6231

Dancing and wrestling last night. There was an amateur WWF event in the rodeo grounds of the dance location. Place looked jammed with interested onlookers.

Dancing was good. Feeling better overall so evening went better as well. L stayed over and we talked for a long time. I had trouble falling asleep, but did so at some point.

Dreamed I was in a huge entertainment complex with movie screens, bowling alleys, food stands, and other distractions. I had bought a ticket to a particular movie (Hitchhiker's Guide??) and was having problems locating the correct screening room. I kept walking into projection rooms, taking a seat, and then noticing that it was not the correct movie.

One time, I entered a movie that was like a kid's Miro cartoon show. The place was filled with kids, except for this one obese man who had really hot, humid breath. I could feel him looking my way, taking a deep breath, and exhaling in my direction. The fetid cloud of his exhalation was tangible even from a great distance. The encounter made me recall the times when I was a kid and I'd get a knee bouncer next to me in the movies. These guys would sit next to us and start a subtle knee bounce that just touched out legs. These perverts got off on doing things like that.

We would get up and move most of the time. My childhood buddy and I would also play these guys sometime. Like we'd start talking with them and get them to buy us popcorn. When they brought the popcorn, we'd ask for a soda. When they left to get a soda, we'd get up and move. We'd then watch the dumb butts return, look around for us, and sit down with their load of drinks.

Anyway, I left the kid's movie and went looking for the correct theater. I asked for directions from a couple of people and one guy pointed back to the entrance. I had left by a side exit and was off somewhere in the bowels of the place. There were exhibits and shops. When I got the pointer to the entrance, I started back that way, having to navigate this immense staircase that I had climbed before to buy the ticket.

As I awoke, I recalled some of the dream fragments from previous night's dreaming that I had forgotten. The fragments had to do with being in a plane and having to make almost impossible landings. The pilot was obviously quite skilled, but his landing maneuvers were scary and risky.

Anyway, those dream fragments replayed somewhat as I awoke from last night's deep dreams.

L and I are invited to a friend's place for dinner. Will be good to get some solid food. Although I did have a major breakfast this morning. On my last round of antibiotics and will be happy to not have to take any more.

Looking for a new place has not been really promising. Less expensive places have dropped from the radar. Did see an ad for a place in Midtown, near to L. That will make a lot of sense as long as there's not an onerous lease issue. Will check it out. Time to jump in the shower and head off for dinner. Then back tonight for a good sleep and some reading.

Sticking with the what feels good strategy seems to be working. Will stay the course.

6232

Most likely I did dream last night, but if so they are gone. Have vague recollections of being in a dream state, but content has vaporized. Munro story about the wilderness may have preempted any dream messages.

Went to yoga this morning. Was restless last night. Had read myself into blurriness, but couldn't fall asleep. Morning seemed to come too quickly. Then had to get up and about. Lots of thoughts around the topic of what feels good to me. Yoga--yes. Need more of it. Dancing--yes, probably doing enough for now. Eating--I had a good lunch, Persian Platter.

Would like a sweet--will wait until I head to L's and we go to Starbucks.

Cleaned the place up a bit. Doesn't take that long--the place is so tiny. Looked in papers for rentals--there was a noticeable drop of lower-priced listings. I haven't checked craigslist today. In fact, this was the first time I started up the computer.

Lots of thoughts and worries around moving, getting a new place, etc. Will have to create an opportunity--see what emerges.

In yoga class, instructor read blurb from Castaneda about having death over your left shoulder. Of turning to that macabre companion to ask questions about choosing paths. Appropriate piece of writing for me right now. My companion has become more present, more noticeable.

I am going to die, but I want it to be on my terms. I know that's silly, but I would like to be at peace with my life as it has been done before I go. Some people are content, they have done what they set out to do. I am not content; I have not done all that I would like to have done.

Tangles and tangled. The vines of uncertainty wrap themselves around me. I become paralyzed and fearful. Then it all unravels; it all becomes as L would say "moosh."

Time to pay and play. Don't have another day. If one comes my way, I will stay--I will stay.

6233

Dreamed last night that I was in a rural town. It was a place of open spaces, few houses, and acres of forests, fields and ranches. I spent some time looking for a place to rent in the dream (no doubt triggered by my late night surfing of the apartment listings). There was a place where people worked. I worked there and it was more of a modern office with lots of windows and skylights, computers and engineering stations.

At one point in the dream, I was supposed to go touring with one of my older sons and my daughter. I had agreed to go with them, but at the last moment I asked them to take me to the office. There was something I needed to do there, or something I needed to pick up. They did so and I told them I'd run in and be right back out.

Once inside, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to leave. There was some project that required attention. I also realized, after a long time passed, that my kids were already off on the tour. I also realized that I was in both places--with them on the tour and also there at work. I was moving in two parallel worlds and doing so without effort. I was in both places.

I recall being amazed at discovering that I had managed to split my being into two manifestations, and send them on their separate paths. I was pondering this state of things as I awoke.

The locale of the dream reminded me of some place that I've been. Not exactly the same, but similar. There was a peacefulness about the whole area. It was bucolic and heavily lush with grasses, trees, and wildflowers. Somewhat like the hill (mountain) in the Sound of Music.
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Went to the chiropractor for a re-exam and treatment. I'm better and have been given the go ahead to reduce my number of weekly visits. Have to maintain my current state of flexibility or it's back to three days. So, is good news. Lightens the load somewhat.

Also going to alter my times there--do early morning visits. Have to be out and about by 9AM now to meet the new schedule.

Came away feeling good about myself, about the progress I have made so far. Things are aligning.
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Spotty rains falling here and there. I finally settled on a place to eat lunch while there was a break in the clouds. Frittata made my day. Have all manner of odd things going on with my body. The antibiotics are starting mess with my GI tract. I'm still getting twinges in my teeth. I managed to bite my tongue somehow, somewhere. I don't recall doing it, but I have a puncture wound that looks like a nail was driven through the back left side of the appendage.

I'm feeling restless and disjointed. I keep having moments of exhilaration followed by troughs of dissatisfaction, unease. One part of me wants to just ignore all of the ugly stuff and act as if the world was one where I'd won the lottery. Another part is in retreat, is underground, is hidden.

About time to head for L's and some chai, perhaps. Time to stop and take a short rest, stop moving, and stop the chatter.
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Late evening now. Just got back from dance class and dinner with L. Been thinking about what makes me feel good. By contrast, what doesn't make me feel good. Not so much in specifics, but by focusing on what does.

Dancing, reading, sleeping, eating, and writing make me feel good. Lots of things do not, but I don't wish to dwell on them anymore. Yoga, exercise, walking, and feeling free to do what I want makes me feel good. Question becomes just how to do more of what feels good and thereby less of all that doesn't.

I feel that I've been spending a lot more time on negatives to the detriment of positives. Time to remedy that condition. How exactly is not clear. But importance of doing so is becoming painful to ignore.

That's all of the philosophical noodling for today. Time to hit two pleasure points--reading and sleeping.

6234

Dream last night was set in this sparse, arid landscape. The land was open, hilly, and with some flat desert expanses. I was part of a 4-man team. We were in competition (at war?) with other groups. Some of the activities were highly ritualized, but there were always opportunities to explore nuances and strategies.

We were good at the games (sports, battles, encounters) and used a kind of history viewer to give us templates of earlier encounters and outcomes. These templates showed what had been done before and how we had fared in the encounter.

As part of the games and in addition to the field operations there was a town on the other side of the hills in that area. The town was filled with combatants and had a lively carnival-like atmosphere. Teams of players caroused the city streets, overflowed into the cafes and bars, and took advantage of the town's many distractions.

We had made reservations at a popular eating place and were starting to gather there. Not all of us had arrived so we were waiting in the bar for the full contingent.

There was another part of the dream that involved posters and large sheets of paper. We had created a poster that looked somewhat like a movie advertisement, but that portrayed some of our actions in the games. We were using the posters as distractions and to lay traps for the other teams.

The dream was interesting in that everything looked fairly sterile and simple, yet the games were complex and intricate. The four men on my team were R, R, and R--four R's in all.
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Dream is trying to tell me -- that looks can be deceiving. What appears to be simple and straightforward can be highly complex and intricate. The 4-men teams represent the four aspects of a personality--mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. The teams represent wholes or completed entities. As a group, calling upon all four aspects of self, I (as a team of attributes) am really good at the strategic game-playing required to master things.

The sense of wholeness carries over into the town (the place where we interact with others). My ability to visualize concepts is prominent and highly regarded. The posters represent how I can portray ideas and concepts with great subtlety and meaning. The posters are a roadmap of what the team (I) is supposed to get done and to serve as a diversion/distraction for the other teams.

The posters carry encoded meaning that is only recognizable by my own team members. Other teams may try and decipher the meaning, but they will not be able to do so. It's because I carry the key to unlocking the meaning, which I've transmitted to my team members, but that no one else will successfully unravel. A very ego-centric dream to say the least.
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Dream time is ending. Getting close to the date(s) of when I need to be moved and transferred. L has some options that will help bridge the space, but I'll still need to have a place of my own. Her place can be a temporary roost, but I'll have to move on at some point. It's only a temporary solution while she travels.

Don't see any rain today, so far. Prediction was for showers. Showers on the flowers. Going to L's for lunch. Exactly what I imagined eating yesterday. Had my precog lunch yesterday; the real thing today. Big lottery jackpot tonight. May the spirits of the lottery cast their charms my way. It is time.
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Still a bit before lottery drawing time. Stomach now purging itself, probably over the antibiotics. If it's not one thing, it's another. Moving from one health-related station to another. Talked with chiro about cutting hours/visits. He wants to do an eval first. Fair enough, but I need to be cutting back. It's my 2nd biggest expense. Not counting the time and travel.

Had a delicious lunch at L's and we went over some of the items I need to know for her trip. It's going to make for a crazy month or so, but it's going to be that way, anyway.

When things stop for a moment, I keep getting story fragments and partial story elements. I catch myself looking at people today and recording their actions. Like the Asian man who reminded me of JON. He was clearly manic and buzzed out on coffee or something else. He was glugging his coffee and pulled a can of Bugler's out of his jacket pocket. The huge blue can seemed to float out of his pocket. He proceeded to roll a cigarette from the loose tobacco. He then mimed smoking it as he continued to glug his coffee.

There were also the two Japanese ladies with identical purses. Obviously, some kitsch item that they both had to have. Another Japanese couple with carefully color-coordinated outfits. Each one wore a collection of clothes that color-matched in numerous ways. His colors were grey and tan. Hers were black and royal blue.

There was a couple that we see often. He has a hunched back from something that looks like osteoporosis, possibly. They are both elderly and she has to care for him. She gets him seated, orders the drinks and pastries, brings everything to the table, and apportions out what is whose.

Then there are the school kids--glugging caffeine and sugar. Also a handful of young women, eating either late lunches or early dinner snacks, and working on their computers, books, and notes.

There's someone in the vicinity who's either pounding on drums or playing music loudly with the bass thumping away. I can feel the percussive throb in my solar plexus.

I need to go get something to eat--something solid and dense to counteract my stomach's distortions. Also need to get to sleep early tonight so I can get up and head for the chiro in the morrow morn. Wind is kicking up again, promising more rain. The bass is getting to be annoying. I'm not getting tolerant of noise and distractions; I'm starting to try and avoid it when I can. Huh? What am I writing about? Why am I writing it? Mysteries abound, but time does not.

6235

Spotty dreams last night. Up and down several times because of the medications. Have stopped taking the pain killers. With the inflammation down, the pain has subsided. Still a minor bit of soreness and some minor irritation still, but the pain has gone. Thank the stars and the drugs.

I slept most of the time since about 4pm yesterday. Feel like I'm slept out, but know I could do more if required. Have a hygiene appointment later today and dance class tonight. Will need to eat something of more substance than the kefir and supplements I consumed this morning.

The clock is ticking. Time is running down on me having to find a new place, secure it and get moved. This throat/teeth/gum inflammation was a total sidetrack. Another weekend lost in the mists of medical phenomena. Seems like I've been having my share of such activities over the past year (or at least the past 6 months).

Finished the Oates stories and started reading another Munro collection, Open Secrets. The first story in the collection was brilliant, but also so tightly wound around itself that I'm still somewhat unclear as to what happened and to whom. Despite my confusion, I get that it's a major piece of her writing. Seamlessly crafted so that past, present, future merges into a single flow.

Feeling suddenly like I'd like to crawl back under the covers. Two paragraphs and I'm looking for a place to rest. I'll break here for now...
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Had hygiene and dance class. Better on all counts except didn't get a pass at the dentist. Not brushing correctly/enough so build up is more than normal and I have pockets that are not maintaining. No reason for it. I have all the time in the world to brush my teeth correctly.

So more discipline my man. More attention to details. Good to feel my clean teeth. No reason not to keep them in perfect shape, given my issues with dental items.

Time to sign off and get some sleep (after I brush). Tomorrow brings forth a new realm, a new potential, and a new promise.

6236

Managed to get some sleep last night and today. Took three doses of the medications to stop the inflammation and the pain. Now, the pain is but a memory. Had lots of thoughts regarding what people do that have chronic pain. How they have to cope despite the numbing, persistent, relentless annoyance of the pain. Can see why assisted suicide can be considered a better alternative. At some point, the pain is pointless. There is a point, beyond which, there is no awareness of anything except the pain.

Anyway, I managed to get some drugs, stop the pain, and get some sleep. Ah, to knit up the ravelled sleeve of care.

L is looking good. Her getting a job has been a real boost for her. The beginning of the end for us most likely, but good for her.

Not noticing much of anything from the codeine that I'm taking. No vivid dreams, although I've only been able too sleep a short while over the past few days.

Relentless pursuit of the tides. Random thoughts of multiple realities. A dozen different dreams imagined in an instant. The nectar of grief mixed with the sweetness of knowing. A million galaxies that no longer pulse with life. I am the turtle; I am the walrus. Too many people adrift all over the planet. Voices that mix and sing together, but have no harmony and no intrinsic passion.

I need to eat. Yogurt and banana call me to the feeding trough. Delinquent deliveries. The tracks of time resplendent and shining with reflected lights. All too soon, the creatures dance and sing.
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It's now later in the evening. I've nodded off several times in succession. About to wrap myself in covers and fall back into the bed. Nice to be able to sleep and rest. Tomorrow calls, but it does not whistle. I await the new day without the old daze. Nothing coherent seems to want to emerge or manifest. Papal blessings to everyone, even those other churches. Adi-nacht.

6237

Struck down by the illness gods. Ear and teeth aching. Have gotten some antibiotics and pain remedies, but still experiencing pain and discomfort. Barely slept last night. Hope to make that up tonight.

6238

Ear aches! Have managed to get an ear inflammation somehow. Been consuming ibuprofin and it helps, but may have to go to the clinic if it doesn't subside. It should subside on its own since it arrived on its own. That's my theory, but the pain is persistent. Vitamin I seems to knock it back for a few hours, but then it reappears. Aging and aging; the bounty of ailments that seem to manifest.

Had a flying dream last night. Actually had a whole series of dreams, but the flying part is the only one that persists. I was with a group of younger people and we were near a ridge. While they went into a farm or cabin, I walked to the edge of the hill and let the steady winds lift me and carry me upward. There was a woman there as well (L??) who also began to fly and bank around the meadow. The winds were strong and somewhat tricky to navigate, but we were making swoops and turns at high speeds.

I think I awoke to go to the bathroom and the dreams fell back into the aching ear considerations. The flying dreams were great. They provide a great deal of energy that persists even when I awaken.

Dance last night was a bit draggy. L got her job and will soon be off into her world of microbiology and such. She and J are taking off for Europe and I will be looking for a new place. Keep thinking I should find a place that is truly within walking distance of downtown so I can just park my truck. So many thoughts; so many possibilities.

Rains fell last night. Sky is gray and stormy-looking now, but perhaps the rain has blown through. Have some minor errands to attend to today, and then a fairly free day until the dance tonight.

Two of the Oates stories about Warsaw and Budapest were dreary, long and difficult to stay with. I finally skipped through them both and went on to the next story in the book. They are both masterful pieces, with extraordinary detail and nuance, but dull and boring after her shorter, emotionally-packed pieces.

The great critic reads and writes in solitude, in the depth of his cave, which will soon have to be abandoned in lieu of a more functional abode. The ear ache subsides somewhat as I write. The tickle in my throat lessons and the dull throbbing begins to lessen.

P was wisecracking last night, but with some clarity. He remarked how in 10 years there would be many of the faces there who would go missing. The median age of the dance groups has certainly aged with the number of balding and graying heads getting higher.

We grow old, we grow old. Shall we wear the bottoms of our blue jeans rolled?

P was also lamenting how he was going to pass away and leave his wife with all the assets, all the money. He grows old, he grows old.

Half the day has slipped by, or at least the whole of the morning hours. Time to roust myself and move into the day, what's left of it. Putter and mutter, eat the sweet butter.
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Well most of the rest of the day (afternoon) was dedicated to ear therapies. Picked up a homeopathic remedy and have put some drops into my ears. Fell asleep for a bit with my head turned sideways to hold in the drops. Awoke with a stiff neck and still an ear that aches. Just took more Vitamin I since that does seem to knock the edge off of the pain. Also the homeopathic remedy can cause an initial flare up before it starts to work. Homeopathic--more of the same, supposedly.

Consumed a Super Rice Bowl (beef, pork, unagi, kimchi, veges, rice, sauces, bean sprouts) and a chai and pumpkin scone as my daily repast.

About time to get cleaned up and head to dancing. Feeling bummed about the bum ear. One more physical thing to deal with as I try and get organized and focused. One more distraction, delay, diversion. Horoscope mentioned learning from pain today. Oh, yeah! What am I learning here?

Onward and backward. To the ends of the known and unknown universe, waving the flag of aging, carrying the banner of the battered and bummed.

6239

Old/new dream last night. Old in that it dealt with trying to find old data files and computers with remnants of programs that I had created or used. New in that there was an application for those items that was being investigated.

It was like I was back in the middle of LF, working with a bunch of people on a rush project. There were data structures that were being proposed for a new toy that had been defined in some earlier projects.

I was wearing a special bracelet that I removed at one point and left it on a desk. Someone came up to me during the dream and returned the object. I realized I had forgotten to retrieve it when I'd left that desk.

The overall tone of the dream was one of cooperation and working together. There was no feeling of contention or competition.

Went to yoga this morning. The sense of wellness that surrounds that activity is a sign of where I need to be spending my time. Afterwards, had a great lunch (little Mexican place) and topped it with a chai.

Just deleted a couple of paragraphs and the recover post didn't. Not sure what I lost. Something about searching the apartment listings, seeing what is currently available. Waiting for something special, something that is clearly the way for me to go.

Heading to dance tonight. Same-o, same-o. Drifting through the cloudy ways, lost in shadows, dreary days.

Will wrap things here and grab a short nap before heading to danceland. Earth Day looming. What will the Earth provide on its special day. Rain and winds have subsided for now. The sun returns to shine some golden light on the rain-slick leaves. May the dreams tonight be filled with import and direction.

6240

Several dream sequences last night. One involved me following a silver-haired man who was riding in a light-colored luxury car. His clothes were color matched to the car. He gave off a sense of quiet opulence and wellbeing. I was going to follow him by riding on a sort of motorbike. It was not as powerful as a motorcycle, but could move along at a reasonable clip.

I traveled a road he had taken. I knew where he was headed and I just needed to follow him to that location, not beat him there. It wasn't a race, but there was a sense of urgency. I was careening along a highway and went off onto a secondary road. I could see the highway intersections and overpasses in the distance where I was supposed to go. The secondary road, however, became a gravel road and then a dirt road, and then a trail. It led me along a creek or small river up to the shores of a body of water that blocked the route.

I realized that I was going to have to turn around and backtrack to where I'd taken the secondary road. I looked at my fuel gauge, which showed I was very low on fuel. I wasn't sure where I'd seen the last service station and if I could make it back there before running out of fuel. This dream ended about here with me trying to determine what I needed to do.

A second and third dream involved me and some others in working on a project that used computers. We were in this classroom/laboratory and were collaborating on solving some puzzle or challenge regarding the processing of some data sets. There was a moment in the dream when one of the students/workers came in late and we had coopted his/her place on the bench. He/she was forced to take a place further down the table.

The third dream was erotic in nature. I can't recall the details, just the overall sense of the dream--warm, soft, sensuous and relaxed.

The first dream was the most vivid, the one that remains even though other dreams that came after it played to completion. The man's face and demeanor was striking and memorable. There was an obvious connection between him traveling in luxury to the same place I had to go while I took a less luxurious way and route to travel. Also how my choice led to roadblocks and sidetracks and possibly even stalls (running out of fuel). Is it telling me something about my upcoming move--that I should choose the more convenient, comfortable way and not try and make do? That where I wish to go requires some expenditures and investment, and that skimping will only sidetrack what I wish to do and where I wish to be.

The triple of dreams have their own message--convenience and comfort, diligent work unraveling some puzzles or ways of doing things, and an ending that is soft and warm, relaxed. A dream path through the maze of seeming choices.

Bright sunny day outside, but cool and cold here in the room. Heater humming away in the corner trying to fight off the vast clouds of cold air convecting through the windows. The heater will win in the short run; mother nature will prevail over time. I've got a tiny irritation in my ear/throat, like a low grade ear infection. I feel good this morning, awake and energized.

Read more of the Oates stories last night. Engaging scenarios that hint at death, craziness, mental instability, and hazes of subtle fears and phobias. Powerful, strange writings like cries from the soul.

I have time. I have plenty of time, but I need to continue my progress, my incremental efforts. The day begins with dreams. I must honor those visions and do the work required to make my dreams into realities. No matter what the cost. No matter what it takes.
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Back home late in the evening. Falafel for lunch. Really tasty. L joined me there and tasted the Turkish coffee. Thick or thin? Medium but still thick. So afternoon went the way of the walrus. Made it to the chiro and dance class. New fast dance to in the heat of the night. More and plenty.

Took a dose of vitamin I for the earache/sore throat that I am fending off. Will see how it works once I get to sleep assuming I can do so given the teas I've drunk today.

Well, I won't prolong this late night ramble. Soon into the bed and onto the field of dreams. Tomorrow starts the weekend--yoga, food, and dancing. No time is a good time, anytime it calls. Augmented carapace and blue suede shoes.

6241

Sitting in the midst of a man-made rainstorm. Sprinklers throwing water up into the air where it falls all over the place. Feel like I'm in a small trawler encountering the perfect storm. My limited view through the windows prevents me from seeing the next "wave" until it splashes across the glass and batters the awning. Such is the morning distractions here in the writing cave.

Dreams last night about some kind of class or seminar where people had to communicate in order to progress--to where or to what is now unclear. Seemed like much of the dream involved filling out cards (not unlike my writing book's scheme for getting started with story creation) and then sharing the content of the cards with others. Perhaps we even traded cards much like the card trading games that kids play. There were several people in the dream from the dance classes--JB in particular. He had constructed a triptych of three women where the faces had been cut from magazines and glued over the faces on three photographs. The faces were like Madonna, Julia Roberts, and one other woman. The photos were some kind of statement he was making about his card choices. Instead of writing anything, he had constructed the collages.

Seems like there was more to the dream or more dreams. I recall being heavily involved with the card creation and card sharing exercises. I can recall feeling like I was being tested and trying to do things correctly--being a smart rat.

Awoke somewhat early, but hunkered back down in the warm covers. Room grew cold in the early morning and was freezing by the time the sun rose. Hopefully, my next place will not be as cool/damp as this one. I had to turn on my small heater to warm the room and my hands as I began to write this posting.

Dance class last night was difficult for some reason. Felt like it was a chore. Most likely a result of learning so many dances. They mushed together and I could barely recall them this morning. I managed to remember Completely, completely. The other new one is only partially recalled.

So, into the day (sort of). It's already late morning and time to jump in the shower. (I could just run outside and gambol through the sprinklers, but it's not warm enough for such activities). I've been tracing the path of my brain supplements as they make their way across the country--NC to TN to IN to IL--not quite half way, but getting lots of mileage.

Still feeling somewhat unhinged--not fully able to focus--wanting to amble, ramble, rumble, wrinkle. Not sure what is happening. Energies bouncing and rebounding. Thoughts ranging over a horde of options--lottery, food, movies, supplements, writing, study, reading, dancing, mail, money, dreams, psyche, development, health, back pains, lipoma, circulation, dry skin, and on and on--thousands of tiny distractions and delusions, dilemmas and delays.

Read an Oates story last night--she can be eerie, strange, but compelling and moving. Finished up my periodicals--one more item to add to the list(s)--replenishing my stash of reading distractions.

And, oh yes! People! There are people I must contact. P, J, et al. The hermit has to leave the cave and make contact with the real world. And a new place to live. The search begins. It begins in earnest as I hit the end of April. May will bring the showers of new cave possibilities. Let it be, let it be.

Dancing last night to Humperdink. Nostalgia is taking over the choreographer's brainstems. Older is as older does. The flash of the past. The last days of disco. Demented diversions dwell deeply down the dripping drains. Alliterative D's wish to dominate my daily dalliance.

This is all well and good, but filled with nothing. Empty air. We are such stuff as dreams are made upon. Rounded with a sleep.

Enough meandering for this morning. Time to venture forth and grab some shine. I will return a later time.
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Many hours later. I leave around lunch time and hours have passed with nothing of substance to show for the passing. No one's fault but my own. I did stop and read, including a "how to" essay on SciFi writing. But as I say, nothing of substance.

Read another Oates story. Rich writing. She is a master. I perused a lot of advertisements for apartments. Depressing activity but one that has to be pursued. Moving time will come round in no time at all.

I've felt logy and heavy all day. Eating a spicy Indian lunch and topping it off with a chai didn't seem to help. It's now about 9PM and I'm just beginning to feel like I'm starting to awaken. Still, however, don't feel like writing anything that requires focus. This journal doesn't require focus. In fact, it is the opposite of focus. It is monophonic blather, continuous and uninterrupted. Words upon words without any real shape of form.

I continue to feel like I'm on the cusp of something, some adventure, decision or event. Yes, I did buy my lottery ticket. That fate is already determined by now. Now that would be a precog vision worthy of actualization. So be it!

Days skip by, days upon days. The inevitable march of time and the eventual halting motions that must occur. How to measure out those final moments? What to do with a limited number of days? A profound silence engulfs me. Binds me within its rigid grasp and shakes me with a quaking thunderous sound. Wake up! Wake up! Rise up and reach, for once, beyond the self into the steely void, the masked fog of possibilities. Will it come to me? Will thou come?

Kirtans echo in my thoughts, in my body. Will thou come? To me? I reach out with hesitant hands, with grasping fingers. I reach out and try and grab hold of the dreams that hover and swirl around my consciousness, in and out of my sleep states. There is an answer. There is a sign and I will know it when it appears and calls to me.

In the silence, in the quiet dreams, I will encounter the core of potential and the flash of lasting illumination.

6242

Didn't get to sleep until sometime around 2AM this morning. I read for about an hour after I stopped flailing with the computer and AOL. I don't have enough memory for AOL 9.0 that I installed. Looks like I'm operating on the edge with the new system. So either need a memory upgrade or new system--yuck!

Dream last night that involved a house or group of houses. There was a problem with the roof and water was pouring into a small storage room and running from there to all parts of the house. I climbed a steep stone wall that led from the house to another house up the hill. I walked the top of the wall, which was rough and uneven, until I reached the upper house. The landlady or owner of the cluster of homes lived there. I told her about the problem and she indicated that something would be done. She was not convincing. She was vague regarding details and exact times for the repairs.

There were other dream fragments that revolved around the homes and the people that lived in them. But, in my rush to the relief station, those dream elements disappeared. I say disappeared, but in reality they cling to my consciousness like a hint of fragrance. Eventually, they vaporize, but it takes a while once I've awakened.

Worked some yesterday on cards. Filled out the 25 that deal with feelings and emotions. Skipped the movement class this morning so I could at least start this journal. Going to be a day on the move--write a bit, clean up, lunch, back to L's, back to chiro, back home, dance class, then back to this journal.

In addition, need to check in on craigslist and monitor any new places that get listed. The days are starting to count themselves down now. A few weeks, a month, and the scene will change. I will be in a new place with new patterns and possibilities.

Finished reading the SciFi story of a clone who is forced to hunt down his "brother." Good story and well executed. Also a bit of a precog for me--clones had my name just like the doppleganger I discovered living near me, who has my same name, initials and birth date. Round and round I go and where I clone, nobody knows.

Time flies and so must I. More, later.
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Good lunch with M&E. Made me late getting back so ended up going directly to chiro. Story idea while waiting for chiro office to open: boy running from door of funeral home; as if a soul had been released. The image evokes a number of possible story lines. I now catch myself looking at people and things from a new viewpoint. I believe it is from the perspective of seeing how actions and events can become part of a story.

Dance class tonight was arduous. Learned a couple of new dances. Also saw invite to E&D's reception. Going to be a blast.

Feeling somewhat unhinged today. Felt free floating and not too frenzied. Finally a breathing spell. M's granddaughter was delightful. Friendly and playful. Like a kid should be.

Don't have much more to write tonight. Still a little buzzy from the chai I had and my back continues to spasm--lying down helps that issue.

Tomorrow, hope to make some progress on the writing exercises. Move things forward; keep it rolling along. So, adios for the evening. May my dreams be revelatory and bright.

6243

Vote the Pope! Sea of red on the newsfeeds. I'm moving slowly this morning. Slept restlessly last night. Late night dinner didn't help along with the cool (cold) weather and dampness. With the awning open, my room is darker, more like a cave inside a greenhouse now. But this too shall pass and do so soon.

Remember two pieces of dreams from last night. One involved my sister, the one back east. She was driving a fairly new car and we encountered some heavy rains. The vehicle kept hydroplaning. When she negotiated each curve in the road, the car would set up and start sliding. Finally, she made a sharp turn and the car flipped onto its side and began sliding across lawns and down the street. Miraculously, it slid along for several blocks, but didn't hit anything of substance. Took out some shurbs and flower beds, but missed trees, other cars, houses, and so on. Eventually, the car righted itself and appeared to be unscathed. No one was hurt and there was no substantive damage to property.

A second dream involved a woman who was involved with three men. She seemed to be partly in the custody of the men, but also part of their group. They were planning some nefarious activity and were shouting at each other over how it was to proceed. The seeming leader of the group left the room. The two men started ordering the woman around, badgering her, and calling her names. At some point, she had had enough and lashed back at them. She caught them off guard with the intensity of her attack and she managed to overpower both of them, sending them sprawling across their piles of supplies. About then, the leader returned. He was a Danny Devito type, small and aggressive. He picked up a gun and pointed it at the woman. He yelled at her and threatened to shoot her if she didn't quiet down.

The woman didn't blink an eye. She got up from the tangle of boxes and supplies and walked up the leader until the gun was pointing directly at her stomach. She yelled at him to go ahead and shoot. She yelled that she didn't give a crap about their plans, the gun, or anything. She said she'd rather be dead than have to put up with any more of their crap and bullshit.

The leader was clearly taken back by her intensity and abandon. He lowered the gun and tried to grab back some semblance of leadership. He acted as if it were all a joke, but told the other two men to clean up the place.

Dreams were vivid and detailed. There were other fragments, but they did not surface with these two remnants.

Had a late dinner last night. Waited too long to eat and the cold weather seemed to penetrate to my bones. I was shaking like a leaf until I got some food in my system and activated my internal heaters. Meal was so-so, but satisfying--meatloaf, roll, potatoes, veges--but no banana cream pie--they were out of it. Probably just as well. A piece of pie in addition to the other food would probably really triggered some strange dream states.

Today is the day of me officially starting my writing regimen. Blogging is part of it, but also working with the book on writing short stories. Had my kefir and purple juices this morning so I am antioxidized and ready for the day. Later some real food, a shave and shower, visit to the chiro, peruse criagslist for possible new places, read some, and... more--always more.
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Way late in the day now. Lost several hours debugging new AOL 9.0 glitches. Still may have some, but giving up for what's left of the night. Computers! Love and hate 'em.

6244

Lost last night's dreams and dream states. Got to bed late after returning from dancing. Awoke fairly early, but faked myself out in the dream department. Thought I had remembered enough to sit down and write about it now. But, puff, the dreams are gone. Back into the collective (or selective) unconscious.

Without a dream, I have no focus. Not really true, but it sounds plausible. Maybe.

Dance last night was packed. Over 81 dancers stumbling around the floor. It was a good solid night of movement and challenge. The challenge was to recall some of the older dances.

L and I went to the movies in the afternoon. We saw Sideways. Good film. Lots of human nature in it. Clever script that kept looking/sounding like it was going to be redemptive, but never was. Protagonists, for the most part, were venal and flawed, just like real people. I kept hoping that they would somehow rise above it all, but they seldom did so. They each had moments of grace and courage, and then they were back in the muck, wallowing and squirming, trying to not tell the whole truth about themselves. Lots of tensions in the film, each pulling the narrative and expectations--well, sideways.

Also keep thinking of another context for sideways--as in up your's, sideways. Somehow that phrase kept emerging from the action.

Mentioned to L the previous day's online search that produced my "double" in a nearby town. I noted the possibility of a parallel world and L noted that I couldn't go meet my double without distorting the time/space fabric. Good story idea in that thought.

Lots of new people (new faces) at the dance last night. Where did they come from? Someone's classes no doubt, but to clear from which ones.

I'm muddling around this morning. Managed to go out and get a pastry and coffee. I'm craving a rich, hot meal. One with potatoes, gravy, meatloaf and such. Something to nail me to the ground. Can't recall the last time I had a real meal--one with several side dishes, etc. I'll put it on this week's agenda.

Have not moved forward with the writing book/program. Only said I'd work on writing for 2 hours today. So will do that, at a minimum, and get on with it.

About time for a "list"--to cover house hunting, writing scheduling, yoga and health issues, et cetera, et cetera. The drift goes on. Stretch and bend, until the end.

Fanciful dimensions unfold. The migratory images and the vectoring of thoughts push forward the agendas of the moment. But the fatal time keeps counting, continues marking the passing of the days. Final days. Am not reading my way through those tales as quickly as some that went before. Short stories--the hope of my final times. Reach and imagine; stretch and grow. There are no other choices; there are no additional dreams. The pantry is empty; the wolf has come and gone.

Synchronous. Words and images devour the moments. Clocks tick and lose track of the passing lives. People come and people go; where they finish no one knows. Doggeral. Reminders of the grave--grave thoughts, thoughts of the grave, the killing fields.

I keep imagining that there is a reason for what is happening, for all that's happened. There, of course, is none, but I keep trying to assemble what looks like a puzzle, but is really only random, forgotten fragments, disjointed and unrelated.

My sisters and I have come close to greatness, each in our own way. We are like minor characters in a flawed story, one filled with promise that never resolves, never completes. We have been in the vicinity of possibility; we have each seen a glimmer of satisfactory conclusion. We are relegated to footnotes, left in the dust of history.

Why am I writing what I'm writing? It is like a clearing, a purging, and emptying that makes me feel somehow more whole and more complete. I look back over the battlefield of my life and only notice faint glimmers of fires, hazy clouds of fading smoke. Does that imply that things are getting clearer? In the normal world that would be the case. In my world, the opposite prevails. When clearing occurs, dense darkness envelopes the scene and masks out the light.

The landlords are puttering in the garden. Performing and ancient spring ritual that they have pursued for scores of years. They plant and dig, cut and water with the hope that the earth, even bound in by fences, rocks and shrubs, will grace the air with flowers and explode in colors all along the paths.

My aching back is telling me it is time to quit this preoccupation and move my clumsy body into the sun. It is now about midday and the sun rides high in the heavens. Time to follow the sun.

6245

Dreams last night were cartoon-like. Everything was viewed from a weird perspective with buildings and people sketched in like on cartoon panels. There was a scene where we were waiting for a particular bus. And another scene inside an apartment. The scene in the apartment had sexual overtones.

Got to sleep late last night. The chai in the afternoon had enough caffeine to last through dancing and into the early hours of the new day. Dancing also relaxed me so I was more awake. I spent some time poking around on zabasearch. Did some people finder stuff for the three people who live at the Oakland address where there's a person with my exact name and same birth year.

Earlier in the evening, L and I had been talking about the ways in which the IRS might just eliminate tax returns. I was proposing the flat tax with value added kickers or some such thing.

Later as I was poking around on zabasearch, I found a link to my sister's name/location. When I did a Google search on her name, I popped up several links too talks she once gave regarding the IRS's proposed Golden Eagle tax processing scheme--that would eliminate tax returns, and quite a few civil liberties. Coincidence or more precog stuff? I wonder.

Also it was cool that I found my sister's address and info. We have not been in touch for years. She's 63 now. So I'll write her a note and say hello. Zabasearch did its job. I could write a testimony--using ZS I found my long lost sister. Humphh!

Started perusing craigslist for what's available on the apartment scene. I think there's going to be a flood of places soon as Stanford winds down. Just have to hold and wait. A temp sublet is also possible. Just have to remain flexible and open.

Having person with my name living nearby, and given that he has the same birth date, makes room for a possible parallel world story. Might I be living in two places? Hmmmm!

Beautiful day today. I've not left my cave, but will do so soon. L and I talked about hitting the movies. Sideways is playing this afternoon. Then maybe dancing again tonight or some other adventure. Saturn's day. Time to play/

6246

Taxing day. Glad I already had mine done. Got early and dropped off laundry, checked mail and then went to yoga class. Yoga was refreshing. It also left me a bit spacy although not eating anything until about 1:30pm also helped keep me fuzzy as well.

Last month's rent is due today. When I hand it over, I'll have to let the landlords know that I'm out of here in another month to six weeks, their option.

Started preliminary browsing for a new place. Prices are two-tiered--below $1000 and well above that figure. I'll need to stay in the lower bracket and also stay well below if possible. Something in the $600 to $750 range will have to be it. May affect where I choose to live.

Several forces coming together around issues of housing, money, writing, health, etc.

Did dream last night, but it's really hazy now around the details. Seems like it had to do with children in some way. I was helping kids figure out some puzzles and such. But there are no clear memories at this time.

Will go dancing tonight and loose some of this funky feeling. L must be still dealing with her taxes or she's asleep. She was going to work last night, after dance class, on completing everything. Hope she got it done.

Been catching myself "thinking" like a writer some today. Turning everything into a story. Seeing story possibilities in the things happening around me. Like the two guys sitting down to lunch and reading "bad news" stories to each other. Flashed on a story that would have two such characters and some oddball result caused by their attention to the dark news.

A "So-Hum" story that involves the meditative breathing practice we did in yoga class. A story that includes some twist around the salutation people give when the weekend is near--have a good weekend. Almost like wishing something good for themselves in saying it to another person.

And of course, the writer sitting in the lush garden calling forth the devas.

Even apartment hunting has story possibilities.

I was going to go sit in a cafe and work on the next card exercises in the book. When I drove downtown, I was put off by the hoard of people and cars on the streets even though it was near 2pm. I drove aimlessly about for awhile, then settled for my favorite frittata place and went there. Was a bit crowded but not like the downtown area.

Landlady has returned. Time to deal with the realities of life. I don't look forward to finding another place and moving, but my need for a kitchen is paramount right now. G was asking if there's an alternative, but not one that works where I am now. Have to move.
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Back from dancing so guess I've been moving. L was a bit tired after her two late nights dealing with computers and taxes. Talked with landlady and am good here for either a month or 6 weeks, whichever. Gives me some wiggle room in case I have to wait. Also can possibly take advantage of L's place being empty for 7 to 10 days as well.

Changes, changes, changes. All in the space of a lifetime. Tried zabasearch today. Scary system. Who is the person with my name and birthdate in Oakland with three phone numbers. Guess I could do a reverse lookup, which I think I'll do. Hmmmm! Wonder who/what he is. Mystery.

6247

Invigorating morning. About 40 degrees outdoors this morning with a rising sun that may chase the chill away. Good to see the people of Team Mettle last night. R and I walked over to his place, which is really nicely appointed. Then we walked back to my place, which is not nicely appointed. When R left, he took a header down the garden stairs. It was really dark outside and there were no ambient lights. He tripped at the top and sailed off into the darkness. Glad that he didn't seem to be hurt.

I spent some time last night putting up the TeamMettle blog. Sent the invites out this morning to the other team members. Will be interesting to see how that works out.

Dreams last night--three parts again. First dream had me up on the top of a ladder. Not sure why I was up there, but I had gotten myself into a position where I was standing on the very top of a ladder and couldn't easily get myself back down. I knew if I wasn't careful that the ladder might tip. Somehow, I managed to get down. There was someone else in the nearby rooms, but I didn't ask them for help.

The second part involved me preparing some trays of appetizers. There were several people milling around and making wiseacre suggestions, but I was the one who seemed to be charged with assembling the trays. There was a young woman sitting across from where I was working. She and another woman pointed out a mark on the edge of the tray. The mark was supposed to mean something about where the tray was supposed to go, but they were telling me to forget it.

In the third part of the dream, the trays had been assembled and delivered. The young woman and I went for a walk. At one point, I had to go to the toilet. She came in with me and we both managed to use the one commode somehow. It was awkward and messy, but we managed.

About then, I awoke to the sound of the house heating system turning on. It was blowing cool air and ran for a while and then shut off--no heat involved--just noise and drafty air.

I got up and went to the real toilet, cranked up my mini-heater, and went online to send off the TeamMettle bog invitations.

I noticed last night that the Recover Post feature has reappeared on the Edit/Post screen. It appears to be working this time around and not producing all sorts of crazy results. I set up the TeamMettle blog and even dared to click the Recover link to see what it did. It worked as previously advertised.

Have downed my supplement-laced kefir/juice concoction for my pre-breakfast regimen. Still early (for me) and I'm feeling hungry. May pop out for a bite of something less liquid. Perhaps a pastry--it's been a while since I've indulged in the morning--maybe even an order of french toast. Mm!

It's also R-day (for rent). Starts off a new cycle, a new spin, oh what a lovely mood I'm in.
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Started reading a WAD book about how to write short stories. It's a step-by-step way of proceeding, which I desperately need. It's quite formulaic, but so is life, I think. Actually, I really don't know what I think and therein lies the rub. I see myself taking the next 6-7 months and grounding myself in what I need to understand in order to produce work on a regular basis.

The book assumes that I will be keeping two notebooks--a journal not unlike this blog and a second that captures research results, etc. (somewhat like my New Ideas document that I started). I think I can use the computer for both of these notebooks even though the author suggests keeping a tactile version.

My issue is that my handwriting has become so illegible that I'm not sure putting on paper makes sense. Better that I be able to read it instead of having to decipher, I believe. I'll start in this way and see where it takes me. If I find I need too use real notebooks, I'll do so. It's all a learning exercise right now.

Had a delicious falafel pita bread sandwich for lunch. Good mix with last night's dinner (rasta pea cookup and, yes, bread pudding).

The writing book starts off with some tasks using index cards. I did get some cards and won't start off trying to do them on the computer. There's several reasons he suggested getting the cards and I'll go with him on this since it will involve only limited writing by hand.

Gorgeous day today. But I have other things to focus on. More later--after I kick off the writing exercises.
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Started the writing exercises--the 10 cards with something I feel strongly about on each card. I need to review them and there was nothing that was really surprising. They are 10 themes that seem to permeate my years so far. Need to assess if they're worth continuing/keeping in front of my face.

Got one team member on board the team blog, and a second coming. Hope to get all there. It makes a lot of sense.

Went to chiro this afternoon. He asked me if I could spell my name backwards. I surprised myself by being able to pronounce both my first and last names in reverse. It came to mind instantly. Amazing. No cognitive dissonance with that bit of data.

Have to let my current landlords know that I'll be moving on in a month or so. Sad, but no way to make this place work out.

Dance class tonight. It was a bit draggy. But was exposed to two more new dances--Que Sera waltz (easy) and one that goes with a Shania Twaine piece of music (easy intermediate).

Back is still acting up. Was good most of the day, but started aching later on. It too shall pass.

Ach! Need to wrap this up and head for the bed. Getting close to midnight already. Dream time.

6248

Lazy day so far. Been dawdling as I move around this morning. Dreams last night were misty and vague. Don't recall much about them except that they were dark and shadowy, not bright and clear. I sat up suddenly at one point in the early morning. I imagined that I'd heard a car crashing on the street. I sat bolt upright and was wide awake. Then drifted back into the shadow world and the warmth of the bed.

It got cool again last night. Team meeting tonight. It's been a long time.

I believe I've made an inner decision to start looking for another place. Where is on the table. I may expand outside the PA area just to see what's available. There's a premium for living in this part of the Bay Area--so may as well look around some.

But the only way this is going to work is for me to make solid plans for writing. I can't spend another six months monkeying around with numerous distractions and not put my attention on why I'm doing what I'm doing. As G said yesterday, go where the passion leads me. Right now it's leading me to jump in a warm shower. More later.
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SS check came. Yeah! I requested auto-deposit yesterday so I don't have to think about it anymore. It'll just magically appear.

Team meet tonight in just a little while. Looks like almost a full house or a full one if RS talked to MD. Will be good to see everyone after so long a time. I'll walk to where we're meeting. Will be good for the digestion.

Spent some cycles today looking through craig's list. Have to start the apt hunting or whatever is going to take shape in that domain. Looking forward to it (not the moving, etc.).

H is outside patrolling the yard and garden. It's such a lush place that it no doubt requires attention even though he has gardeners on task. H is hunting dandelions. Using one of those wedge tools to wrench the plants from their purchase in the lawn.

I'm feeling relaxed today even though my back is still in spasm. Was able to relax everything some throughout the day.

Well about time to leave for dinner and the meeting. Will perhaps return for a night cap posting later tonight.
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Good dinner; good meeting. Was good to see nearly everyone again. Great place to eat as well. We agreed to keep meeting on the 2nd Wed of each month. RM and I are co-leading the group. RS is stepping down. New beginnings.

Walk downtown helped my back some, but the chair in the cafe didn't help at all. Moving from one infirmity to the next. Like a chain reaction, one thing triggering the other.

But committed to writing a collection of short stories over the next 6-7 months. Plan to take it where it goes. Going to set up a blog for the team so we can let each other know what we're up to without using email, etc. Blog the blog out of everything.

Will do that now--make a start and see where it leads.

6249

Quick post tonight. Been a long day (class, therapist, L for lunch, chiro, and dance among other things). My right side in the back is in spasm. Can't seem to quiet it down.

Did dream last night--another triplet. This one was more like a puzzle. There were three event diagrams that were each somewhat complex and that were related to each other. It was like a relational database diagram with sections of one diagram connecting to other parts of itself and the others as well. The dream was cool, analytical. I was attempting to help decipher what was being implied by each diagram, and how they were related to each other and affected each other.

The dream seemed abstract, almost as if it were taking place in another realm--one of logic, math, and reasoning.

Anyway, it was again three parts, three diagrams. More tonight perhaps. Must get horizontal.

Some progress today on the next step front. Traveling is not looking like the optimal thing to do. It's the most adventurous, but not very practical. Open to a miracle though, an open door, or a magical diversion. What will be, will be.

6250

Up early today. Awoke feeling energized and clear. Another set of three dreams last night or one dream with three segments. In the first part of the dream, I was in a small town. I was going to the local store to hang out. I don't think I was intending to buy anything. Before I left for the store, I was given a pair of specially designed sunglasses. They were yellow with frosted lenses. When I put them on, my vision became crystal clear with everything in sharp focus. I went into town wearing the glasses. The glasses were in some way related to police work or surveillance activities.

In town, there was a store where clothing was sold. I went there and picked out a yellow jumpsuit outfit. The attire was really loud and colorful with abstract designs over most of the surface. I bought the outfit and wore it to some event where there was dancing. At one point, someone pointed out that the outfit still carried a sticker that had not been removed. I pulled the sticker loose and threw it away.

At some point in the dancing, I decided that I was going to go back to the store and either trade in the jumpsuit or return it. I wanted a different outfit. I had seen or was thinking about an outfit that was like a wet suit with a pullover top. It was in blues and black.

When I got to the store, I discovered that they were rearranging the men's clothing area. They were moving it to another part of the store. This activity was similar to a dream scene that I'd had before. I noted in the current dream that this had happened in another dream. In any event, the store people, and the man who had given me the sunglasses, were busy carrying racks of clothing to another area within the store. About this point, I awoke. I got up and did my arm lifts, mixed up my morning kefir/acai/prune juice concoction and began the day.

I also awoke with thoughts about hitting the road. The number of things that pop up that I think need to be addressed continues to grow. I haven't started recording that list so far, but must soon do so if the trip is going to happen. I'm still waffling somewhat over what I will do--trip or rent another place for some limited time. A few more days to ponder this then action will be required.

Spent part of last night helping L get her new computer up and running. She did a good job of researching what was out there and picked a good device and monitor. Lots of capability for not much money. Amazing feature set for the costs involved. Anyway, it was assembled, backed up, and brought online with minimal hassle.

Reminds me that I have to research and decide what laptop unit I would get when I head for the road. Short excerpt last night on NPR regarding short stories. How the emphasis on novels is actually reducing the number of short stories being written/submitted (good ones). Made it seem that a person might not make a living writing shorts, but could keep up a steady side job, especially if they have some existing income. I saw a path; I see a path. The doorway opens by a crack and I can peer into the cozy room. The room has a fireplace, a desk, and shelves of books. The ideal writing lair.

Just shut off the room heater. It's really noisy. When silenced, the room becomes still and calm like a boat sailing effortlessly across a lake. There are small sounds--the tinkling of wind chimes, sounds of car motors whisking by, the distant rumble of a plane's engines, the chirping of birds. The roar of the heater fan, when stopped, leaves a large empty space with only small attendant sounds.
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Back nearly 12 hours from the time I started this post. Time goes by, in the wink of an eye. There was lunch, then checking mail, sorting through old mail pile to eliminate the crap, dropped by L's (her computer working well), then to the chiro, back to the post office, grocery store, and went online too tell SS to direct deposit my checks.

In the background, the mantra of "trip, rent and stay, trip, rent and stay." Options, options, options. What to do? Tomorrow with G the conversation will become louder, and hopefully more distinct. I know it's arbitrary, but I feel like the end of this week is a deadline from which I begin to act on my intentions.

Part of me argues for staying, writing and then taking off once I've got some work done, things ready for publication. Another part of me says take off and let the universe show you what is out there. Pros and cons both ways. Both have their up and downsides.

I wait for a defining dream. All of the recent three part dreams are giving hints. Last night's triplet was dropping hints. The clarity glasses, the yellow costume, and the store being rearranged. Hints. Several hints regarding the issues I'm wrestling with. I need to see clearly even if I don't intend to take action. I must become a witness too what's possible.

Then when I act, I may choose something not exactly right for me, but I can change my clothes, my appearance, my outfit. I need too also understand that nothing is stable. Circumstances and appearances may change by the time I return. Things will be moved and I'll have to adjust to where things have shifted. It's part of the deal. Clarity, choice, change. Three C's, three constants.

Look forward to what my dreams may tell me tonight. Then a busy day--feldenkrais class, session with G, visit with L, chiro, and dance class. Not much time tomorrow for contemplating what I'm planning to do, but I'm sure my agenda will bend to make room for some thoughts here and there.

May the dream angels flock around me tonight and fill the evening with vivid scenes.

6251

Had a three-part dream last night. The number 3 has been prominent in several recent dreams. The previous night's warehouse dream involved three warehouse buildings.

I'm not sure I can recall all three dream segments from last night. One involved an SBC technician. H and I were waiting for the tech to arrive. He did so and was about on time. But, H was fiddling with something on his system and was causing the tech to wait. I watched the tech as he kept checking his watch. He looked like he was only going to a lot so much time and then if we didn't call him over, he was going to leave.

At some point, we were ready for the tech, but he was gone. I walked up the street and around the neighborhood to see if he had perhaps went to service neighbor. I didn't find him.

The other two dreams were similar in content, but different in setting. One seemed to involve a kid's nursery or day care center. There was something similar in that there was a waiting period that had to take place before some action could occur. I've dropped the details of what the specific dream content was all about.

The third dream segment is even less certain regarding details. There is just the lingering feeling that it too involved waiting before an action could take place. At this time, the details elude me.

Awoke fairly early. Went to L's for breakfast and listening to a reprise of PHC (NPR). We then walked around the campus, but the sun was brutal. Beautiful day, but hot and intense. We then went to the computer place to discover (after a wait for the salesperson to appear) that the computer they had on display was not in stock. Reset. Punt. Back to the drawing board.

L looked up the model on the web and discovered they were only available as refurbs. She then looked at the manufacturer's site and got more recent model numbers and info.

She left for the computer store, specs in hand. I came home and did some yoga, ate some yogurt and a banana, and started this post. When I complete this post, I'll shower and shave (good to do at least two of the three S's) and maybe drift back to L's for the setup activities.

In the background today, I kept thinking about the prospect of going on the road. Lots of energy around the idea, and also lots of uncertainty (aka fear). Also the overwhelm of what will need to be done to prep and plan for such a jaunt. In my younger days (here it goes), I would already be on the road. Now, I find myself replaying scenarios (good and bad) and posing lots of what if questions instead of doing things. Age versus youth.

What continues to goad me forward is the knowing that I don't have any better options. In fact, the option of sitting still seems like the most deadly way to go. The other route(s) are not as comfortable, easy, straightforward, but they also don't contain the potential, the possibilities of moving on. What an opportunity. Not so for many; not possible for multitudes. So goes the thought waves, the ripples of the soul.

The coming week will set the stage. By the end of the week, I have to announce intentions regarding the room I'm renting, which will set in motion subsequent actions and events. One step at a time; one step in front of the other (unless I skip or jump).

Talked with R this morning (R of the team and the one with vasculitis). He sounded as if he were totally blasted. He had dialed me by accident. He'd hit the wrong button on his phone. I had planned to talk with him anyway, about Wed and the team meeting. I'll have to call him back to remind him. I don't think he'll remember.

Late in the day, but the sun still hovers and lights the back of the garden. There is a quietness settling over the afternoon activities. Some sounds of cars and birds. The warble of small finches feasting on mosquitoes. Hope they are only eating the healthy ones. West Nile hovers all around this area, leaving the carcasses of dead birds in its wake.

Time to wrap up this entry and perhaps head for L's. I feel a craving for something--a sweet, a candy, a chicken sandwich. I really don't need anything. It's just a craving that comes from the soul, but manifests as hunger. I do hunger, but for something more than chicken on toast.

6252

When it rains, it turns everything green. Tax rebate checks have poured into the mailbox.

Today is moving at its petty pace or perhaps even slower than that. Dream last night was an epic. It involved an immense warehouse filled with art objects, devices, and miscellaneous debris. There were two other buildings that belonged to the owner of the warehouse.

For some reason, the owner was abandoning the buildings. He was going to lock them up and leave. But in some fashion, people heard about the closings and started gathering in anticipation of looting the places. I thought the owner was aware of this possibility, but he seemed oblivious.

People came and started taking things. There was a metal figure, several feet tall, with an insert that was placed into its head or hat. Someone took the insert and I had to tell him that it all went together. Take it all or leave it for someone who would do so.

The office area of the warehouse was glass enclosed and looked sturdy. People were hammering the glass with hammers, but the glass just vibrated and held. I realized that the office was hardened and could withstand a tactical nuke, if required. That made me feel better about the looters, but I was still upset over them being there and taking other things.

I finally awoke, feeling frustrated over not being able to hold back the looters and for having lost many pieces of art and other artifacts. The image of the huge warehouse and a road that led to the other buildings seems etched into my consciousness. It is as if the dream place will be seen eventually for real, someday.

I've lost a lot of the details from the dream. Just remember the metal statue with its metal insert, and a looter trying to take just a piece.
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Dancing last night was a drag. Floor was sticky and made turning/movement difficult. Nice, small crowd appeared. Place has been renovated and is brighter and cheerier. Talked for some time with A regarding his journeys and travels now that he's retired. He and S are the traveling couple. Has done almost all of the US and is still on the road.

Made me think even more about packing up and hitting the road. Need to get some minor work done on the truck, but it could be the steed that takes me onward. Looked up Woodall's stuff today--all one needs to know about camping and rec vehicle touring. They give a huge discount for ordering their books online. Part of the list I'm making--fixing up truck, gathering gear, getting materials, etc.

Not sure how all this will turn out, but it seems to be a calling with me right now.

Have about two months in which to make plans and decide. Staying doesn't seem to make a lot of sense versus hitting the road. Have to start things in motion next week. A few more days of pondering.

Put J in contact with A re start up assistance. This was after dreaming A & W (not the soda) into reality a few days ago. L off to her friend's house tonight so I have had a quiet afternoon and can do whatever tonight. Dance maybe. More likely will retire early and read. Keep pondering the possibilities of Travels with Mac--me and my trusty computer hit the road and blog the results.

Dance tonight--2nd Sat charity dance--also DUP (dances of Universal Peace). Had a (for me) big lunch (Melted Sausage Sandwich) and then grabbed a piece of carrot cake. After last night's blueberry pie plus whatever I ate yesterday it feels like I've eaten enough for now.

Started off the day with my new staple--kefir, juices, supplements, etc. Banking done and night's coming on. Listening to Prairie Home Companion (NPR).

Guy Noir, in a city that knows no sleep.

Listened to PHC and then Selected Shorts. A story by E.B. White that reprised some of the things with the Twin Towers, but done so years ago. Also heard a second story about a woman, Q, who lived frugally during the week so she could stay at a fancy hotel on weekends. She was a mixed-race person born to two hippies, who left her with her grandfather in TN before she left and came to NY.

For some reason, I had a moment when I thought back to when I was five or so. It was looking back down a long tube. I saw myself as a young boy and wondered what might have happened had I been awake enough then to choose what I wanted out of life. I didn't know I was making choices and that one of those choices was to always wait for things to unfold, not choose them into being.

Leaves me with a touch of sadness at what could have, might have been. I see that unsuspecting kid playing aimlessly, wandering the streets, expecting something that never appears.

I've had a relatively good life. A charmed life in some respects. But a life with no rudder, one carried along by the currents and tides. No plan, no structure for what I wanted to be or could have been. An easy life as well. Not a painful or difficult life. In my trance-like states, I seemed to have side stepped many potential pitfalls. Fell instead, most of the time, into the flowers, into the warm waters, into the fresh mown grass.

But that doesn't address the sadness and the sense of things not ever coming to point, to a conclusion, to some place fo solid accomplishment. It's always been by chance and not by intention.

So, does that mean there's one more journey to take? One more foray into the jaws of life, but with open eyes this time? Perhaps. I'm still waiting for the sign(s)--like I always do. Dream time once again. Welcome dreams and what you can tell me, what you can let me see.

6253

Ah! I see the recover post feature is gone. It should be. Whatever changes were made in setting up that feature turned the edit/post page into a random publish machine. The feature that was supposed to help me recover lost posts, lost my posts among several other things.

Will be a nice feature after it is reworked and tested.

I was up late last night trying to right (and write) the previous post. I'm not sure what got cropped as the system burped and farted. And to top it off, I don't recall my dreams.

Oh, well! Such is the life in the blog-o-sphere.

I think I wrote more about the idea of just taking off for awhile. Was up early (earlier than normal) to get my laundry into the wash/dry shop (before 10) and then went to yoga class. Really good to do yoga. Called L and nearly woke her up after yoga class. We went for a bite and guess what?

Wendy and Eames were sitting in the cafe. That's Wendy of the dream from last weekend when I called out her name in the middle of the night. So I did manage to locate them. And get his card so I can point J his way. Mysterious ways.

Went to dance class last night. Was good to move and dance. Movement. Forward motion. Tonatiuh. The fifth Aztec Sun God. The one who shines. The one who supports the universe. The name of my truck--so named because it was to take me to the next state, stage, situation.

So rather than head off to foreign places perhaps I'll journey inward. Travel the state, Oregon, the Southwest, TN, and beyond. With $1.6K/mo. guaranteed I can meander and stay even financially. Do a reprise of the trip I made several decades ago. This time with my eyes open.

I'm going to start noodling on that scenario. In some ways, it's a no-brainer. I'll need a few things, but nothing major.

Thunderstorms outside right now. Thunder rumbling across the skies. Rains falling in torrents like a cold monsoon. The streets will flood. We plan to dance locally tonight anyway. So weather won't be a factor.

I'm cautiously optimistic about the thought trends this week. Feels like a breakthrough, a first step on the road to someplace. And it will ground me back in nature and the earth. Meander time. A few things to put in place before I take off, but a couple of months to make that happen.

Can start the checklist tomorrow. Make a list, check it twice. Gonna found out who's naughty, not nice.

So new plans on the horizon. Makes for a rainy day.

6254

Ancient history dreams last night. Working with people from both NS and LF. I was in an office with a number of people who had worked on projects for NS and LF. There were some documents that I had helped create that people were looking over. It seemed that there was an application for some of the concepts that had been sketched out in earlier documents.

I recall being in the office quite late. I was waiting for everyone to clear out so I could finish clearing out my files and cleaning up my desktop. The dream went on for quite some time, but I don't remember a lot of details. Just that there were people from NS, from the distant long ago.

Spent some time this morning looking over my budget. Getting a handle on what I can afford to spend on a new rental and what it will take to keep things afloat. That is, how much I'll have to draw down on my savings in order to stay another year.

Concurrent thought: If I stay a year, why am I staying? What do I hope to accomplish? I immediately come up with the thought of writing a book--or at least filling a book-sized manuscript with literary writings. Other than that, it will be to continue to dance, rest, exercise, and get healthy, really healthy.

Seems like a plan. Will cost me about $700 a month to hang on here. Perhaps a bit less if I cut back on chiro work. Won't be extravagant living. But it is doable. Anything is doable, I guess.

B is moving to OR. That puts two B's in OR. And there is still the thought of TN. Reading Grisham's latest novel, more thoughts of returning home came up. TN and MS are home ground for me. Not sure I will be able to endure those places, people once again, but the call to come home is strong. Never thought it would be so.

Also, can use the year to make contact with my kids, grandkids. Have let that slip onto the sideburners for several months. I'm overdue and going back to TN or moving out of the area is not going to make that happen or make it easier to do. So, I have at least two reasons to remain.

And there is the relationship with L. A third reason to keep it local for awhile. Use the year to bring that relationship to some conclusion.

Yes, there are numerous reasons to stay. There are also reasons to leave. Economics being the major factor. But a year of treading water won't create a big hit in my bank account. More than that will certainly do so. And, I might find some kind of work. Preferably, working over the web in some way--writing columns for online magazines.

Some clarity today on the mental front while the clouds spin and stir outside and the sun appears and warms the air. L is out of the dance loop for a few weeks. I'll see if I can maintain with lessons if not all of the dances.

Daze without end. Title of a new reality series.

I've been reading (over the past 36 hours) Analog and Azimov periodicals. I'm really struck by the poorer quality of writing--good ideas, but really not that great writing skills. This dichotomy is really noticeable as I read more literary works. I want to write like Murakami, Divakaruni, Oates, Munro, etc. It is difficult for me to even read the SciFi materials. They don't grab me emotionally as do the other writers.

What does this insight mean? Probably nothing, but I really noticed the difference as I read the stories. Clever ideas, but not as engaging as good storytelling, characters, and literary narration.

6255

It's later in the evening on Tuesday. I felt like writing some before heading for bed. Will post in the morrow, but just feel like writing some tonight.

My energy is flowing nicely, at last. Went to dance class (almost wussed out, but did so anyway since I knew it would make me feel better). Thought I was a bit low on energy for the class, but not so. We learned 3 new dances, plus reviewed a couple of others (Bicycle Waltz, e.g.). Class was filled.

Strange little Asian man came in, sat through some of the lessons and dances. He just looked and acted weird. He looked like he was going to lift someone's bag or pocketbook. When I left, he was wandering about outside. I hate to make snap judgments about anyone, but there was definitely something off about him and his actions. Will look for him next week and maybe try and speak with him. Possibly, he's just an exchange student and is taking in the local scenes and activities. I'll think positive thoughts.

L had an episode of BPV (Benign Positional Vertigo). She went to the clinic and they gave her some anti-nausea pills and a procedure to do that should get her inner ear back in balance. Came upon her out of the blue. She's resting (not dancing) and waiting for it to subside.

Spoke with B tonight. Told him about the USPL (Kooser). They did have the same procedure, same events. He prompted me to send an email to the team and ask "whazzup?". We've been a long time not meeting. Time for a summit.

I'm feeling a lot better now that I've pulled my GI tract together and rebooted it. So far, I seem to be able to eat just about anything, although I'm not slurping up a lot of animal protein. Have pulled off of daily sweets, pastries, chai, coffee and sugars. Drinking/eating fruits. Take a medicinal does of prune juice just to be sure. Starting to feel human again.

So until the morrow when I'll return with the next non-significant blither, many dreams to all and to all a good nacht.
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Had many dreams that I immediately forgot when I awoke. I jumped out of bed (it was cool last night) and the room temp and need to hit the john made the dreams fade away. Back into the great subconscious -- or not so great , as the case may be.

B pointed me to a Kooser poem that captured some of the tensions of my GI tract condition--the one with the lightning bug image. He talks about straining on the toilet and knowing what a lightning bug must feel like. Hmmmm! Poets!

Sent an email to call the team together next week. We need to decide if we're continuing or not. I suggested that we meet via blog. Would make sense since we're so scattered.

Got an email from B that indicates he's moving to Oregon in June. L's refi'ed her house. Things are becoming more fluid, more uncertain. I have to decide what I'm going to do as well. And soon.

I've got several new physical symptoms manifesting for me to obsess over. Right hand fingers are really tingly for no particular reason. Also have a breakout on my chin of folliclitis--my usual tension-based thermometer. When I get stressed, I break out--especially if I get in the sun, etc.

Will my days be all about such drivel, such trivial stuff? B is juiced as he plans to move to OR. He's already mined his network there and scoped out some things for him to do, etc. He's invited me to help maintain an index that he keeps up too date. I'll have to look it over and decide what I wish to do, if anything.

It's been windy the past few hours as if a storm is coming or passing. Right now, it's quiet and still. Like the calm before.

I am so frustrated. I feel like I'm standing between two panels that keep squeezing closer, cutting off my movements, my options. Of course, that's not really true, but it feels so.

And, also of course, I continue to wrestle with myself over money and what to do in that domain. Should I try and get some work? I can't seem to motivate myself in this arena either.

Dangling pieces, scattered elements, shards and fragments. A confusion of delays, debates, and delinquent intentions. Parboiled concepts that will have no way to become realities. Makeshift masterpieces. The roar of a distant sea.

I come to a breaking point, a breakthrough point, a realm of possibilities. I reach into the pool and draw forth the sword; I make ready for the battle. I speak as if there is only a single foe. It is so and it is the shadow, the smoky image of a well-known face.

6257, 6256

No posts, no ghosts. Empty spaces for the past few days. Been somewhat busy dancing, walking the beach, obsessing over my diet/GI tract, thinking about life, wondering what it is I'm going to do with mine, trying to discover what it's going to take to get me motivated once again, reading (a lot--Grisham, Oates, Divakaruni, and more), listening to NPR, going to the chiro, going to dance class, ruminating, walking (some), starting to look for a new place (mit kitchen), wondering, thinking about expenses and how I'm going to make things work out, doing my arm lifts, eating/drinking kefir and acai plus other nutrients/supplements, starting to feel better in some ways, lost, and contemplating doing some volunteer work. Other than that, I've also slept, dreamed, rested, paid my bills, and performed numerous other random acts of blindness.

So I return here. To the place where I've come back to so many times. I listened to the US Poet Laureate on NPR, paid some attention to the death of the pope and Scaivo (sp?), thought about making my living will and directive (die-rective), and other miscellaneous mutterings.

I've occasionally reminded myself of starting to write in my story blog--to begin the process of writing dream tales. The reminders didn't prompt me to really do anything except feel guilty for not doing anything. Twisty roads I weave as I practice my own peeves.

The USPL talked about his bout with throat cancer (similar to B's battles) and how he wrote over 100 poems, one each day, during the heart of the illness and treatments.

Enough of this putrid pre-ramble. I did dream last night (and on the others as well, although previous night's dreams are less intact right now). But, on Sat night, I apparently dreamed that I had met W. L said I spoke out in the night as if I'd met her and greeted her. I don't recall that dream at all. I did dream, that night, a somewhat vivid dream that I now can't recall. I also remember waking up in the night a couple of times with physical movements associated with the dreams.

Last night, I dreamed that I was touring a very large hotel. I was going to be responsible for doing a thorough cleanup/repair/put in order of every room in the place. The hotel was enormous. It had two wings and multiple floors, each with dozens of rooms. A manager was conducting the walkthrough and showing what needed to be done. I was estimating that I would need two people to help, and that we'd be able to clean/clear a floor per wing each day. It seemed that the whole job would take several weeks.

There was a master control in the building that would let me unlock all of the room doors on a wing so we could freely access the units. I was somewhat concerned about security and how we would control access to the open rooms during our time on a wing. I was working out some details regarding having the elevators not stop on the floors we were servicing, etc. Also, we had to plan on moving some tenants out and back in as the work progressed.

In the lobby, I noticed that a room on the second level had already had some work done to it. It was a room that was like an open workout room with a window that looked down into the lobby. I could see where cabling and other services had been stripped from the room and the contents of the room had been moved. I surmised that the room and its contents had been moved to a location in the other tower.

I was a little concerned with the scope of the project, but felt that it was doable.
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Just took a sidetrack journey onto Craig's list to check out housing options. Looks like there are some and more coming as we close in on summer break. Will not start looking in earnest until next week when final rent payment is made.

Skipped Feldenkrais class this morning. Have to run out to pickup a dance card from the rec center, grab a bite and eventually head for chiro world. May return here for a postscript, and may not. Who can tell? Who rings the bell? I don't know. And, I won't tell.

6259, 6258

No posts this weekend...

6260

I said I was going to start my story writing today. April Fools! I didn't do it.

I am in a general funk. Health concerns, money concerns, life concerns. Did dream last night, but don't recall what it was about. Perhaps something still related to the last two connected dreams. But not for sure.

Finished Queen of Dreams -- masterful story and blending of dreams with narrative sections. Elegant and admirable. I'm really jealous as well. I too wish to write such work.

Am still nursing my GI tract. Have managed to not turn myself into a trash compactor, but am doing so by limiting what I'm ingesting. No fun in that and I'm already growing tired of doing it. But until I sort out what's happening it seems the best strategy.

Just came back from dancing. I was low energy (low fuel intake). L will be getting a job offer. She had a good followup interview today. So she'll soon be back on the wheel. I'm happy for her, but despondent over my situation. I keep finding myself in one of Murakami's wells.

I guess the Buddha says that when you find yourself in well go deep. Be in the well.

Right! Words to perish by. I'm not functioning. My systems are slowing down, sputtering, and are not working properly. May have to go back to the doctor if my GI issues don't right themselves. Got to get my own kitchen. Will be one big step back onto the health path.

Coming up on the witching hour. Time to shut this meandering modulation down and dream some dreams. Perhaps a dream about my GI tract. Oh, yeah!