5928

Rainy day! Deluge weather! Power went out for a while last night. Had to light candles, which made for a nice quiet period of time. When the lights returned, kept the candles going in the living room with the lights out.

Packed up for moving this morning. Easy pack job--just stuffed clothes in plastic bags. Only used a handful of items out of everything I brought.

Session with Janice tomorrow (later in the day) so will actually move on Thursday. Have scheduled Gas&Electric people for that day (afternoon). Will call telephone people tomorrow to install a phone and DSL (maybe). Looking at options. Don't really need a land line--could do cable company. Plus have numerous other details to handle since the place is pristine but bare. Have found a place that does an "apartment" set of furniture (bedroom, living room, dining room). Have to go see what they look like. I'm still vacillating between "zen" styling and regular furniture. Have to wait until I'm there and can measure spaces so I get stuff that fits.

How am I doing with everything (treatments, moving, setting up the new place, continuing practices, shifting physical states, shifting mental states, life, diet, food, and so forth)? I'm up and down, almost minute-by-minute. I feel good (like right now after eating a bite and resting for a bit) and then I feel like crap and have to collapse for a while. It comes and goes. It makes for a long day since it was raining a lot today and wasn't conducive to walks in the woods.

Tomorrow's session with Janice will force me to get up and about. And then it'll be Thursday and life will force me to get up and about, and about, and about! That's the plan! I think I'm going to better off being out and about (yoga, dance, walks, exercise at gym, etc.) instead of waiting for Godot.

Juggling report: I'm continuing to practice. It's very therapeutic. I've been able to successfully do one cycle--not perfectly, but a cycle. I've also practiced just tossing one object from hand to hand (warm up) and two objects (in two different patterns). Three objects has been challenging, but I've done several single cycles.

Juggling may seem like such a frivolous activity, but I tell you it makes my brain feel better--and that's the point of this entire adventure. Will tell Janice (the juggle meister) tomorrow and get her reaction. It probably will be--whatever activates the dopamine system.

Quiet evening right now. I feel somewhat centered as I write. Tremor is there, but in the background. I can't help but think of all of the people I know and how much they've supported me during this strange adventure, especially M&E for their hospitality and assistance. I am grateful to everyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you! One and all!

5929

Session with Laura today. Good session. We covered a lot of ground. Two hours flew by, or so it seemed.

We worked on my right arm/shoulder and the accompanying shaking/tremor. Also did repair work on my right-side rib cage and the rib fractures I experienced there.

She asked at the end of each repair session if my heart was connected to those areas. My shoulder area was particularly messy and was like a cable box that the phone company uses to cross patch all the lines. I told her it was connected, but not by cables, but with tiny WiFi units. We both got a chuckle out of that image.

I returned from the session feeling good, but feeling tired. Took a rest and then started obsessing over my upcoming move and how to get the place furnished (or made livable) so I can get on with what I really need to do. Started looking on the internet for places that rent furniture, sell used furniture, craigslist, etc. Finally concluded that there's little I can do until I'm there and can measure the space and so forth. It's probably more important for me to pull together a working kitchen so I can start normalizing my diet--I don't have to sit to eat.

Also realized just how much stuff I'm going to have to acquire--nearly everything--since I so boldly tossed away everything when I was planning on being more of a nomad. Oh, well! Live and continue to learn, hopefully.

I've been experimenting with an addition to my practices--juggling. I used to be able to juggle three objects. I can smoothly juggle two objects, but how to do three seems to have gotten lost somewhere along the way. I have this theory that when I relearn how to do three objects that my brain/muscles/reflexes will come back into alignment. If feels right when I juggle two items and there's a definite spark when I do manage a cycle with three items.

Will keep practicing and will post results that I discover. Juggling is a dopamine-producing activity that balances the two sides of the brain. Juggle my way to recovery!

Tomorrow begins the packing process, which mostly involves stuffing clothing into plastic bags. Should be a relatively simple task--put stuff in bags, put bags in truck, drive, take bags out of truck, put bags into apartment, unstuff bags.

Power here in Felton is flickering on and off. Rains are still washing over the area and winds are occasionally fairly heavy. Storm tossed dreams.

5930

Had a poor night's sleep last night. Think I got overstimulated when I learned I had gotten the 1BR apartment in PA. Went over this morning and signed the lease. I'm exhilarated but worn out. So this post will be short tonight.

Have session with Laura tomorrow morning. Then back here to start organizing for the move. Have to set up a time with the utilities people for later in the week (probably Thursday). In the meantime, pack up here and continue with treatments. This whole thing was not well planned so it will take me a few weeks to get settled and on some kind of steady regimen. I have to get furniture, unpack storage, and many other tasks--in addition to maintaining my practices, which have suffered in the past few days.

Place is quite nice given the options available in PA. It's a 1BR with full kitchen area, dining nook, storage pantry, living room (bright and light), large closet, bathroom, carport and storage locker. Rent is $825 per month and includes water, garbage, sewage; I pay electric and gas. It's a small complex (14 units) with an onsite laundry. Walking distance to a local park with a bike/hike trail. Landlord is a good person; very warm and helpful. Unit is spic and span, painted out and kitchen in good shape.

That's it for tonight. I'm fried! A steady rain is falling. Good to have finding a place out of the way. Will be nice to have moving over and done. Then will deal with furnishings and such, and whatever reverse commutes I'll be doing to keep in contact with the SC team. It's not over until it's over!

5931

This post is mostly a replay of the weekly summary message sent out to F&F earlier today. The key update is that I've got the 1BR place as soon as I sign a lease and give them a check. Will be doing that tomorrow. Imagining (and a lot of praying) worked! I am so grateful for this abundance of grace. Thank you, Father--Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank everyone for your support, prayers and good thoughts. Will talk more about the place in tomorrow's posting.
************************************
Had sessions with Janice and Rebecca, respectively, on Mon and Wed. Started week with trip over to Palo Alto on Sunday (one of several it turned out). Had moment of bliss again that Sunday as I walked through the Farmer's Market after eating breakfast. The displays of colorful foods, the crowds of people, sunshine, and music playing brought on a moment of feeling like a "normal person"--it was a sense of feeling whole and healthy, of being recovered.

Session with Janice on Monday was truncated because of a scheduling snafu. We still managed to cover a lot of ground despite the short session. We talked a lot about emotional issues and how they impact the symptoms--especially anxieties. I thought that most of my anxiety revolved around looking for a place to live. Turns out, after Wednesday's session with Rebecca, that my diet may have been creating problems as well. Too much sugar!

Tuesday was a tremor day. Spent time combing craigslist, making calls, and shaking. In the evening, finally managed to quiet the tremor as I went to sleep. Note: Tremor stops during sleep for nearly everyone who has Rebellious Qi. The trick is sometimes getting to sleep, but for several weeks now I've been able to sleep fairly well at night (with occasional naps even during the day).

Wednesday saw Rebecca. I told her of my increased levels of tremor and she asked me what I'd eaten that day (she had sent me forms for a nutritional workup). I rattled off what I'd consumed and she noted that I seemed to be getting a lot of sugar. Not good for the nervous system. Also, I'd not been getting much protein and fats--also not good for the nervous system. During the treatment, she managed to lower the tremor intensity. I agreed to shift my food intake away from so much sugar items and get more proteins and fats. Made the connection to last Sunday's moment of bliss (which happened right after eating breakfast--eggs, fried potatoes, toast, jam). Hmmmm! Looking forward to getting Rebecca's nutritional workup and see where that points.

Thursday and Friday were commute days--over the hill and back twice. Put is applications for two places in Palo Alto. One is a small studio in kind of a funky setting, but recently renovated. The 2nd place is much better--1BR apartment that's about twice the size of the studio at a lower cost. The apartment is in a complex that's owned by a family. The studio is in a complex that's handled by a rental agency (property management firm). The apartment would be best. I'm 3rd in line for the studio and I believe 2nd in line for the apartment. It's difficult to be working on this issue from such a long distance. The two trips on Thursday/Friday were about the limit of all I could do those two days. My practices were impacted.

Did alter my diet on those two days and tremor levels seemed to moderate. Reduced sugar intakes dramatically. Short funny story--On Thursday, I was at the rental agency filing an application. I was working in the conference room and got up to go out and get my truck's license number. The conference room had glass walls and I walked smack into one of the panels. Fortunately, I hit the wall with my head and only knocked off my glasses. The receptionist noted that they had just had the panels cleaned that day. Yes, they did!

I'm running a little low-energy today mostly from the excursions over the last few days. Filling out rental application forms is a challenge with my distorted handwriting (micrographia). Takes me some time to fill the form and keep it readable.

Hopefully, I get a call from the apartment person (his name is, appropriately, Angel) with a "go" signal. That's the way I'm imagining it to happen. May it be so! May my next update be from Palo Alto. Love and blessings...

5932

Another apartment rental kind of day. Place showed up on craigslist that had been there before, but they never called back. So, I phoned and got a person (Angel--his name is Angel) and agreed to meet there this afternoon.

Place is ideal. A 1-BR apartment, spacious and just painted out, etc. Price is right. Location is pretty good. There's one person ahead of me in the queue and she hadn't shown up to drop off a deposit--so there's hope I'll get the nod.

Was a long 2nd trip over and back in two days. Not my favorite activity--commuting on Highway 17. But, I made it there and back for two runs. Hopefully, I'll have to go back tomorrow to sign a lease--that's my imagining tonight.

Angel was a very peaceful person. He seemed pleased with his life.

A friend of mine, MSR, sent me a note describing her epiphany she experienced during and after a major car accident. She was unhurt, but the incident caused her to see some things and make some lifepoint connections that she'd not fully integrated before her car went careening out of control. The universe gets our attention in many different ways--sometimes with life-threatening interventions.

She said that during the time the car was tumbling, she had no fear of death even though it might have been the end. What she got was an experience of pure love coming to her from her higher power, through the people in her life. Her life didn't pass before her; her friends and family passed before her and gave her the gift of knowing pure love.

On the way back here today, there was an accident on Highway 17. A car was upended in the middle of the road with three men comforting someone who was trapped in the wreckage. A replay of what MSR had done a few days ago.

After I speak with her, I'll ask her if I may share some of what she wrote. She named the file "Say your goodbyes...and Love Life!"

While I was in Palo Alto this afternoon, I bumped into a woman (Elaine?) that I've seen around town many times. She asked if I had a cold (one symptom is a loss of voice strength). I told her what I'd been doing for the past four weeks. I could sense her need to run away. She didn't want to hear any bad news. She was supportive, but didn't stay and talk very long. This scene will play out many times once I get back.

Today, still kept the sugar intake low, very low. Tremor is there, but I was able to get things done without it being intrusive. Ate more protein today. Rice and veges for dinner with a can of sardines. In many ways, I felt "normal" today with some tremoring. I shake at rest, but seem to be relatively still when I'm engaged--even filling out rental applications.

Tomorrow I await news on the rental front and work on my nutritional assessment.

5933

Spent the day over the hill (in PA) looking at rentals, filling out application forms, driving the highways, and getting the feel of being a "normal person." Lots of work!

I'm tired tonight, but a sort of good tired. Things have been set in motion.

Put in an application for a small studio "cottage" that's about 350 sq. ft. Not very fancy, but would do. I could make it work. $850/mo. including utilities. The address is 380.5 (yes, .5!) Madeline Ct. The place looks like some Tolkein fantasy gone awry. But, it's close to most everything and has a kitchen--the main thing I need to keep myself on track.

I heeded Rebecca's advice today and cut way back on sugars. My tremor was moderate today, despite the driving and stress of dealing with the rentals. I went to the library to use a computer to fill out the application form. I filled it out and clicked Submit. Of course, the web site choked and I lost everything. So, I fill it out again and print each web page this time. Aha! I can deal with these computer things!

I telephone the rental agent and report that the Submit button is not working, but I have the web pages. Their office was close by so I said I'd come by and drop off the material. When I talk with the agent, she says that it would be best if I were to copy all of the data onto a blank form (the one that the computer failed to produce).

Reluctantly, I agreed to do the transcription. But, my micrographia would make it difficult. Writing like I was under water, I filled out the form with hard-to-decipher scrawlings. At one point, I needed the license number from my truck. I got up from the table where I was working (scrawling), turned and walked directly into a glass wall. Fortunately, I hit it with my head. It knocked the lens out of my reading glasses. The receptionist remarked that they had just had the glass partitions cleaned. Clean enough for me! I didn't see it until I hit it.

Finally, I turned in my fading font size transcriptions and headed back to the big freeway. Like a "normal person." I await the rental god's (and goddess's) announcements. They phoned to tell me that they'd call tomorrow with any final news. I'm 3rd in line for the unit, but not getting it will open the door to something else.

Spoke to my friend, P, and she told me she got a new car--a VW bug! Big jump from her hot sports car to the bug, but I think she'll like the change.

While at the library, I downloaded and printed all of Rebecca's documents for the nutritional workup. I'll be filling them out this weekend when I'm not running back over the hill for rental-related business. It's getting cold. Time to wrap myself in thick blankets.

One final bit--RB a close friend picked up on my question about my energy levels and climbing a 13,000 ft. snow-covered mountain a few years ago--here's what he wrote:

Yes, you did climb a mountain in the snow to 13,000 ft. You did that, I was there, I saw you, we climbed together. We watched one another climb, we breathed the same rip snorting mountain air, watched that sunrise together, that primordial churn of air and water vapor over our heads, reflecting the sun's rising rays in a thousand colors. You did that. All that is inside of you, you carry that with you everywhere you go. I'm proud that I got to climb w/ you. Let's go climb something again.

Yes! Let's do it!

5934

Dreamed | last night | but lost them in the waking time.

Session tonight with Rebecca. Helped moderate the tremors. We talked a lot about my diet and how it may be affecting the tremors. I guess I've been ingesting a lot of sugars and carbohydrates (which turn into sugars), not eating enough fats (been pretty lean in that department), and perhaps not enough protein--what else is there?

Anyway, the treatment moderated the symptoms and I had some salmon sushi before the session, which feels like it's kicking in now. She's going to do a nutritional workup with me once I complete the forms. She recommended using coconut oil for cooking. It has really digestible and important fats that the body needs to function well.

I'll shift my diet over the next few days and see what happens. Makes sense. Blood sugars, fats and proteins are all building blocks for neurotransmitters--and guess what are out of whack? My nervous system. Also, fluctuations in glucose levels (and insulin) trigger adrenaline-like reactions--it's like raising a danger flag. I went through this early in the sessions and looked to link what was going on to my diet. As things progressed, I stopped monitoring. Now, I'm getting such persistent tremors for apparently no reason that my diet could be the culprit.

Will start increasing my fats, proteins, and cut back on sugars. Can't hurt and should probably help. Rebecca indicated that once she does a workup I might consider charting my food against my symptom levels. I might even experiment and start eating something that I stopped eating to see if the symptoms return. The information might be valuable for others who are formulating their diets.

But first--need a place to live with a kitchen in which to formulate my diet. Will be heading over the hill tomorrow to check out a few places. Hopefully, can find and secure a place quickly. I'll then have access to yoga, dancing, movement workshops (there's an authentic movement class on the 18th), chiropractor, daily walks, and all of my practices--and a laboratory for my cuisine.

I feel a thousand times better than I was feeling when I went down tonight for the treatment. Must be something I ate along with Rebecca's great skills. Come to think of it, my moment of joy on Sunday happened right after we had eaten brunch (eggs, ham, toast, potatoes, jam) that was loaded with cholesterol, fats, protein and minimal carbohydrates. As did a previous moment several weeks back--we had just finished eating. Could my system be that out of balance? In short, yes! I've been eating plenty, but I may have been eating not enough of some essentials and too much sugar. Like I said, it makes sense. Will experiment tomorrow and see what happens.

Give us this day our daily bread--and fats, and protein, and acai berries, and... All the rest!

5935

It's been a long day. Tremor showing up nearly all day. Been making calls and looking for a place to live. That activity seems to be triggering anxiety and symptoms. L suggested that I break things down into simple steps. Good idea! Have been, as per last night, looking just for a temporary place over in PA--one I can move into and use as a home base while looking for something more permanent. Makes sense, but still requires keeping on top of listings and trying to be there first--adrenaline behavior--with my adrenaline tank being dry.

There was an "ideal" place listed back on the 17th--a furnished studio sublet for 3 months. When I call, I get a vmail system that is in overwhelm--it announces that it is not working properly--probably because its message memory is full.

Feel a bit more grounded now that I've eaten dinner. May not have been eating enough today--that also triggers symptoms. Tried taking a nap, but couldn't fall asleep. Been doing a fair amount of movement today--Qigong, walking, moving with the light body (an exercise where I visualize my light body initiating a movement and follow it with my physical self. Helps energize my physical being.

Last night, as I sat for awhile, I attempted to ask my heart to ask my mind why it needed to continue tremoring. In doing so, I ended up with my hands and fingers placed on my forehead as if I were touching different acupressure points. What happened is that the tremoring subsided. I became quiet and when I went to bed, I dropped off into sleep fairly quickly. Not sure what I was doing, but the result was good.

The friend who pointed me to the Law and Promise book just sent me a pointed to the Abraham-Hicks materials. She said one book of theirs deals with thoughts similar to Law and Promise.

Anyway, today was not one of my better days. Will revision it tonight and see tomorrow being spectacular. Have a session with Rebecca tomorrow--late in the day. Looking forward to working with her.

I want to say something profound, but nothing of profundity manifests. So goodnight Mrs. Calabash! Wherever you are!

5936

Short session today. Some scheduling confusion involved. Time enough for about 9 needles. Four to check channel flows. Five more (in forearms and third eye) to help balance system (energy and anxiety).

I spoke quite a bit to the sense that I'm running more emotional stuff, which is helping keep my anxiety levels up and accentuating symptoms. Guess what? Since I'm thinking that I'm having emotional issues, I'm having emotional issues. It's not to deny what's happening, but to just notice what's so. In the physical department, I'm weak but progressing. In the emotional arena, I'm running around in circles, flapping my wings, and getting nowhere.

A lot of the anxiety is centering around finding a place to move back to, and doing so from a remote location. I created this situation in moving here. Now, it's like I have to undo everything, again. It will happen. It's just how much thrashing will I have to do before it all comes together. Oh, the joy of being fragmented!

Had a "magic moment" yesterday at the MP farmer's market. Can't hold onto it, but can let the feelings that arose wash back over me today.

Janice encouraged me to do some of what I call "etheric body" movements. It's letting the light body lead movements and having the physical body follow those movements. She suggested that I practice this exercise. She confirmed that I need less and less of the team's attention. It really is up to me now. It's in my hands (heart, soul, body, mind). She also encouraged me to experience whole body sensations--not just left foot, right foot, etc. Everything is connected and can be experienced that way. That's why their support works the way it works. It supports the whole self, not just the body part being held.

To get a bit philosophical, the whole self is connected as well. What's happening on the various levels (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual) are all part of the whole, the complete being. I can experience this wholeness, this completeness--like I did for a moment at the farmer's market on Sunday. In that moment, I was joy--my entire being was joy, motion, emotion, completeness, and fluidity.

Meanwhile, back at reality ranch, I'm fragmented and not connected--or so I believe. I guess I know where I've work to do, to be done. Accepting the whole picture, the whole system. I long for wholeness, so it must be there. It must be possible! I just have to adjust my goggles so that I see clearly, completely, and fully.
*************************************
Had a thought about the housing issue. Perhaps rent a furnished place (sublet) to get me over there so I can better look for a permanent location. Several options are available--temp sublet or even a furnished room (except don't want to replay my last room--something more bright and not so small). Anyway, checked craigslist and found a couple of possibles. There's a 3-month sublet that looks great. Vmail system on their end has overflowed--will keep trying.

Out of a lot of chaos came some solid possibilities that are not so difficult to deal with. Tomorrow I'll concentrate and see what I can discover. There are options. There are possibilities. Somewhere a place for me!

It's getting pretty cold tonight. It was warmer down in SC today, but not so here in the Feltons.

Even though I took a nap this afternoon, I'm feeling drowsy and it's still fairly early. The cool air is contributing. Makes me want to crawl under the covers and bury my head. Sleep! The balm of healing. Sleep and dream, perhaps.

Reading Cannery Row. What a succinct and perfect piece of writing. He brings that era to life. Reading is a good sign, a positive signal that I'm on the healing track. Although tremor is more active tonight--blame it on the cold! I'll have a conversation with my heart/mind/arm later and find out what's triggering the activity.

5937

Had a moment of "being healthy" again today. I had gone over to the Palo Alto area for the day. I was checking out some possible living spaces. I met up with L and we went to breakfast in Menlo Park. After eating, we were walking around town and came to the farmer's market. The sun was shining, the food stands were filled with colorful, healthy foods. A trio was playing music. I suddenly had an overwhelming sensation of being happy and well. It brought me to tears and then to dancing along.

This is the 2nd time I've had this experience--both times when I'd gone over the hill to my old home ground. The area seems to be calling me. This week is find a new place to live week. Need to nail that issue down so I can move onward. I have sessions Monday and Wednesday this week. Can set up appointments for the end of the week (and could go over on Tues, if needed). I keep thinking of moving as being a hassle. Take off the black hat; put on the white hat! Forget hassle and think joy. Think peace of mind, doing practices, going to yoga classes, dancing, getting adjustments, taking walks, and so much more.

Just did an interlude on Craigslist. Several possibles there. Will also check the Vrent places about town. They may have something that's reasonably priced. And then again, they may not. (I just did a check on one of their properties and it looks like it's high-priced.) Oh, well!

Somewhere there's a place for me (a little West Side story lyrics). More later!
*************************************
Put on a pot of rice. I think I've nearly exhausted my ability to eat much more brown rice. My body is starting to send signals that it's had about enough of this staple. My appetite may be returning, perhaps. Breakfast this morning was simple, but really tasty. (eggs, potatoes, rye toast and pear jam)

Not much thought about symptoms today--it's been more of a "normal person" day. I'm feeling somewhat draggy right now, but I think it's because I need some food--even if it is rice. Been a full day without a rest. Symptoms have in general been mild. They've been there, but more in the background versus the foreground.

Need to do some movement so I'm cutting this short tonight.

I'll hold on to the moment in Menlo Park--the moment of pure bliss... may there be many more!

5938

End of the 1st week of reduced sessions. Here's a copy of the summary note that was emailed to F&F list...
************************************
Hi All--
This past week involved only two treatment sessions and many more days on my own--practicing what I've learned so far. First session was on Wed so had four days to practice before seeing the first practitioner. It was a long four days. I did pretty well. Practiced, read, slept well, took a few naps (really a breakthrough here--I hadn't been able to nap for several weeks--now I can again).

I just looked back at my daily blog (laranstar.blogspot.com) and realized how focused I was for the times on my own. I was focused despite my thoughts about what I did--despite my black hat thinking. Hmmmm!

I had picked up the Law and Promises book over the weekend and found it to be very relevant to where I'd been, where I was, and where I plan to be. The essence of the book is "imagining creates reality."

There's a paragraph in the book that I quoted in my daily blog that sent shivers through me--

"Thus the man with palsy was told to rise, to take up his bed and walk--to mentally act as if he were healed; and when the actions of his imagination corresponded with the actions which he would physically perform were he healed--he was healed."

That paragraph summarizes what this whole treatment program is all about--imagining and healing, or recovering as the team likes to refer to the results.

Wednesday had a treatment with Laura. She put about 16 needles in what I call my "merry go round" scar. Wasn't that big of a deal--not as much as I imagined it might be. We worked on quite a few things during the session (leg, knee, tremor, neck, and more, including the needling).

Thursday I was slightly out of phase with things--I was clearly more anxious. Could have been a result of the Wednesday session (the needling), or maybe I was just feeling more anxious. Actually, the anxiety started showing up on Wednesday evening and peaked out on Thursday. Thursday turned out to not be a very structured day as the week went.

Friday, I managed to return to the program, as well as get a treatment from Rebecca. With her help, I was able to "move" the persistent pressure that I feel on my right side out of my body. I was able to create myself as a "normal person." With her coaching, I came away with some valuable tools to help me normalize how I feel and what I am experiencing. It is a blessing.

Rebecca and I worked on a number of issues in addition to the movement of the pressure field. I told her about a memory replay that I had experienced the previous night that was like a movie. It dealt with some old fear-based activities that I had been involved with back when I was 20 or so. I had a break back then that put me into a state of paranoia. In that state, I acted out crazy patterns and did some nutty things. All of these events played back on Thursday evening--like a movie--in great detail.

For more detail on the days of this week or the session specifics, please look at my blog (laranstar.blogspot.com). The notes for each day are about the length of this message and I don't want to try and cut and paste them here since this is a summary.

Today was wet and cold. Winter finally arrived! I wasn't well focused today. I did get out for a very chilly walk, but came back and rested. I asked Rebecca yesterday about my continuing feeling of being weak. She pointed out that I've recently experienced what would be equivalent to a major illness--like a person who has been confined to bed for an extended period. That it is normal for me to be weak, and that it will take some time for me to fully recover my previous vitality. That I need to rest when I feel like resting and give myself a break while I restore. That my adrenaline system has been depleted and can't be called upon like in the past.

It makes total sense, but I couldn't help but remember that four years ago, I climbed a mountain in the snow to 13,000 feet. I did it with adrenaline, of course, but I miss being that vital. But, I'm imagining myself being that vital once again, without the use of adrenaline.

I've started looking for a place back in Palo Alto. That activity is creating some anxiety, but I need to make the move and get settled so I can focus on my practices and full recovery. I keep imagining a place materializing, but I've got to make a few trips over there to make it happen.

I guess, bottom line, I feel good about my progress and about the program. I look forward to being moved and settled so I can focus my full attention on fostering my full recovery and expanding my range of activities. This experience has inspired me to volunteer some of my time to help other seniors in whatever ways I can. My friend RS reminded this past week about the magic of mirrors and how seeing myself in one changes my way of being. Love and blessings...

5939

Dreamed | a host of old dreams | not so much dreams as memories | I recalled some events when I was younger | Everything was in stark detail | It was like watching a film unfold | All of it replayed and then it was at peace.

Cold today and raining. Still managed to get in a walk before the rains descended. There's talk of snow at lower elevations. Could be, but the cold winds are enough for me. I'm ready for Hawaii.

Had a session with Rebecca this afternoon. I left a bit early so I could snag a couple of bran muffins from the Staff of Life store (and some Odwalla drinks--they are cheaper there). Also went to the book store to try and order the Law and the Promise for gifts. It's out of print. But, I bought one last weekend at East/West. Have to check back with them and see if they can get me copies.

Session with Rebecca went really well. I managed to "move" the pressure associated with the symptom out of my body. Used the heart connection and had the heart talk to the pressure (leg, side, head, arm, etc.) and move it or get it to move. In my head (right side), there was a dark-colored gas. I drilled a hole in the skull and let the gas out, and then repaired the hole. My head filled with a bright light and made the partition that was housing the gas disappear as well.

My heart had a dialog with my right arm concerning the pressure the arm was exuding. The arm replied that it was tensing up to protect me (the self). The heart asked if the protection could be accomplished by relaxing instead of tensing. The arm agreed to try it. The tension released. Then a lime green light flooded the arm and the right side of my body. The pressure and tensions went away.

Somewhere before the dialog between my arm and my heart, I had to remove an arrow from my right arm. When the arrow was removed, I had a quick replay of my mother throwing a fork at me and having it stick in my right shoulder. This incident really happened although my mother adamantly denied it.

Bottom line--I feel like a normal person tonight--hooray! And I have a good tool to help recreate what we did today.

More happened within the session. Rebecca work on my neck/head using craniosacral adjustments. I related my waking dream of some old events that happened around the time I lived in SF. When the events took place, I had a lot of fear and paranoia around them. With the replay, I was more of an observer and could simply watch the actions. I was amazed at how detailed and clear the replay was. It was real enough that I could see objects and places distinctly. It was like watching a replay on a video camera--every detail, every action.

I gave Rebecca's contact information to a friend of mine who is looking for someone to help her reestablish her energy levels.

Speaking of energy levels, I mentioned to Rebecca that I was still feeling weak. She said I should be feeling that way. It's like I've been bed-ridden with an illness for a very long time and it will take some time to recover. I have to go slow. Let my right arm rest. It's been defending me. Time for it to get some R&R. It'll take as long as it takes for me to fully heal and come back to my previous levels. I thought about that last night--four years ago I climbed Mt. Shasta. Where did that vitality go? Into adrenaline-based efforts! Adrenaline no longer works. Have to restore, recover, and repair.

M&E are out dancing tonight. I need to settle my living place so I too can get back to dancing. So be it!

5940

Dreamed | last night | about two exceptional children | a brother and a sister | he was younger, she older | They could do miraculous things. | I was helping teach them. | Something to do with water and language. |

Cold today. Cold last night. Affects my tremor. Awoke shaking and until now have been shaking quite a bit today. I noticed that I'm experiencing some letdown. From the past four weeks or from yesterday's session? Or because it's a letdown kind of day.

Walked down to the laundry today. This morning that was a bracing experience--colder than all get out. Invigorating! Tonight was less cold, but still chilly. I was bundled tightly.

Went to Capitola today for breakfast/lunch. Met LL there and had a good 2-hour visit. Ate at the Dharma Cafe (www.dharmaland.com). A natural foods cafe with an elaborate menu (check the site).

Practice was not very structured today. Like I said, it was a cold, letdown kind of day.

It was good to see LL, but I felt myself fall into odd patterns, moods and distracted thinking. It's as if I'm a child and am relearning things (walking, talking, thinking, interacting with others, focusing, and so forth). Perhaps related to last night's dream--about me teaching two young children.

Tomorrow have a late afternoon session with Rebecca. She's been my anchor throughout this process. Each of her sessions have brought me into balance. Chris has been grounding. Janice has been challenging. Laura has been a pool of compassion interlaced with helping me address challenges. Rebecca has been the anchor, literally and figuratively.

I notice that as I write this post I also feel like I'm coming into focus, into balance. I experience a pleasure, a deep satisfaction when putting words together--for any reason. It feeds my soul!

As I write, the layers of the day peel away and reveal a steady source of energy and satisfaction. The actions of the day do not produce this sensation. The writing about the day's actions does expose that sensation. So, I should just write continuously? But, what will be the day's actions in that instance? Just the action of writing, but with nothing to write about. Hmmm! A problem with this picture?

Yet, even now I'm writing about writing and not about any actions. So, it's possible to write and have the writing not be tied to the day's actions, even though the writing is an action. All this is making my brain itch.

I seem to like it better when I have something to report--like tomorrow's session and all of the attendant sub-actions. But, I realize that the session is only two hours--the day is much longer.

I just noticed that I had set the thermostat too low. The room was filling with arctic air. Much better now. I cranked up the heat.

I got an email from a friend today who healed a ruptured disk in her lower back. She said she did it by visualizing having everything being stuffed back in place. It worked for her! About time for me to do some imagining regarding myself. Imagining and dreams! I know they work together.

5941

Dreamless | or so it seemed | nothing filtering in from the twilight zone | could be imagining is truncating my dreams | since I'm dreaming awake.

Session with Laura today. First of a one-month series where I go two times a week. Felt comfortable today. I'm much less anxious than I was when I started treatments a few weeks back. I was less anxious despite that she needled the merry-go-round scar on my left leg. She inserted 16 needles in the scar tissue with little to no discomfort. I believe only one needle created anything like a pain. The region is mostly fatty tissue and as Laura noted was like sticking a pin in butter.

In addition to the needles, we worked on my right leg (calf, knee, thigh bone, etc.). The leg felt like it wanted to stretch and elongate in order to position the knee cap correctly and have the bone fit into the joint. The result was that my right leg seems longer (which it probably is).

She also held my head and neck and helped with some sacro-cranial movements and motions. My neck clearly wants to move about. We talked some about the tremor (how it's subsiding and how I can affect its intensity). I mentioned my reaction to her client that came out as I was coming in last week. I mentioned how a friend of mine, RS, pointed out that she was a mirror for me, and I started crying--for the woman and for myself. Laura noted that tears may come more often now fro me.

I meandered my way back to the house. Stopped at the natural foods grocery and picked up some delicious cranberry muffins. Went to Trader Joe's to get some staples (prune juice and all-fruit trail mix). Went to the book store to see if they carried The Law and the Promise. I think it would be a perfect gift for the team members. The one excerpt (posted yesterday) is so appropriate--so much so I'll repeat it here--

"Thus the man with palsy was told to rise, to take up his bed and walk--to mentally act as if he were healed; and when the actions of his imagination corresponded with the actions which he would physically perform were he healed--he was healed."

Did some walking today, but didn't do my "lap" to the gate (or beyond) and back. Got up early and focused on getting to this morning's treatment, but still have a few things to do before night settles in--a little yoga, some cardio machine repetitions, some body talk (although treatment covered some of this), some imagining, some prayers, some reading and some looking for a place to live. Break time!
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Feeling a bit frazzled tonight. Perhaps some residue of the treatment. Perhaps the needling. Or perhaps the treatment released some feelings or emotions. Whatever it is, I'm feeling frazzled. Interesting word, frazzled. Thought I'd look up its definition. Means to be totally exhausted or worn out. That's not exactly how I'm feeling. I'm feeling anxious for some reason. I looked up this word's definition and find it to be applicable. Anxious! The ubiquitous anxiety. The anxiety that unknits the sleeve of raveled care.

One definition--experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. That about sums it up, although there's a secondary meaning as well--wanting something very much, typically with a feeling of unease. Hmmm! They both embody and characterize what I'm feeling tonight. Laura said today that typically their program flattens most people's anxieties. I imagine myself in such a state. May it be made real!

Interesting how the anxiety inserted itself into the conversation, the flow, between the session and tonight.

I asked Rebecca to send me her survey forms for doing a nutritional workup. I also accepted a HurkelQuest invitation from a student who is running his first HQ game with my friend and spirit brother, the Dragon. I have a pile of mail to sort through and other dangling details--some of which might create anxiousness.

Didn't win the lottery last night. Means I will do so on some future draw. Will the days fly away without seeing thee, my Lord? An old kirtan hymn raises it's head and sings to me. I'm getting punchy and it's still an early hour. But, rest I must and rest I will. Anxious or not!

5942

Dreamed | last night | but lost the dream threads | somewhere in the dreaming.

Slept well. Slept in as well. Didn't get moving until nearly 9am. "Sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care..."

Have to remember to try and eat more today. Had a hearty breakfast, but now it's already lunch time. May walk into town and get a sandwich at the New Leaf deli. It's another sunny day. Did do my Qigong movements this morning, after breakfast. PG&E came by to install a CO meter and do some venting work around the hot water heater. Disrupted my morning flow.

Managed to get in some imagining while they were here, but as I say the morning flow has been jumbled and tossed.
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Did walk into town and grabbed a sandwich. Warm, spring day even though it's February--Valentine's Day.

When I got back, I did some yoga, some cardio machine repetitions, some body talk, some imagining. By dinner (which I wasn't hungry for), I'd also read some more of the Law and the Promise book. Later, I finished the Seventh Son. There was a segment in it dealing with self-healing. Serendipity or synchronicity, or both?

Ran across a really pertinent paragraph in the Law and the Promise book:

"Thus the man with palsy was told to rise, to take up his bed and walk--to mentally act as if he were healed; and when the actions of his imagination corresponded with the actions which he would physically perform were he healed--he was healed."

This excerpt characterizes what the book is about, completely. See myself healed, doing the things I would be doing if I were healed--and I am healed! Working on the lottery as well. Drawing takes place in just a few minutes. MegaMillions swing and sway; MegaMillions come our way! Also working on a place to live. It is fun!

Tomorrow have an early morning (well not that early) treatment with Laura. I have had a couple of good days on my own, but will be great to do a check-in and get some reflection/feedback.

Cancelled my chiropractor appointment for tomorrow--have not been that comfortable with the adjustments so am going to stop for now, until I'm back over the hill and can get to my regular practitioner (whose office caught on fire a few days ago--they're operating out of another person's offices for now). Don't know the details of the fire, but I guess it totaled their old space.

I see a healthy person staring back at me from the mirror on the wall. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the healthiest of all? We both are. Tonight I feel like there's less distance between the images and the realities. A good feeling!

M&E are off to a meeting tonight. One of their community projects. I'll probably go to bed early, read some more of the Law and the Promise, and do some of the revisioning exercises that are suggested in that text. Peaceful day!

5943

First Monday (Moonday, Moondaze) "off" in several weeks. Normally have had a treatment scheduled with Chris for this day. So, I've been on my own today. I've managed it well.

Got up and used the living room for my morning Qigong movements. Then made breakfast (oatmeal) and sat for a while. M is up north babysitting today and tomorrow. E slept in (almost too late). I used the quiet and silence to sit, to talk some to my body, to do some imagining (seeing me healthy, seeing me in a place that supports my healing process and activities, and me winning the MegaMillion lottery tomorrow--why not?), went for a walk (2.5 miles), did some cardio machine repetitions, and fell asleep while E was out to a meeting. And the day is still young!

Balmy weather here today--almost feels tropical. Could rain I suppose.

I stilled the tremor this morning. Used the anchors that I'd received in last week's sessions to quiet and still the tremor for a bit. Somewhere between the anchors (heart/mind connection and the visualizing of light filling my upper right arm) and the imagining myself healed and whole, the tremor subsides. Of course, in the imagining I see myself without any shaking--I'm just a "normal person."

I also keep using my unaffected left side of my body as a model for the right side. If I'm having difficulty doing something with my right hand/arm, I do it with my left and then repeat that set of actions with my right. It usually seems to unlock the right side to do this.

I've also been practicing writing my name in large letters in the air (as suggested by Laura). Doing so makes my brain feel good and seems to affect my regular signature--it's more well-formed and more legible. My whole body gets involved in doing this exercise and it feels great to do it.

As this next month ticks on by, I've several key items that I need to handle--new place to live, strengthening my practices, taxes (oh, yeah!), and deciding if I need a new wardrobe (none of my clothes fit me anymore since I've lost so much weight)--in addition to getting eight more treatments (which are the most pleasant and fun items on this list).
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Read some this afternoon. Reading a SciFi novel by Orson Scott Card called the Seventh Son. Interesting story set in the early period of American history, but in a culture that still had a large component of magic interwoven throughout. There is an interesting echo of the Law and the Promise book (imagining creates reality) in the Card book. There are companion themes in both books.

Tonight, I got really tired and weak-feeling. Some of these sensations went away after eating. I may have not eaten enough today--I did eat somewhat lightly and not as frequently as I've been doing. Will eat more tomorrow and see what happens. I was definitely falling into a "this isn't working" funk. Feel better now--clearer and more focused.

I am still weak in certain ways. For example, my right arm doesn't want to move in certain ways--like washing a pan using a circular motion. I can't seem to put on pressure with the hand. This has been an ongoing problem for several months, and it hasn't seemed to improve. If I model with my left hand/arm, I can get more out of my right hand/arm. I keep thinking that the cardio machine repetitions should be helping improve things, but it doesn't seem to be doing much.

I notice that not going to a treatment gives me plenty of time/space to find things that are not working. In fact, I can become tightly focused on what isn't versus what is. Wear a white hat and forget those negative thoughts!

Looked at craigslist today to see what places were available. One studio in my old Barron Park neighborhood that sounds promising. Other places in Mt. View and Redwood City. Yikes! Month is already half gone! March will be here soon. Where go the days? They fall like leaves.

5944

Slept well last night. Still feel logy and tired though. Spent the day being quiet, practicing imagining myself healthy, doing some Qigong, some yoga, working out on the cardio machine, going for a long walk, resting some, eating, and such.

Feeling a little restless. Got several emails about the summary I posted for the end of the 4th week of treatments. RS sent me one of his delightful commentaries and recap of the India trip that he's been serializing in his messages. For some reason, I was touched by what he wrote--especially a part that talked about me seeing the woman with pronounced symptoms. He compared my seeing her to the silver on a mirror--me seeing myself in her and opening up to compassion--for both of us. His commentary and observation brought me to tears. The heart is connected.

Got several other messages that were equally touching.

I spent a fair amount of time today imagining myself healthy, being healthy without regard to how I get there--just see myself healthy and whole. There is a right feeling about this activity. It seems to open a doorway to that reality. I've also, less thoroughly, imagined me being in a healing place--in the place where I will live as I continue to heal. This imagining was more difficult, but needs to be done. I worked to see me in the place with everything as it will be, as it can be.

Got my treatment times for the coming week--Wed and Fri--Laura and Rebecca, respectively. Chris actually replied, from Amsterdam. Was surprised to get the notice from him, from my International support line. Good old email!

M&E were buried today finishing up a letter of intent for an arts' summer project they are helping to create.

So, I have two days before my next treatment. First Monday "off" since I began the program. Also four days "off" total counting the weekend. A little concerned that I can keep the momentum going on my own--but must learn to do so. But, I throw away that black hat and don a white one--I will keep the momentum going.

Tremor has been more present today, more active. For no particular reason other than me being more responsible for results and outcomes now. I shake therefore I am! Time to do some imagining and see what realities tomorrow will manifest.

5945

This post is the same as the update sent out to the F&F distribution list. Daily recent posts contain more detail (#'s 5950-5946). This post provides a summary of the last week in the 4-week series that I've just completed. Next week I go to two treatments per week. May the Rebellious Qi in the Stomach Channel be quelled.
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Hi all--
Week 4 of treatments (last set of 4 treatments in this initial series) went really well. I was pronounced "recovered" and told several times that I look healthy, that I'm moving in a healthy manner, and that I'm exhibiting fewer and fewer symptoms of the illness.

I'm stronger, more awake, better able to put my words and thoughts together, and starting to experience longer periods of being a "normal person"--that is a person without the telltale symptoms of Rebellious Qi in the Stomach Channel. Had a few more needles inserted into the scars on my right hand. One scar has all but disappeared. The other, which was larger and more toughened, is pliable and allowing the energy to flow through that area.

The most remarkable progress for this week was that in every session I had the experience of me stopping the tremor. In four sessions, I was able to work with the images and energies and halt the tremor. The length of time it was stopped varies, but I had four direct experiences of it stopping.

Worked with Chris on Monday. Session was late in the day. We had a really quiet, almost non-verbal session, that brought me to a profound still place. (Again for details, please refer to my daily blog -- laranstar.blogspot.com. In this note, I'm only recapping highlights.)

On Wednesday, I worked with Janice. She verified that the energy flows were working normally by observing the flows and responses from the points on my hands (between thumb and index finger) and my feet (right hand and left foot, left hand and right foot). She and I then did an exploration of my brain--looking, imaginally, for trouble spots, misalignments, disproportions, and anything that didn't look or feel correct. At one point, I noticed an area deep in the brain that was covered by a membrane with two holes or channels that looked like ports for a plug or connector. In looking around, I found a plug that was disconnected. I plugged it in and the tremor stopped. Upon investigation, I discovered that the other end of the plug (which now looked like a jumper cable) was connected to my heart. Interesting! I reconnect my heart and my mind, and the tremor stopped. I went into that profound stillness that I had experienced with Chris on Monday. Janice and I covered a lot during this session, but the still point was the highlight.

Janice also told me a story about a client who just wanted to feel like a "normal person." I totally understood what that person was asking for--relief from the constant awareness of the illness, which pervades both thought and action. On Friday, I got a chance to come back to this issue and do something about it. Janice also suggested that I might write a book about my experiences with the illness, the treatments, and my recovery--which she pronounced as being a fact.

Friday, I did two sessions--first with Laura and then with Rebecca. As I entered the treatment center where Laura works, a woman emerged. She had marked symptoms of the disease--noticeable tremor, leg dragging, etc. I couldn't help but feel how lucky I was to have started treatments early on, but I also felt bad for the woman. I pray that she recovers completely. She had a joyful, happy face despite the physical manifestations.

Laura worked with me to remove a "creature" that was crouching on my right shoulder--the presence of the illness. I asked the creature to leave and replace it with a ball of light--high energy light. When this action was complete, the tremor stopped. I was once again still. Laura then worked with me to reframe my jumper cord image (heart/mind connection) so that I didn't go looking for an unplugged wire, but simply went to verify that the connection was in place. A subtle difference, but one that makes more sense in terms of what I'm choosing to reinforce--which is the more positive way to verify connection.

Talked with Laura about next steps--two sessions per week for another month. She verified that it's really up to me and that I should do what feels right to me. They are there to work with me on whatever basis makes sense to me.

Worked with Rebecca yesterday afternoon. She picked up on the work I did with Laura, and continued to help me process, move, envision, and relax my right arm, shoulder, side. The end result was another stilling of the symptoms--a quietening that was again profound. I came home last night, ate dinner, read a bit, and went into a deep sleep--the best sleep I've had in months. (PS: During the "off" days, I really wanted to sleep during the day, which I managed to do. I'd not been able to nap during the day since I had moved here, but did so this week. I view this as a positive sign--healing and sleep are companions.)

Today, I drove over the hill to pick up my mail, have lunch at Dee-Dee's with L, spend some time with my daughter (trying to get her Internet connection going, which I didn't manage to do), and pick up a book, The Law and the Promise by Neville Goddard. The book was suggested to me by a friend (MollieO), who said the book was pertinent to the recovery processes I'm doing. The book is about "imagining creating reality" as being the Law. It is very pertinent--thanx for the suggestion MollieO!

The Law phrase reminds me of a saying by another friend of mine (the Dragon)--"reality expands to match the available fantasies"... I have a lot of imagining still to do, but I can imagine myself having done that imagining with fun and powerful results.

I'm imagining moving back over into the Palo Alto area so I'll be near its resources (chiropractors, yoga classes, dance lessons, dances, healthy foods, and much more). I'm imagining doing my daily practices and recovering my health in all respects. I'm imagining being a "normal person" once again. Love and blessings...

5946

Worked with Laura and Rebecca today--two sessions almost back-to-back. Some repeat of events while working with Janice on Wednesday and Chris on Monday. Mainly, stopped the tremor in each session. With Chris, it just subsided. With Janice, we were working on the brain and reconnected a loose connection that ran from the mind to the heart. When the connection was made, the tremor stopped.

With Laura, we stopped it by removing the creature that's been sitting on my shoulder all these months. I asked the creature to leave and replaced it with a ball of light and energy. The tremor subsided. Laura also pointed out a better strategy for checking if the heart/mind connection is intact. Looking to see if it's disconnected is not a productive way to go. Rather, she suggested that I merely sense the connection by touching my heart and saying the word heart. A subtle, but important adjustment--makes it an active, positive thought instead of a fix-it one. Subtle, but effective.

Later today, Rebecca worked with my right arm and shoulder. She mainly supported those areas and brought the tremor to a halt once again. So, this week, I've been able to halt the tremor on at least four occasions. An excellent way to end the 4th week of intensive sessions. Next week begins the reduced number of sessions and me doing more on my own.

It could take a year (or more) to fully recover from this malaise that I called upon myself. I have much to do, but the treatment team has given me a lot to work with and much experience of what I need to do.

When I went into today's 1st session, a woman (fairly young) was coming out. Her right arm and hand were trembling, she was dragging her right leg, but she was happy and smiling. I couldn't help but picture myself in her condition--except I've managed, with a lot of guidance, to come to the treatments early on--for which I'm truly grateful. I have seen progress in what I've done so far, and I feel that I've put actions in motion that will keep me from becoming like the woman I saw. It's up to me, but I know it can be done. I have to be patient and disciplined. Mindful--as Rebecca coached today--be mindful and awake. I wish the lady I saw today a wonderful breakthrough in her recovery process. I wish her grace and blessings.

Good week, good sessions and a good day. Tomorrow will make the trek over the hill and back. Will pick up mail and hopefully have lunch at Dee-Dee's. It's the little pleasures that make the difference.

Starting to look forward to the coming weeks and what they will bring. Will do a summary of the past week either tomorrow or Sunday and post it here as well as send it out to the F&F list.

Tonight, I feel like a normal person... Oh, yeah!

5947

L asked a pertinent question in one of her emails--How will I know when I'm fully recovered?
What's my benchmark?

Yesterday, Janice spoke of a client who asked that the treatments be such that she would feel like a "normal person." I absolutely know what that person was talking about. This illness, for me, is like carrying a creature on my shoulder who constantly makes me aware of its presence. No matter what I do, I am aware of the creature perched up there, influencing my actions.

If I recover to the point that I become unaware of the creature, I will then be a "normal person."

Today, I went to the Felton Library (a postage stamp room full of books and computers) and got a card to use the system. Turns out, if you have a library card from another county, you can get a local card by just filling out a form and showing some ID. Smooth! Of course, they don't have a massive selection the pickings are slim.

I had a poltergeist experience while there. Two books came off the shelves that were near me, but not that near. The librarian looked puzzled when she saw the books drop from the shelving.

Visited the ReflectiveHappines site (suggested by G). I took two tests that they offer--a happiness test and a depression test. I came away unhappy and depressed. I took the tests (40+ questions total) and they didn't get scored. Bummer!

The questions were interesting--sort of a scale of five type ranking of some aspect of the past week. Looking at the questions, it's obvious that if I pick all level 5 answers on the happiness test, then I'm a happy person, QED. Also if I pick all level 1 answers on the depression test, then I'm not depressed. Good lesson for me in answering the questions--my responses were near the mid-range in both tests (perhaps a little below mid-range on depression). So I'm not exuberantly enthusiastic or totally paralyzed. That information is disappointing, but good to know. I need to push myself further into the happiness sector and minimize the depressive thoughts and actions. (So what's new? Me knowing where I sit.)

Got out and somewhat about today. Laundry (which I forgot to pick up), walk (short one), shopping, practices (Qigong, yoga, cardio, reflection, talk to body--didn't do enough today--let things slide), ate, rested, library, and such.

Winding down (up, sideways) the 4-week intensive sessions. Four weeks ago, I wouldn't have given odds on me still being here and still doing treatments. My prior back then was bleak. Dark thoughts crowding themselves into my little mind. Now that I've made it this far, I can envision making it all the way--to full recovery--to feeling like a "normal person."

I get glimpses and peeks of being in that blessed state. I also encounter the frailty I am carrying still--I'm stronger every day, but I'm still in the starting blocks--I'm not yet fully restarted and in the race.

There are moments where my brain feels like it's about to explode or overheat. There are also moments when I'm clear and steady. And, I can't always predict when it will be which way. But, I'm learning and beginning to notice the difference.

Double sessions tomorrow. The sessions have been, for the most part, fun. They've been challenging, they've stretched me, and they have been of great value. Onward to more of them I go! (After I pick up my laundry in the early morning.)

5948

Dreamed | I was in a school | with teenagers | who were creative and talented | especially one young woman. | She was exceptionally talented and could sing, dance, act, and play a range of musical instruments. | I found that I was bringing her up to some of the other teachers | trying to get her selected for various roles. | She had a great personality and had a lot of energy. |

Good session today with Janice. She pronounced me to be recovered! She said that I looked healthy, moved in a healthy manner, was clearly not exhibiting a lot of the symptoms like I was several weeks ago. I look in the mirror and I concur. The image of the person in the mirror looks whole and healthy. On this side of the mirror, I'm still wrestling with everything. But, I am getting better, even on this side of the mirror.

She worked a lot today with the source of my tremor. We journeyed through my brain looking for things that were not quite right. There was a spot on the back right side of my right hemisphere from where I'd hit my head on a brick falling out of a tree. We expanded it until I couldn't make it any bigger, and then reduced it back to normal all patched up and whole.

We spent a lot of time in my brain today! Another journey let me view the substantia nigra. The right side showed up with only a few dopamine sites on it. I made that area completely empty so that it was clean and white looking. I then enlarged it and had it fill up the space in the brain where it resided. I then returned it to normal and it came back with a dense covering of dopamine sites. It and the left side looked balanced.

Went deep into the brain looking for the source of the energy bursts that were triggering the tremors. Found a spot deep in the brain, directly behind the base of the nose. It was a small space with a flashing light source that looked like a cauliflower bud (tiny one). There was a membrane in front of the light source with two holes as if there was a plug that could be inserted into them. I went to the side so I could see the lighted area clearly. I expanded the light source until it filled the space in that area. This time, I left the light source big enough to fill the space, changed the intensity of the light emissions, and changed the color from a bright white to a cool blue. These changes helped moderate the tremors.

I then looked around and found a plug that looked like it would fit into the two holes. I plugged it in and the tremors stopped. I unplugged it and they resumed. I plugged it back in and they stopped. With Janice's prompting, I explored where else the plug was attached--it was connected to my heart. There was a set of channels leading from the pulsating light source in the brain to the heart area, and back to the light source. When the plug was disconnected, the tremor was present and the heart was not getting energy. When connected, the tremor would stop and the heart was back in the loop. Hmmmm!

Janice said that I may have to reinsert the plug many times before it becomes my natural state. That it will fall out and so forth, but I can just put it back and tell my body/mind/heart that this is what I want for my natural state.

She, like many others, commented on how healthy I looked. I still don't feel like I'm in the state that other people are seeing, but I'm getting there.

She also said that I could be doing it all myself given what she sees. But, they are there to support me as needed. If I choose to continue sessions on a reduced schedule, they are there for me. She also talked about where I'm going to live--the prospect of moving back over the hill seems doable now. It will put me closer to my regular resources (chiro, therapist, yoga, dancing, food selection, etc.).

Have told M&E that I'll be finding a place by March. So, it's just a question of where. I can easily drive back over for even weekly treatments. If it's Wednesday, I'll be in Santa Cruz! Or some such mantra.

All in all, a good day and a good session! Got a thorough brain tuneup and alignment. Along with a lot of new data and insights.

Did a core dump for G today. Was good to talk with her about the process. Made it to the chiropractor today as well--still coaching him on doing subtle adjustments.

5949

Went to bed late, but slept well. Tremor was quiet, like it has been several times after working with Chris. Had a sleepy day--got up later than normal and did some of the practices, but fell asleep after breakfast. Taking a nap during the day has usually not happened. I've rested, but never slept. First time for everything. Went out after lunch and walked 2.5 miles again today, then came back and rested. Feeling OK, just feeling like sleeping. I consider that a good sign--the healing power of sleep.

Part of my walk was in the redwoods. Like walking in a cathedral. A bit cool and damp, but powerful. I prayed as I walked. Each time I walked into a sunlit area, it felt like I was entering an energy zone, filled with light and grace. I visualized myself as being in full health as I walked into those zones.

Tomorrow may be a bit like a fire drill. Everyone has to be somewhere in the morning. So, E will have to drop me off and go to his meeting and come back for me. It'll be early in the morning so we'll have to leave when we normally awaken and may hit some traffic. Life in the life lane!

Feeling wound up today. Like a clock. I'm feeling anxious. About what? Nothing precise comes to mind. Most likely some anxiety over ending these four weeks and feeling like I don't know what's next, even though I do know. More of the same, but with less support and more personal responsibility. A state of being that I've been avoiding. I am I, Don Quixote! Windmills beware!

M will be leaving to go way north (Washington) in March. I guess E will be here alone, which he will enjoy--as long as he remembers to eat. He's blessed with something like zero appetite--he only eats when he's reminded to do so. He's rail thin and needs to maintain his weight, but being home alone won't make that easy.

Have to ring off early tonight and get things together for tomorrow since we'll be up and out so early. Will be working with Janice tomorrow, then two more sessions on Friday and that will conclude this introductory set of treatments. I'm in a much different state of mind when contrasted with three or four weeks ago. I'm also in some of the same states of mind as back then (or from years past) and that causes me concern and stirs up the anxieties.

Trust, trust, trust! And let go of all expectations! Let them be, let them be!

5950

Slept well last night. Got up a bit later than usual. Did Qigong and a set of other practices (before noon). Went for a longer than normal walk (about 2.5 miles) when I went past the gate to the preserve and walked in to the bridge where the trailheads converge. Felt good, until I headed down for a treatment. Treatment was scheduled for 4:15pm to 6:15pm. I was ready for a nap until we got going.

Chris also used some acupuncture needles in my hand. They didn't feel so invasive this time around and have further loosened my hand and fingers. Overall, it was a quiet session, but one that seemed to move energies around quite a lot.

At one point, I could feel the energy flow up my right side, cross over, and descend down my left side, foot to foot. And then, I could reverse that flow. It was smooth and without restriction. There was a lot less movements and twistings tonight versus what happened last Friday with Rebecca. It's really valuable to have multiple practitioners seeing me multiple times. The healing builds rather than stagnates or diminishes.

I talked with Chris about reducing the number of sessions for the next month. He said that the team thinks I'm progressing well and that it's up to me really. He said that I, like everyone, will have to do my practices daily for the rest of my life. When I choose to begin that regimen is clearly up to me. And, I have begun.

I'm feeling stronger and healthier with each passing day. I'm learning how to do the practices 24/7--there is no down time. Each moment of thought, of action, of rest has an overtone, a nuance that I have to maintain if I wish to be healthy. What I can't do is drop back onto my old patterns, my old ways.

So everything is new, a bit scary, not predictable, and getting lighter as I grow accustomed to the process. What I know is that I like what I'm experiencing, what I am discovering. Each new moment of me realizing what I (and all my helpers, guides, angels) am doing to foster this state of being, helps make the process smoother, more evident, more real. From the outside, it must look crazy. From being in it, it's starting to become normal and preferred.

Tonight I once again sit in joy and gratitude, in stillness and in peace of mind. What great gifts from the universe, from the higher power that ignites the heart and soul.

5951

Got to bed late last night. Was watching a DVD, The Big Kahuna. It was in the comedy section, but perhaps should have been in the "thoughtful" section. Kevin Spacy, Danny DeVito, and a young man/kid who provided the break in the "business as usual" scenario. Anyway, it wasn't all that funny, but it hit smack on with a lot of the issues I'm encountering.

Without going into movie review mode, I'll just say that although not a great movie it was appropriate for me. At the end, there's a voiceover reading a litany of things to do in life that are life-positive. Hmmm! Comedy section!

Did Qigong this morning, a round on the cardio-machine (up to 65 reps now), some yoga, talked to my body, went for a walk in the sunny morning (1.5 miles--legs felt good), came back and rested, then drove over the hill to Campbell to go to a movie--Good Night, Good Luck--with L. Movie was good and I'll not go into review mode on it either. Felt "heavy" once I got there; legs felt weighted and heavy. Had a delicious salmon scramble at Hobee's and drove back to M&E's. Felt good getting back "home."

Have spoken with M&E about my relocation plannings. They graciously offer me a place as long as I need one, and understand that I'll eventually need to be on my own.

I get a little shaky when I think about finding a new place and moving again--but I've got to do something--I can't hang out here with M&E forever--even though my being wouldn't complain too much or so it seems.

Looking forward to beginning week #4 treatments starting tomorrow with Chris. His session is set late in the day--4:15PM to 6:15PM. Wednesday session with Janice is early in the morning---9AM to 11AM. Everyday, in every way, something new, with which to play!

Noticed in movie today that tremor subsided some, especially when I was hooked into the movie, engaged in the action. It also returned at times, but overall was bearable most of the time. Couldn't help but think of how being engaged in the movie was a dopamine-producing activity. Hmmm! I could just watch movies for the rest of my life--probably not.

Also noticed the people who came to the movie using walkers and such. Quite a few! Reminded me of the poster person scenarios. Don't want to go there!

I believe that I want to put my arms, especially my right arm and shoulder, into new positions when I'm reclining or sitting. It's just a sensation of feeling like my arm/shoulder would be more comfortable if I were to put them in those locations. I do so and it does feel good. This started happening last night as I watched the Kahuna movie.

Feeling lots of new sensations all over my body. Also feeling a cramp in my upper back so it's time to save this posting and get horizontal. Good night and good luck!

5952

Here's the week #3 summary for my activities with the PDRecovery team for the past week. This information was also distributed to the F&F list in an email, in case you're getting both feeds... Was a good week overall... Making progress--changing paradigms.
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Week #3 took some interesting twists and turns (literally and figuratively) and introduced some new interventions (acupuncture) as part of the treatment sessions. I'm encountering, for me, many new parts and pieces of the illness puzzle. What happened a week ago (or even a day ago) seems like it happened a year ago. Time is being stretched and warped.

I'm continuing to drive--a decision that I made over a week ago when I was confronted with the question of whether I wanted to be the poster person for the illness. The shock I felt when I took in that question has galvanized me to get well, to recover, and to not let this illness dictate my conditions. Last Sunday, I drove back over the hill to Palo Alto. It was difficult, but I made it and have been mobile since--driving myself to sessions and around the area.

When I drove to Palo Alto last Sunday, I had a moment's experience that indicates where I am headed. I experienced a moment of feeling myself to be in perfect health. It was like a window opening and then closing, but in that moment it was open I knew what health felt like, for me.

To back up that experience, after Monday's session with Chris, I came away with an overall feeling of joy that opened up for me that afternoon and evening. My energy levels were high enough for me to get into a discussion with E regarding his computer systems and networks. I could follow the conversation, intersperse suggestions, and didn't experience the "brain burn" I would have felt a week earlier if we were to try and talk about those technical issues. Not unexpectedly, I let the energy wave keep me up too long and I had trouble sleeping that night.

There were many details of what Chris and I did during Monday's session. For more detail, please look at the blog (laranstar.blogspot.com), the 1/30 entry (#5957). Sorry to point you off to another document, but the amount of detail that took place would overwhelm this "short" summary note.

Tuesday came and went in soft haze. I rented the Waking Ned Devine (got the title correct finally) DVD and watched it. I was feeling energized, but somewhat foggy. I was feeling like doing something, but not sure just what. I did some exercise, some yoga, some prayer, some talking to my body, went for a walk, drove into town, and rested.

Wednesday had session with Janice. Imagine if you will, someone holding my foot/leg, expounding a dissertation on the Lord's Prayer, inserting two acupuncture needles in my left leg and right hand to test where the channels were flowing, having me twirl my feet (which I was able to do with minimal cogwheeling), walking and noticing my coordinated arm movements. I did a lot of work in the session. Got home tired as if I'd been doing physical labor.

Thursday went about like Tuesday without a movie. M had one of her babysitting charges here for part of the day. I was noticing how much an 18-month old uses her feet and how flexible they are--like hands in many ways. Unlike my feet that are tight and stiff (but getting better daily).

Friday I was back with the dynamic duo (Laura and Rebecca). Laura put 15 acupuncture needles in two injury points in my right hand. When all was said and done, I experienced some pain and release in my right hand. We did a lot of work and covered a lot of ground in her two hours. The session left me energized but ungrounded. I felt a lot of energy coursing through my system. By the time I got to Rebecca's, I was bouncing around, energetically.

Rebecca worked with me to integrate what Laura had initiated. Experienced a lot of spontaneous physical movements while working with Rebecca, a lot of release and energy activity. It was a powerful session that brought me to a balance point at the end of two hours.

Unfortunately, I disturbed my own balance later in the evening. I was reheating some food for dinner and failed to shut off one of the gas burners. M&E went dancing. I sat up for a few hours and then went to bed. M&E returned a few hours later to a kitchen area filled with gas. They had to open the doors and windows to air the place out. Thank the Father they caught it in time. It could have sparked an explosion and a fire--not a good thing.

Today was peaceful, quiet and still. I went to yoga class, which feels comfortable now that I've been there a few times. Looking forward to a good night's rest tonight. Picked up a couple more DVDs with comedy movies.

I began to wrestle this week with the issues of what's next. I'll be doing my last full week of sessions (4) next week and will then reduce the weekly treatments and take on more of the work and practice by myself. Then, again, do the same for the third month and go on a maintenance schedule with some member(s) of the team. But all of that points the way to having to make some decisions regarding where to rent a place, and so forth. At least, I don't seem to be getting anxious as I think of these options. That's the good news!

I believe that I am better for doing what I've done so far. I believe that I can fully recover from this illness and regain my original health (not just my relatively healthy self, but the full health that I've once known and have experienced), and will know how to maintain that state of being. So the 3rd week went well (although it was a little prickly). Looking forward to the 4th and beyond to going dancing once again, and again, and again!

5953

Dual treatment sessions today moved me from funkville (my basic state of being yesterday and this morning), to wild exuberance (especially after I had 15 acupuncture needles inserted into old scar tissue in my right hand), to calming stillness interspersed with supported free movements of my feet, leg, hands, arms (spasmodic release of energies and holding patterns while being supported by the practitioner--I know this description makes absolutely no sense--basically I flailed and moved around on the table based on what my body wanted to do--based on involuntary notions the limbs and muscles wanted to make).

The 2nd session integrated the work done in the 1st session, smoothed out the ruffled energies, and brought me into balance. Yeah!

So this concludes the 3rd week of sessions. Will write up a status message tomorrow and broadcast it to the F&F distribution list--and post it here as well.

I'm learning a lot about myself and about how to foster health in my body, mind and spirit. It requires that I be very watchful--of what I eat, think and create around me. I'm learning to pray and the power of prayer. I learning how my attitude affects what I experience. Today, Rebecca shared her White/Black hat metaphor--don't go through life wearing only black hats (judgments, anger, resentment, unreleased pain, being unforgiven, not forgiving, etc.). When I catch myself wearing a black hat, acknowledge what I've been doing and switch to a white hat (being supportive, not judging, being loving, being compassionate, etc.). Simple to say and perhaps not as easy to do in practice.

After talking with the two practitioners today, got the impression that doing another month with a reduced number of weekly sessions is the way to proceed. Eventually, I do it all myself, but before jumping in that canoe it seems appropriate to reduce sessions incrementally.

Of course, this opens the floor to the question of where do I plan to live once this current process is further along. Tonight, I feel like I'm ready to tackle that issue. I left the 2nd session experiencing joy--just as Rebecca and I made plans to end the session in that state. Hmmm! Guess it does work! Think it, say it, pray it, picture it and it will be! Oh, yeah!

5954

Dreamed | a few dreams last night | but they diffused in waking.

Slept fairly well last night. Yesterday's session took some energy, but didn't knock me out.

Today has been a lost day. Got up and out this morning to take my laundry in to be done. Toyed with the idea of getting breakfast out, but didn't. Came back and ate some cereal and then rested in the lounger and nearly nodded off. Got up and did a session on the cardio machine. Ate some more and started drinking one of the superfoods. In between, continued to pray and talk to my body.

Feet feel exceptionally sensitive today. In the afternoon, went for a walk--me and my feet. Certainly notice that we worked on them yesterday.

M babysat one of her charges today. This kid is really quiet. After a nap and a snack, she's getting a bit more verbal, but she's really not very noisy compared to others. M&E and heading north tonight so I'll be alone for the evening. Tomorrow I do a double treatment session--like last week. Looking forward to the sessions.

Yesterday's coaching focused on what I need to do to maintain the process when I'm not seeing a practitioner. Based on today's results, I have much more to learn and master. Didn't manage to kickstart myself into continuing the process today. Have to make some plans as to how I'm going to transition from current setting into a more independent one. Ideally, would make this happen while I'm still seeing the team with some frequency. That was part of the overwhelm affecting me today--starting to look ahead and get clear about what I have to do, to get done. Makes me want to just lie down and zone out--which is part of what I did today.

In my room here at M&E's, my computer is set up in front of a large mirror. The mirror reflects my image back at me. I look up and see someone who looks healthy, looks awake, looks whole. On this side of the mirror, I experience myself as not what I see. Why? Why are the two images (and they are both images) not in agreement, at least experientially? What's preventing me from looking into the mirror and sensing what I see out here? Only me! Only myself keeping me from myself, from my natural self.
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M&E took off for the evening. I made a dinner of brown rice, steamed veges, a couple of hard boiled eggs. Was a substantial plate full of food. Ate and then ran down to get my laundry--he wasn't quite complete so I had to wait for 10 minutes. Road north was jammed with cars--must have been an accident along Highway 9.

Came back and unpacked the laundry, put on fresh sheets, and did the dishes. Karma yoga, lots of karma yoga!

Will do some yoga stretches in a bit. My middle back is complaining--need to listen to it.

I've been letting myself sink into a funk today. Did go for a walk earlier today, which broke the negative rhythms somewhat. M had asked if I was going for a walk and I said I was waiting for the sun--which suddenly showed itself a few minutes later. The day had been gray all morning and into the afternoon.

I keep noticing my little negative thoughts. How they pop up and out without me doing anything. They just bubble up even when I'm praying, talking to my body, imagining myself happy, and so forth. The negative thoughts are ready to jump in anytime there's a lull in the practices. Ready to fill the gaps with gummy goo! Have to learn to let them be and don't give them energy or validation in any way. Thank you, mind, for sharing and now back to my conversation with my big toe--oh, yeah! Yoga stretches time! (both meanings of this statement are correct)

5955

Slept last night. Perhaps not all that sound of a sleep, but a sleep none the less. Was able to lie flat on my back, for a change. I've been making these cushions with my pillows in order to get into a comfortable position.

Went to chiropractor this morning. He helped loosen some kinks I've developed in my lower back--nothing major, just some tensions and stiffness. Beautiful morning! Sunny day until this afternoon when the rain began to fall.

Worked with Janice today.

Imagine someone holding my foot/leg, giving a detailed dissertation on the Lord's Prayer, me breathing and moving energies around in my body, she inserting two acupuncture needles to check for an energy flow through those two points, and so on. In the end, I could freely and smoothly move my feet in circles without a lot of cogwheeling effects. Whatever works!

It keeps coming back to something really simple--my attitude. Be it joyful, open, focused, reverent then all the dark stuff is replaced with light and movement. Can it be that simple? Seems so! The trick, and there is one, is that it has to be that way 24/7. No breaks, no timeouts! No real alternative.

She coached me today in listening to my body, noting what is trying to avoid, and going there in extreme. If the foot wants to twist, let it--help it, accentuate it! Then let it return to where it wants to settle. Helps to see what it looks like if it were perfect--as a model. Was able to use my left foot after it had moved about and settled to help the right foot to know what it wanted to do. Whatever works!

So, feeling somewhat tired tonight--like I did a lot of physical work, which is not the case. But like in the War of Art, I seem to be making too many typos so time to stop. Adieu!