6200

Faint dream memories. Hazy partial scenes that may or may not have been dream stuff. Could have been reverb images from the movie, Fight Club. Weird movie. Could see the Landmark influences. A lot of the dialog was right out of the various seminars.

Only thing that really hooked me was the question posed regarding being near death and what a person would like to do. If I knew I was dying, what is it that I would want to have done?

As I pondered that question, I realized that the question is not theoretical. Everyone is in the process of dying. Each minute brings us one step closer to the edge, the end, the final snooze. I know that I know that this is true, but I still act as if it's some distant future event. For whatever reasons, I am becoming more aware of this ending point and what I would like to have done before it arrives.

Of course, and as always, the word writer manifests and moves to center stage. I want to be a writer jumps into thought. But I am a writer, so that's not it. I want to write a body of work that reflects my soul, my being, the patch of inner clarity that I know I possess. I want to write some things of lasting grace--some things of importance and value to others.

So somewhere in last night's looking, listening, and dreaming I realized that if I wish to have this happen, for the stated condition to become true and real, that I need to be doing whatever it takes to make that happen. Everything, my health, my actions, my inactions, my constant thoughts must be such that they support the outcome--of me being a writer who writes things of lasting grace.

That focal idea and doses of food, walking, chiropractic and a nap makes me feel more integrated today. Yesterday, I was out of my body and into uncomfortable spaces of self pity, worry, fear, anxiety, stress, depression, feeling trapped, feeling hopeless, wanting to act but not doing anything. As evidenced by yesterday's post, I was tumbling and not coping well with where I find myself.

Had to get up and out this morning to make it to the chiropractor. Felt disoriented when I left. It's been a few days that I've driven anywhere. I spent all of yesterday, except for a jaunt to the grocery, indoors and not moving a lot. Movement helps break up the fuzz. Dance class tonight will help restore some of my equilibrium.

Men's team was supposed to go to Livermore tomorrow. I've not sent out a notice or anything. I really don't care to go, but could do so as long as I don't have to drive. Can't help reflecting on Fight Club and what the team used to be--when were closer to our original weekend. We've become pretty loose and flaky. Attrition has had its way with the group as a whole. Individuals are still functioning and on track, but some of us have lapsed and are wavering.

So what can I write that needs writing, that helps remove the veil? I am still feeling bombarded by where I am with everything and what I'm doing and not doing. At the grocery store today, I avoided talking to a person that I've know for some time--I was feeling small and frail and didn't want to present myself in that state. I did manage to say hello to an old neighbor. We exchanged a few catch-up facts, but nothing of substance or detail, nothing of importance. Not that every encounter has to be of ultimate importance, but it could be more--it could be more.

So I know (have known) where it is I need to go. Into a state of action where everything I do is directed toward my ultimate intention, the selected goal. I will spend some time this afternoon starting to sketch out how I can make that happen.

The final day of the month. A new month steps forward tonight. May I find the transition joyful, exciting, exhilarating and filled with light.

6201

Another night of not recalling dreams. New place, new bed, new patterns. Especially staying up late and getting up early. Yes, I did get up again and take the dog for an early morning (really early morning) walk.

Continuing to mull my plans and situations. Trying to come to some resolution, some form and structure. What is it I really want to do? That is the key element, the one that escapes attention. Where I do I not go.

I want to be healthy, creative, alive, writing, supplementing my income from writing, living in a place that I find comfortable and supportive, and on and on. I want to be in a close relationship; I don't believe I want to live alone and in isolation. I want to be more in connection with my kids and grandkids.

I've been down this list so many times before. The list never really changes. What's missing? Follow through. Picking a starting point and moving ahead with actions instead of thought experiments. Decisions in the place of worries.

My time here at L's is opening up a window onto the landscape that know I inhabit, but refuse to see. It is an empty, barren scene that presents itself to me.

Last night or evening, I kept getting what seemed like a glimpse into a set of actions. What to do centered around not being so conservative with my current resources. I was seeing myself being more expansive, extended, engaged. I guess what I've noticed over the past few days is how small I'm playing, how constrained and locked into rigid, tight actions that have more the effect of ritual than substance. I know this sounds obtuse, but it's really quite simple.

I've ritualized getting my laundry done each week. It gives me something to do on Friday between 9am and 10am, and around 4:30pm. It's a concrete set of actions that reside on my internal calendar and provide me with reasons--to get up that day, early; to do something just prior to yoga; to do later that day when I pick stuff up. How important is this set of actions--not very in the larger scheme of things. Doing those things take the place of doing something really vital, really worthwhile.

It is like marking time. I'm in a marking time loop. Really came to the forefront when I settled in here at L's for 14+ days. What am I doing here? Watching the place and caretaking plants and animals. That handles 1+ hours per day. What about the remaining 23 hours? I suddenly find myself marking time, big time.

Since I have a kitchen, I no longer have to run out and forage for each meal. Can pull together something here, which leaves me with even more free time. More time to mark. It was more noticeable this weekend (long weekend with a holiday) and with no dances, dance classes or yoga to fill in the gaps. I'm suddenly faced with huge blocks of time and no clear plan as to what can be done with that open resource. There a few ritual groups of time, but nothing that fills up the suddenly wide open stretches of empty minutes.

Blogging helps, but it too only absorbs just so many cycles. I keep looking up and seeing my face in the mirror. And there is the deafening silence--no one to talk with, no one I need to say anything to as the days unfold. Except, perhaps, this dialog with myself, this conversation that rebounds from a distant wall, like standing alone in a racquetball court and playing against myself. It can be a cooperative or competitive game, but the result has got to be the same. Score 0-0, forever if I don't change the rules, alter the strategy.

Just finished a story by Munro, Family Furnishings. It was about a person who became a writer and used some of her family's history in a story. The aunt, whom the story was based on, saw the story and was incensed at the violation of familial boundaries. The whole piece had an Escher-like quality about it--writer writing about her family in a story that was about her family, and so on. Left me with a sense of dislocation, or a highlighting of the dislocation that I'm experiencing.

I realize I have considerations, holdbacks, as I write--even here in the blog. I'm not fully expressing all that's going on with me, within me, and I don't want to put more on the table--even though the content of this blog is worthless. I am using the convenience of the blog to help me with Writing Down the Bones. My scribblings continue to cycle back and forth between my whining and my careful emptying. So not much is happening except bins are being filled with words--words without focus, words without end, Amen.

I find that I want to amend or edit some of the above. The content of the writing is worthless, but the act is not. I know that, for a fact. The act of writing and doing it consistently is worthwhile. Whether or not it leads to anything of meaning is in another domain, another field of argument.

So with that puzzling profundity or profanity, as the case may be, I continue on with my time marking and what I may discover in making such marks.

6202

Note from L. She arrived smoothly and is eating, walking and lounging in the sauna (not all at the same time). She'll be on the move a lot during the next week, heading for the get together scheduled for next weekend.

I got up early this morning and took Cody for an early walk. It was quiet and peaceful. We encountered no other dogs, which for me was less stressful, but for Cody probably not all that exciting. I'm oscillating between catatonia and high anxiety. So much coming together, coming into focus around my feeling weird and so on.

Haven't remembered a dream since I've been at L's place. Getting up at 5:45AM didn't help, but I didn't recall any dream fragments as I awoke. Watched the tube last night and that may have preempted dream remembrance.

Was listening to an author (McCall???) on NPR today. He's quite prolific and has written in several different areas--fiction, poetry, non-fiction, etc. I was moving about and didn't get to hear the full interview. Wanted to hear the "secret" of such proclivity. Like the show I watched yesterday on PBS about Maya Lin, the woman who designed the Vietnam War Memorial (and several other major installations). The simplicity, the clarity, was impressive.

I know I have to find my own "secret,", my own way through the maze. But, I feel weighed down by circumstance and situation. I feel overwhelmed by the negative side of ledgers. I feel that I'm starting late and will never be able to overcome that lateness. Sometimes. I also feel that I have almost no choice. Need to get on with it. The minutes tick away and time passes no matter what I do or do not do.

I went back to my room to pick up some items. The place already seems strange and unfamiliar. Only a few days from having lived there and now it seems like another setting. Having my laptop die on me was not something I wanted to deal with during my dislocation from there to here, from my cave to L's place.

I am having to make do and will need to shell out important bucks to reclaim the tool, but I dread going through that hoop.

I keep envisioning me incrementing my way through a stabilization process, one that ends up with me feeling safe, good about where I live, with everything set up so I can be productive and efficient, creative and prolific. I envision a place/time/set up where I am not dealing with incremental, continuous, back-to-back breakdowns (of all sizes and dimensions)--like I've been doing for the past year, perhaps for all of my life.

As I was shaving this morning, I noticed that my face and forehead are scrofulous--scaly and flaky. Something in my diet still not right. Up close, I look like an untouchable. I look like I am covered with the scruffy stuff on a newborn--I wish. Cebum, I believe it's called. Anyway, my skin looks like I just popped out--perhaps a recapitulation--again, I wish.

Didn't win the lottery. No one won. So the groove rolls on. The state's about to start an even bigger Power Ball-style offering. Let the good times troll.

My back is killing me sitting in L's cobbled-together work station. Good place to end this undirected dither. Time to read. Back to Munro and Oates--steady rowing.

6203

Having a difficult time adjusting to new place, new routine. Feeling frantic and out of body in a lot of ways. Just did some exercises to ground myself. Looks like I'll need to keep doing that too keep myself from floating away.

Not certain how to characterize what's happening. It's like I've been tossed onto a strange planet and I'm having to figure things out anew for each task, each action. Has some relationship to having stopped ingesting caffeine. Oscillating between being tired and wanting to sleep, holing up and wanting to read, running out into the street yelling at the top of my lungs.

Realized in making this temporary move how isolated I've become, I've been. I'm feeling alone, isolated and not able to bring my actions into sharp focus. Some grief over losing my computer, although I did have the key items backed up.

But, I still shrink back when I think of what I will have to do to replace that computer and resurrect my old files, if that is even possible. I see clearly that I need to get stabilized. I need a stable place where I can settle in, settle down, and put some order in my situation. Right now, everything is too loose, too disorganized, too chaotic--even for me.

Fortunately, I'm able to use L's computer system to make do and write these posts. That means I can also continue my story-writing exercises once I get settled more and if I want to do that. L's setup is really jury rigged, but it's better than nothing. Could have been nothing. That would have sent me in a different direction. So old and alone. Not in the peak of health. Ailments and frailties manifesting where before there was nothing.

Interim solutions that have to be superseded by more comprehensive plans. Darkness and light; turbulence and stillness. These two weeks are giving me a chance to really reflect on exactly what it is I think I must do, where I must go, how I am to get there--to that place of stability and relative calm. A voice reminds me that I should have started sooner, but that's no longer a possibility. I have from now to then--not a great distance or space. A brief flicker of star light.
****************************
I will grow accustomed to my current state. I will be able to expand out from here once I'm past the initial shock and awe. I just didn't realize how fragile my systems are right now, how only a mild perturbation creates huge effects. Just went and got a bake-at-home pizza. Nice to have a kitchen, but this one requires a lot of learning curve to locate where things are kept. Pizza pan, pizza cutter, oven, timer, really crisp shell, leftovers for tomorrow, wrapping paper, scissors, etc. Lots of detailed thoughts versus being served a pizza.

Pizza was good, but now I just want to go back to sleep. Didn't fuel my system. Took as much energy as it gave--breakeven state. Don't know why I'm carrying on about the stupid pizza. Because I want to just keep writing until I write myself back to sanity. I am not fully functioning and somehow I hope that writing will make me so. Or will change the state to some other channel. I'm tired of the current show--it's pathetic, whiny and not healthy. Day has been overcast and cooler than other recent days. Feels good to be a bit cool versus sticky and warm.

My mind just shut down, came unlocked. I was wondering what I was writing about, why I was writing, and what I ever hope to accomplish with this narcisstic exercise. My mind went blank; it short circuited briefly, leaving a space into which nothing fell except my current thoughts. Which, by the way, just went to ice cream. Hmmm.

What a tangled web we weave when first we practice with our sleeve. Now the turbulence of the mindstorms begins to produce trivia and tales. Requisite dimensions unfold and elaborate. There are currents everywhere, but none with the energies of the ideations.

Time to repent, relent, re-rent, resent, remain unbent. Have to mention issue of viagra and blindness--perhaps the old wives' tales were right--about too much sex and blindness. Oh, well. Enough of this old rambling stuff. Almost.

Completed the Doctorow book, City of God. Made it through and finally began to understand some of its structure and wanderings, but still a difficult read. Back to good old Munro and some quiet narratives, unfolding tales.

6204

Have moved into L's place for the next two weeks. Dog, cat, fish, yard all need attention. So day has gone in a flash and like forever as well. Plus I had technical difficulties--blue screen of death appeared and took out my laptop.

So, this is going to be short and sweet. I'm here. It's not exactly working out like I expected. I'm bummed and pissed. Can't think about next steps tonight. Need to get some sleep and see what the new day brings.

Goodbye old laptop. RIP, technically.

6205

Woozy, doozie. Feeling bluesy. All manner of weird sensations happening. Anxiety? Perhaps, but not clear over what exactly. L is leaving. I'm sitting her place/animals, etc. Feeling like I'd rather be hiding in my cave.

Weather is warm to hot. Adding fuel to the fire in some strange way. The tremor in my right arm continues to shake, to manifest. I smashed my finger. Just want to be quiet, sit quiet, stay quiet, be still, and other meditative actions.

Feel like the next two weeks are going to be more disruptive than normal because of being on the move, being between places. So what? What's the big deal? I don't know, but it feels like a big deal somehow.

Transfer and shift. Move and dance. Mark the patterns; row the boats. I feel like I'm exploding, expanding and inflating. Reaching out of my container. There are also the men's team meetings--two of them during this period. More to deal with; more to do. Want to not do; not move; rest.

Also feeling like I'm reacting to caffeine again. Like it's sending my systems out of bounds, off the charts in some way. Today is a lost day, a day without reason. My dreams were there last night, but boiled away in the waking into anxiety moments. Wanted to sleep this morning. Just wanted to climb back in bed and sleep, rest, recover, repair, rebate, restore.

Construction crews began their noisemaking early, at the first second of allotted times. Pound and hammer, saw and grind. Making the noises of building, the cacophony of progress.

So it is with a jumbled soul that I arrive and mark down these words, leave faint tracks across these pages. Time to shift and begin. Time to loosen all the fetters and set sail. For where, I cannot seem to know.

6206

Mushy dreams. Fragments and pieces of dream elements are all that survived. There was a scene where we were dancing or taking a dancing lesson. I was floating over the group, dancing in the air. Later there was something to do with me telling a person something personal. I kept trying to communicate a piece of information, but the transmission kept getting tangled and I had to start over again.

Clock was set to ring early so I could get up and take my truck to the dealer's for a service. Earliest I've awakened in several months. So off into the cool morning air before the sun rides higher.
****************************
Truck dropped off and rode the bus back to city center, then walked home. Took a nap and read some. Doctorow book starting to make some sense. It's jumbled timewise so makes it tough to follow, in addition to the stylistical variations.

I'm glad it's starting to make some sense--I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever be able to grok what he was saying.

Feeling like I'm unhinged somehow--out of control and staggering along a bunch of uncertain pathways, headed nowhere. The Doctorow book isn't helping--it's making my brain hurt with the effort of trying to read the story, to understand what he's saying. There's clergymen, rabbis, Wittgenstein, concentration camp victims, writers, movie makers and more. It's like reading a novel soup--dozens of ingredients chopped and thrown together, stirred into a broth.

Truck repairs may be the first ones where I have to actually pay something. E, the shop person, said he'd look into any recalls or such that might cover the diagnostic, but it still might cost me something. Been several years--three years too the date almost--so it's not such a big deal.

Mentally, I'm going over checklists of stuff I'll need to do to take care of L's place while she's gone. Pets, yard, mail, garbage, etc. Main thing is I'll have to transplant myself partially in order to handle everything. Hopefully, it will cool down some. Today, can feel the sun burn into the shadows and elevate the temperature even here in the cave.

Odd thing on the way back here this morning--I was attacked by a black bird. I must have been near its nest. It swooped down and whacked me on the top of my head. Pedestrian perils. Spoke with a friend of my son, who said he'd been in contact with F and that F said he'd be in town at some point. Odd to get news of a relative from a stranger.

I need to put something solid in my stomach. Keep thinking of a quesadilla--cheese and bread. Simple fare since my stomach is reacting a bit to the prune juice and kefir. Need to pick up some more kefir. Perhaps can do on my way back from retrieving my vehicle.

Lots of the day left, lots of a warming day. Oft gang agley.

6207

Just discovered that I hadn't posted yesterday's blog notes. They were still in draft stage. Thought I had posted them, but you know what thought did.

Also just getting around to today's posting, this posting. Saw Star Wars III today. Not that impressive. Lacked any real storyline and dialog was awful. Animations and CGI work was overwhelming, but couldn't really save it from being tedious and a bit boring. So much for my thumb in my nose.

Dreamed last night of a house. It was a house I had been in before in previous dreams. There was a set of nine lights embedded in the wall near the door. The lights were in three columns of three lights. The topmost light was lit on the first and third columns. None of the other lights were lit.

I deciphered the lights to be the house's address -- 404. I decoded this bit of data from looking at a photograph of the lighted panel. I gave the information to another person who was in the room with me. The number was part of a code that we were working to break.

As I said, the house had appeared in some of my previous dreams with the same 404 light pattern visible.

The person in the room was a man, someone I've known or seen around town. I felt somewhat silly spying on a house that I had been in before, but that was the way the dream went. The two of us were engaged in the house-watching task and gathering as much information as we could on the house and its occupants.

I read late into the evening last night--the Doctorow book--which has still not given me a clear idea of what the novel is about, ultimately. I'm over 100 pages into the text with no sign of clarity looking like it will arrive soon. I'm mesmerized by how he writes--the erudite prose, the thickness of the narrative. But I can't seem to penetrate it so far. Will continue to try.

This day is soon to be over. I must awaken early and take my truck in for a service tomorrow. I will become a temporary pedestrian for part of the day. May my dreams be wrapped in Star Wars images on this bright, moonlit night.

Back from dance class. Warm today and tonight. Glad my cave is on the cool side. It is sheltered from any direct sunlight, which helps it stay cool. So back to Doctorow and his density.

6208

Dreamed about running last night. I was on a campus or at a camping area. There were lots of students in and around the place. I was going from one area to another to catch some form of public transit. I was jogging along a road and there were several people on bicycles that went past me. I speeded up my pace and was managing to keep close to them as them motored on by. A bus pulled up. It was filled with students. I was able to outpace it on a long downhill stretch.

I was running really loosely and freely. I wasn't getting a bit winded and felt like I could fly along at a steady pace. I think I had come into the area by bus or train and was supposed to leave from another station by train. The two stations were not exactly near each other so I had to find my way to my connecting location. For some reason, I decided to take a longer, hilly route so I could stretch out and get some exercise. I felt like it was important to run for a while at a really steady pace.

The whole dream was like I was at a way-station, some place enroute to an ultimate location. This was just a transfer point, a stopping place along a larger journey or route. I was interacting some with the students, but it was clear that I was an "older" person--perhaps a retired professor and not someone who was intimately involved with their agendas or activities. They, for their part, were mostly encouraging. They cheered as I ran along beside their bus and managed to pull ahead of them at different times.

When I awoke, the dream was very present as was the sense of exertion and movement that I was experiencing. Had to break the dream state when I arose to get ready to go to the chiropractor. Made it to the chiro appointment a bit later than usual--Monday morning slowdown in getting up, etc.
****************************
Lost in space. Didn't complete this posting and didn't post it... Hmmm, a total blank. Oh, well!

6209

Dreamless night. Or I may have dreamed but nothing was remembered. Fell asleep, after a long toss and turn, reading an Alice Munro story from a collection that's not in the library. Marvelous, intricate tale with lots of surprising twists and turns. Only read about half of the opening story. It's 50+ pages in length.

Spent the afternoon and evening with L. She's getting ready for her holiday trip. J left on Friday and she will be leaving next Friday. I'll be housesitting (dog sitting, cat sitting and fish sitting) at her place. Looking forward to having a kitchen for a few weeks. Plan to cook at home as much as I can--or eat there even if I bring food in.

Noisy here today. Neighbors running a rototillar, I believe. Non-stop engine noises along with throttle accelerations and whacking sounds. May they hit a rock. Can't imagine what all they are doing. This has been a regular Sunday noise fest now for several weeks. The sounds of the suburbs.

As usual, didn't sleep well at L's. Just not used to having someone else next to me when I'm trying to sleep. Took the dog for a walk this morning. Will be a challenge to walk him each day, but will be good exercise for me to do. Can be a training activity in case I start running once again. Feeling like I need more vigorous exercise or movement. Dancing is OK, but not aerobic enough in some ways.

Short post today. Need to clean up, shower and get out some today. Going to L's later today and won't be back early. May the dreams return tonight and be filled with wonder.

6210

Dreamed last night of being in a toy development house. I was there as a guest, partly to see what was being done and how things worked, and also to see if I might work there. The place was like a fantasy setting. Each person's work areas were individually decorated with personal items, posters, masks, and you name it. It was like walking into a Halloween store.

I was there through an invitation of one of the producer/designers. He demonstrated a mock up of a push toy that was under development. They were having problems with giving the child easy control of the toy. When the toy was pushed using a yoke-like element, the toy was difficult to control and direct easily. I made some suggestions and at one point I began drawing diagrams or writing out descriptions of what could be done. I realized that I had drifted off into my own thought patterns and was only partially listening to the discussions. But, I felt I was onto something and kept focused on working out the equations and solutions.

The place in the dream was somewhat like LF, but more chaotic (if that's possible) and certainly more cluttered (which also seems unlikely). It was darker, more cave like and filled with each person's debris piles and work area augmentations.

The toy mock up was really crude--made out of a bunch of scooter wheels and wagon parts. It was mostly wood and weighed a lot. The product team was easy going and layed back. They didn't seem to be frenzied or hyper. They were taking their time discussing the mock up's flaws and problems, looking for solutions.

I got into my problem-solving mode and slipped right into the discussions. When I awoke, the dream slipped back into its slot, like a CD or DVD being stored away in a rack of media items.
****************************
Dancing was fun last night. I was distracted by people sitting in our chairs. Also somewhat distracted by the new and clumsy dancers--they were cluttering the floor and making it difficult to dance freely since I had to watch out for them and make sure I didn't crash into them as the dances progressed. But aside from that annoyance, dancing was great. Always nice to dance.

About to head out for a street fair and some food. Awoke early this morning and then fell back to sleep for several hours. Finally forced myself out of bed and into motion.

Going to be another warm day--late spring weather. Let it be.

6211

Two major dream sequences last night. One had me facilitating a seminar. It was like a Landmark Forum seminar and I was responsible for the results. The group of people I had registered were rowdy and not very disciplined. There was a whole section of the dream that revolved around trying to get people seated. I kept suggesting that everyone grab a chair, but people kept getting up and leaving the room, clustering together and talking, and ignoring what I was saying. I knew that I was there to produce a specific result and that included covering some set content. I also knew that the longer they didn't come to order, the longer the night would be. I would keep going until the material was covered.

There was a person in the room who was monitoring my actions and activities. I knew I was being evaluated and would hear what his impressions were after the evening was over. I was not too nervous or anxious. I saw that I had a specific task, or set of tasks, to accomplish and that was my focus. There was no need to get upset with the participants--they would have to deal with what they were creating when that time came to do so.

A second dream had me living in an apartment. I was living there with my daughter and her mother. There were big pots of food cooking on the stove. Dinner was set onto the table and we were eating and talking. At one point, I got up and left to go move my truck into the secure parking lot. When I got downstairs, the lot had been locked for the night. This was done every night around 11PM. I was ticked that I had missed the curfew time and went ahead and parked my vehicle next to the building. I then went running. I ran for quite some time and when I returned other cars had been parked in and around where I'd parked the truck. In fact, it was blocked in and could not be moved (or gotten to) until the following morning. I felt OK about leaving it out given that it was completely surrounded. I went back upstairs to the apartment.

Both dreams were quite detailed and filled with action, motion and people. The first dream was somewhat frustrating; the second not much that way. In the second dream, I was just flowing with the way things were happening and could let any tensions go. In the first dream, I was more invested in the outcome and attached to the results. That, plus the person evaluating me, made this dream less satisfying and more tense.
****************************
Some of the dream elements were slightly precognitive. My truck was blocked in at lunch time and encountered odd parking issues at least twice. The block in was complete--I couldn't move my truck since it was pinned between to SUV's with a moving truck sitting next to me, pinning me to the curb. At the house, there was some lunchtime event that used up the parking spaces, causing me to have to park in a non-normal location. When I came home just a bit ago from a chai run, I was asked to move the truck by a city employee. He was photographing the front of houses so the images could be linked into a city 911 database. Call 911 and see a picture of your house.

Anyway, elements of the dreams permeated my daily parking schemes. Now, if I could just see myself win the lottery. That would be something really worthwhile. To hell with finding a parking space.

Off to dance tonight. L's son is heading out for holiday this evening, which will give her a breathing spell before she follows suite. Weather turned warm today. I've been meandering about in shorts and tank top. Summer finally here--for a spell anyway.

Angel time on the clock right now--4:44. Good time to sign off for today. Nice yoga class today; no class next week.

6212

Several dreams last night. There was one series that involved having seats in a large stadium. Not clear what the event was all about, but we were in a box seat that had a good view of the field. At one point, one person left to go to the bathroom or back to their hotel room, and there was a set of activities that dealt with looking for that person and how best to intercept them should they be returning to the seats.

The stadium and complex was like the boardwalk in a previous night's dream. There were arcades, rides, food stands, etc.

The next dream segment involved a set of aquarium-like containers. There were objects moving and articulating within each container. There were groups of people, kids and adults, assigned to each container, and there was an activity underway where each group was trying to describe the movements of objects within the containers.

The descriptions were taking on a variety of forms and formats. Several groups had developed diagrams and visuals that had been sketched across the faces of the containers. Most of the visuals were quite complex and involved a lot of cross-connections like feedback loops. One group had developed a simple diagram that looked like a butterfly. The wings and markings on the butterfly related to the different workings within its container.

People were crowding around that group's image. The image was so much simpler than everyone else's. I was with a group that had come up with a complex diagram and I wanted to see how it could be simplified.

I fell asleep early last night and I awoke in the early morning hours. I lay awake for a while trying to get back to sleep. The dreams came after I had slipped back into a light sleep state. Also, there were intermittent rain showers throughout the night that caused me to awaken on and off.
****************************
Gray day. A jumble of activities and events. Mostly nothing new. Found a new type of kefir. Will be interesting too see how it compares to the style I've been consuming. There is an compelling taste to the drink--it simply tastes healthy to me--like something my body needs.

Just did a bit of surfing on the topics of kefir and its history. Seems like a fortuitous result of an accidental experiment, producing a healthy, nutritious drink with great healing properties. I can attest to the moderating effect it has had on my system since I started consuming a cup each morning.

Nearly time for dance class. So, time to wrap this post and take a short nap before heading out. Dancing the kefir boogie.

6213

Last night's dreams involved clusters of people and something to do with sequencing them in groups according to some criteria. I could see how they were supposed to be arranged. It had to do with a mathematical progression, one that applied universally even though there were distinct differences with each cluster.

Seems like the bulk of the dream involved arranging and rearranging pods of people so that they were in the correct order.

Dream was stripped down, sort of flat and colorless.

Go to sleep late again--read almost all of the A&D book. Action has taken some bizarre turns and directions. Events becoming very unlikely and preposterous.

Sat in on the DEF webcast this morning. Telephone made it through the whole presentation. Brought back memories of day's past. Some of the same people still the same. Also a lot of the same material and bullet points. But, will see if it leads anywhere. Not much juice in all of it for me. Decisions. Making decisions.

Story of teen who was caught stealing and who figured he had 1 in 10 chances of being caught. Even though he had stolen over 40 items. Probability approaches certainty if calculated across all actions. I wonder if that applies to getting published. If a person keeps repeating, keeps sending out submissions, does that increase the likelihood of publication. Assuming that the material is publishable, the odds should be increased. Much more so than if nothing is ever sent. P(x)=0 if x is never done.

So x or die. A variation on an old formula.

Spoke with RR yesterday. Feel badly about not being able to really help him. He sounds really whacked and disjointed. He was totally confused about this week's events and last week's meeting. He was confused as to why RM was going to come by his place. He was lamenting not working, but it doesn't sound like he has much choice in that area right now. And the IRS is starting to attach his disability checks, leaving him even less to use for his recovery. Sad, but not much to be done.

Decisions, decisions. How they affect a person's life. How outcomes don't determine the quality of the decision. Good decisions can have bad outcomes. Bad decisions can have good consequences. Round and round, the wheel hits the ground.
****************************
Finished the A&E book. Somewhat disappointing conclusion since it was based on so many improbables. But, was still a page turner. Nearly read the whole thing in a 24-hour period--did read it all in about two days (daze).

Managed to get out around lunch time (after the webcast and shower) and then proceeded to burn up several hours--as normal. Clearly, I need to restructure my daze (days) and nights (afternoons and evenings). Clearly. So clear that I keep seeing it and not doing anything about it.

And I won't bore myself by repeating my daily mantra about getting organized and making plans.

Was with L at the shopping center picking up some produce. There was a woman there buying stuff who really looked familiar. She had sunglasses on so I couldn't see her face clearly, but when she walked past I could have sworn I'd seen her someplace. Later, it dawned on me that she looked like the woman street-person who hangs around downtown. Could it be? Yes, it might. Like a dual personality--one whacked and living on the street, the other living well, dressed well and able to buy food.

Woman in the shopping center had on a hat with a lettuce-like flower attached to it. Creates some interesting story elements if it were true. Two separate lives; two totally different people.

Life is full of stories. If so, why am I not writing any? Another set of ponderings to ponder in my dreams. Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash. Wherever you are.

6214

Vague dreams remembered from last night's short sleep. Read about 300 pages of Angels & Demons--up to the place where the first cardinal is found dead in the ossuary. Like the Da Vinci Code, the story is simply written, not too enmeshed in complications other than the puzzle theme, and moves along rapidly.

Unlike the Doctorow book, which is convoluted, abstract, and overwhelmingly dense. How anyone even thinks in the phrasing that he uses seems to be somehow unlikely--yet he sustains.

Two distinct writer's voices; two distinct styles. One more literary. One more grounded in history and geography, imbued with some science, but mainly a pot boiler.

Anyway, the net result of my Monday night reading fest was Doctorow a few pages, Brown over 300. This result also came with a lot less sleep than normal, but sleeping in on this damp, cloudy day.

Will soon jump in the shower to get warm and head out for a late meal.

Wonder what happens to my dreams when I read a massive amount of story like I just did? Does the images from reading supplant what would be normal dream images, exercising the same mechanisms, but more directly during the reading process? I feel this morning not tired, but energized, and like I've slept deeply and dreamed clearly. Perhaps would make a good sleep study--measure the REM sleep of readers versus non-readers and see if there are differences.

Of course, there are story possibilities. Dreams that come based on how a person goes to sleep. What dreams wait in the darkness to be called forth during the night.

Thoughts for the day--as I unravel my dreams from my reading, my life from my ideas, my actions from my intentions.
****************************
Another set of many minutes scattered across the temporal landscape. Lunch was munched. Then a short visit with L and a cup of chai. Got a call from R. He was out of it. Wondering if there was a meeting tomorrow--next meeting set for early June. I tried to give him the team URL, but not sure what he wrote down.

He's getting down to the wire. IRS taking money from his disability checks; phones out of whack; trying to buy a vehicle; getting restless from not working for so long. And no likely prospects on the horizon. Feel for him, but don't know what can be done.

So, I run back to my simple place, simple life, simple needs and read some more of A&D.

Maybe take a nap before dance class. Webcast scheduled for early tomorrow morning. See where that leads, where that goes.

Write some poems tonight. Want to start writing poems each day and not leave huge breaks in that set of postings. In the poems, I feel that I do say something, make a point or two versus the word wandering I do here. But it's all part of a whole (or of a hole or of an a-hole).

Gentle windings, clocks twirl and spin, the melancholy maze.

6215

Sequence of dreams last night--same dream with two different sets of dream people. The basic dream involved taking people (kids and adults) through a step-by-step learning process that had specific stages. I don't recall the details of the steps right now, but know that they were the same for both children and adults.

In each dream sequence, the people were led through the various exercises and at the end they were more adept at some set of cognitive tasks. Both groups, kids and adults, appeared to be having fun doing the exercises and seemed to enjoy their results.

The dream was housed in a school-like facility. The setup was not exactly in a classroom style (traditional), but more like a seminar arrangement with space for movement.

The dream seems to speak to me on some subtle level--like a calling or encouragement for me to be sharing some of what I know about learning and facilitating learning processes. The dream seemed to hold out a promise of payoff, in some way, for taking action.

The children and the adults in the dream were people that I knew--they were friends and neighbors, relatives and associates--a mixed spectrum of people.

The distinct separation of the dream segments into adult and children's versions appears to be significant. The dream is trying to make the point that both are the same, both groups will respond in a similar way despite the age differences.

Learning for adults and learning for children follow the same rules, adhere to the same facilitation.
****************************
I'm happy to have such a clear dream, but I'm puzzled as to why I dreamed it. Must be some precognitive peek into a future situation. The dream content seems to be remote and not connected to the here and now. Still, dreams are what they are sometimes as well. Not mysterious but very practical, very much about the present.

I feel like a dog worrying over a bone. Keep wanting to bite into the dream and unravel its inner messages, but I can't get a purchase on it. When I try and bite down the dream bone slips away.

About time to journey to the chiropractor. Then some breakfast perhaps and then back here to confirm a Wednesday webcast and see if I can do a hands-off with my mobile during that event.

Also, restart the story writing activities. Follow the dreams.
****************************
Picked up a copy of What the Dormouse Said (John Markoff) and scanned the index and selected pages. Lot's of history and familiar faces. BA has a major piece of the narrative as does PCC and all of its spinoffs.

Makes me long for a reset button given where I lived and how I almost connected to those times and places. It was a rare conflagration that produced all that it produced.

Prompted me to fire off a note to BA and others. Seeing WD upside down was a highlight in the photo section.

Made it to the chiro this morning--to see Dr. Narod Yug. Then retired to a hearty breakfast--oats, warm milk, sugar, toast, coffee. A breakfast of champions.

Signed up for the DEF webcast on Wednesday. Put my toes back into those waters to some extent. Will revive old acquaintances and memories.

Spinning and spinning, turning around. Caught in a vortex of obsolete time; a black hole of possibilities. Encountering blocked passages and routes that have been disabled and redirected into unknown domains. Recipes for danger; protocols of fear.

Enough for now... Time to vaporize.
****************************
Day (daze) hurtled by. Now late afternoon and hours spent doing much of nothing. Went with L as she ate a late lunch. I was still filled from the morning's breaking of the fast. Minutes of life are extinguished one after the other. I keep thinking I should be elsewhere, and guess what, I am.

Keeps coming back to structure and planning. Making plans that lay out what it is I think I can do, get done, accomplish. Really a simple step, but one I keep postponing, waiting for a better time and place--a perfect moment. Ain't going to happen, so I need to just get on with things.

Enough preaching to the post. Time to actualize. Time to make whole what has always been in fragments.

6216

Dream dances, dancing the dreams. Awoke this morning with no remembrance of dreams past. Seems that the dreams were so like my waking life that they failed to register, to record, to leave a trail.

Had a good time dancing last night. Got lost in the movement and the music. Few thoughts. Meditative moments and movements. Not a huge crowd so often had plenty of dancing space. P kept jamming into the line and squeezing up the space, but mostly free to move and dance at will.

Without a solid dream, I seem to not have much to record. L came by this morning on her way back from the East Bay. Brought a ceramic medallion that has the word "peace" on it in Hawaiian. We walked downtown for a pastry and coffee.

Nice sunny day with a bit of a breeze and some clouds. We stopped by the bookstore to look through the collections. L wanted a book on dieting and we went into that section of the books. One of the street people was camped out in that part of the shelves. When we came into that area, we sort of caged him in, trapping him with our bodies.

He grew agitated and jumped up suddenly, grabbed his pack and brushed past me. As he did so, he bumped me and ordered me to get out of his way. I told him to take it easy, but that only egged him into repeating his warning about getting out of the way. L was cautioning me not to engage with him. I choose to remain silent and just look him in the eyes. He was not near me, but down the row a bit. He then mumbled something about taking a bath, how the smell was too much for him. He then left for some other part of the store or exited the building.

I noticed how calm I felt throughout the encounter. I had on my new peace medallion. Maybe that was what kept things calm on my part. The street person is one of the people who walks the streets occasionally with his hands over his ears. He's obviously not well, but manages to stay on the streets.

I thought of mentioning the encounter to the bookstore people--how they might be liable if anything were to happen to an unsuspecting customer. I knew who this guy was and was ready to give him space. Someone else may not be so accommodating, especially after he bumps and runs like he did.

Anyway, a bit of early Sunday morning excitement.

Feeling a bit logy and slow today. Two solid nights of dancing relaxes the body and cools the mind, but calls me to sleep more, rest and recover.

So day begins without dreaming, except for the crazy person encounter, which is like a waking dream. Finished the O. Henry stories. Time for a trip to the library and finding the next stuff to read.
****************************
Went to library and picked up Angels & Demons, City of God (Doctorow) and a set of stories by Oates. Went to L's for a light dinner. Stayed through some of 60 Minutes and the Home Building show. Bailed out with Desperate Housewives. TV really has a lot of mindless stuff.

60 Minutes had a story about the philosophy professor who's written a book (67 pages) about bullshit. He's headed for a best seller (BS) and his moment of fame. Simple things make for wondrous possibilities.

I'm cooking in my own juices, or so it seems. I'm feeling major frustration--bound and gagged by my own inactions and lack of discipline. I keep feeling as if I need to mount some structure around my actions and stick to the program. Otherwise, nothing is going to be accomplished. No-thing. Nada. Niltch. Nannypoop.

How to create such a structure? I hesitate, demur, delay, but don't face the mounting certainty of me running out of time. The music is slowing and the dance is coming to its end. I seem to be able to ignore that fact and skate onward across the thinning ice.

Encounter with the street person today makes me think of a possible story--but not a nice one. I can imagine a story (or scenario) where someone takes advantage of the street person's medical situation and literally drives the man crazy. It would be done by an orchestrated set of actions designed to further imbalance him. It's not a nice story, but it's what comes to me and I'm reluctant to write in that direction. It's not nice; not PC. But, it's the first thing that comes to my mind.

Partly, the encounter stirred up some aggression that I'm carrying and that popped to the surface. I don't want to be nice; I want to get even--despite my knowing that his actions were involuntary and out of his control. Maybe there is a story here, but I'm not allowing it to unfold.

And, as always, I'm writing about writing a story--not writing the story itself. The story of my life--not writing the story, but writing about writing about the story. Dreams of Martina--that dance comes to mind--gonna lay that story down.

Tonight, I seem filled with energies. Not focused laser surges, but diffused and cloudy dream-like sensations. Precursors to a set of dreams.

6217

Dancing and dreaming. Both zipped by. Got to bed late last night after dancing was over. Read myself to sleep, but sidetracked my dreams. Seemed as if they were about dancing and being in a place I was familiar with and had traversed in other dreams.

Anyway, the net result was to awaken without any clear dreams, just fogs and swirls of dream smoke in my head.

Today begins the start of the 2nd 6-month sojourn here in the garden. The garden has filled out with lush growth, flowers and blossoms, cacti flowers, and the buds of fruits that will come to be harvested later. I feel good about having made a decision to stay here and not move. Moving would have been anxiety-producing and stressful. Better to sit still for a bit longer and let things cook.

L is off to her friend's today to go to a Finnish-American event and later a sauna, etc. I am getting a late start, but will soon be moving about, foraging for food, and gathering my thoughts. Might have been a nice day to head for the beach if I had done so earlier. Getting late in the morning to make that journey.

I'm finding that I'm getting irritated, easily, with people and things--little things and various people. I'm reacting to being corrected. I say something and someone corrects a point that I made and I feel myself shut down, go numb, retreat into my inner silence. I feel it's not worth the effort to defend what I said (mostly because it's not something I would die over) and just close off. I feel like I have better things to do than exchange nitpicks with others.

I'm also having real difficulty reading pulp fiction of any kind. The more literary works I've been reading make the pulp writings seem superficial and trivial. One thing is clear though--out of this process I'm really noticing what it is I would have preferred to have written. It's like a roadmap of what I would like to write.

So into the day I go. Marrying, carrying, ferrying my load of blither and my pack of mumble. Pushing back the curtains to reveal a silly singer. One who is practicing his notes, his scales, but never intends to sing before an audience. There are factors involved, and a history of delivery that makes for crazy melodies.

Word pumping exercises. Like ten-finger practices but with a different ring, a different sound. Audience participation, please. Make room for the fans, the dedicated minions. Scatter notes and measures everywhere. Fill up the stadiums with stalwarts. Churn the butter of the crowds and pull them into reality.

What is all this about? Who knows, but the language flows. To where and for what is another story.
****************************
Hours lost and gone. Sleep and reading, plus meandering and wandering. Almost finished with the O. Henry stories. Sense of loss at seeing them end. They've been so rich and full of life. Now they begin to recede and disappear. Each story filled with its own mysteries and magic.

It's now later in the day. The gardeners have left and the place is once again quiet except for the trills and chatter of the mockingbirds. But even they subside.

Will be running out to handle a few errands--mostly to replenish my kefir supply and perhaps take a bite to eat. Then, it's off to dance once again and a return to the final story. Saving the best for last.

And with this passing, I will unwind the chronicles, make ready the ports and heave a hawser onto the docks. Gentle pressures build and magnify. There are telltales and increments, designs and simple icons. Whispers gather and deliberations form. Out of the surface rises the ripples of descent. Markings cover the flat, still borders. Rituals are performed and then forgotten, silenced by the weight of time.

Cascading sequences align. The particles are poised and blasted into energies. Enormous forces merge and dance. There are no other sounds.

6218

Dreams last night were all scenes from the movie Interpreter. Seemed like I replayed the entire movie--certainly dreamed about the major scenes.

Friday the 13th! Went to yoga class this morning and then scarfed up some food and chai. Got a haircut. Will go dancing tonight. Not a very exciting day.

Feeling like I'm free floating--not floating free. Let the good times stroll.

6219

Dreamed last night of being on an evaluation team. We were assessing software packages, educational software packages. They were coming to me for comments and observations. I was surprised at how much I knew and could see. It wasn't clear why we were making the evaluations or what would be done with the information.
*****************************
Not much dream details or coverage. Went to bed full of raw fish compacted on top of the burger and cake I'd had earlier in the day. I woke up still feeling bloated and full, but still downed my kefir and acai to start the day.

Echoes of stories rumbling in my head. Went to the chiro. Feeling good, but still somehow fragile and tentative. Stopped on way back for a bowl of oatmeal, a muffin and a coffee--despite the still full sensations. Now I was really full and my GI tract started making rumbles and gurgles. Took a massive dump and feel much lighter. Have to watch things though--perhaps restart drinking a bit of prune juice each day. I'd stopped for a while and I think my GI tract is still not able to work 100% on its own--needs some minor assistance.

Well, that covers the physiological report. On to the other reports--psychic, psychological, meditative, yogic, dimensionless and demonic. Perhaps, I'll skip over these items in favor of spinning my wheels.

Brief flash of a story idea as I was coming back from chiro. It was about a person who buys all of the designer items just so he/she can be trendy. The trap is that they can never have enough, acquire enough. They become diminished/dissolved into the pile of products they have purchased. So, what's the story? I don't know. Just had a quick flash of a story that involved the idea of conspicuous consumption and some kind of payback/outcome that is not nice.

No dance class tonight--too bad. Could use the movement and motion. Facility is being taken over by an annual gem show. Let the diamonds sparkle in the night. Class resumes next week.

L won $93 in last weekend's lottery. Means she had at least three of the numbers plus the mega, plus some other combos. It was a hot ticket.

Well, time to enter the fray--or rather the day. Have already done so, but must pull myself away from this blog page to attend to other things. Nothing ear shattering, unless it suddenly turns out to be such.
****************************
Spent some time on the LuLu site. Looked through previews of some of the items. As you would expect, the content is hit-and-miss. I found myself thinking, "I can do better than that." Of course, there's anomalies such as Tucker Max. Scatalogical humor, but intense and lively, not just tawdry. And if you believe his estimated site statistics, an impressive following. Cult mania at its finest.

So, I think I can do better. Will have to see. Have to get down to actual writing and not just these repetitive postings. Word count is way up over the past few months. Actual meaningful content is not present yet. But, things are cooking and the energies are getting stirred.

Off to see a movie tonight. Interpreter with Nicol Kidman and Sean Penn. Thriller chiller, or at least it's supposed to be. Will serve up the review tomorrow, AY (after yoga). Friday already and Friday the 13th on top of it all. Lucky Friday. Will see how it manifests.

6220

Don't remember dreaming last night. I'm sure there was something, but I couldn't pull up any images as I awoke. Read late into the night/early morning. Got sidetracked after dance class with an online IQ test. It had about 40 questions or problems. I finished it. The process took quite a bit of time and was challenging.

At the end, the site reported that I had scored 140--not bad. There were some tricky test items that took some thinking. Of course, the goal of the site was to sell me a report that provided details of what I'd answered correctly and missed--all for a small fee.

Good to know that the old brain is still ticking. Now, let's see if I can put it to work.

Cold and damp in my room last night and this morning. Going to jump in the shower to warm up and head out for some breakfast. Then time to see what the world unfolds. SS check automagically appeared in the bank account. Switch to direct deposit seems to have gone well. Now, just have to hope the government doesn't run out of money. The court rulings that have given United Airlines the nod to dump its pension plans is like an ominous storm cloud on the financial horizon.

People in the dance community who are ex-United employees have to be wondering what's happening. Their benefits are going to be chopped in half.

Men's team meeting tonight--at the sushi place. No email response from the notices I've sent out. Silence rules. I assume some of us will show this evening.
****************************
Been out and about, and in once again, and then out some more. Breakfast was coffee and pastries. Saw JH and JVR down on California Ave. Told them both about LuLu. I've got LuLu on my mind. Met with L for a late lunch and dessert. Will be interesting just how much I will be able to eat at dinner.

Still recovering from last night's test-taking episode and the accompanying lack of sleep. Ready now for a nap even though I just had coffee again.

Waiting for Godot. Letting moment after moment go by. Watching them disappear. Have no plan to break the cycle. Just meandering along, singing a song. Too many people in the pool. Too many options and possible configurations.

Just noticed how late it is already. Almost time to start trekking to the meeting place. Another chance to spread the LuLu gospel.
****************************
Good to see people tonight. It's been a while since we were together. Six out of seven team members were there. Missing was RR. Left him a vmail message, but didn't get a response.

Dinner was great, but really expensive. Lot of money spent today on foodstuffs--too much in fact. Way outside my rough budget considerations.

I experienced some tension in my body tonight along with the tremor in my right arm. Meeting went well, but need to direct things better.

Looking forward to making more progress tomorrow on my writing projects. Managed to extract April blog contents, put it on the hard drive, and (after some difficulties) wrote it to a CD. CD is meant as a backup.

Time to update the team blog and then head for the bed.

6221

Last night's dream took place on a boardwalk. There were rides, arcades, foodstands, a beach area, and much more. I had been on this boardwalk before. I was shepherding a group of kids to some of the rides. There was a woman with me. The two of us were in charge of the kids.

I was suggesting routes and ways to get where we wanted to go. There were some places that were a bit scary where we had to climb some railed, but open, stairways that looked down over the whole complex.

The mood of the dream was light and sunny. It was an adventure and we all were enjoying the fresh sea air, the sunshine, the crowds, and the excitement.

I awoke really early and some of the dream details vanished by the time I sat down to write this post. But overall, the dream elements that remained were many and sharp.
****************************
Made it to Feldenkrais class this morning. A bit of chaos at the beginning over setting up the room, turning up the heat, and getting started exercises that were not all that easy to follow just based on verbal instructions.

My face looks like I've been in a battle--which I had been with the various illnesses of the past few weeks. Hopefully, aloe vera creams and some care will repair the damages--with my nose and surrounding areas crusty, red and raw.

This too shall pass--as it all does, eventually. Sometimes ultimately.

Still reading the O. Henry 2005 stories. There are author blurbs at the back of the book that describe some of each story's background and a bit about the writer. Many of this year's winners live either in the South or in rural areas. The rest live in New York.

Reading the story's backgrounds is interesting. Provides a small window into how each writer approaches a story, etc. Especially the one man who did 116 drafts of his story before it made it into print.

P called last night. Been a while since we talked. Pointed her to this blog and the one with poems. We talked some about memory and failing to remember certain things. She voiced concern over Alzheimer's, but I think it's just part of aging. I'm certainly not a great example of perfect recall. I seem to have been doing better with the brain supplements I've been taking, but there are still gaps and losses--like there has always been. Both selective screening as well as simply forgotten details.

Off to meet BR and his friend AG for lunch. Then back to L's for caffeine injection. Then--rest, relax, perhaps read some before dance class. Looking forward to dance tonight and to my nose and face not looking like Rudolf.
****************************
Lunch with BR and AG was fun. AG is from India so I got a chance to tell some of my Indian stories. Also got a chance to think more about the LuLu site and what I might do on it. Great idea. BR seems pleased with his marriage. He married a woman he's know for 15 years. Seems to be good for him.

Of course, we got into conversation regarding the housing market. I feel so outside that issue since I'm without abode. Nothing to be done about it so I might as well stop obsessing and make some solid plans. Started investigating health coverage in other areas. Seems that HealthNet covers Oregon, Arizona, and lots of other places under PPO arrangements.

Good dance class to night. Picked up Eruption, something that uses Shall We Dance and Push It. Should recall them when they are played at the dances.

P was at the class--manic as ever. His mental landscape has to really something.

Feeling good. Nose and face still scabby, but clearing. Got a call from the study that's looking into panic reaction cognitive interventions. I didn't fit the profile they were looking for currently. I don't have enough vices. Looks like to qualify I'd need to become more dissolute.

Looking forward to tomorrow. Taking the next steps on my quest to publish. May my dreams support my fantasies. As the Dragon would say--reality expands to accommodate the available fantasies.

6222

Elaborate dream last night about building a space rocket. I was working with a team of people who were responsible for designing, building and launching a space probe. There were many details regarding the propulsion system and how the rocket was kept stabile. I had come up with an idea of a multi-sleeved skin where there were concentric tubes, each inside the other, that could rotate and be used to stabilize the craft.

I had proposed the idea to one of my co-workers and he thought it should be communicated to the project leader. We were each scheduled for a debriefing on the last test flight. I was nearly last on the list because I was just one of the grunts on the project. But I was looking forward to describing my idea when the time came.

In the meanwhile, as we waited for our debriefing session, we were working on the software system that went with the launch vehicle. There was a sense of chaos surrounding the system since it had been built up in stages based on whatever component was ready to be tested. The overall architecture was kind of scrambled and patchworked. I was busy knitting modules together so that they didn't work so independently, but worked more together as a whole.

People kept coming by and looking over my shoulder. They asked what I was doing and most gave me positive feedback and encouragement. It looked like I was on to something so I kept working away. In the back of my mind were thoughts of being promoted or of being given a job with more responsibility.

There was a part of the dream that involved a huge base or launch facility. It was constructed on this expansive hillside--not unlike the fields overlooking the river in my previous night's dream. Everything about the place was extremely orderly. Buildings and roads were finished and clear of any confusing patterns or random elements. You could tell at a glance that it had all been planned out and then built to that plan. People and vehicles moved about with precision and unhurried order. Everything that was being done looked deliberate and carefully acted upon.
****************************
Got up early today and went to chiro. Returned home after wandering a bit. Ate some breakfast, wrote out my dreams from last night, transferred some money into bank account so I could pay off credit card, wandered some more. Finally left again to drop off mail, grab a bite of lunch, a chai, and visited with L for a bit. She's really getting off on her new digital camera. Astounding technology.

Woman at next table was enjoying each bite of her pastry. With each bite, she closed her eyes, savored the food and chewed it slowly. She appeared to be following some protocol that she'd been reading about--like enjoy each minute, each action, each bite, thoroughly. She seemed to be pleased with her actions.

Later in the parking lot, I was questioned by a kid--one that seemed to be a bit challenged in some way--about my truck. What year it was, what was the camper shell for, did it have side airbags, and other such details. I answered his questions and he went away seemingly satisfied that he had asked the right queries.

I keep reflecting on my life--the aimless quality of it and what I am doing. I keep thinking about starting to build some structure around me, some kind of regimen and form. I tire quickly while thinking such thoughts. I keep experiencing regrets and tapes of should-have-dones.

I heard a short interview with Isobel Allende on her new book(s) about Zorro. She described her research and some of her writing activities. She's in her 60's now, but still prolific. I have to create some space around me so that I can begin to write more than these journal ramblings.

Tonight, I'm supposed to have dinner with my daughter. That will be nice, but then I need to be making more solid plans. Will return here after dinner with any new thoughts--actually with any thoughts, new or old.
****************************
Self-publishing has arrived. Beyond the blogs. It's all available on lulu.com. Nothing in the way between writing and it ending up in a book. And it does so with only some minor effort involved--no fees, no costs. Amazing.

So I just need to settle down and write.

No more excuses. The e-world has spoken. There are no doubt other venues as well, including all of the start-up sites. A new world is opening. The human mind is an awesome tool.

Nothing more to say tonight--except do it, do it, do it. Let the games begin.

6223

Dream about meeting with the men's team last night. We were gathering on a high ridge, high above a river. From the edge of the property, which was mostly open fields with a single dwelling set down the hill near the road, you could look over the ledge and see the river far below. To stand there and look downward would make most people dizzy. It was about a 1,000 feet down to the banks of the river.

We had decided to meet at this location and were slowly gathering there. The men started to drag up loose wood and logs to a firepit that was near the edge of the building. I was concerned about building a fire there since there were overhanging branches and the roof was exposed to embers from the fire.

As we discussed where to put the fire, the place was suddenly inundated with other people. They arrived in convoys of SUV's, in buses, and in hiking groups. They scattered out across the property and began setting up tents and shelters, building their own firepits and cooking areas.

I was unhappy that the place had been overrun by these hordes of people. I was concerned for the property and the building, and at the way the SUV's were ripping up the land as they made their way across the property. It seemed to me that we had talked to the owner and had gotten permission to use the place, but I wasn't sure how I'd be able to explain this deluge of people and vehicles.

The dream was panoramic in nature. There were wide vistas with lines of cars and people silhouetted against the expansive skies. I also kept worrying about people being near the edge of the property, at the ledge. I was concerned about someone falling over as well as anyone throwing debris over the edge--what that might portend if there were anyone below on the banks of the river.

I awoke and left the dream state with everything unresolved, still in motion.
****************************
About to jump in the shower and then head out for the reception with more dancing and such. I slept in late this morning. Foot (left) and knee (right) are still still and twinging today. Can always sit out at the reception if I have to do so. Four days of dancing in a row deserves a break if needed.

It's mother's day and mothers everywhere are being feted and flowered, fed and fawned upon. One day a year and then it's back to the normal mom stuff.

Read some more O. Henry stories last night. Excellent tales, rich and tangy. Wonder if I won the lottery last night? Better check, just in case.

6224

Dreams last night were abstract and colorless. It was like looking at cartoon drawings that had not been fully inked or rendered. Content seemed to be about something to do with work, but right now I'm not really clear on the details. I believe that there were people in the dreams, but everything was sketchy and vague.

I slept in this morning. The stillness with everyone gone from the main house, coupled with returning late from dancing, made for a lazy morning--and day as well. I've just been drifting back and forth doing "errands" with no real purpose in mind. Except for a chafing around my nostrils, the cold symptoms have abated and gone away.

I've been luxuriating in the sense of well being that has replaced the several weeks of illnesses. It is really nice. I've got to find a way, a path, to hold onto these sensations and states of being--the good ones.

L got a job offer, or will soon have one in hand. Good for her. So it will be her final month of freedom before she hits the wheel once again.

I keep telling myself that I need to formulate a plan--make plans for what I hope to do, to achieve. The countdown continues. Over 1,000 days have gone by since I began the counting. Over 6,000 still before me.

As I focus in on options, I clearly believe that I wish to start feeding content into a variety of places such as blogs and begin to create a presence for myself in the various remote media. I no longer feel like I can go to an office to work. I want to work from home and keep my physical commuting to a minimum.

Meeting with daughter next week (Monday) and possibly two people on Tues. Along with Feldenkrais class and dance class. See where it goes, but do so deliberately and with full attention and intention.

Wednesday team meeting with a full complement of members. Sushi uber alles.

Tonight is the QS's annual B&W ball. The gala marks the midpoint of the weekend's dance delights. Tomorrow will be the dancing wedding reception for E&D. That should just about saturate my dancing bone for the weekend, and possibly the entire week.

So with vague dreams I wrestle. Out of those dreams comes the ultimate clarity, the crystal visions that I need to spark my efforts. So let us wrap these musings for the day and melt into the shadows once again. Distant thunder makes a muted muffled sound. The discharge of energies complete, the night begins.

6225

Mixed bag of dreaming last night. Definitely was dreaming, but awoke in the dream and caused the dream detail to go away. It was a dream that had some relationship to LF or another company. We were reviewing some of the historical files and had isolated a batch of data that was related to what needed to be done. The word "Getty" kept recurring in the dream dialog.

Now, the details are gone. I seem to recall that the dream was tedious or felt tedious in some way. Ho, hum. Just another dream.

Was tired after dance class last night. Cold symptoms have all but disappeared. Have a sore nose from all of the blowing and such. Got up this morning and took clothes to laundry. Then made it to yoga class, which I was considering kicking last night. Now am glad I went. There is a healing level to that activity that I need to expand and make more prominent in my life.

Spent part of yesterday and last night (also this morning) visualizing lots of healing light flooding over me, flooding through my systems. I need some intervention and I'll take what I can get and what seems to work.

Had a leisurely lunch (frittata, bear claw and coffee). Will eat/drink some more before heading for dancing tonight (B&B). Dances every night this weekend--B&B, QS on Sat and reception on Sunday. Yeehaw!

Remember some of the Fusion dance from last night's lesson. Got a review of Soluna. Still a lot of dances, but what the heck.

Continuing to read the O. Henry stories. Some great writing; innovative tales. One author mentions the fact that he had made 116 drafts of the story. It was worth it. The final result was moving and wondrous.

So, when do I start writing? Today? Tomorrow? Never? Today is the first day in weeks where I'm not battling some deficiency or dread. Feels good to just be out in the soft air, the light sunshine, and let the woof and warp sink in, fill up the dry sponges in my soul. There is a sensation of wanting to go charging forward, but also a reluctance to jump so quickly after having had so many down days in a row.

Even my dreams were phantom-like. Detailed and solid until I was ready to record them. Then they quickly turned to smoke and drifted away. No need to hurry seems to be the message. No need to jump on board the moving train. Let it reach the station, let it come to a resting place, and then step aboard, take the ride.

There were stories sitting all around me a lunch. Bumped into RLB. He's got a new fixation--shortwave radio. Listening in on the world and all its pieces. Looking at people today. How most do not have their attention on their physicality, their body, their processes. Not like I do; not like I've found myself attending. Limitations I can understand, but malfunctions, maladies and misfires seem to require too much attention, too much concern.

So how do I move myself to a place of health and safety? How do I create myself as healthy and not dis-eased. It's like there's a switch somewhere that I know I can throw and the molecules will align, the air will clear, and I'll start functioning as before.

Karma. I am burning karma now. Burning up the structures that I've either ignored or have failed to make priorities in my plans and thoughts. So I burn brightly now, consuming in real and virtual fires the elements that I've brought here, that have to be examined.

Sacred sound today was RAM. Fitting. The sound of my own self emanating from the hearts and souls of strangers. RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM. Distinct and clearing. A sound meant for digestion and the collection of jewels surrounding the chi chakra.

RRRRAAAAAMMMMM, Sri Ram, Jai Ram, Jai Jai Ram.

Reminds me that I must use these coming months to lay out a plan, a goal, a set of tangible accomplishments--no matter what the objections heard or the considerations imagined. Time has come, the walrus says--to speak of many things.

I keep wrestling with the bugaboo of qualifications and accomplishments. I read and hear from writers who have invested lifetimes in creating stories and bringing them to life. What can I hope to accomplish? I have spent a lifetime not doing much of anything of significance. So why will it change from here forward? Because I say so, because I declare it to be so. For what that may be worth.

Enough of this rebounding for today. Time to read and rest, retrieve and relax. May the devas find me a path through the magical garden, the lush collection of living things.

6226

Cold is getting better. Still experiencing some drainage and intermittent sniffles, but I believe the worst is over, finally. I'm still not 100% but feel like I'm getting there.

Dreams last night revolved around some kind of company (LF?) event. There was some ceremony or festival being planned where I was going to be introduced to the crowd. But there were some problems that arose regarding security for the event. I and others were being interviewed and debriefed about what had to happen to make sure everything came off as expected. I remember being interrogated by someone who I assumed was part of the security patrol. He was personable, but there was a hardness about him that came through his external demeanor.

There were dozens of people milling about. There were armed guards. I recall at one point wondering what the ex-CEO would make of all the hubbub. Presumably, I was there as a guest and didn't have much stake in the outcomes, except for my part when I got introduced. It was not clear exactly why I was being put on the spot. It was some form of validation.

There were other dream elements, but they were absorbed into the main dream flow. I seemed to recall that at one point I was consciously, actively making up dream fragments--directing the dream flow in terms of action and content. But this was a minor activity not a central element of the dream state.
****************************
Had chicken and dumpling soup last night. Also had a sundae with multiple ice creams, toppings, sauteed bananas, and whipped cream. Feed a cold. Yesterday, I took that admonition to heart. Seems to have helped. Sinus drainage continues and the effluent is starting to look nasty--brownish tinted instead of clear. Emptying out my head, I suppose. Good thing to do every once in a while. Clear the sinuses; clear the mind.

Rains falling in these early days of May. Persistent rain storms that move in and dump their watery loads as they sail on into the mountains.

I've decided to stay put for another six months. One measure of pressure released and set aside. But I must plan out what I intend to do when the six months end. This time, I had no plan and so I'm still here. Frequent flyer miles keep poking their way into my consciousness. Using them seems to make some sense even if it requires vacating my home base. Time to fly. Me oh my.

Managed to sit in the sun for a short time this morning. Felt good to have the warmth beating down on me. The sun is playing hide and seek with the rain storms. Breaks in the clouds give the sun a chance to burn through and knock back the dampness.

I get up and do a few things--go to the chiropractor, drop off the mail, read the daily paper, drink a chai and eat a croissant--then return here to write out a few lines, make a few observations and I am ready for a nap. Too soon; too short a time. Cannot maintain my efforts for any extended period of time. Malaise and torpor overtake me. I hum with the desire to sleep, to rest, to close my eyes and disappear into the fog banks of the dreams.

Sustained interaction and focus no longer seem to be part of my repertoire, as it was once. Perhaps it never was. Perhaps I only imagined such a state and have been dreaming of that condition so often that I confuse it with reality, with current actuality.

In any case, it seems time for a nap, a respite, a quiet break in the fevered humming of the morning's activities. Soporific excuses. Laments of merit. Dreams that push back the envelope of time and reveal the circumstances of the forgotten life. Memory excursions that take me river rafting on a cascading flood of "could have beens." Dreams break and their fragments lay shattered on the beaches of time. Immense predilections emerge and foment possibilities. I am without water or recourse, river or gain. I am frozen between two clock fragments, neither of which relates to time. I dance the slow dance of the unimagined.
****************************
Clearing and clarity coming my way. Brief nap and then out again. Made it to L's for a soup and coffee. Thinking that I could really use some coffee to help dry up the floodgates. Seems to be working. Will also try dancing tonight. Movement seems in order after such a sedentary week.

Clear also that I need to planning my next steps. Not certain where everything is headed, but I need to make some plans and begin to make progress on where I am to be living come next year.

Looking forward to some time when I'm not enmeshed in some physical symptom, wrapped in some dis-ease that keeps my attention locked and not free to be applied to other things. Can't wait too be there. In the meantime, lots to unravel, lots to uncurl. Make ready the cannons. Fire at will. Leave no boat afloat, not any goat.

Time to leave this venue, this forum, this dialog with myself. Flashes of old places; faint flashing images of long forgotten themes. Dances of delight mixed with the whispers of a fading prayer. No one knows the trouble that I've seen. Nobody knows but Jesus. The quiet sussuration of the fans.

6227

Mixture of sleepless tossings and cold-induced insomnia last night. I awoke around 2AM, wide awake. Finally, tumbled back to sleep and rested quietly until nearly 9AM. Cold is better today; still present, still causing floods of discharge, but better.

This afternoon, I went for a chai and as I sat drinking my drink, I could sense the end of this turmoil. Not fully there as yet, but closing.

Talked with landlady about staying another six months. Big load set aside if I don't have to move. Even if I do have to grub about for food. Will help to be staying at L's place for some of this coming time. Even though it will involve taking care of the animals.

Just have to pull my structure together--reading, writing, research, etc. I just want to be healthy, stay healthy, so I can concentrate on my projects and not be sidetracked by combinations of microbes. Soon, really soon.

Stress is underneath all of this dislocation. Stress and anxiety. That's why this quiet place is so appealing. Even with the dislocations, I've come to enjoy and relish the peace and quiet.

Dreams last night were fleeting and fragmentary. Seems that there was something about a group of children and a river that was frozen, but I'm uncertain if there were such images and dreams. May have been associated with the stories I've been reading--the O. Henry 2005 winners. Classy writing; interesting tales and characters. Trying to read some SciFi on the side and find it too crude when put up against literary writings.

That, of course, means that there is an opening, a niche, an opportunity. But, I need several weeks of solid writing, without physical distractions, to begin to craft some ideas and put some words in place.

In all of my reading, I've come away with a clear sense of what I want to write--the tone and quality of what I want to say and the feelings I wish to leave with the readers. I can almost taste the tone and mood of the stories. I can feel them in my body. Now, I need to translate those sensations into prose.

I often stop and have flashes of thoughts about Memphis and the people there. What they are doing. What they are dealing with each day. It's not an extended visual image, just a flash like a snapshot taken across time.

There are memories and tangled dreams. There are whispers and soft murmurings. There are the images of the stillness and the quiet humming of the voices lost in shadows. I am pulled by these elements, by these surges of intention. I hold the careful lens of light and work the settings on the cameras. I am bathed in circumstance, wrapped in bitter dreams. Each and every marker carries the name of someone, somebody, some lost soul.

I feel pulled like a kite sucked taut by the winds. I float and shimmer, hover and spin out of control. There are distant images. No one is around; the scenes are barren and unprotected. The guardians have left; they have abandoned everything.

Soft rains flickers across the garden. The leaves and blossoms bend before the wave of water and winds. Tiny creatures rush out of their subterranean darkness into the pearl-colored light of the storms. Immense clouds ricochet against the hidden thermals. There is silence now. A deep and wondrous silence hovering over everything.

My health has been a constraint. It has been keeping me preoccupied and distracted. Now left it carry me forward, push me out onto the edge of the breaking waves. Falling is not an issue; riding is the issue. Continuing to ride the maverick waves, continuing to cling to a vision of possibility.

And so it goes, or comes and goes. The random ramblings clear the air, make room for concentrated effort in and about the chaotic coursings. I run down now; I run out of steam. But I can sense the closeness, feel the warm breath of the jaguar even though I cannot see its shining eyes. Warble and woof. Walkanation and wondrification worries.

Time to retreat once more into the fogs of the zebra virus. Airborne prevails and makes the wonders sing. Into the night I go.

6228

Dreamless night. Spent most of the hours wrestling with the cold demons--cold as in nasal cold. Today has continued the deluge and discharge. L suggested that I take a dose of Airborne, which I did and it has helped.

Will rest again tonight and hopefully awaken to a clearing that is long overdue. Not much else to report. Planning now to not move; to stay in my current situation. No movement seems more attractive than being in motion.

Look forward to having one full day without some physical restraints or disorder. May it happen soon.

6229

Apartment haunting. Seems that way. Having to kickstart myself into making calls and looking at places. Inertia reigns.

Dreamed last night about heading up a project team. We had a new client and wanted to show him what our system could do. But I misunderstood what he asked for--a computer. Instead, I loaded up the client and the project team and headed for a remote location. I kept trying to get serious about everything, but couldn't do so.

Things were quickly coming unglued. The client was working vigorously to get us to show him how our system worked. He found an old computer chassis, a monitor, and some cabling. He knew that all he had to do was to get online and he could pull up our site. I was sitting back observing the activity. I made suggestions now and then, but let the group make the key decisions.

Eventually, he managed to get online and bring up the site. He then proceeded to demonstrate how our site could perform the tasks his company wished to accomplish. It was quite a show.

At one point, there were some breakthroughs in how our system handled his requests and performed the operations. At this stage, I was in a meta-state of visualization, able to see clearly what was being done, how it was being done, and how we could modify our system to easily replicate these same results. The place turned into a party atmosphere.

I felt wobbly and uncertain during the initial stages of the dream state and became more at ease during later sections. There was still an overall sense of not being really competent, but lucky.
****************************
Got a call from the agent who was going to show me a place tomorrow to cancel. The place was rented this afternoon. Also have not heard from place in midtown that would be my preferred location.

Realized that if I get a place, I'll have to furnish it with some things minimally. So maybe, perhaps, perchance I should be looking for a furnished option--even if it costs a bit more. Will have to see what presents itself. Overall, and so far, it has not been encouraging. Not unlike the last time even though I felt that it would go more smoothly this time.

Did cruise the "neighborhoods" today and concluded that I'd rather pay a bit more and live further west from 101.

Grabbed a seaweed soup for dinner with the intention that it helps cure my throat tickles. It's been a strange food day--egg Mac mit sausage, acai smoothie mit energy, a piece of cake, and seaweed soup mit fortune cookies.

S called. Good to hear from her. She's working again and did really well in classes while she was off. She's planning to go to San Diego to complete a degree. Happy for her.

Well, I must put some effort into finding a place, planning the move, and figuring out how to make the place livable. Not an easy set of things to pull off, but it must be done.

Time to push the keyboard aside, read a bit, and rest--the tonic of the day--to rest, perchance to dream.

6230

Yesterday was filled with lots of movement and very little progress. L and I went to a friend of hers home for dinner. Good food, but a long evening with loud conversation over politics, war, taxes, and SS. I started buzzing out around my normal bedtime. This was especially true in that I had not slept fully the night before and didn't get to take a restorative nap in the afternoon.

Also in the background, I kept thinking about living space options and what I'm going to have to do to secure a place.

We were up in the hills, in an older home, but one that is cozy, comfortable, and had a view of the bay. H, the man who lives there, is a machinist/tool fabricator, among other things. The tour of his basement was astounding--metal-working lathes, a do-it-yourself home vacuum system, tools arranged in perfect order, a sauna that he had installed (really nicely done), a cutting tool for making clock gears, and on and on.

H and S make an unlikely couple in some ways; not so unlikely in others. He has a big touring cycle with matching helmets and gear. He's one of those people who can build just about anything they decide to make. Reminds me of my "uncle" L who helped raise me. He too was good with his hands and cobbling things together.

Dreams last night revolved around me revisiting some old projects and concepts. It was clear that we were looking over old ideas and examples. There was even some sections of material that had been lifted from earlier proposals and dropped into the current documents. There was an air of not wanting to do things again, and again. Of being tired of the repetition and similarities.

J was involved, including some of his old projects. There were a bunch of new people who were hounding us for details, but my heart wasn't into what was being done. Some of the new people were like Deepak Chopra as a young man with long hair--as a young turk. He kept coming back and looking at what I was doing as if to encourage me to move on with things. But, I was watching some cartoons and old silly movies. I knew he was there, but I ignored him.

I finished by round of antibiotics, but have a tickle in my throat that persists. Hopefully rest and low stress activities (walking) will chase this irritation away.

Tomorrow/tonight, I need to start moving ahead on finding a new place. Right now I just want to sleep some more, but will not just yet.
****************************
General trepidation. Fear of the unknown, but the time has come for me to move onward toward whatever vague arrival point I think I may coming to. There are multiple manifestations of madness. Slow movements and the uncharacteristic smell of decay.

Huh? What? Where is this taking me? Why am I walking this path anyway. Spent a few quiet hours with L and her dog. She fixed a generous meal and I was able to staunch some of the leaks I seem to have developed in myself. But finally had to adjourn, leave and head for the library and the O. Henry award stories for this year. The formidable array of words by the talented best.

Meanwhile, I mope and drag. Flurry and bend. Make myself into a chaotic ball of considerations. As L and I and walked, we bumped into H, a person I've known from the past. He has a place next to J&T. Everyone has a place but me, or so it seems. People have made choices in the past that has led them to freedom. I've only made choices that have devolved, slowed me down, and brought me to a stopping place.

I am in a dark mood, one that is not fit for consumption, not meant for wear. But it is where I find myself this day, this evening, this hour. Solitude is soothing. It is quiet and peaceful until the world intrudes, until life expands to include the solace. So it is May day, the first day of merry month. And time to unrest, disinterr and wake up. The whispers of the silent vistas fill the air. There is a cacophony of noises, each triggered by some forgotten action. Choices have been made and I teeter on the brink of darkness.

In part, I was able to navigate the shadows until now. But my bearings are off. I am foundering in a storm I cannot see, in a tempest I cannot grasp. There are winds and zephyrs flying by my windows, pushing clouds like ships across the horizon.

I cannot seem to find purchase anywhere, or with anything. My grip weakens with each action. My soul empties with each attempt.

So onward into darkness, into uncertainty and mists. Like demons, the thoughts keep crackling in my mind, flaying back the layers of inattention. I awaken slowly, but I do awake. I awaken in time to dream.