1740

I started taking one of the new medications today--the one that helps control uric acid buildup (allopurinol). I only have to take one each day--but will possibly need to take it for quite some time based on the chemo that I get.

I'm just floating along today--I had a full day yesterday. Did RSB, no naps, several caffeine drinks, and dinner/movie with family--which kept me going until 10pm or so. I'm feeling cloudy and dull--I just want to go to bed and sleep.

I'm sitting in the living room--with my ex and her mother in the dining area. Their conversation is about lots of things--each one of which washes over me and brings me back to my empty thoughts. A lot of their conversation is about who died when--and what they died of.

I need to get a reading on when I can have the PET scan and spinal tap done--which will set me up to have the chemo regimen. I can't get motivated to get on with these needed tasks--I just want to ignore what I need to do.

Have an RSB session tomorrow--I look forward to the interlude that provides on these periods of nothing happening. Yesterday was tiring--but felt good to have a full active day.

Looks like I'll take a short nap--and let the rest of the day unwind. Sleep and dreams--the soft quiet voices of the sea.

1742-1741

Went to PD support group meeting yesterday--fairly big turnout with several new people. The two hours were numbing though--as we make the circuit around the table each person says what is happening with them and their PD. The new people have new stories--the regulars have their updates. But the process is numbing--and I come away feeling heavy, dark, and down.

I went to the RSB session today--and came away feeling better (tired and hungry though). I didn't take a nap--I picked up a latte of the way home and had a later lunch . Now it's almost 4pm--and the afternoon went by slowly but also quickly.

A plumber materialized--and he did a check over of the work that was done over the weekend. BH had him put together estimates for installing a new toilet--to replace the one that keeps clogging.

I don't have anything scheduled for tomorrow--I'm awaiting some contact with the imaging group regarding the PET scan and spinal fluid that needs analysis.

I went through my monthly bills and such--got them posted. That activity took a fair amount of time--especially since my brain/math function seems to be cloudy and erratic. I have to triple check my efforts--since I seem to make errors that I don't see until I review (and review again) what I do.

I feel like I'm on auto-pilot--keep expecting to encounter something that breaks me loose from the rigging that seems to be around me. But the auto-pilot is strong--and being fed by the massive amount of data I'm being asked to handle. The overflow of things that have built up--sends me into a paralytic shock mode. I can't break loose--and organize a plan that I can follow and execute.

One small plan I intend to put in place--I will do the BIG exercise everyday (hopefully 2x each day) to help anchor me as each day unfolds. I will continue RSB--and look at getting back to dancing next year. One small plan for me--one big plan for my psyche.

1744-1743

Lost in space--rain and drain and marketplace. Toilets failing--and lots of turmoil in the winds. No plumbers available until Tuesday--all the workers are dealing with existing breakdowns. 

I couldn't get enough sleep last night/today--caffeine drinks are only helping a little. MD's toilet overflows--so she has to use my bathroom which forces her to travel further. 

I overheard a heated exchange between my daughter--and I think her mother. She was really loud and really upset--almost to the point that I find it difficult to grok how she could be so angry,

I made it to RSB yesterday--and it felt good although it did help tire me out. I picked up a load of medications yesterday--I now take 10-12 pills a day and will probably do even more as things unfold.

Tomorrow there is a PD support group--so I'll not do RSB until Tuesday. 

Today is laundry day--once again. Clean the clothes--clean the nose. Clean the carpet--clean the hose. Clean the windows--clean the shed. Clean the pillows--on the bed.

1745

Black Friday and the CC's are ringing--money is flowing and big plasma screens are on the move. My stay with the grandson last night went well--he slept almost the whole time. He awoke about 30 minutes before his parents returned--but just let me hold him (we watched some football).

It was about 9pm when they returned--so I watched some of the Longmire series. I'm finally up and about today--although I've been up, about, and back into the bed all day. It's now 3pm and I'm starting to feel awake--having a V8 Fusion to help things along.

I keep flip-flopping back and forth on the NHL news--some thoughts about what I can be/need to be doing and others about what is it that I can I do that will make a difference. I punted on getting up and going to an RSB session today--I made up an excuse or rationale that let me roll over and go back to sleep. I have another decision point coming tomorrow--and I'm feeling the ambivalence wrap itself around me and around my intentions.

Thoughts regarding the NHL and PD conditions emerge as I walk through the grocery store (or go anywhere)--I wonder if the person in front of me has two similar things that they are dealing with. Some probably have a lot more--and I can feel grateful that I'm only dealing with two. But from another angle I feel buried and overwhelmed with just my two--and I feel myself freeze up and not want to do what I have to do to even maintenance these conditions. For the past 12 years the maintenance of these conditions have become my life--I've tried to move beyond maintenance to healing and remission. PD with its inexorable pace and degenerative face--has occasionally yielded some ground. But now I have a companion illness (NHL)--which is similar to PD in terms of how it can progress, cause degeneration, and even terminate the game if my efforts follow its rules.

And the NHL maintenance will be more challenging--has already introduced a number of things that I've not had to deal with over the past 12 years. The list is long--and the night is short.

1746

Turkey Day--but we had ham. Delicious meal by daughter and son-n-law--ham, potatoes, squash, dressing, rolls, pie and more. It was a quiet late lunch meal--and they are going out tonight to do Black Friday. I'll watch the grandson--will be my first time having him all on my own for a length of time. It will be fun--for both of us. He's such a chill kid--really smart and happy.

I shifted to my holiday drink--a green tea latte made with eggnog. Festive drink--very tasty and comforting. The green tea will be the best drink for me--will be helpful in remissing the NHL that I'll be dealing with (am already dealing with).

I was logy today--I'm missing my RSB sessions. I think I shifted my reservation to tomorrow's class--but the RSB website went down and I can't check the calendar. I will just go anyway--and I know I'm signed up for the Saturday class. So, onward and onward--up and down and all around.

I napped after today's meal--and will soon be playing with the grand kid. I'll down a V8 Fusion to boost my energies--the extra caffeine helps bring up my energy and clarity. The newest study concludes that 3-4 cups of coffee every day is beneficial--or does no harm. I'm about a 3 cup a day person--but it's better if I'm also exercising and not just downing the caffeine when I'm not moving much.

Well Black Friday is happening soon--before Thanksgiving is actually over. Go shoppers--in line and online.

1747

They managed to get some blood from me today--I drank a lot of water before going in to the lab. Still took two techs to figure things out--but they managed to get everything in one pass (one needle).

I've been on and off all day--slept a lot last night but still feel groggy and half-awake. Keep encountering problems with various tech items--my MAC, my phone, RSB site, MD's walker, and more. It's as if I'm swimming in a cloud of mixed signals--some of which are in my body's electrical systems as well.

I've got new medications ordered--and old stuff waiting to be picked up. The pharmacy is trying to sort out the issues--but for me it's just one more reminder of all that is going on for me right now.

I'm somewhat dreading tomorrow's holiday events--I feel like I would rather sleep all day and not get entangled. But that's today's me reacting to what I'm noticing today--not the me that could go to sleep and wake up ready to go tomorrow.

MD's caregiver couldn't make it here yesterday and today (she's wrestling with some kind of ailment)--and MD is not doing well with the loss of attention and hand holding. She's very wobbly when she moves--and she's getting more fuzzy with details and what's happening as the holidays engage.

Her walker needs some maintenance--which I think I can see what needs to be adjusted but requires a more mechanical mind. I'll put BH on the problem--although he's somewhat in overwhelm given all the things he and my daughter are trying to handle right now (kids, jobs, schedules, money, the holidays, and so on).

I would like to help him more--but I run out of steam almost the moment I start to do anything that requires me to focus. I knew I'd encounter more of this as things will unfold--but it seems that the unfolding is happening sooner than I had estimated. And taking paths that I never imagined--like having both PD and NHL. Oh, boy--oh, joy!

1748

Saw the oncologist this afternoon--and got confirmation that the lump appears to be non-hodgkin lymphoma (NHL). He indicated that he thought it was one of the more common types--that are less aggressive and can be managed. He wants me to get a PET scan, a spinal fluid analysis, and another blood test--to verify that it is in fact a NHL type and not in other locations. If these tests don't find any hidden elements--I would then get a series of chemo treatments (4 sessions in 4 weeks) and we would go from there. The chemo is designed to kill off the NHL cells--and we would do a watch and wait strategy to verify that it worked.

I tried to get the blood work done while I was there--but I was somewhat dehydrated and they couldn't draw blood. I'll drink lots of water--and go back tomorrow.

Like all of the doctors that I've seen recently--they all remark on my age versus what I look like. Several have thought that the age listed was a typo--when I tell them it's correct they acknowledge that I'm doing the right things despite my illnesses.

So here I go--around again. Off on a new set of things to do--and pills to take. I will continue to use dancing and boxing activities (but perhaps a bit less frequently)--and add nutrition (eat better and more healthy) and light exercise (yoga, stretching, etc.) to my home times.

Turkey day looms--I guess I'll start my healthy nutrition after that day is over. There was a killer chocolate cake served up last night--something that won't make the cut in a healthier diet program.

1749

Trying to unravel the mess that MacKeeper made--when I bought the service and tried to install it. I've managed to get things to work somewhat--I keep getting pop up alerts from the software that ostensibly gets rid of these items.

The tech that I talked with last night--was in fact a salesman whose goal was to get me to purchase their service. They did so by using the scary tactics of pointing out all the things they needed to fix--and all I had to do was let them do it.

I've spent way too much time trying to unravel this mess--and I don't need a lot of distractions right now. Tomorrow I'm planning on hitting the RSB class--and then meeting in the afternoon with the oncologist. All will be revealed at that point--hopefully!

I went to RSB class today--and it was a large group. I came home and zoned out for a while--and then began to get ready for tonight's event as well as continuing to unraveling my computer problems. If worse comes to worse--I can probably move everything I do on the computer to the phone. But that really limits how much I can communicate--with the tiny screen and the flaky virtual keyboard. The laptop definitely has its advantages--as well as its downsides.

And of course, it's holiday time--and all that comes with that part of each year.

Well, B-day revelers should start arriving soon--let the festivities begin!

1750

Yesterday was National Toilet Day--hope everyone enjoyed a day on the throne. Well, maybe not a whole day--perhaps just a short couple of visits. Today is Peanut Butter Fudge day--yummy, yummy, for the tummy.

I awoke around 6am--but napped on and off for several hours. I was up and off to SB's around 10 or earlier--to get my morning latte. I guess I didn't really eat any breakfast--but had some lemon chicken and couscous for lunch.

Somehow, the afternoon passed--and about 3pm I woke up so to speak. I made a run to pickup some items for tomorrow's B-day event--and went out again around 4pm to pickup some groceries.

Work on the B-day event began today--and will no doubt continue through the evening and into tomorrow. I plan on going to an RSB session in the morning--and recover enough for the B-day event.

I've been thinking about doing some RSB cheers--Roses are red, pickles are green, I'm a Rock Steady Boxing, punching machine!

I'm going to shower and shave in just a but--wash away the last few daze and get ready for tomorrow's events. Will have to do the same on Tuesday around noon--just before heading off to the doctor's office. The countdown is going slowly--lots of holes in each day and long nights of tossing about in my dreams.

I dreamt that I was with one of the PT's that took me through the BIG classes--she looked like Darrian who is a striking-looking person. In the dream, she was assisting me with getting some details sorted through--she was acting as my ombudswoman in dealing with getting approvals from the board that ruled on such items.

1751

Went to RSB session this morning--only a few people in attendance but it felt good. Napped a short while after returning--and am starting to feel logy now (it's about 4:30pm).

Haven't eaten much so far today (or all that well)--had a smoothie, bagel, piece of cake, V8 Fusion, a latte, pretzels with peanut butter, and have a couple of dishes from Raley's that will be for dinner.

Tomorrow there is nothing and everything on the agenda--too much to do and be effective yet I need to do a few things. BH's birthday is happening on Monday--so there will be a crowd of people in the evening. Tuesday morning I have an RSB session--and the appointment with the oncologist in the afternoon.

I'm feeling jumbled and awash like debris on the shore--and the storm hasn't even started yet. It's Saturday--yet it feels like Friday for some reason. We are getting intermittent rains--and the weather is all over the map.

Our revels now are ended--this final speech in the play came to me last night. It seems to be the appropriate pronouncement in this tumbling dream state--as the story ends.

1752

Fly Day--Fry Day! And I've spent the day in a daze--in a haze, in a maze, in a craze. I slept fairly well last night--but there were several things that impacted how well I rested overall. For one, MD slept through her dinner time--and woke up around 10pm or so. This threw her off her regular schedule--and she was up and around about 5am.

I had planned on getting up somewhat early this morning--and continue work on my medical directive. That didn't happen--I slept in later than I had planned as well as didn't really nap either. I finally made it up and out--and grabbed a latte and breakfast sandwich at SB's. I came back and zoned out--and ultimately got up around noon. I downed a V8 Fusion and ate a couple of cookies--but I still didn't fully awaken or loose the cloudiness that surrounds my thoughts.

I ended up going out another time--to hit the ATM and pick up some items I had forgotten to get in my earlier runs. It's about 3pm now--and I'm starting to feel awake and sense the fog lifting. Unfortunately, as it lifts, it exposes other things that I need to be concerned about--handing over the keys to what little I have to my daughter (agent, son-in-law) and showing her how to find everything. Also deciding how to deal with all of the medical issues--that seem to be vying for attention as the days unfold.

Only a few more days--and I will have some idea of the options available for whatever is happening to me. As the days go by--I feel myself getting more and more tense about what I'm going to hear. Freaking Friday--about the details arriving next Tuesday.

1753

Rain last night--I was up several times to pass water. I had gone to bed early--really early. So I was up and down after I'd done my first snooze--from about 3am until I rolled out around 8am. I was just a bit late to RSB session--slept in from around 5am until 8am and didn't get going until nearly 8:30 which I said yesterday I was trying not to do.

I blame it on the road repair people--they had a detour that took everyone all over the place. I had to wind my way on streets I'd never traveled--they had blocked off one of the main roads that moves people in the mornings.

I was really short on energy in the RSB session--I would have thought I'd have more stamina since I rested yesterday. But the opposite seemed true--I was having to stop frequently. I came home and napped out for a couple of hours--and then grabbed a SB's latte and watched the rest of the movie I as watching last night before going to bed early. It was a film I'd watched before--but I didn't seem to recall the details so it was like watching for the first time.

No RSB tomorrow--will continue to sketch out the medical directive that I've been assembling. I have a PDF of a sample directive form--and am editing that document for my particular situation. There are some subtleties of how you go about editing a PDF file--but I seem to have figured things out.

It's like with my phone--I'm figuring it out too and am finally teaching it to do tasks and adapting itself to my needs. Took me long enough--several months but I think I've got the essence of what to do, finally.

1756--1754

Didn't post for a couple of daze--that's what I've been in. Monday did an RSB session--and basically conked out until I went to Tuesday's session. I just got sleepy and logy after each class--so I slept as much as I could after getting back home.

Today, I spent most of the daze working on my medical directive--I had started it yesterday but managed to drop the file when I stopped to play with the grandson. So, today I went back to it--and got it fairly far along. I buzzed out after my afternoon nap--and have returned somewhat after a shower, shave, and a protein drink.

Am scheduled to see the doctor next week--next Tuesday. I'll get in four RSB classes before getting with him--and learning what this all means. Putting the medical directive together--leaves me with a mixed set of feelings. In some respects it is showing me how unplanned my life has been--and how little I can do about that now. In another way, it is reinforcing my key attitude--where I think it doesn't really matter if things were planned or not. When the dance is over--the dance is over. Some people remaining may still hear a bit of the music that I made--but for the zillion others it will be an event they don't have to deal with or understand.

So, will toss and turn through tonight (as I've been doing a lot of recently)--and head out for RSB in the morning (if I can manage to get moving at the right times). Leaving at 8:45 cuts everything a bit close--and I am likely to be late getting to the gym. Leaving at 8:30 makes more sense--and leaving at 8:15--makes even better sense. But every 15 minutes that I add to my departure time--makes me miss 15 minutes of stillness and possibly sleep. To leave at 8:15, I need to get up around 7:45 or so--certainly no later than 8:00.

Today, as events around the house unfolded--I felt myself getting angry and tense. MD is not doing well at all--she's having difficulty walking and has been loosing her balance and nearly falling. I feel she needs a lot more help doing everything--but being like she is (100 and counting) she won't ask for help. I wish I could help her more--but I'm thrown back on my own problems and health issues. Life goes on--or it doesn't.

1757

I have begun to train my phone--it turns out that I can get it to do an immense number of tasks. It just requires that it be taught what to do--I simply tell it what to do and it responds appropriately and performs the task.

The AI is called Bixby--and it is incredibly intelligent. It accurately deciphers whatever I say--and maps the words into actions that it performs and then tells me what has been done. Bixby is Samsung's version of Siri, Alexa, and others--tailored for the Android operating system in the Samsung phone. Voice recognition technologies have grown almost beyond belief--and I'm sure there's more on the way.

Perhaps the scientists who are predicting that AI's are going to take over--are correct. My phone is on the table--and ostensibly turned off but it is listening to all of the sounds, sorting out anything I might say in the ambient chatter, and taking action on anything that I might utter that is meant to trigger the device to take action. Freaky--but incredibly powerful!

I spent most of today learning how to interact with Bixby--and I'm sure I've only barely begun.

Heading to RSB tomorrow morning--long three days without any exercise. Lump is still lumpy--a little over one week before I see the doctor and get information on what is happening and what's to come. In the meantime, I'll wake Bixby up--and ask it to tell me a joke.

1758

I slept in this morning--and missed the RSB class. I awoke several times starting around 4am--and then suddenly I awoke and it was 8:30 and it would have been a push to make it to class. So I rolled over--and went back to sleep.

MD was up last night with a cough--I suggested that she use the Ricola lozenges to knock the edge off of the irritation. I took one myself--the heater is keeping the air fairly dry.

I disliked missing RSB this morning--the next class is not until Monday which makes 3 days without exercise.

As I write this post--I seem to fading and getting tired. I had a Frap leftover from yesterday for breakfast--but I'm feeling like I want more food or calories. It's late for more breakfast--and early for lunch. And the 2-for-1 Frap deal doesn't start until 2pm--so I don't want to jump the gun and get something earlier. Oh, well--I can snack on my pretzels and peanut butter to help me bridge the gap.

I just read that DisneyLand visitors before 11/7 were exposed to Legionnaire's Disease--which is in the time frame that the family was there. Scary--it's not contagious but can cause severe problems if contracted.

1759

Fryday and Vet daze--free pie for the soldiers (sailors, airmen, and all). Slept in this morning--had a Frap for breakfast and feel like I don't want to do anything but crawl back in bed.

JS has one of her friends here for the day--place becomes a daycare center. Outside the road people are cutting trees--and making a variety of other noises. Things are rumbling and shaking--as the morning gives way to noon.

I had a mix of dreams last night--the final one had me putting some objects into a pattern. It was important that I get everything into the correct form--and I was struggling to make that happen. I woke up several times--having to go to the bathroom and finally managed to empty my bladder and fell back to sleep for a while.

There were five objects in each set--and there were several sets. The objects in each set had an order--and the sets had an order as well. It was confusing as to whether I started with each set of five objects--or started with the larger pattern. There was someone there with me--not to help but to observe. There was some kind of pressure to put the objects into the correct pattern--and do so quickly. I'm not sure what the reasons were that dictated the tension--I just kept attempting to put the objects into an order but was having great difficulty in doing so.

Getting to be noon time--will have the half sandwich from yesterday's meal and a V8 Fusion to kickstart my afternoon. Will run down to SB's a bit later--and claim my 2-for-1 Fraps for today.

Then it will be night again--and things will repeat or not.

1760

RSB this morning--felt good although I could have slept all morning. I continue to eat quite a lot--had a smoothie and bagel before class. Stopped on the way home--picked up a sandwich and a pastry. Ate half the sandwich, bag of potato chips, drank a V8--picked up a Frap (actually two of them since SB's has a special 2-for-one). Will consume some of these remainders for dinner--along with my latest favorite snack item (pretzel with peanut butter). I also have a stack of cookies--which might get tapped as well.

My energy is sporadic--comes and goes. During RSB it seems to there for the most part--but as soon as I get home and go horizontal I'm tugged to sleep. Today, I went down for a nap after lunch--and was awakened by someone in the laundry room making noise. My nap was over--so I got up and went to Walmart's to pick up a couple of items for upcoming birthdays and holidays. I had bought a couple of shirts earlier this week--and thought they would also make good gifts so I went back for more before they sold off the racks.

I went to sleep early last night--and slept fairly well until the morning times.

I've been watching movies recently--I had stopped for a while. But I'm back to watching one on the way to bed at night. I was watching one each night while only MD and I were here last week--I have to admit that some of the more intense ones made me think about what would happen should MD and I be the only people here and someone tries to break in. I know that they are just movies--but the actions leaked into my dreams.

World events didn't help--what with the turmoil that seems to happen every day.

1761

I had laid down for a short nap--before getting a bite of lunch. Had gone to SB's for a morning latte and chocolate layer cake--and just wanted a nap before having some lunch. I was awakened by the fire alarm--and the dog going nuts at the sound of the alarm and the house filled with smoke. I stepped out of may room--and was assaulted with a cloud of smoke and the scream of the alarm. I went into the kitchen--and found a skillet filled with grease smoking on the top of the stove. I shut it off--and managed to get the alarm turned off. The dog was still going nuts--and MD apparently didn't hear the alarm and never got up.

After getting the alarm and the dog silenced--I opened all of the windows and turned on the exhaust fan on the stove. BH came back about then--he and B the young boy. The place still reeked of burnt grease--and the windows were still open to help clear the air.

My nap was now a thing of the past--so I grabbed some lunch and a V8 Fusion.

MD just got up--she didn't hear any of the noise that the alarm and dog made. Actually amazing since both were just outside her door--scary to think about what that means if there is an actual fire or such.

It's coming up on the time to call the oncologist--and establish a time to meet.

I went to Walmart this morning and picked up a set of house shoes that fit snugly and are warm--I also bought a couple of long sleeve shirts (one a great reddish color). I may go back and get a second red shirt--to give to BH for his birthday (which is happening in a few weeks).

1762

Went to bed early last night--and slept fairly well for a change. Woke up early for a bathroom break--but still managed to nap before going to an RSB session. I was late getting there--I spent some time connecting my phone to my car system and things just take time.

The DisneyLand trekkers returned last night--and things are returning to regularity. Tonight is family night dinner--and BH will fire up the BBQ and steam the rice.

RSB activity felt good--I enjoyed hitting the big bags. For the most part, I was punching them with some force--as if I was punching the combination of illnesses that I seem to have acquired.

I've now completed 200+ RSB sessions--the 2nd 100 seemed happen faster than the first 100.

The coach talked with me about doing a dance activity as one of the stations--I let her know about my lump issue right now. I indicated that I would like to start doing a dance station--in the beginning of next year. By then, I should have NHL issue resolved--and should be settled enough to do something like that. And, hopefully be back to line dancing as well--at least a few times each week.

I call tomorrow and set up a time for me to meet with the oncologist--and hopefully get a handle on what this lump is all about.

1763

Sunny day--and I made it to RSB this morning. It was way dark when I got up--the DST shift has been made. The dog didn't do much barking and howling last night--just a short stint of barking around 1am. Most likely some nocturnal creature walking around the yard--like the one I saw when I looked out the front door.

I took some veggies from the garden to the boxing class--the coach grabbed them up. She had taken the peppers I left there a few days ago--and said that they tasted great in a dish she made.

RSB was a goodly workout today--the coach had the session worked out with lots of stations and closely timed activities. The overall effect was to keep everyone moving--and having to pay attention to what was being done.

Family should be coming back from their week of vacation tonight--it has been very quiet for the most part with them gone. But they'll be back--and so will the sounds of living.

Called the oncologist's office--will make a call back on Wednesday to set appointment. From what I've been able to pull up on the Internet--this is going to take a lot of time and analysis to determine what is happening and what to do about it.

I like the watchful waiting option--may I be so lucky as to get that as the diagnosis.

1764

Survived the changing of the clocks--now in that twilight zone. The clocks all say one time--but the body remembers another. I keep cycling between feeling sleepy--and being awake. I had a latte this morning--and a V8 Fusion around noon (or whatever time it really is).

MD's caregiver got here on the new time this morning--and worked until now to arrange MD's coming week (in which the caregiver will not be here).

Dog barking was minimal last night--I was awakened around 2am (time of the time shift) but I didn't get up (or I think I didn't do so). It was a full moon night as well--so energies were mixed and fluid.

Right now, I'm doing my laundry--which is early for me to doing it but the laundry bell is ringing and I have to attend.

Tomorrow the traveling family returns (I think)--and I will do an RSB session in the morning and set up an appointment with the oncologist. I think the size of the lump is varying--getting smaller perhaps (but I won't dwell on that thought a lot before I talk to the lump-speaker).

I notice that I'm looking at people in a particularly intense manner--looking at them as they do their day and the flash of brightness that flickers in their eyes. I seem to be seeing their aliveness--and wondering what they see when they see me.

Washer appears to have stopped--time to dry. Everything is consistent--one act follows the other and the dance continues (until it doesn't).

1765

Coasting today--slept in and missed today's RSB class. Rained some last night and this morning--feels good and clears the air. Still absorbing the medical turn of events--and got the test report for the biopsy. Nothing new there--the report just walks through what was done and not what it means. I have to make an appointment with an oncologist to get the meaning of all these test result--to find out what the testing oracle has to reveal on the topic.

Dog was relatively quiet last night--he only had me get up once to calm his moaning.

I continue to feel that I don't seem to experience anything different or noticeable with this new information--in fact I feel healthy and fluid as if I only have the PD. There are no new symptoms--just the old ones. The only evidence that I do have is the lump--and the markings and bruising from the biopsy. Otherwise, I feel pretty good--especially if I can rest and sleep.

Full moon tonight (or last night)--and a shift back to Daylight Standard Time. Clocks zoom back an hour at 2am--as long as they are digital. Analog clocks will require a physical action--manually turning the clock hands back 60 minutes. Supposedly that means an extra hour of shuteye--but I don't think that really happens. The body-clock is too well trained--and will refuse to nap the hour.

I also seem to experience a bit of confusion and disorientation--during the first day under the new time. Plus the shift of light patterns versus the clock times--makes for lags and leaps that my body-clock doesn't appreciate.

So coming up upon the time to "fall back"--which in a battle is called a retreat. I retreat to bed earlier than usual--and dream an extra hour into the coming day.

1768-1766

My thoughts are a scramble--I'm flopping back and forth trying to put some form around the chaos that I feel. On Tuesday-last, I had the biopsy procedure--and yesterday I got the preliminary reading. Not good news--I'll not hear exactly what was discovered until I meet with the recommended doctor.

I'm having a tough time even mentioning the illness--I have PD and now another disease. The biopsy indicated that I have lymphoma--a cancer of the lymph system. There are over 100 possible types of this disease--and even with the low probabilities of getting any one of these, I have won the lottery.

The diagnosis confirms why I've been having so much trouble with my energy levels--and why I have this big lump that materialized on my neck so quickly. Part of the lymph system underwent an attack--and triggered a reaction that is altering cells and using my energy resources to keep itself active. At least, that's what seems to be happening--but I'll not know for sure what is happening until I see the oncologist (lump speaker?).

I'm pausing here--and may come back later to fill in more thoughts. But right now--I just want to stop the buzz and move a bit.

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I dreamed last night (or did a visualization) of how I want this story to play out--like the guy in the seminar suggested that everyone do. My story would play out like this--I would heal from the cancer and in about a year, I'd be ready to move. To where--to India? My SS monthly payments are about 4 times the cost of living in India--and most of it would be spent on medical bills (here or there). I would actually get more for each dollar spent in India--whereas here I'll be faced with medical costs that will quickly eat up my SS stipend. It would take a lot of work to make such a story happen--but it will take a lot of work to stay here.

Anyway, that was last night's visualization--one the let me fall asleep despite the dog's howling, barking, and doing generally nutty things.

May tonight's dreams be even more explicit--dreams from the edge of sleep.