5836

Spitless in Seattle! Or Spitless Blessings--a prayer for priests with loose dentures.

Beginning at 7AM this morning, I started spitting. Still have one more sample tube to fill. Will make a total of six tubes. Samples are cooling in the fridge until I FedEx them off to the labs in the morrow.

Noticed an interesting associated issue. I stopped my supplements for today while I was spitting away. My bladder was more relaxed today--not as frequent or with as much urgency. Have to think that one of the supplements is triggering my bladder attacks. Suspect it may be the multi-vitamin (heavy B complex). Asked Rebecca for her thoughts on this phenomenon.

Went to DeeDee's for dinner. That food just seemed to be exactly what I needed, what my body wants to eat. It's filling, healthy and devoid of animal protein. Am going to see how I can work DeeDee's into my 21-day program. Should be able to drop her food into the plan 2 or 3 times a week, along with dishes from Garden Fresh. I have these resources so why not use them? And, like I say, the food seems more than right for my system.

Had a mixed day in terms of symptoms. Tremor keeps coming and going for seemingly no particular reason. Keep looking at anxiety levels, but not finding much. Rests and naps seemed to help. Getting out and about was a bit stressful, but also felt good to get outdoors. Morning rituals went as they normally do. Had a bit of an energy problem on the walk, but restored with a short nap. Feeling good tonight--a bit tired, but a good kind of weariness.

Dinner really helped pick up my energy flows. Getting prepared (mentally) for the Master Fast and starting the 21-day program. I'm feeling like those activities will kickstart my physical systems and get them working once again.

Well time to read and rest some before the final spit.

5837

Met with the men's team tonight. Been nearly a year since we've all been together. Had lots of catching up to do. Was great to see everyone again.

I went through several states while being with everyone. My tremor came and went as the evening progressed. Seemed to abate some after I ate. Came back after sitting for a couple of hours. Went away again and returned when I ate a cookie. Came back full force as we started to leave when I walked into the chill night air. It's relatively quiet now with me back home.

It was an experience I've not had exactly--being with a group of people for several hours--engaged and sharing information.

Ready for my spit collection task that begins in the morrow. Sit and spit--I can do that! I can even eat at DeeDee's as long as I stay away from the aloo gobi. The toughest one will be the vial done late at night. I'll have to stay up for that one or fall asleep and set the alarm perhaps.

Had an interesting few minutes in a reverie with some sunlight and Yogananda's picture. I was sitting in my lounge chair and the sun was shining through the blinds. Some sunshine created a set of round spots of light. One of those spots was shining on Yogananda's picture, right over the spot of his third eye. As I watched, the spot moved across his forehead and off the right side of his face. As this took place, I experienced a release of tightness on my right side, especially on the right side of my head. When the spot disappeared, just his picture remained with his curious smiling image. As the spot was showing and moving, I received thoughts regarding impermanence--how things always change and disappear. As I recall the image of the moving spot of light, I feel a release of pressure in the right side of my head. Hmmm! It's a delicious feeling! Thank you sunlight. Thank you Yogananda!

5838

MemDay! Traffic over to SC started out with a traffic snarl. There was an accident right near the LG ramps. So, when I cleared that area it was smooth sailing over the hill.

Session with Laura was informative and instructive, as usual. She inserted needles in several points that deal with energy levels. I had asked that we work on my energy levels because of the fluctuations I've been experiencing this past month. I realized sometime today that over the past month I've greatly reduced my sugar intake and heavy carb consumption. So it's no surprise that my energy levels have dropped.

She said that the needles could make me relax at first. I fell asleep on the table for a short time. When I awoke, I felt clearer and more energetic. The drive back over the hill knocked the edge off of that sensation. When I got back, I napped, and upon awakening again feel more energetic.

We spent most of my waking time looking into my tremor, which seemed to have picked up intensity this past week. Discovered that I had made heart/brain connections to a lot of the brain, but not much to the rest of my system (organs, cells, muscles, bones, etc.). Began a "connection" blitz to hook my heart up with all of the rest of my systems (and beyond). There can be no disconnects. Laura likened it to a large family where some of the siblings are getting all of the attention. The ones being ignored might start complaining or intruding in order to get some attention. In my case, my bladder is sending out emergency signals, which ups my anxiety levels, which increase the tremor intensity. Duh! It's all connected!

So I have my expanded homework task--connect my heart to everything and everyone. Not a simple task, but one that must be done if I am to progress. I keep compartmentalizing everything, which is not the reality of how things function.

Let's see! The heart bone is connected to the soul bone. The soul bone is connected to the mind bone. I think I'm getting the swing of this!

5839

Went to see the movie The DaVinci Code. Good movie, but think the book was more absorbing, more engaging. Besides, I had trouble sitting for 2.5 hours and had to get up to go the bathroom twice. I overheard someone in the bathroom remark about his "45-minute bladder." That too is my problem. Have to sit on the end of the row next time. Tremor was steady pretty much the whole time, which added to what I was experiencing.

Tremor seems to be more present the last few days, more in my awareness. When I got home this afternoon, I lay down and it seemed to moderate. Could be that I just was missing my afternoon nap/rest. Could be I was anxious--more than likely.

Rebecca responded to my concerns about managing the culinary process over the 21-day diet period. She offered to send me a list of ideas that will help make the process easier/more efficient. I appreciate her offer to help me work out a solution.

I keep thinking about my first month with the PDTeam and the way I felt then and how I managed to get through everything to where I am now. I think about that and can't imagine how the 21-day diet can be worse, but my mind wants me to think it will be so. Have to proceed one step at a time, one bite at a time. It will work out! And I'll be the better for it all--I know this is true. Just have to persevere.

If this sounds like I'm giving myself a pep talk, that's because I'm doing just that.

Heading over to SC tomorrow for a treatment with Laura. Looking forward to seeing her and getting some energetic support with my next steps. Then Memorial Day '06 will be a memory!

5840

Received the next steps in the nutrition program from Rebecca. I felt overwhelmed by the scope of what is to be done. It's all exactly what I need to be doing, but the sheer amount of effort I believe is involved makes me shudder.

Mainly, I'll have to leave the safety of how I'm coping with a more responsible role in making sure I'm eating (planning, shopping, cooking) the correct foods, supplements, etc. I whined in my note back to her about my feelings of overwhelm and worry. Given my current state of being, I think it will be difficult for me to handle all that is involved. That's my thought--and then there's the reality. FEAR looms--False Evidence Appearing Real. My thoughts are so many instances of false evidence.

Her program looks to be quite complete. Once I do the "spit" test, follow it with the fasting days, and then do the 21-day cleansing diet I should be nearly new inside and out. But, I still resist! Resist seeing this as an opportunity and hold it like another layer of burden.

Time to get over it, to get on with it, with everything. My feeble whines mean nothing in the larger context of restored health. I just want to be there instantly and not do the work--more of the story of my life (or rather of my health).

I opted out of everything this past week--dance class, dancing, doing much of anything. I did get over to SC on Wednesday for the marathon nutrition review, but that's all I've managed this week. My diet is stabilized (or my digestion process), but that goes away with the program--some of my (many) current foods will not be allowed. We shall see! We shall see!

Had an Afghan breakfast this morning (afternoon). Tasty! Eggs poached on top of a mixture of dried tomatoes, shitake mushrooms, veggies, ground beef, and a red sauce.

Otherwise, it's been an oatmeal/fruit/cottage cheese kind of day.

Time to go horizontal and read some before falling into dreams. Been reading about St. Therese, the Little Flower (on the web). Memorial Day madness doesn't penetrate my sanctuary.

Here's how Rebecca suggested I should proceed--

Create your own sacred monastery. Fill your home with inspirational literature, meditate, pray, do lots of yoga and qi gong, take walks in beautiful places, dance for pure JOY, fill your mind with thoughts that heal and fill your heart with love and joy.

Sounds like a plan!

5841

Windy cool today! Sun shining but a cool wind tossing things around. Dirt devils made of trash, leaves, and random debris whirling and spinning here and there.

I made it up earlier than usual and did my morning rituals, including a walk which I'd not done for a few days. Then went and did laundry. After that, had lunch at DeeDee's (they have the thali trays back in use--turns out they only use the sytrofoam trays once a week when there's no kitchen person. I just had never been there on a day when they used the styrofoam trays.) and went to the library. When I got back, I slept for a couple of hours.

Weather continues to cool as evening approaches. Ate a dish of fruit and cottage cheese. Decided to not go dancing tonight. Will roll up with some of the books I picked up at the library. Feeling more hermit-like than normal (if that's even possible). Had a brief sensation of a tickle in my throat, but did some yoga and it appears to have gone away. Sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care!

Symptoms seemed a bit more overt this morning. Food and sleep seems to have moderated everything. The many supplements should be doing something. Ironic that I'm taking so many supplements as a result of me not wanting to take a few doses of medication each day. But, I would probably be needing the supplements anyway.

Men's team will be meeting next week--first time in a while. All will be there except RR. I cannot find him. His old numbers don't work. Called, I believe, his brother's number, but whoever answered just hung up on me. Sounded like a young girl--perhaps his wife's daughter. Anyway, it's aggravating to not be able to find him or talk with him. Would be great if he too could make it next week.

Days go by. The noise levels here in the apartment complex are starting to intrude more, or so it seems. It's variable by time of day and such, but it's not exactly noise free at certain times. Kids, laundry room, cars, radios, TV's, CD players, gardeners, traffic, repairmen, and a lot of other ambient sounds. This too shall pass and it does.

Still a mystery around what the woman below me does all day--she runs the water nearly continuously and bangs things about. It's as if she is washing dishes all day (and evening) long. Mystery! And right now, there's nearly a stretch of silence--nearly!

Holiday weekend, but it's much the same for me. Same-o, same-o! All the days!

5842

Slept away the afternoon. After lunch, went to sleep for several hours--making up for yesterday's missing nap(s). Awaiting for some final data from Rebecca regarding the "spit" test and ingesting all of the supplements I'm taking.

Taking more Bileman and Max DHA, plus some new thyroid support capsules. Don't want to imagine what all of those pills, capsules, and such look like in the stomach. We only reduced the amino acid complex, but kept everything else at the same levels or higher.

My digestion seems to be working better though--given my selections of foods. Had a soy protein veggie dish with brown rice today for lunch. Was tasty and filling. Will head for DeeDee's tomorrow (even with the styrofoam trays).

Once I complete the "spit" test (next week), then I'll need to get set up for a 3-day fast using distilled water, lemons and maple syrup, followed by a 21-day, protein supplement-supported, clean out and restore operation.

I feel that doing all this will help reboot my metabolism and get it cranking once again.

Adrenals--they are clearly maxed out at this stage of things--need to keep resting, restoring and recovering without adding layers of stress. The only thing to do!

MemDay weekend! Relax and restore! And do my laundry!

5843

Supplement city! Completed a session with Rebecca on my nutrition plans. Made progress over initial evaluation. Reduced my "symptoms" score by over 100 points. We added a thyroid booster and I'll be doing a "spit" test to measure just how poorly my adrenals are doing.

She wants me to do a fast (3-day) and then begin a 21-day protein supplement regimen that should detox me and clean me out. Sounds like a plan!

My energy levels are whacked right now so it makes sense to look at my adrenals. She spoke of a neuro-immune-hormone axis--the links between those three systems and how they can get out of balance because they operate on a positive feedback loop. If the adrenals are overloaded, this axis keeps trying to get them to respond even though they are not functioning well. It's like beating a dead horse.

Will say more as things unfold. Now, I'm zonked! Missed my afternoon nap(s) by going over to SC to meet with her. But, it's starting to make sense--both why I'm so tired and what can be done about it. Ahhhh! The mysteries of the abdominal tract--may they be dispelled!

5844

Day of changes, but that's always so. Major change (or not so major) was that DeeDee's stopped using the stainless steel thali trays and switched to styrofoam "bento boxes" with plastic forks and spoons. I know it saves them a lot of work cleaning the trays, but the place loses some of its charm. The trays made it seem like India. The styrofoam makes it seem like here--which it is. And, it's probably true that in India they too are using plastic as well.

Another change--I didn't make it to dance class and will probably not do so next Tuesday also. I came back from lunch and went to sleep. I slept until it was too late to get cleaned up and make it to class. So, I've been reading and relaxing.

Tomorrow I have a session with Rebecca regarding my nutrition plan. Looking for a breakthrough in that arena. My diet is stabilized for now, but I can't eat certain things. I feel that if we can make a shift in what I eat that my recovery will progress. Right now, I feel constrained in what I can eat and that is affecting my overall well being.

Despite the monumental amount of sleep I've been getting, I'm still weak and tired at my core self. If I didn't have to get up to eat, I think I could stay horizontal forever--which is not a goal, believe me!

I finished the Secret Society of Demolition Writers story collection. Good works, but a bit patchy because of the open format. Good idea though! Writers writing anonymously what they might otherwise not create.

There is a momentary stillness right now. A break in the various noise levels that can be heard throughout the day. The babble of languages and miscellaneous incursions like someone jumping rope on the common area deck. Traffic and winds; the sounds of tires whirring. But, in between, a brief stillness, a momentary silence.

But life noises flow back into the spaces where there was quiet. People noises slowly erode the stillness, push it back into its nowhere place. Life returns and clamors to be heard, to be listened to, to be dealt with.

Thoughts today of not having an illness. Moments when the symptoms (tremor) are almost non-existent; times when there is stillness. Note that illness is stillness without the first two letters--where ill has been traded for still. Hmmm!

I continue to explore the interesting phenomena of not having symptoms in my dream states. I continue to awaken in the dream, become lucid while in that state, and note my symptom-free condition. I continue to expect that I will recover and be able to help others find joy and compassion by me sharing my experiences.

I keep watching for the first signs of my being able to have recovered enough to begin that process. Up until now, the spiral keeps giving me only momentary glimpses of being whole again.

So, I go once again into the darkness, the evening sleep and hope that I awaken rested and whole. May it be so!

5845

False Evidence Appearing Real--FEAR! That was MSR's version of the acronym. Seems like a better reading than most that are found on the Web. Also ran across this quote from the Rigpa daily "glimpse"--

In a sense everything is dreamlike and illusory, but even so, humorously you go on doing things. For example, if you are walking, without unnecessary solemnity or self-consciousness, lightheartedly walk toward the open space of truth. When you sit, be the stronghold of truth. As you eat, feed your negativities and illusions into the belly of emptiness, dissolving them into all-pervading space. And when you go to the toilet, consider all your obscurations and blockages are being cleansed and washed away.

DUDJOM RINPOCHE

Very appropriate quote as related to my eating, sleeping and eliminating cycle of daily deeds. I practiced some of what he suggests today--walking, sitting, eating, and so forth.

Slept like a log this afternoon! Lay down after lunch and went out for several hours. Had an Afghan veggie feast of rice, eggplant, spinach and pumpkin--nice combo. Was going to eat a light lunch and have dinner at DeeDee's, but Afghan dish made that unnecessary.

Breathe in truth; exhale compassion! That was today's mantra and practice. Visit with MSR yesterday stirred up lots of thoughts about what it is that I'm doing or need to plan to be doing. Eating, sleeping and eliminating get me through the day, but have no substance, no meat, no compassionate outcomes.

I think I keep expecting to wake from one of my many sleeps and be "over" my problems, my issues, my symptoms. I awaken and find myself unchanged so I fall back asleep as if it's going to work the next time. Why do I expect that it will change, automagically? I know that it's not going to happen, yet I persist. I can't seem to find the handle to make the change.

Starting to cool down now. Evening comes creeping into the sky and streets. I'll probably read myself to sleep eventually, if not before. Sleep and dream! That "sleep of dreams"! All will be revealed, eventually!

5846

Long lost weekend, so far! Spent yesterday sleeping and reading. Rains started and today has been more of the same. Feeling like I need to be doing something, but don't know what that might be or how to get started. Keep surrendering with no concrete results.

Meeting with MSR in a short while. Will be good to see her and hear her wisdom. But, I'm wrestling with the devil and I feel like he's winning. I continue to be bummed out by my situation (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual). I continue to fall back into the darkness of my own thoughts. I can't seem to extricate myself from the shadows.

Had a very detailed dream last night. I was asked to work with a friend of mine on a proposal for some educational materials. We pulled the proposal together and needed the contact information of several people to send them review copies. I worked with some of the administrative team and they produced the contact data. While all of this was going on, there were two women in a nearby office. They had tickets to some kind of gala event that evening and were looking for two men to accompany them. All the time we were working on the proposal, they kept asking people if they knew of two available men. They asked about me and my friend, but we were too busy to respond.

Once the proposal was sent out, the two women returned and asked again if we were available. I thought it over and realized that neither of us had the proper clothes for the event. I told the women this, which was true based on how we were already dressed (very casual), and they left to go find someone to accompany them.

I realized at about this point in the dream the fact that I did not have symptoms in the dream state. I thought of this as I was thinking about the dream. It was a thought I had had about some previous dreams, but the first time I'd had the thoughts while dreaming. I just noted that fact and then checked my physical self--which did have symptoms.

As I awoke, the symptoms became more noticeable, in reality. But in the dream state, there were still no symptoms--and should not be any since the symptoms abate when I'm asleep.

Not sure where all this is headed, but it's a curious piece of information. About time to go meet with MSR. Started reading The Secret Society of Demolition Writers. It's a collection of several stories written by well-known writers, but with no attribution to them--they in effect are anonymous with regard to who wrote which story. Interesting concept! Idea was to give the writer the opportunity to write whatever he/she wanted to write, without consideration as to the readers knowing who wrote what.

A deluge is taking place outdoors right now. Hope MSR has pontoons on her vehicle!
*************************************
MSR made it through the torrential downpour. Was great to see her again after all of these years. She was filled with her characteristic joy and energy. We talked about a lot of things--illness, death, kids, past adventures, current projects, futures, and much more. She acknowledged my recent reality boink and what it possibly involves--the universe sending me a wakeup signal. She spoke of FEAR being an acronym for something I can't seem to recall--False Energy About Reality (perhaps). False Evidence Appearing Real seems to be the Google-consensus form, but her's was slightly different. I've asked her to email me her version--it somehow seemed more direct.

I need to start formulating some basic plans regarding what I want to have happen--what I intend to have happen. There are several unresolved issues that need attention. The main item is my diet, metabolism, and getting everything in working order--I'm tired of having to monitor what I eat and not being able to eat what I want to eat. There has to be remedy for this condition, and I need to find it. Perhaps it requires more exercise or whatever!

Rains are supposed to moderate after tonight. Was nice to get the moisture. It really cooled things down. I had a salad vert and a soup de poisson--was tasty, but I rather had the duck or tuna. Oh, well! I've taken my triphala. Sweet dreams!

5848-5847

Getting erratic with postings. Went dancing last night and got back late. Dancing was OK. Don't know a lot of the patterns so sat out a fair amount.

Came back and read a few more stories in an Elliott Perlman book, The Reasons I Won't Be Coming. One story, about a poet (I Was in a Childish Way Connected to the Established Order) who doesn't quite mesh with reality, is one of the most moving stories I have ever read.

It uses the opening lines from the Wasteland ("Let us go then, you and I...") as a repeated theme that is haunting and memorable. It's about how a person may not fit well with life, but is redeemed in a sad, but powerful way. Perlman's writing is edgy and complex, but always filled with deep emotions.

Am oscillating between the need to rest/sleep and feeling like I should be doing something, anything. Dreamed last night two different, but related, dreams.

One involved taking a couple of people on a tour of someone else's house. A labyrinthine place with many cross connected rooms and hallways. I had done (been in the house/dream) before--it was like a repeat or replay.

The second dream fails to emerge fully. It seemed to involve lots of people who were working on some major project or event. I noticed over the past few days that when I am dreaming I do not have symptoms in the dreams. The symptoms return when I awaken or come out of dreaming. I never seem to dream and have symptoms in the dream state. Interesting!

May just be coincidence or the way things are, but my thoughts want to make more of it--somehow harness the dream states to the healing process. Why not?

I also have noticed how my thoughts take any incidence I see or experience and make a story out of it--a rationale of cause and effect. It seems as if I can't do otherwise--I don't seem able to just observe--I have to add the story even though most often it's just gibberish thinking.

I had a clear moment yesterday where I saw myself juggling smoothly and actually did so. What I saw was what I did!

Not sure what's happening today. Food, as always, dominates the agenda, followed by sleep/rest and elimination. What a boring cycle of events. I grow weary of the repetition and seek diversion or difference. Yesterday, satisfied my craving for ice cream and picked up some It's It treats. Ate one and it was good! Have two more to be consumed judiciously, if that's possible.

Eat, sleep and eliminate. The two E's are connected and thus gets my more of my attention. The S part is the simplest and easiest to do.

Meet with MSR tomorrow. That should be enjoyable. Haven't seen her in ages.

On my walk yesterday, I cashed in--picked up a sheet of stamps that had been dropped. Finders keepers! They were the older 37 cent stamps, but I have a sheet of 1 cent stamps that make them work. A walkabout bonus!

5850-5849

Got lost in the nutrition form yesterday and today. Completed it and sent it on its way. Took a bit of time and energy. Felt it today when I failed to take an afternoon nap. But, I got the form completed.

Gave me a sense of what would happen if I were to be working. Exhaustion uber alles!

Dreams last few nights--rich dreams filled with details and story. Can only recall snippets now, but remember thinking about the dream content during the dreaming.

Days are becoming blurred together. Food and activities are so repetitive that it all mushes together. Long stint at the computer didn't help. In fact, it made my tremor act up some and made my arm muscle sore and tight.

Took a break today while completing the form to go get some lunch. Helped to break things up, but still missed taking a nap/rest.

Early to bed tonight or at least early to horizontal. Have to make up for lost rest cycles.

Spent a short time with L and had a piece of carrot cake! Mmmmm! Not on the diet, but tasted good. Still craving a milk shake or ice cream though. Hot weather makes me think of colder drinks and foods. Dance tomorrow night! Oh, yeah!

5851

Went to dance class tonight. Two new dances--a waltz and a Latin dance. Reviewed several of the previously taught dances. Getting late and I'm feeling somewhat zapped.

Spent day resting a lot. Did wake up exercises and walk, but rested/napped a lot today. Almost talked myself out of going to dance class. Went anyway and glad I did go. Felt good to move and dance even though I felt like I was having to put extra effort into learning the steps.

Tomorrow is open. Will work on the nutrition form, but not anything else planned. Weather was not so warm today. Not sure what's on for the morrow. Time for triphala and hit the mat.

5852

Cool down at the coast! Two different weather worlds between here and SC. I dressed for warm weather (shorts, sandals, t-shirt) and encountered coolness at the coast. What a difference a small mountain makes.

Today's "glimpse" from the Rigpa site is simple and direct--

Whatever joy there is in this world
All comes from desiring others to be happy,
And whatever suffering there is in this world
All comes from desiring myself to be happy.

SHANTIDEVA

Today's treatment dealt almost exclusively with me pretending that my body/mind parts are connected (there's a joke in having to pretend that this is true). Also practiced pretending to be telling the truth (another chuckle here as well).

Got more affirmation of my progress and some interesting insights into what I'm "holding on to" as I progress. Confirmed that moving my right arm involves moving my whole body even though I try and make it otherwise. Worked a lot with my upper right arm and shoulder--letting go of sensations in those areas that are restricting motion.

Thoughts about thoughts and using thoughts (imaginings, pretendings) to set the pace, drive the process--instead of negative thoughts and fears. It's all about taking control of the Mind and following the statement highlighted above from Shantideva. It's a balancing act to hold that focus, but the Mind (not the ordinary mind, but the universal Mind) can be made to achieve that balance.

As the evening cooled down, I lapsed into a "nap" state and have just awakened feeling refreshed and renewed. What a difference a nap makes. About time for a dose of triphala and a return to nap state, if that's possible (napping that is not dosing... Hmmm! Dosing is close to dozing!).

So, had a good session today (as always). Learned some new things to practice/do/repeat. It's all about imagining/pretending--from the heart! And following Shantideva's advice. Om Ah Hung Benza Guru Pema Siddhi Hung!

Just discovered a World Prayer site that's really nice--
http://www.worldprayers.org/index.html
Give the prayer wheel a spin!

5855-5853

Mom's Day! Happy Day to all the Mom's! Warm day today.

Missed making posts on Friday and Saturday. Actually a fair amount of things happened other than my standard daily rituals. Friday made it to local CW dance. Nice crowd and was able to hang in and extend my time there--more so than at previous dances. Was a good confirmation of my state of being.

Dreamed several dreams over the past few nights. One was an elaborate dream about being in a theater that was transforming itself into a series of rides. The dream was monumental in scope and content.

Had another dream about a theater as well--about finding my way through its maze-like corridors and passageways. There were other dreams--one involving some art work that was appearing on shipping boxes.

Last night L and I went to the Dances for Universal Peace. Been a while since I've attended, but time is right for it. Did get slightly exhausted after two hours of movement. But, the sense of the evening was right on--it felt like something I need to do more of--movement and chanting with a spiritual focus. Will start attending regularly. I came away from the evening feeling quiet and still. Interestingly, I remembered most of the dances and songs even though it's been forever since I was there. That's unlike the CW dances where there's a disconnect with the older dances. Curious!

Lady at DUP, DL, has husband with PD. He's in his 80's and has only been on medication for a few years. They had looked into the PDRecovery process, but decided to take the conventional route.

Hot today! Really hot! Have session tomorrow in SC. Going to be hot there as well! Looking forward to a break in the weather with some cooling happening.

Will write a longer post based on tomorrow's treatment. For now, it's too warm for my computer. Think I'll give it a break!

5856

Another warm day. Going to be a long, hot summer. Went to the chiropractor this morning, after rituals and breakfast. Had lunch at Garden Fresh. Good food! Made with care.

Slept/rested in the afternoon. Now cooling off some. Decided to not go to dance class on Thursdays. Too much input for me. Better off meditating/being quiet.

Fruit and cottage cheese for dinner.

Spent some cycles looking at the Babaji web site. They have an ashram in CO. When I'm stronger and more integrated will look into going there, or other similar places. The cost of staying there is not great and the benefits could be wonderful. Om Namah Shivaya!

Japa, aarati, karma yoga, peace and stillness. I asked for guidance and I just realized that I had been "sent" the link to Babaji. Hmmm! Asked and I did receive! Even though I didn't connect the two events. Story of my life! Need to look into it some more.

Week winding down. Nothing of substance happened or manifested this week (other than Babaji links). Cooling off, cooling down! Watch the world go round and round!

5857

Warm afternoon! Turned on the AC in the truck as I puddled about today. Did morning ritual before the heat built up. Had breakfast of fruit and cereal with almond milk. Lunch at DeeDee's. Dinner of fruit and yogurt. Will drink a dose of triphala tonight before retiring. Had an iced chai latte this afternoon (was good and cooling, sweet and tasty). Will see what effects it has on my system. I feel the need for caffeine since I'm so lethargic. I know the potential issues with using a stimulant, but it feels good to be alert for a change.

MD dropped by today. Was good to see him and catch up. There was a person in a wheelchair at Starbuck's who was showing a PD tremor. Arm held erect from the elbow with his/her hand waving in the breeze. My tremor was a bit active from the excitement of meeting with MD.

Got a note from PRC in response to my health update. She had talked with a person in her doctor's waiting room who had been diagnosed with PD 14 years ago. She said he looked really healthy and had no sign of tremor. I wish she had gotten his name/number/contact info. It would be really interesting to hear what he's done/is still doing. There must be others out there who have taken the "road less traveled" and been successful. I would love to meet those individuals.

Not sure what I'm going to do about the heat in this place. It's bad enough now and it's not yet really warm. It was handy to sit at Starbuck's where it was cool. I may have to search out several WiFi places with AC and start spending my afternoons there--assuming I can stay semi-vertical for longer periods of time.

Got several messages from people on my F&F list. It's great to hear from everyone. It was good to meet with and talk to MD. Time to come out of my shell, I suppose.

Think I'm going to punt on Thursday night dance class. It's more than I can handle right now. Will just stick with the Tuesday class and focus there. Dances? Will have to see! Stamina is the issue. Have to find a way to build up my reserves in some way.

Also need to find a way to get out, get away more. Right now, my whole existence is linked to my apartment. Have to be able to function away from here as well. Small steps first--then longer/more distant explorations. LL wrote about her planned trips to India and for a retreat. Sounds wonderful!

I need a retreat--a respite from myself!

Researched where there are Nyingma centers. They are mostly in the East Bay (Berkeley and Oakland) with a few in SF area. Not much down this way. Too bad! I'll keep looking. I am clearly pulled to that material and tradition--I just need to make a path that works.

Om Ah Hung Denza Guru Pema Siddhi Hung -- Oh, yeah!

5858

Was a lazy, hazy day! Got up and did morning rituals and then went back to sleep. Got up and went out for lunch and came back and slept. Almost didn't get myself to dance class. Finally went to class. Had some experience of feet/legs not wanting to move. Also had experience of relearning an older dance--one I used to do and liked a lot. It was like learning a totally different dance this time.

Got several messages from people on my F&F list who got yesterday's update. Good to hear from everyone.

I was a bit bummed by dance class and my lack of stamina and lazy feet. Seems like there's something I could be doing to make things better, but stamina remains an issue. My appetite has increased over the past several days even though I haven't been more active. Body trying to tell me something. Starting to regain my paunch, but need to be adding muscle and not flab.

Ready for bed tonight. Make my triphala night cap and packing it in.

5859

Below is copy of the update health message I sent to F&F today. In addition, I had a major dream last night. The dream actually came in two pieces, but were related. They had to do with me and a team of people going to seaside town to help set up a technology museum.

The first part of the dream involved getting the team to the town. We had booked tickets on the Internet. Because of some glitch, we had actually booked over 70,000 tickets. The system had trapped the error and nothing strange happened. There was just the irony of the tech-team having such techno-problems.

The second part of the dream dealt with the installation. We worked it all out and even used feng shui to layout certain sections. There was a gala opening and we were there as the guests of honor. There was much more detail in the actual dream--almost step-by-step scenes involving the exhibitions and displays. It was a very satisfying dream--I felt good when I awakened and recalled the dream states.

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Hi all--
I've been back in Palo Alto for just over two months now. I've settled in here and am doing well. I'm still don't have boundless energy, but I'm noticeably improving.

I've started taking dance lessons (CW line dance) twice a week and have made it to a few dances so far. I'm continuing treatments on an every-other-week schedule in Santa Cruz. For those of you who have been tracking my daily (almost) blog, you know that my days are fairly routine. As a Tibetan lama pointed out all one needs do is eat, sleep and eliminate. If that's all there is to do, I'm well on the road to enlightenment.

A few indicators of how I'm doing--I noticed that my daily walk of about 1.25 miles had been taking less time recently. I seem to be speeding up over that distance. I'll need to extend the distance in order to increase the time.

My cognitive disruptions associated with saying what I'm thinking has improved. I don't seem to have as many "senior moments" when I'm talking with people now. People keep telling me how healthy I look even though I'm still fairly thin from losing weight.

Noticed something curious with dancing--I know and can dance the new dances that I've recently learned, but can't remember some of the older dances. My explanation is that my brain is utlilizing/making new pathways. It's the oddest sensation! I have to reteach myself how to do some of the dances that I supposedly already know. This fact also applies to other mind/body activities.

Oh, yes! My tremor! For the most part, it is in the background. Still there sometimes more than others, but very quiet. If I get into a stressful situation, it resurfaces with more intensity, but I have periods each day now where I "forget" it's there.

I worked with a nutritionist to evaluate my body chemistry/metabolism and identified a host of supplements, which I've been taking daily. I stuck with a low-carb, no-sugar, more protein diet for a couple of weeks, but had trouble eating animal proteins. So I went back to eating more fruits, dairy (cottage cheese and yogurts), grains (oats, rice, etc.) and am much happier digestion-wise. Will see the nutritionist soon for a follow-up and assess what's happening.

Have been taking an ayurvedic digestion remedy, triphala (contains three herbs), that has magically stabilized my digestion (along with my food shifts that I made). It's also supposed to help with energy and immune system functions. Not sure I've noticed anything in those areas, but digestion is normalized (although I still don't think I'll try a pizza just yet).

I spend a lot of my day resting/sleeping. I don't have the stamina, yet, for sustained activity. I wake up in the morning, do 30-minute Qigong session, eat breakfast (and take supplements), go for a walk (1.25 miles), and usually come back and rest or nap before doing anything else. And so goes the rest of the day--activity of some duration followed by rest or nap.

I'm not having problems sleeping at night (even with sometimes substantial naps during the day). I've started looking for a bicycle so I can add riding to my daily activities. I've considered joining a gym, but don't feel I'm quite ready for that yet.

The PDTeam in SC continue to tell me how well I'm doing and progressing. Seeing one of them every other week appears to be a good balance right now. Will move to once a month sessions at some point. Right now, every other week gives me a check-in point that helps me gauge my progress/results.

When I'm not eating, sleeping or eliminating, I continue to do some of the exercises (mental and physical) that I learned from the team, read (am currently reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, by Sogyal Rinpoche--fascinating work--and Power of Mind as Healer by another Tibetan lama), practice juggling (I'm getting close to be able to do multiple throws), and some yoga.

There is no definite prognosis regarding when I'll be fully recovered. I'm just taking each day as it comes and working with whatever presents itself. I signed a year's lease on my apartment. I figure that when it comes time for renewal, I'll have a good sense of what I need to do next.

Thanx again for everyone's support and prayers. I appreciate each and every one of you and for the energy you direct my way... It's working! Love and blessings to you all...

5861-5860

Yesterday was a full day--got up and did normal morning rituals, rested for a bit and daughter dropped by for lunch. Then rested briefly, met with French couple (He was here for treatments), then rested again and then went dancing. Got tired about two hours into dancing, but not unexpected given the full day before that.

Today--rested/napped a lot. Did morning rituals, but then napped out until lunch. Ate a hearty lunch and went horizontal again. Rested, napped and read through the afternoon. Apartment got warm from the sun and made it even more conducive to zoning out. Cooled down now and I feel awake/alert. Just had a bowl of cereal with bananas as a late snack. Dinner was a pear and cottage cheese.

Daughter brought some food from the Garden Fresh place (healthy veggie foods--big portions). Have to add them to my round of places to eat or get food. She brought a stir-fry with veggies and an eggplant with tofu/rice dish. We had enough for lunch yesterday and for my lunch today, plus some leftovers.

Daughter's "good news" report was that she's been on the Dean's List at school for several terms, but didn't know it. Her grades are also good enough that she has the possibility of graduating in the Fall summa cum laude. That fact will open more doors to her for colleges to attend and for scholarships/student loans. Truly good news!

She's looking into doing honor's classes for her remaining courses.

Dancing last night went fairly well. Noticed an interesting nuance--I remember the new dances (ones I've been taught in recent classes), but have "forgotten" some of my older favorites. It's as if my brain is being rewired! Strange, strange!

Met with the couple from France. He's been coming to SC for five years. He was diagnosed over 10 years ago and took medication before coming to SC. He was one of the people who found out that the recovery treatments conflict with the taking of medications. He got better, but has had relapses in the past couple of years. The treatments work, but his symptoms are much more pronounced and present.

I was moved by his plight. I offered what little I had to tell them about my treatments and the visualization processes. When he started, the team was not doing much visualization work.

He also does not have a practitioner to work with when he's home. His wife does what she can do, but it's not like having a trained practitioner. I suggested that he find a sacro-cranial specialist and "train" them (direct them) as to what to do ("move the energy down my right arm", etc.). In fact, I'm going to experiment with doing that myself utilizing the CS specialist that's already done work with me.

In talking with them, couldn't help but thinking about my own situation--whether or not I'll deteriorate instead of heal. Bummer thoughts for a while after being with them, but later on a new sense of resolve, of commitment. Went to dance last night even though I could have begged off. Have to participate! Have to move.

Man at dance came up and told me his father had had PD. He was one of the early ones who tried electro-surgery. It didn't help or hurt his situation, but it sure made an impression on his son--the man who told me the story.

I continue to read the Living and Dying book. A wealth of information in that text. Moves me to want to look further into the basis of that tradition and set of rituals/concepts. Much that can be done--looking forward to doing it!

Also time for an update to be sent out to my F&F distribution list. Been two months since I moved into this place. The days have zoomed by! Will write an update in the morrow.

5862

Went dancing and feet moved as directed by the brain for about two hours--then they stopped talking to each other. Was good to discover that last night's heavy feet was transitory. I walked today without issues and rested quite a bit. Just have to take it one dance at a time.

Breakfast was fruit and cottage cheese. Lunch: DeeDee's (veggie Indian). Dinner: Fruit and cottage cheese. Snacks: two tangelos (mini sized ones). Triphala before going to bed (this remedy seems to be keeping my stomach on an even keel along with careful choice of food). Will have to experiment with a wider range of food items along with continued use of the remedy. Add a small amount of one or two food items and see what happens.

Tomorrow will be a busy day--meeting with my daughter for lunch (she has some "good news"), meeting with the French couple regarding my experiences with the treatments, and a Black and White Cinco de Mayo dance tomorrow night.

I'm glad I went dancing tonight. I almost didn't go after last night's class experience. I was getting into a "why bother" state of mind. But, I convinced myself that I should at least go and see what happens--be prepared to be surprised--and I was, happily so. It was a good lesson in being in the moment instead of being in my head.

Ego, ego! The sneaky ego trying to talk me out of going--making a convincing case for not doing anything except think negative thoughts--instead of just dancing. And it was good to see people there as well. I noticed that I sat so that I isolated myself--need to not keep doing that. Need to mix and mingle.

Feel good from making it to the dance tonight. Will read a bit before going to sleep. Oh, yes! I've been having detailed dreams the past few nights. I didn't write them down, but there were two of them--one each night.

In brief, the first one involved me being hassled by some kids. I grabbed on of them and started pounding on him. In actuality, I threw myself out of bed and across the floor. I ended up smacking the wall several times, as If I were hitting the kid. I awoke sprawled across the floor with some skinned knuckles.

The second involved being on a house boat on a river. There was some altercation that involved guns. Me and two other men ended up shooting some people. The dream was quite vivid--very realistic.

Both dream states were triggered by the Living and Dying book, which talked about the bardos and the intermediate states in this living bardo--awake, falling asleep, dreaming, etc. I'm sure that the book's statements and the remembered dreams are related.

Will keep my dream eye open tonight.

5863

Went to dance class tonight. My brain isn't talking to my feet. It's like I'm having to learn to move again. My shoes were a bit sticky (or the floor was), but that didn't account for all of the communication breakdowns. I've had hints of this in earlier classes, but tonight was especially noticeable. Will go dancing tomorrow evening and see if there are differences. But, looks like I have to retrain the brain (and the feet).

Today's meals were relatively light--Breakfast: fruit, cottage cheese and yogurt. Lunch: Chinese food (rice and veggie deluxe with tofu). Dinner: tangelo. Drank a cup of warm water and triphala when I returned from dancing. Of course, took my many supplements. Exercised (Qigong and walk today), plus did laundry. Oh, yes! Snack: plain cake donut (1).

Continue to read the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. Rich, deep content. Really appropriate at this time, place, concurrence. As I was exercising this morning, I saw the Recycle Thief go through the recycle containers and take redeemable items. Based on what I've been reading, I experience a tension between wanting to report him for his actions and wanting to be compassionate--that might be his only way to make money and eat. He clearly is accumulating bad karma. He appears, parks his bike down the street, then furtively approaches the storage areas and does his extraction. He clearly knows he is doing something illegal by the way he looks around and assays the place before diving into the containers.

Prior to reading the book, I would have said he should be reported and made to pay. After all, he's actually stealing from me (and others). But, now I'm of two minds (Oh, no! Not another mind, please!) and don't see a clear resolution. It's like a koan than the universe has given me to ponder as I do my morning rituals. Oh, yes, it's even worse--his wife (I assume that's who she is) often steps in for him and does the dirty deed as well. A family of recycle thieves.

So that's today's components--recycle thieves and brain/foot communication breakdowns. What a wonderful life!

5864

Today was a beautiful day, in all respects. Outside, it was a spectacular, cool, yet sunny vista. Inside, it was a calm, joyful, peaceful state of being. I felt as good as I've felt in months. I felt healthy, rested, not anxious, alive, awake, and peaceful. Oh, yeah!

Awoke and did Qigong, had breakfast (oatmeal, fruit, cinnamon, butter and sugar), went for a walk (rapid pace), came back and rested/read until lunch (DeeDee's Indian buffet). Did some errands, went to the library and picked up some reading materials. Came back and read for most of the afternoon. Did some yoga, rested some, but stayed awake.

Dinner was a pear and cottage cheese (love those flavors together). Got a call from the French couple and they want to meet on Saturday. He's doing treatments and wants to hear about my experience. Will be good for both of us to exchange notes.

Had an amusing experience this afternoon. I was downtown and when I came to a traffic light there was an older woman hobbling across the street. She is one of the downtown street people who lives in one of the low rent hotels. She was using a cane to help her walk and balance. At one point, her hand came out of her sweater pocket and a dollar bill fell onto the street.

The light changed and there was an illegal parking spot (red lined) that I pulled into, turned on my flashers, and jumped out. I retrieved the dollar from the intersection and ran after the woman and gave her back her dollar. There was another street person standing nearby, who also had a cane. He stuck out his hand and asked me to give him a dollar as well. I couldn't help but laugh and give him one.

Anyway, it was pleasant interlude along the way today.

5865

Hot today, but not as warm as past few days--or I'm getting used to it.

Got up this morning and did regular activities (Qigong, breakfast:oatmeal with banana, sugar, butter and cinnamon; went for a walk) and then had to rest.

Met friend P for lunch: rasta pea cookup at Mango's. Place may have changed hands. Food was not as good and prices were higher. Came back after a couple of hours and had to sleep some.

Trip over to SC yesterday was worthwhile, but missed my naps/rests and had to make them up today. Decided to not go to dance class tonight--following what my body seems to want to do.

Had fruit, cottage cheese and yogurt for dinner. Nice cool dish up against the heat of the day.

Nothing definite planned for tomorrow. Friend, RLB, is the featured poet at a reading tomorrow evening. Not sure I'll attend, but nothing decided right now.

The month of May is here! This coming weekend will be festive, no doubt. One of the dances (at least) has a Cinco de Mayo theme--at least in the food department.

What a day this has been! What a rare mood I'm in! Why it's almost like being in health! Oh, yeah! I feel very light and airy tonight.

5866

Awoke early. Felt rested and awake. Did Qigong, ate breakfast (oatmeal with bananas, sugar and butter) and went for walk. Brilliant day! Everything seemed still and quiet. Was a magical sense around the colors and the trees. Impermanent, but filled with joy and light.

Heading over to SC for a treatment. Symptoms are quiet. Had a sensation of not having symptoms at some point this morning. Was nice! Impermanent, but nice to know it's possible.

Well, onward to healing I go! Back later with more details.
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Just recalled a dream from Sat night. I was in a tumble-down place near a river. The place was filled with tourists and people who lived in the area. There was something to do with a building. It was for rent, but needed repairs. The overall dream was quite lengthy and convoluted. There were comings and goings, and all kind of details related to the properties. It was a very active dream.
*************************************
Great session in SC today. Feel like I have a new right arm! Tremor subsided as Chris worked on the arm, muscle, shoulder, back. Things have been really quiet since then.

We did a lot of visualization of me standing in my heart. While there, I juggled, talked, danced, read, slept, ate, walked, and performed all of the other things I do in life. Seems like a vibrant metaphor for life--doing everything from the heart!

He asked me at the end of the session if I were willing to talk to another client who's having difficulties. I said I'd be happy to do so. I also get that it's a confirmation of my own state of recovery--which was good to hear.

They have my telephone number and will call me to set up a time to talk. The client is from France and is here in the area right now.

Will see my daughter tomorrow, and possibly my friend P.

Today food was slightly different--Lunch: cottage cheese and two soft boiled eggs. Dinner: Caesar salad with chicken strips. Been trying to eat more protein, but not overwhelm my system. Bought a bag of fruit and such today at the store. Enjoying the simpler diet.

Neighbors decided to crank up the BBQ tonight. Have to shut the door to minimize the fumes. This too shall pass! This too!

Passed a wreck on highway 17 today on trip to SC. Motorcycle went down. Impermanence!