies. Still looking at not taking antibiotics and using natural interventions. Green tea (catechins) as a dental rinse seems like the place to start--with maybe some mastic gum product and an occasional bit of licorice. Should taste good! Will make a trip to the health food store tomorrow and see what's available.

5454

Curiouser! Been wrestling with symptoms for several days (actually all the time since this started). Today, went to the chiropractor. I was feeling lousy. He did adjustment and I sat in front of the Tesla device for 10-15 minutes. Felt better, but still was feeling the symptoms. Grabbed a sandwich and went for a walk. Weather was getting warmer so when I got home, I went to sleep. Woke up still feeling groggy and such. Drank some water and some vegetable juice and proceeded to hang out. About mid-afternoon, the tremor stopped! Been quiet for several hours now and cognitive fuzziness is abated. Love it!

What triggered the quiet time (adjustment, Tesla device, food, rest, walk, sleep, weather, prayers)? Too many variables, but something flipped into the right slot. Don't have any idea how long it'll last--forever would be nice! Great to know it's possible to get this clear. I forget what this feels like when the symptoms are happening. A breakthrough would be for me to go to sleep in this state and wake up in the same state in the morrow. Here's trusting that it will happen.

Dreamed last night of running. It was early in the morning and the streets were dark, but I was running through a bunch of neighborhoods. It was peaceful and quiet--a few other joggers were out, but no interactions.

After reading the report on the test for h-pylori (which was positive for the critters, I did some research and decided that I don't want to risk doing antibiotics. I'll go with some herbal remedies and focus first on my dental area--I think they're lurking there and recolonizing my stomach from there. It appears that several herbal remedies are effective against them, both in-vitro and in-vivo. Sounds like a plan! Bye, bye, bye, h-pylori!

5455

Happy Father's Day! Got a call from my daughter. She called to wish me a good father's day and to let me know she was moving. She's moving over near Sacramento (Rancho Cordova) with a houseful of roommates. She'll be going to college over there in the fall. She's got it all worked out/figured out. She has several friends in that area and her grandmother is over there.

I'm happy that she's on the move and wish her the best. I also will miss not having her nearby. She was the only family that was "just down the street." Now, everyone is distant (not all that far, really, but not down the street). Made my symptoms show up today--anxiety equals symptoms, and they were there today. I'm quieter now as the day cools down and evening arrives. Just another reminder that I'm alive.

I had two plastic washers left over from my new chair assembly. I kept thinking about those two plastic washers and where they were supposed to go. I kept looking at the assembly instructions and finally saw where they were supposed to be attached. I put them in place and now the puzzle is complete. IKEA has it all planned out--and there are no extra pieces.

Have a chiropractor session in the morrow. Will get to bed late--after it cools down some. Too muggy for an early snooze! Got up early today. Slept a couple times today--but not very long each time. Praying we don't end up with an uncontrolled war in the Middle East. May there be peace! Everywhere!

5456

Cooled down some today. Still warm late in the afternoon, but better than yesterday. I slept a fair amount today--just felt like I had to rest. Working on the "aliveness" issues, but still had to sleep a lot today. Made it out for lunch (DeeDee's--their business seems to have picked up some). Ran a few errands, but came back and went horizontal.

Dreamed last night about being at a music concert. People in the audience could sign up to play with the band on stage. At first, there was chaos as people signed up and tried to keep a first-come first-served process. I suggested that we make it a lottery. It was agreed on and things went smoothly. It was clear not everyone would get to play, but letting fate decide made it easier to handle.

There were other dreams and dreams from the previous night that I didn't record in the last post. Oh, well! Important dreams will rise again, if needed.

Still enjoying my new chair. Happy that I got it and put it together when I did. No procrastination always works best--I know that to be true, from experience! Now, need to get going on my "aliveness" and all that that entails. Been fairly peaceful today--fairly quiet! Getting quieter as the day winds down. Peace, peace, peace!

5458-5457

Good session with JJ yesterday. She worked with me on attitude issues, which are keeping me stuck in place. The biggest one is maintaining an attitude of "I am alive and I have symptoms" versus "I have symptoms and I'm dying." I've been playing the second attitude tape repeatedly and not allowing myself to enjoy (affirm, act on, play with, and so forth) my aliveness. I've shut down and have been stumbling around looking for the power switch. The news is--the switch is already in the on position--I just need to open my mind (heart, soul, spirit) and let that fact register.

She was direct with me and called me on my wimpy way of dealing with this situation. It's like I've given up and can't get back up--so I stay prone (sleep, rests, naps) and wait for something "magical" to happen that will restore things to the way they were. It ain't going to happen! Things have changed and I need to wake up and start being responsible for where I'm headed. I'm not completely clear on what I need to do to change directions, but I know I need to be doing something--because I am alive.

It's clear to me that I've been dealing with things from the perspective of "I have symptoms and I'm dying." With this attitude, I've been swimming in place and not making a lot of progress. JJ indicated that many of her patients seem to adopt this negative attitude and put their full recovery on hold. It's not something she or the team can fix--they can only point out the obvious--I have to make the adjustment/changes. It's up to me!

I actually got into a concrete situation last night that became my first "alive" act. When I got home yesterday, it was scorching--at least mid-90's. Of course, I just wanted to lay down/rest after driving over and back to SC--get something to eat and get some rest. As I was sitting in my only lounge chair, the fabric that ran across the top, which supports the chair back, ripped apart and collapsed the chair. Suddenly, I was without a comfortable place to sit, it was really warm in the apartment, it was nearly 5pm--what was I to do?

I said to myself that I was alive and needed to act. I drove to IKEA, found a recliner-style chair that was comfortable, bought it, and took it home. I then proceeded to assemble the chair (one of the challenging IKEA puzzle activities) and several hours later, and with a lot of real sweat, had a new chair. It's much better than the old one (which went into the recycle bins)--sits better and is more supportive.

I had symptoms, but I was alive and acted. First step of many similar steps, hopefully. I fell asleep in the new chair last night. Today, I continued to affirm my "aliveness" as the day unfolded. Nothing done as crucial or satisfying as last night's activity, but the intention is righting the ship. Sail on! Sail on! Sail on!

5459

Rebecca sent me a note saying that she got the results on the H-pylori test. It was positive, which means I still have an active colony despite the herbal remedies I used. Rats! Will have to see the report so I can decide what's next. Even though I'm asymptomatic (in terms of ulcers, etc.), I still probably need to get rid of the critters. Don't need any extra health issues--for sure!

She asked how I've been and I wrote the following--

I've been riding a well-being roller coaster... Each day I seem to have some good times, some not so good times, and some times that are lousy (sounds like normal life!)... I'm still having to rest/sleep each day, but perhaps not as much as I was having to do... I've been able to proof/edit an Algebra manuscript that a friend of mine is creating... First cognitive exercise I've done in a while... I've gained back a bit more weight... My digestion is still holding steady (as long as I don't try and eat a lot of meat--fish, chicken, pork)... Overall, I seem to be riding smoothly as long as I don't try and do too much--as long as I maintain a quiet psyche... I still yearn to be doing more, but for now "it is what it is" as I try to remind myself, frequently...

Had an interesting dream last night. I was facing some kind of opponent. We were squared off against each other with a chasm between us. We were bombarding each other with psychic weapons. Everything he threw (shot, launched, bombarded, hurled, fired, etc.) my way, I transformed and caused it to recoil back onto him. He would absorb everything I sent to him and also transform it into an enhanced device. The special effects were astounding! Finally, I changed his mightiest weapon into a super device and that ended the exchange. No one was hurt in the dream--it was a show of power and skill. In fact, the exchanges seemed enhance each of us every time--we expanded and grew with each volley.

Scorching day, today! Had to be in the 90's here in my sauna apartment. Mushed around all day. Tree trimmers appeared this morning with a not-so-loud (but loud enough) chipper. They came around the time the trash crews arrived with their monster collection vehicles. And yes, later in the day the b-ball crowd arrived. Was not a quiet (or cool) day. Longest day of the year next week--hopefully not also the hottest!

Off to SC tomorrow--session with JJ! Believe it!

5460

Another "working" dream! Last night, I was dreaming about working at this company. We had just introduced a new system of copy machines. The new system was more automated, but you had to follow certain steps for things to work correctly. There were queues of people near the copy stations. Some initial users were having problems and things were stacking up.

The company was multi-floored and there were backups on all floors. I was helping resolve issues on my floor. I felt really calm even though there was a lot of tension building. I just kept working through issues as they arose and getting jobs processed. I checked other floors over the telephone and felt like things were being handled everywhere.

Had difficulty falling asleep last night--didn't go to sleep until after 1AM. Was feeling "clear" and symptoms were light. Yesterday and today have been similar--sensations of being "clear" or only experiencing light symptoms. Nice break! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Still sleeping some, but today is so warm it's been difficult to get comfortable. Waiting for the sun to set and for things to cool off. Going to be warm over the next few days. It was in the high 80's today--muggy and warm!

Time for a glass of lemonade! We could use some rain, but that's unlikely. Feeling the heat!

5461

Dreamed last night about writing a report--get this--based on work done in a previous dream! My dreams are doubling up on me! In the previous dream (which I don't think I remembered), I was gathering materials for the report. I had collected the material, but had never pulled it all together into a report. Last night, I was reviewing the material and organizing it into a report. There was someone working with me to review the notes and organize an outline. We were working quickly and the outline was coming together. Strange dreaming!

Quiet day! Complex was nearly empty most of the day. I felt good this morning (arose earlier again). Did nap a couple of times, but overall symptoms were moderate. Things got noisy when kids came home from school, but I napped through some of that. Feeling peaceful--letting things be. Have a session over in SC on Thursday. Looking forward to that.

Had lunch at DeeDee's today. That food seems so healthy--wish I could eat more, but I get enough. Did get sleepy after eating.

Got a quote today from LL about the point of stillness. Here's part of it--

The way you overcome attraction and aversions is by going to another condition which has little to do with both, which is wakefulness. In that wakefulness, you see beyond attraction and aversion. You can see that they're just operative forces in the universe that you can sidestep.

The best way to deal with desire and aversion is to push them away. To cut to the chase, if I may here, we all know what we should be - I believe that - we just don't listen. But we know we should be terribly humble, completely consistent, and that we should strive to enter the light.

What's necessary is a very integrated humility, wherein we just are who we are and we do what we do and there's a sense of peace to it, a stillness. It's not necessary to impress others or to impress ourselves. Rather, what's most important is to integrate ourselves with the light, to lead a type of life that does that. And some people may understand it or not, it really doesn't matter. It's not an audience participation situation. Rather, what we're doing is just seeking to find the still point in the middle of all the turning worlds, simply because we like that, we know that that's where we belong.

- Tantric Buddhism, Buddhism

5462

Two dreams last night. Lots of detail and many dream characters. In the first dream, I was in charge of a personnel audit at a company. My team had interviewed every employee, developed a profile of each person, and was ready to discuss the results with the employees and their CEO.

The CEO was a very busy person, but he had set aside a block of time for the discussions. We were all in his facility awaiting his appearance. He was completing some telephone conversations so he would be clear for the meetings. Finally, he came out of his office and we began. The dream ended at that point.

A second dream was about a pageant where 12 women were being chosen to represent the 12 months. All the women had been chosen except for December. The candidate for that month was dark-haired and was wearing a red dress. I was responsible for selecting the women and for some reason December's choice was being delayed. It seemed that I had to delay making my choice for a day--that I had to wait a day to announce my selection. The dream took place in an old castle. The rooms were dark and musty. There were fires in every room and torches lit upon the walls.

Today, I was a bit quieter, but feeling really tired. I got up early (it was quieter) and went back to sleep in late morning. It was fairly peaceful here until late afternoon when kids started shooting hoops (and dribbling the ball on the concrete) and the neighbor in the adjacent townhouse hosted a bunch of people for an afternoon event. Life goes on! And on, and on and on! Hopefully the next door event is short lived and will soon fade to memories.

5463

Strong beginning, weak middle, and a better ending--how the day has gone. Felt good when I arose and maintained through lunch. After lunch, I went to L's and didn't sleep. By the time I got back home, I was wiped. Then a little nap and a horde of kids with basketballs took me into the evening. The thud of the basketballs continue. I need to find another place--a quiet place, a peaceful place. Thunder and lightning, but no basketballs right outside my door.

Dreams slipped away this morning. Found myself not thinking thoughts from the happy part of my brain. I've been wrestling with a lot of negative thoughts, and not feeling very positive around my state of being. I want to feel up and positive, like this morning, but all day long. The roller coaster days are wearing thin.

Still enjoying the Buddhist fiction anthologies. Each story is like a teaching, yet is lively and engaging. It was a brilliant idea to create these anthologies and capture these writings.

Waiting for the late evening stillness to settle round. Looking like the neighbors are in "Saturday night party" mode. We shall see!

5464

Up in the morning! And that's where the day happens, mostly. Once the Qigong is done and breakfast eaten, the rest of the day slides away--until the evening time. In the morning, I feel fairly clear. But, the rest of the day, until evening, disappears in a fog, partially of sleep.

I showered, shaved and went out for lunch, which only made me want to sleep more. I am gaining weight--it's being added all over--so I guess there's some silver lining. I quieted down a lot yesterday and today by sleeping more. The days flow by!

Dreamed last night of joining a group of men who were preparing for an expedition. We needed supplies. Since I was the newest person, I stepped up to make a provision's run. Ended up at COSTCO buying tons of stuff. In the dream, took some time to gather everything, check it out, load it, unload it, and such. But I did it all from start to finish.

A second dream involved (I believe) something to do with allocating rooms in a house. There were a lot of people involved and the process was confusing and complicated. When I awoke, I recalled more of this dream. But now, later, it's become somewhat vague and hazy.

Continue to read the collections of Buddhist fiction. Unique genre! Like reading about aspects of Buddhism, but linked to life situations--and all that entails. I envy the authors, all of whom are long time meditators and students of the practices. I envy them their lengthy dedication and their writing skills.

5465

Haven't moved about much today. Been sleeping some, reading, and surfing the net. Feeling logy and antsy both. Temperature has been creeping upwards adding to my logyness (if that's a word).

Read some in the new Buddhist fiction anthology, Nixon Under the Bodhi Tree. Good stories! They promise to be as good as the ones in You Are Not Here.

Been trying to quiet down some. I've been edgy, antsy, logy for a couple of days. Haven't been comfortable. Noise and neighbors starting to wear on me.

Didn't remember any dreams from last night. Don't recall even fragments.

Still looking for an answer to my life's true direction question. Hope an answer arrives soon--by way of cosmic internet--that gives me something to work with, to grasp and progress. May it be so! May it be so-on! May it be!

5467-5466

Missed posting yesterday. Met with three of the men's team last night. Been a while since we've gathered. RB had been in India and will be off to Costa Rica soon. RS is going to Jamaica for vacation. RM has some travel plans as well. I don't have any--unless going to the bathroom counts.

I slept yesterday afternoon, but was still antsy during dinner. Quieted down some when I got back, but stayed fairly wired until bed time. Dreamed some yesterday during my nap. I was with my daughter and my mother. We were traveling along a river. We were making our way downstream walking on a levee. There were places where there were sheer drops, but everything was safe as long as we stayed away from the edge. It was an easy going meander down the Mississippi.

Today, I proofed the last half of my friend's Algebra chapter, and sent off the marked pages via snailmail. Problems toward the end of the chapter (word problems) were somewhat of a challenge for me. Had difficulty focusing and keeping all the data straight, but did manage to do it. Felt good to proof the work and send it off.

Picked up last year's collection of Buddhist fiction, Nixon Under the Bodhi Tree. The stories in You Are Not Here are wonderful. Look forward to the ones in Nixon. Bumped into HM while I was posting my proof pages. He's doing well--had a bout with some kidney surgery, but wasn't anything major. He's working with RS on a design self-publishing web site, and still doing music. Shared some with him of my health issues (I was really clear when I saw him--best I was feeling all day).

Had dinner at DeeDee's. Same story--not many people there. I managed to spill some of the food on my lap and stained my trousers with lovely saffron colors. Hope it washes out.

What is the true direction in my life? Still awaiting the answer to this simple question. Toward peace and stillness, I believe--it feels right! Walking down the river in my dreams!

5468

Good session with the chiropractor this morning. I was much less tight/tense than usual. Session caused me to relax even more and I came home and slept for several hours. Later, in the afternoon, I started feeling antsy--feeling like I want to be doing more than I am--tired of the limbo state in which I continue to persist.

Read some in the Mortality set of stories. Weird stuff! Don't know if I'll be able to finish them--they are anxiety-producing, or so it seems.

Dreamed last night about a maze of rooms and houses that people were trying to negotiate. I was helping people find their way through the labyrinth. I was like a concierge who knew all the nooks and had all the keys. Some places were physically difficult to get to--people had to climb sheer walls and walk across treacherous routes to reach some rooms and cottages.

Although I was proficient at locating places, everything in the dream felt askew--off balance and not conforming to logical routes. At times, there were puzzle-like steps that had to be taken in order to get to certain places. And then there was the issue of how they found their way once they got to their rooms. Could they ever safely leave and return?

Muggy today! Feels heavy and damp like there could be rain, but that's unlikely. So, I feel heavy and damp as well--without respite of rain. I return to the question posted yesterday--What is my true direction in life? I've been holding it up throughout the day.

I get floods of images and memories--of times past and days spent. They are not the answer, but part of the emerging future--songs of what might have been. Time unfolds and with it a tapestry of circumstance emerges--like a dream that happens now, forever and completely. I hear whispers and I hope to understand their meanings. Soon! Soon! Soon!

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"What is my true direction in life?" Sentence lifted from one of the Buddhist short stories that I'm reading. How I wish I knew the answer. Right now it appears to be eating, sleeping, eliminating, reading and waiting. That set of stories have been provocative--they all deal in one way or another with trying to answer that question.

Dreamed last night about being in a toy company. I was explaining the creation cycle of a new toy--how it usually took an 18-month period to bring forth a toy. How it starts with multiple product teams that vie with each other, ending up with one toy. I had charts and graphs that showed the cycle and where things converged and merged to bring a product to market. The dream was very realistic and involved me and the product teams as we kicked off a new toy cycle. The work was being done in a place like LF--airy, open spaced facilities. There was a very positive feeling in the dream--and a sense of confidence and mastery.

I slept some today, but generally felt fairly clear. I'm finding that sleeping and avoiding too much stimulus seems to moderate symptoms. Quiet and still! The keys to becoming functional once again--perhaps!

Have a chiropractor session in the morning. Loosen up and fly right! "What is my true direction in life?" Onward and onward! May I get a clear answer soon!

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Missed posting yesterday--the 1st day of June! Not a lot to report. Slept quite a bit yesterday and today. Feeling like I want to hibernate, but it's not in sync with the season.

Wondering when I'm going to be able to do something progressive. Reading around in the four short story collections I picked up. Marvel at the backgrounds of the people who authored the stories--at how they worked away, over time, and carved a space for themselves.

Until recently, I've not thought much, if any, about having things link together and form a whole. Now, faced with an unraveling of self, I hunger for the times gone by--imagine that I would have done things differently had I but known. Fantasy, of course! Idyll musings that keep me treading water instead of swimming to some fixed location.

Answers to my underlying questions lie (lay?) not in faulty, enhanced memories, but in present/future(s) that are drawn from realities. I dream, but I do not act. I sleep, but do not always dream. There are patterns, but no paths. I walk uncharted (for me) expanses following makeshift maps and faint directions.

It's possible to just keep on hanging out, but I don't like the sense of non-control that tact produces. I have an image of quiet and stillness--of frantic-free living despite the conditions and circumstance. That image draws me forward--keeps me paddling despite the counter currents. Whispers in my heart!

The years have come and gone. There have been ample chances to have turned the wheel and spun up a winning draw. Hopefully, there is still some opportunity for it to happen--for it still to be done. I awake in darkness. There is no light. The sounds of stillness fill my being.

The stories in the Buddhist fiction collection, You Are Not Here, are wonderful! They provide a glimpse behind the curtain of striving for the point of cessation in several contexts and people's lives. Will have to look up last year's collection--the first one in this genre.