5987

Dreamed | of being at a gathering | but being invisible | not seen | disconcerting | but valid |

I was at a meeting of people from the management consulting group. They were saying bon voyage to some potential clients and all stops had been pulled to make a good impression. There were not only some of the principals but also people from the staff and support areas. It took place in a large parking lot. CS was leading the activities. He was doing his usual good job of selling everyone on what could be done. He was waving several pages from a prospectus that had been prepared for the clients.

I was there, but felt like I was invisible. I was poorly dressed and was scruffy looking--pretty much like I've been dressing in reality. A few people in the crowd made eye contact with me, gave me a quiet nod, but didn't say or do more than that. The longer I stood there, the more out of place I felt.

There was also another dream segment, but I lost it after I awoke.
*************************************
Major rain and wind today. Trees toppled and waters rising in the gutters. Got an emergency warning message by telephone alerting me to the possibility of water getting over the banks of the local creek. Didn't happen although the gutters and storm drains were clogged and overflowed.

Last day of the year, 2005! Had lunch at L's--salmon, broccoli, toast with cheese, and an apple dessert. Was good!

Heading for a New Year's dance tonight. Starting out a bit later than usual so naps can be taken and snacks can be consumed. Last dance of the current year. Dancing into the New Year--2006.

Drinking a Sleepytime tea and eating a vegan oatmeal cookie. Seeing if I can settle down before heading to the dance. Strange to be drinking something to quiet me down before heading to a party. The world is upside down! I am inside out! I'll be moving in a week, moving and shifting.

What do I want in the New Year? Peace and stability, healing and recovery. I just want to reach a point where I can relax and let go--flow with the go--and not be seemingly driven from circumstance to circumstance. It will be OK to be out of control as long as there are no overtones to everything--let things be what they are and not have to react or do anything unless I wish to do so.

Simple things in simple order--I wish to have time back in my hands instead of being driven by events. I can say it a thousand ways, but I'll know when it becomes so for me. Especially now, now that I know what it is like to not have it be so. To be lost in time, lost to an array of events, lost to my own wishes, lost! In the New Year, I wish to become found in place of lost. Let it be so! Let it be so!

5988

Dreams | of places | strange.

I was in a village that had been constructed in a valley near a river. The place was not really that remarkable, but was functional. Everyone who lived there had a small, compact building in which they lived and worked. Each place was dedicated to some aspect of service or product that was needed by others. Every transaction involved bartering. There were no currencies. Everyone traded for what they needed.

I was being given a tour of the place. I had arrived from off planet and had some business that involved the community. I was being given a tour so I would know exactly how the current system worked so that whatever I was going to do would mesh with the system.

As I said, there was nothing remarkable about the place. People seemed peaceful, healthy and active. The men appeared to all be about the same age, as did the women and children. There were no tiny babies and no elderly people. It was as if everyone and everything had been transplanted there by machines. Buildings were not marked or individualized in any way. Everything was uniform.
*************************************
Got a haircut today. Took some time. The shops are busy with people's hair for the holidays. Next to last day of this year. One more day and the New Year arrives. 2006! Clickety-clicks, 2006!

Awoke with shaking (guess that's the way it is). Finally, just got up and did a Qigong session to quiet things down. Was shaking some while the barber worked on my cut. She didn't seem to notice. I felt like I was vibrating from the tremor. I guess I notice it more than others might.

Have been incrementally packing and gathering stuff. I really don't have much stuff with me, but even so it's a lot more than I actually use.

Picked up some staples to carry with me--rice, oats, beans, etc. Have my seasonings and spices, my rice cooker, and a few cans of miscellaneous items.

I keep thinking about what it's going to be like as this illness progresses. Right now, with fairly mild symptoms, I'm nearly useless. I can't concentrate for long periods of time. I feel low energy. The few moments of relief are generally overwhelmed by much longer periods of distress. My night sleeps don't seem to be giving me complete rest--I keep feeling like I want to nap during the day.

Blah, blah, blah! Same old story, same old tune. Rain is falling. There is no moon. One more day and this year is done. Then lots of dancing and lots of fun.

Two huge people eating breakfast this morning. It looked painful! A mound of food in front of each one. Together, they must have weighed over 400 pounds! But, I thought, they are healthy and I am eating nominally but dealing with a hidden disorder. So difficult to look out and not run a comparison of me versus them. Would I trade a bunch of pounds for no symptoms? It didn't look like a worthy trade from my viewpoint. They looked ill at ease. But, no such trade is imminent. I have mine and they have theirs. And so it goes...

5989

Dreams | like mists | floating through the night | only remember the phantoms | only recall the darkness.

Jumped up this morning and didn't do Qigong, take my supplements, or stop and ponder. Wanted to get my laundry to the Wash and Dry place in time to have it returned tonight. Lost track of all else as I made my dash.

Appears that my truck is still leaking a fluid -- either antifreeze of oil. Slow leak, but should probably have it looked at before making the trek over the hill. Once there, it will not be easy to commute back over for usual items. For that reason, tried to get a haircut today, but looks like not until tomorrow or perhaps next week.

Went to final chiropractic session this morning. Will be seeing Dr. D only occasionally from now on unless I move back into the area.

Read an article in the Daily today about doing exercise. Man with PD was going regularly to the gym to work with a trainer on routines that help with PD issues. Made me think again of what I need to set up for myself so that I can stay functional, stay active, stay mobile. Not having to "go" somewhere multiple times each week will help, but that is still a ways off. The PDTreatment sessions will become the next set of "go" places that I'll need to deal with. Once I'm past the first two months, hopefully I can establish a simpler schedule, etc.

Cold today. Cold and damp. Makes for a creaky body despite the visit to the chiropractor. As I ate breakfast, a man at the next table was talking with a friend about his recent stroke and what was in store for him. His friend alluded to something that he too was dealing with, but never said exactly what. Wonderful breakfast banter. Plus elderly man who uses a walker was there shuffling along on his daily trek to the cafe and back to where he lives (I suppose).

So life goes on until it doesn't. How to create meaning out of this shuffling back and forth, out of this endless passing. People come and people go. Rains become the winter snow.
*************************************
Finally did a Qigong session and got a good Indian meal to help ward off the chill. Been mapping all of my financial details into online accounts. E-everything almost! Away with paper except for some necessary classical uses. I am now electrons and bits, momentary states and gates.

Drank a cup of Sleepytime tea earlier this afternoon. Calmed the symptoms, but dinner disappeared them, finally. I ate a light lunch--perhaps light meals don't work as well as full plates. When it was lunch time, I wasn't that hungry. Guess I'll have to ignore what my stomach channel is broadcasting and eat anyway. Looking forward to having access to a kitchen. That will make a difference in figuring out what to eat/not to eat, etc.

Waiting for the promised rains. Have to dance between the raindrops tomorrow and get a haircut. Making things ready for the move. Need to stock up on some items to carry with me as starters. Trader Joe's over there is a bit further away than here.

The year moves closer to being over. Goodbye 2005! Hello 2006! May the new year bring everyone great joy and happiness! Everyone!

5990

Went to see the Narnia movie. Had some problems sitting still, but shaking stopped about half way through the movie. Very good movie. Done at about the right level. Could have gone overboard at several points, but action was reined in and kept moving and flowing.

Spent a great deal of today sorting through boxes of debris. Why do I have all of this crap and miscellaneous stuff? How am I ever going to be rid of it all?

Keep having this vision of me being in a simple place with a simple setting doing simple things. Just not having to leave two to three times a day to forage. Plus other errands and side trips. Soon, soon.

I managed to reduce my local pile of debris significantly. Took several boxes to the storage locker, which created a shadow on my meager motions. I'm ready to get on with everything. I just want to be settled and whole. I have to make room in my patterns for ample rest and restoration. I got a bit tired today shifting through things, hauling boxes, making room in my storage locker, and running about.

Tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps on in this petty pace. Perhaps there will be dreams!

5991

Dreams | were | were not | maybe | no borders between asleep and awake.

Spent a lot of the day sorting and shredding. So much debris! Now it's recycle fodder. Empty and unpack. I've got several boxes that I did not put in storage. I was going to sort through them in a leisurely fashion. Did not! Now I'm sifting through stuff (the same stuff) once again. But this time, the shredder speaks loudly.

Already looks like I'll be stuffing several boxes into storage and not hauling them over the hill on this initial journey. Fine with me. Except I hate the idea that there are so many loose ends to things. Boxes full of objects about which I no knowledge. Hidden away in a dark corner.

Went to chiropractor late today. There was a fill in for Dr. D. He was good, but I felt like I didn't get the attention that I get from Dr. D, who knows my history. This guy, no matter how good he may be, cannot know everyone's recent and current states. He has to work based on the energies, and mine was low today. Not much to work with.

Time starts to loom, or rather the ticking away of the clock. I'll have to be more efficient than I was today in order to pull off a smooth move. Making my lists and checking them twice. Lots of details to be handled. Glad I'll have at least a week to settle in.

Just had a pot of chamomile tea. Feeling somewhat logy and ready for an early to bed. Drank the tea because the shaking was noticeable. Wanted to see if I could take the edge off with a light meal, some tea and a cookie. Seems to be working.

When I settle in at the new place, I'll have more control of my diet and will be able to keep a detailed record of what I intake and my state of being.

For example--
Morning--Qigong, no meditation afterwards, took supplements with kefir, pineapple juice, prune juice (2 BrainSustain, 1 hylaronic acid, 1 DHA Max, 2 multi-vitamins, 1 glucosomine/chondrotin, 1 acidofolus)
Morning -- sliced mango, banana, 1/2 bran muffin
Lunch -- soup, egg roll, cashew prawns with mixed veges, rice, bit of tea, fortune cookie
Dinner -- soup, bread, orange slices, pickle, cookie, chamomile tea
State of Being -- stayed with unpacking, shredding most of the day, went to chiropractor, feeling somewhat in overwhelm, back aching from bending over a lot today, noticed that anxiety levels (and shaking) went up when I saw someone I knew today (Dr. S and HMc), or was asked to add to the load (L calling and suggesting a movie)...

And then again, I may not do this -- seems like a lot of data for no particular good reason. But, will revisit once treatments start. To add to the pile, my truck is still dripping antifreeze. They were supposed to have fixed that issue last service. Hate to give up a day to take it back in, but may have to do so. Better now rather than later.

Anyway, it was a long, full day with many side tracks into histories and evidence of yesteryears...

5992

Dreamed | it was the day after Christmas | and it was. | A reality dream! |

Dreams got blended with reality events. It seemed like I was half way between dream states and waking thoughts. Strange mixture of dream images and to-do list items.

Went out for some oatmeal this morning. Cafe was not too crowded. People were sleeping in late and meandering slowly to the feeding holes. There will be more places open today.

Two weeks from today I'll be resettled in a new place, a new space. Looking forward to being there, but also carrying some uncertainty over what happens next. Symptoms come and go. Made a cup of tea last night (yesterday afternoon) to both warm me up and moderate the symptoms. Seemed to work. Shaking was fairly nominal yesterday evening and last night. Up some this morning, but reduced with Qigong and breakfast.

Wood chippers busily chomping away at tree parts. Guess the gardeners didn't get today off. Makes for a noisy wake up alarm. That and the refuse trucks with their can slammers that pick up and empty the trash containers.
*************************************
Bumped into a previous co-worker while I was downtown today. Bumped into him a few weeks ago. He said some nice things about my creative abilities. I told him that I'd introduce his son to the product development people at the toy company. His son is taking a degree in product development. Perhaps I can help him make a contact there.

An eating day. I saw the co-worker as I was eating lunch--a bowl of chicken, egg, rice and veges--oyoko don, I believe.

Now headed to L's for a reprise of the Xmas Eve dinner. Eat, eat, eat!

Had more of the leftovers from the Finnish feast. Delicious, it was! We just about finished (no pun) it off. Rosolli (I learned how to spell it correctly) was still tasty and about the only thing that was left.

Was a simple holiday weekend. No big deals. No major gift exchanges. A lot of peaceful time.

Thinking a lot about what's next. About what it is I'm going to do, going to be able to do. Still some time away from knowing what's going to be possible for me, but am assuming I will recover and go on to becoming productive again--in some way, to some degree. Wishing I could jump from now to there tonight, immediately. But, it all unfolds, it all manifests as it does, as it will do so. Feel like I'm standing on the edge of an abyss and taking a step off into darkness. Trusting, yet fearful. Willing to step into the unknown, but wary of where I'm going, what I am stepping into, onto, and beyond.

The time has come the walrus sez... There is no future time, just the yawning maw of now, today, tonight, this minute, second, moment. Collapsing in upon itself. Grinding away the logic, the reasons, the excuses, the efforting. Layering itself like blankets. Holding in the heat and banishing the cold.

Winter is a'coming in or so sings Pound. Let the storm approach. Let the thunder be heard and the lightning pierce the night. Wayward winds keep howling and let me sleep as the maelstrom manifests. No light is better than the brightness. No rain is better than the floods. Awaken, I am being told. Awaken, and take control of the clock. Don't let the hours vanish. Spin the dial by hand. Make the minutes fly. Spin the stars!

5993

Happy Holidaze | Merry and bright |

Started going through my small piles of debris. Making new piles of things that can be thrown away as I start to prepare for moving. Opportunity to dump more stuff that I don't need to carry around anymore.

Found a new sushi place open downtown today. Sushi for Christmas! Place got packed right after I got there. It was one of the few places open. It, a Mediterranean place and selected Starbucks, along with the newsstand and other random places were the only things open. Sushi looked good that I saw coming from the sushi counter. I ended up with a combo box of tempura, teriyaki and sushi.

Except for my debris-crunching activities, it was a quiet day with lots of rain in the afternoon. Sat and read for several hours and will do more of that when I go to sleep tonight.

Got a note from my sister and a phone call from my friend P. I only got a chance to make a circuit downtown for my walk today. The rains came and put a damper (literally) on outside excursions.

It's now just past 6PM so people are gathering for Hanukkah celebrations. Mazel Tov! May there be always peace and joy, love and light.

5994

Dreaming | about Christmas | and it's almost here.

Had a lovely Christmas Eve. L put together a Finnish feast in honor of the holiday. Rutabaga casserole, carrot and rice casserole, risoli (not sure of spelling, but contains chopped pickle, carrot, apple, pear, beets, boiled egg, and topped with sour cream flavored with juice from the beets), boiled potatoes, pickled herring (with sour cream and onions), lab shanks in a rosemary-mint gravy, caramel cake, blueberry pie, plus more. Was a treat!

We watched Phantom of the Opera (the movie). Not as good as the stage play in many ways, but music is powerful.

Had an interesting "fade out" twice today--once in the morning/early afternoon and then at L's after eating dinner. Think I went too long between meals and that kicked in a fade out by the time we ate dinner. Have to look at this issue--I keep hitting these fade out times during the day and haven't matched them up with my activities. Shaking and tremor was really pronounced until about an hour after dinner/dessert. Seems like skipping a meal is not a good practice.

Late now and feeling much better. Quieted down during the movie and feel up right now. It's late though and I should roll it up soon. Warm Christmas Eve--sunny and bright. Goodnight!

5995

Dreams | about transit stations | games | and other dreamalations.

I was at a huge transit station. There were several different platforms from which I could take trains, buses, taxis, and other vehicles. I was going to a specific place and had to take a particular ferry. The connections with the vehicles that crossed the river were always to the left of the regular transport platforms. I could visualize a top-down map of the system, pinpoint where I was relative to the platforms, and navigate my way to the correct station. I was giving other people advice on where to go and which platforms to go to to get where they wanted to go.

There was a dream segment of arriving on a train and being confronted with the complexity of the station, which was a hub for making transfers and connections.

I was going across the river to get to a facility where I worked. I was part of a development team that was building a complex interactive game. I was a play tester and was only brought in to help test final play values and overall game playability. When I disembarked from the ferry, I entered the complex and was directed to an area that was surrounded by a tall cloth wall. The are was in the shape of a crescent and I entered at one end of the structure. There I found a workstation and began my logon process. I nodded hello to some of the other people who were sitting at adjoining stations. They were mostly young guys; high school and college students who were making a few extra bucks working on the project.

There were some dream scenes where I was testing the product and got the attention of some of the developers. I was doing things that they had not anticipated and was causing the game to behave erratically.

The game was in a "wire" stage. The game objects were represented as wireframes without texturing, color, or highlights, and without all details. The objects were sufficient to test the play logic, but were not what they would look like eventually.
*************************************
Awoke slowly this morning. Was about to begin a Qigong session when L called and suggested that we meet at the bakery. So I held off and made the pastry run. Came back and did Qigong, shaved, showered and went out for lunch. Pastry was good, but not enough real food elements.

Roamed about some in the holiday crowds and traffic. Bought a CA combo lottery ticket(s) with the intention of giving myself a holiday bonus--we shall see.

L and I may hit the dance floor tonight. Will be good to dance. Walked some, but dancing would be better. We shall see.

It's going to be a low profile holiday season for me. Feel like just taking off for some exotic location, but not sure I could handle any changes or disruptions right now. Getting tired easily. Wanting to just collapse after only the smallest exertions.
*************************************
No dance tonight. It must have been cancelled. Makes sense. Don't think that there would be a big crowd there tonight. Went to L's for a bite of dinner and watched as she prepared tomorrow's dinner. Makes it look easy to whip up such a Finnish feast. Got really tired after I had a cup of glögg. Could feel myself fading. Also was having trouble talking, saying anything coherent, and staying alert. Just wanted to curl up and sleep. I don't think I'm getting enough good sleep. Probably tossing and turning all night and why I keep wanting to nap around midday.

Look forward to dinner tomorrow. Will be a feast compared to my normal fare. This time is best to take a rest... Glögg night!

5996

Dreams | of villages | ponds | and rustic adventures.
I was in a village. I lived in a cabin near the end of the main street. It was a rambling cluster of rooms that were nestled close to a wooded area and that had a stream flowing by. There was a pond off to one side of the cabin.

I was standing near the edge of the pond. I saw a flicker of movement in the water as if there were a large fish moving about in the deep part. Suddenly, there was a flash and splash as a fish jumped out of the water followed by a second larger fish. The large fish engulfed the smaller one and swallowed it whole. The fish then landed on a branch in a large tree as if it were caught in the foliage. It looked down and around, did a couple of movements, and fell back into the water. It disappeared into the depths. I felt that I should tell someone what I had seen, but there was no evidence of it having happened. I was excited over having witnessed the event.

Earlier in the dream, I had driven up to the cabin by cruising through the village. People noted my passing, but gave no sign of welcoming or invitation. I felt like I was going to have to do something special to be welcome in that place.
*************************************
Went to the chiropractor this morning. Was a bit sluggish rising, but managed to get there on time. Good adjustment! A healing place! Just as healing as the restorative yoga class. Dr. D is a gifted healer. I'll miss his treatments. Going to miss quite a few things when I move.

Awoke with shaking--seems to be the pattern. Haven't yet done my Qigong session for today. Will do later this afternoon. But shaking smoothed out at Dr. D's. And smoothed out more after I had breakfast. Makes me wonder about the symptoms. Will be good to get the PD team's assessment--just in case it's not PD, but something else.

Feeling bursts of energy as if there is something breaking through the clouds of ennui that also want to surround my being. Pings of joy, health, possibility, and hope. I can only pray for more such moments.

After all that, I lay down and rested/slept/daydreamed for a spell. Rain keeps coming and it's getting damp and cool. Wanted to go for a walk this afternoon, but the rains don't look like they'll let up soon.

Keep chiding myself to get over it and get on with things. But the ever-presence of shaking, even when I'm "still," makes it difficult to concentrate. I can read, but I have a difficult time doing anything directed if it does not involve movement. Going to have to find a way around or through this barrier, this block.

Otherwise, it's a lot of sleeping, a lot of weeping--no matter what I'm keeping, or letting go. Rain makes the grass grow green, but it's not my scene, not mainstream, extreme, part of the dream. Time for a pot of tea, a spot of tea, a mystery, a time to flee, extremity...

5997

Dreams | eluded | erased | evaporated | lost.

Another rainy day. Soft, slow drizzle that keeps everything damp and shiny. Gave myself a holiday gift--I took my laundry to the wash and fold place. Didn't want to deal with the Laundromat, especially with the limited parking there now. So will finish out the year using the service. What a treat!

Came home from dancing fairly energized last night. Read until almost midnight. Wasn't sleepy. Between the yoga and the dancing, my system went up a notch. Still having erratic symptom episodes, despite the chamomile teas. Skipping a meal is not an option, or so it seems. Symptoms ramp up based on my food levels. Light snacks don't seem to work as well as solid meals. Digestion seems to be holding together fairly well as long as I don't eat anything too dense.

Men's team may implode tonight. B had flight problems and didn't come down. R has flu symptoms. M has not responded. I may be the only team member who shows up. We'll see!
*************************************
M came to the team meet. It was good to see him and catch up. Balmy evening. Had my pot of tea and it seems to be holding the symptoms at bay. Just doesn't seem to last for a long period of time. Recovery is going to be the only route to restoring a balance.

We talked about the possibility of letting the team dissolve--that it may be time.

Early out tonight. Feeling a bit tired. My voice got fairly weak while talking with M. Have to put some attention on that issue as time unfolds.

5998

Dreams | dissolved | by the dawn's early light. |

My waking pattern is causing me to drop the dreams before I awake. I'm waking up early and instead of replaying my dream states, I'm getting up. Then, the dreams are gone. Need to roll over when I start to wake and replay the current dream.
*************************************
Spent a lot of time yesterday and this morning figuring out exactly how the filing system works on my iBook. Not exactly intuitive! But, I managed to burn some things onto a CD and recreated my Documents folder--and learned quite a lot about the Finder, disk images, and so on.

I discovered, the hard way, what it means when an icon shows a puff of smoke as I drag it around. It means it's going to vaporize, which is something I managed to do and recover from, fortunately. Not entirely intuitive as I say.

The Help files were eventually helpful, it just takes a lot of digging around. I'm still not entirely clear on how to use a Burn Folder, but I'll puzzle it out.

Well, have successfully made a backup of my document files. Burned and re-burned a CD just to make sure I captured the data I thought I was saving.
*************************************
Going to restorative yoga class today and then dancing tonight--holiday party dance here in Palo Alto. Will be good to restore and move some. Been some time since I've danced. Weeks! But first a short rest from the computer times. Then onward to yoga I go...

Yoga and dancing were great. I was shaking quite a bit during yoga, but I think it was from not eating something solid. Had a light breakfast (banana, yogurt, muffin), but didn't follow up with a good lunch. Instead had a tea and more muffin. Wasn't enough. Settled down some after eating dinner once yoga was done. Plus had a tea and a cookie, plus snacks at the dance.

Got a bit tired dancing. Yoga plus dancing for almost two plus hours set me back on my heels some. Still knew a lot of the dances or recalled them as they were danced. Lot of people at the party. Big crowd.

Odd Asian man was there. He's not all there, I don't think. He was having a good time. He ate and danced. Said his name is Perry.

Couple of the dances really speak to me--Simplemente, Enjoy Yourself, and the one with the line "Who you gonna call when your road ends at the sea?". Simplemente is just a great piece of music with dance steps that fit the music really well. Enjoy Yourself is a bouncy, happy tune with lively dance steps.

Was fun. A few more dances on the docket for this year and then it will be a new venue. Ends with the New Year's dance at Twin Pines. Out with the old and in with the new--in with the totally new.

5999

Dreams | about a sport's camp | a summer camp | in the woods and near a lake | I was part of a team that was doing a pre-season workout in the woods. |

In one part of the dream, several of us were goofing around and a couple of team members held me as another team member poured water on me. I was flailing around trying to get loose. I managed to free up one arm and I twisted sideways and threw my weight against the person holding me. We tumbled onto a slope and I reached out to grab someone. About then, I crashed into my night table sending books and items scattering everywhere.

I was acting out the dream and nearly threw myself off the bed. Needless to say, I woke myself up with that acrobatic action. I noted that things seem to be intact (didn't break my reading glasses) and I drifted back to sleep, back into the dream.

There were earlier scenes in the dream where I was on the field and standing behind the fence as practice took place. There were a mix of men and women on the team. It was like a softball team from a company or a church.
*************************************
Got up earlier than usual this morning. Did Qigong and meditation, then showered and headed for the chiropractor. Got an adjustment and then ate breakfast (oatmeal). Shaking/tremor was light last night--had a beer and a chamomile tea. More noticeable as I awoke, but quietened down after Qigong, chiropractor and food. Fairly quiet still so I haven't brewed a tea yet.

Did some quick research on both chamomile and valerian root. Both have similar properties, although valerian is used more for sleep disorders, which I do not have. Looks like using both on alternate days might be ideal. I recall that valerian seemed to relax muscles, but left me alert. Descriptions don't say that, but it may be how it reacts with me.

Got a preliminary note from the SC treatment people saying they are working out a schedule. They may want to not start treatments until February, but that's fine. I'll use the time to settle in and begin to regulate my diet more. I'll still move from PA as planned no matter how they set the treatment schedule.
*************************************
Chamomile definitely affects the symptoms. They were fairly persistent this morning despite Qigong, an adjustment and food. So, went to the cafe where they serve it from the bulk teas. Had a tea and a cookie. Things have quieted down. Maybe too much--I feel like taking a nap (which I've already done once today--right before going out for a tea).

Got an email from one of the original men's team members. He noted that the team has been together (not everyone, but a host of people) for 10 years. He's proposing a 10-year reunion next month. Will try and get there if I can do so. Would be a trip to see everyone again.

Ten years! Since 1996. What has transpired in all that time? NetSchools took up 5 years of that time. Would have to look at my journals. My daughter came to live with me. I've spent the past year or so dealing with my health. And, of course, there's the 1.5 years at the toy company. Time spent! Made the ascent to nearly the top of Shasta. Dangled on a rock face at around 7,000 feet. Got out of debt! And managed to save some money. I was 56 then; I'm 66 now. Ten years! A decade! And the beat goes on! The beat goes on!

6000

1300 days since I started this journal. Have almost made an entry each day. A bit over three and one-half years (3.56). Seems like only a short time. Have only been posting to this blog since March of this year. Previous three years are just in text documents.

7300 days equals 20 years. I'll be about 82 when the countdown is complete. That will be a lot of blogspace by then.

Didn't make another tea last night. Symptoms seemed fairly quiet so need to overdose on tea. Read until it got fairly late. Reading a SciFi short novel about a planet set up and run by women--no men around. I may make it through the whole thing since it is short. It's an interesting premise, but the writing is deadly dull. Even though each chapter is supposedly written (as a journal entry) by a different person, the characterization is zero so it all reads the same.

Also picked up SlipPage by Harlan Ellison. The forward chronicles his several heart attacks and surgeries. It highlights his admonition--Pay Attention. He tried to push through the episodes as if they were distractions and not life-threatening events. And, it all started with an earthquake (shaking) that nearly leveled his home.

Rains have come! Been storming on and off all morning. I've been moving slowly today. Rains not making it inviting or exciting to get out and about. Wet holiday shoppers paying their holidaze dues.

Dreams got lost in the early hours shuffle. There were dreams--but no memory of what they were about. Raindrops drummed the dreams away. Feeling dreamy now. May climb back in bed and read some before venturing out into the weather. Wonder how long it's going to rain?
*************************************
Finally did make a pot of tea and it moderated the shaking. Drank some Sleepytime from Celestial Seasonings. It has chamomile along with other herbs. It did not moderate the symptoms as well as straight chamomile. After dinner, I went with L to a pub where I had a beer (which seemed to stimulate the symptoms), a piece of apple tort, and a cup of chamomile (Stash brand). Again, it seems to be moderating the symptoms.

It's wonderful to experience a cessation of the tremors. They came out of nowhere, just an occasional shaking a few months ago. They peaked after I took the medication for those few days and stopped the dosage. It was as if the medication moderated the symptoms, but then enhanced them when it was stopped. Now the herbal tea seems to be moderating the symptoms. Go with the flow! And look into other possible herbal remedies. I'm thinking of valerian root as a possibility. Need to do some research.

6001

Dreams | of people | of family | no details now | just the whisper of the heaters |

Been experimenting with chamomile teas. When I drank some last night, the tremors abated for several hours as I read and went to sleep. Dreams were muddy, perhaps from the tea. But there was stillness versus yesterday's shaking and vibrations.

I had a cup with breakfast and even diluted with the food there was a quietening for a few hours. Will try an afternoon cup or an after dinner cup and monitor the symptoms. Thank goodness (God-ness) for something so simple and benign that helps moderate the symptoms.

L is up in Sonoma today for a pre-holiday festivity with her friends. We didn't make it dancing last night--she because of things she needed to get done--me because I was still and didn't want to move or go out in the cold.

People are out shopping and gathering for the holiday. Spending and paying, making the holidays brighter.

Rain is falling. It's starting to come down harder, tapping away at the windows, striking the leaves of the garden plants. I feel like hibernating, wrapping up in warm blankets, making an herbal tea, and staying still, exceptionally still.

There is a dance tonight, but it's up North and with the rains I may let it pass as well. Wonder how long the rains are predicted and with what intensity? Will check the weather site, eventually. Being without a TV and only listening some to NPR, I've lost track of things. It's been over a year since I've had a TV available. I've been absorbed in my own dramas, but hopefully they are nearing a resolution. Tea time, stillness time--let the sleepy times roll.
*************************************
Ate dinner and went to the library to pick up something to read. Haven't had tea yet. Found myself getting quiet after eating. Maybe this morning's tea is still having an effect, maybe.

Feeling pretty good compared to the past several days. Wednesday evening had the first quiet period. Then last night, and this today. Had a tamale plate for dinner--good solid food.

I want to jump up and shout over the relief I've received in these moments of stillness. Also realized that it's been about a month since I stopped the medication. Could it be that it's taken this long to empty my system of the drugs? I wouldn't be surprised. There are stranger things that could happen. Or, just to add to the confusion--Are the brain supplements kicking in? Too many variables. Glad that there's been some respite. I was beginning to wonder what I was going to do to maintain until next month. Thanks to the universe for this much needed break.

Listening to Prairie Home Companion in the background. Beautiful sounding women's group singing, making harmonies--The Wailin' Jennings (??) out of Canada.

In the news there was an announcement of Jack Anderson's death. He was diagnosed with PD in 1986. He was currently 83. He stopped working in 2001. And, so? No particular reason for noting this event except that it was mentioned that he had PD. Of course, I counted the years--he was diagnosed when he was 63 and I'm 66 and so what? Just rabbit mind making noises and creating dissonance.

Will do a tea report tomorrow should I take a cup tonight. Right now not feeling the need to brew a pot. Listening to PHC and the holiday songs...sweet, sweet songs.

6002

Dream scenes | stark | geometric forms | endless repetition | smooth concrete buildings | that seemed to extend forever |

I was walking through the geometric landscape. Every now and then, I'd stop and reach down into an opening in one of the forms and pull out a person or and object. Everything seemed to be hidden in the openings. There was a silence, a stillness, that permeated everything. As I moved or lifted people/objects, there were no sounds. The action looked like it was slowed down. All the movements were smooth and fluid, like a dance or ballet. It was very peaceful.
*************************************
Awoke to a lot of shaking. Tried to fall back to sleep, but didn't make it. Finally, had to get up and start moving. Did Qigong series and tried to meditate. Had a difficult time sitting still. Made it up and out at last. Went to the grocery store, library, bank, and came back to eat here (yogurt, mango, bran muffin). Wasn't that hungry since I had a substantial meal last night. Indian food, again! Something about that food really agrees with me right now.

Saw the man who walks downtown who has a severe case of PD. He walks and stumbles, but seems determined to make his way. He was the one who was frozen and needed help getting started (a few months ago in the bakery).

Talked with landlord (H) and learned that his son-in-law has PD. He's on medication and doing well. He's able to travel and work without any severe problems.

I tickled the Treatment Team people regarding my schedule. Would like to confirm things with them before moving--although I'll move anyway--just for the exercise (NOT) so that I'm staged over there whenever treatments begin. I'm still holding to the belief that I'll be better off in the long haul by not being on medication. Want to give the PDRecovery process a try and see where it takes me. But, the shaking/tremor is becoming more noticeable (to me) and makes me long for any moments of stillness I am given or that I create.

Landlord said that they had a guest room that I should feel free to use if I come back over the hill. That was a nice offer from him. I was touched. I've been touched by everyone's support and well wishes, offers of help moving, and general concern. Nice warm feelings.

I continue to visualize myself as healthy even with the shaking and symptoms. I see myself walking, running, moving effortlessly and reaching a point where I am glowing with good energies. I continue to ask the universe for its guidance, support, intercession, joy, healing energies, and helping me learn what I need to learn from this condition. I ask that I be given the wisdom to know why I've been asked to walk this path, this route. May the universe respond!

Probably going dancing tonight. Movement is mandatory! Will go for a walk while the sun is out.
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Did neither. Got too cold walking. Drank some Chamomile tea with dinner and tremors abated. Instead of going out into the cold, stayed wrapped in blankets and enjoyed the non-shaking that took place.

Also forgot to post this entry... was enjoying the quiet so much I forgot that I hadn't posted...

6003

Dreams | delayed | deleted | dropped | disappeared | dwindled or such.

No hint of what I may have dreamt last night. Finished reading the Good and Evil book by the person who runs the Radical Honesty workshops and programs. This book is a novel and it's quite novel in its own right. Came away with the conclusion/impression that everyone is crazy--it was certainly so for the characters in the story. And, was it a story or was it reality disguised as a story? Anyway, it was a quick read for the most part. Read and sleep--and erase your dreams as well.

Went to the chiropractor today--good energy in that place. Older woman, MJ, works there in exchange for treatments. She's 81 and has been diagnosed with PD. She's on medication now for 9 years and has had symptoms for over 15 years. She seems to be doing fine on the medication, especially when augmented by nearly daily adjustments. She said it was important to keep exercising to ward off tightness. She has no tremor at this time.

I saw my old friends J and L. Told them of my diagnosis and prognosis with SC treatment team. Also told my landlady and her husband of my plans to move and why. Spreading holiday anti-cheer today. Catch myself thinking about last times doing certain things--like laundry. Place is a zoo now that parking is taken up by the new food place, so I probably would end up not going there anyway, but still played an image of me leaving the area.

Actually, will be good to be in a new place with new people. Will energize the brain cells some and get me out of automatic mode for a bit. Chiropractor said something today to another client that registered with me. He said once a person recovers their health they will do whatever it takes to keep it, maintain it. The shock of losing it, or having become diminished, puts everything into focus and helps create priorities.

I certainly feel the shock of it all right now. I've been in this state of shock for nearly a year, as my health waffled back and forth and kept getting weaker. Now, I glory in a single moment when I feel whole once again, feel healthy. I tell myself that I am healthy, that I am in good health. I remind myself of what it feels like to be unencumbered by distraction, loss of focus, feelings of pressure, shaking, etc.

Exercise and practices, such as yoga and Qigong, plus meditation, walking (running, cycling), dancing, and more. Keep seeing myself doing some kind of rhythmic physical work--something that breaks a sweat and moves the muscles.

One thing at a time. Get moved. Get positioned for treatments. I'm sure there's plenty of volunteer activities that I can agree to do.

Had an interesting reaction last night. I met MD for a tea and sandwich. I had a green tea and a pecan bar. While I was with MD and we were talking, I was shaking quite a bit. Later, when I got home, the symptoms quieted down, a lot. Was it the tea? The sugar?

Today, I made myself a cup of green tea after eating breakfast. It didn't seem to fully quiet the symptoms, but some of the sideways pressure that I feel on the shaking side seemed to moderate. Will keep experimenting and watching. The cessation last night was wonderful. Like that experienced with the restorative yoga class. Hmmm! Watch, look and listen!

6004

Dream machine | was pretty clean | last night.

Got up early and did a round of Qigong before heading out to meet P for a short while. Came back from the morning jaunt and rested some, and meditated. Shaking and tremors are getting more pronounced. Still just on the left side, thankfully. One month before I begin treatment sessions in Santa Cruz. Need to start walking some each day to help moderate the symptoms. And get a massage or two.

Saw S for lunch. She's finishing up with her finals and getting ready for the holiday break. Heard from F in Southern California--they've made an offer on a house. Looks like a go. Good for them!

Meeting MD for a tea and cookie in just a bit. By the time we finish that will make for a full day. Did take a rest this afternoon. Not sure if I slept. But did slow down some.

6005

Dreams | were lost | left in the multi-dimensional space of dreamland | hidden in the dark matter |

Started the clearing process. Some progress, even if it's only cleaning up the piles of debris. Also went online and started making everything electronic (paperless). Set up bank account, IRA, annuity, charge card and a few other accounts as e-accounts. Since I'll be away from my home base, I need the capability of going online and handling things. Makes sense even if I were at home base, but now I have a reason for the season.

Been bubbling all day on and off in the joy and body sensation arenas. Feel like my system is hiccoughing along, sputtering with optimism, and clunking with darkness. Yesterday was not a fun day until L and I went to get a cup of tea and a pastry. Came back calm and settled after a whole day of seeming tension and movement. Slept well and deeply. Awoke feeling good.

Starting to slow down some after eating a light lunch. Have a restorative yoga class this afternoon that I'm looking forward to doing.

Finished the book on physics and string theory. Interesting book, written for the lay person, but complex enough to keep the non-math types churning along. It's an up to date snapshot of where physics has been and seems to be headed. M-Theory, D-branes, manifolds, strings, multi-dimensions, and more. He talks about a tesseract, a 3-D shadow of a 4-D cube. Takes me back to my first college physics class where the instructor started off the course with that object. I could have easily been a theoretical physicist, but for the quirks of life. I had the math and science skills--they just got directed in other ways. Dreams of what might have been.

And then there's the SciFi stories. Read one last night that dealt with a stranded alien and a senior citizen, who was not quite all there. Touching, moving story. And then there was the statement by one of the authors that now that she had all the time in the world (kids are grown) to write. All the time in the world! What a feast!

So clock time ticks and seconds pass--suns decay and turn to gas--black holes dance and matter shrieks--turns in orbit without squeaks...
*************************************
Went to the restorative yoga class and it was wonderful. I just need to keep on doing Qigong, yoga, meditation, and things like that non-stop. Just need to change my lifestyle, change my life.

Spoke with P for a bit. She quoted an epitaph from a minister who has cancer that refers to the "themes that moved my life." What a resonating phrase! What are the themes that have moved my life? Anyone's life? How comforting it would be to know them as we move along. BA pointed out some of the themes that showed up in this blog in my dream entries. He copied and pasted a list of those dream elements and emailed them to me.

Were they the themes that moved my life? They certainly are some of the themes that have moved his life. For me, they are but recent dreams. Somehow I sense that all of my themes have been but dreams. Maybe so. And if so, that's still a place to start.

In yoga class tonight, the theme was faith and surrender--letting whatever is be what it is. Bow down before the universe, the One, and let things be what they are, what they were meant to be. See everything as being perfect just as it is, without embellishment, excuses, judgment, or consideration. I will dance that dance. I will sing that song.

And drink my Sleepytime tea as I head for the bed. Dreams on the full moon, rising!

6006

Dreams | active | battles | feats of daring | lost in the caves on a distant planet.

I dreamed that I was on an asteroid or small moon near a larger planet. I was with a companion and we were being pursued by aliens. We kept encountering small pods of the aliens and making our way around or through them. There was one scene where the alien threw a lighted strip of cord our way. I grab the cord as it went past us and boomeranged it back to the alien. He was so surprised that he jetted backwards into an open elevator. When he entered the elevator, the door closed with him and the cord inside. There was a mini-explosion and some smoke issued forth from the crack in the elevator doors. The whole dream was filled with incidents and mini-battles like this. My partner and I survived all the encounters as I awoke.
*************************************
Went to the chiropractor this morning. Look forward to going there and getting some relief from the ubiquitous shaking and other symptoms. Had breakfast on the way back and sat for quite a long time after I returned. Probably nodded off, but was a respite from the symptoms.

I just want to sleep. I keep feeling like curling up under the blankets and staying in dreamland. Perhaps a way for me to deny what's happening. Symptoms are light but persistent. Like a constant light pressure on the muscles and nervous system, and a constant sensation in the brain/mind system that requires/absorbs attention.

The first thing I'm going to do when I'm able to travel is go someplace warm. The cool/cold weather triggers the symptoms. Heat tends to help keep them under control, or at least moderates them. Sunshine here I come! Soon as I can travel some!

Time to start sorting through the small debris piles I have accumulated. Sort and discard preparatory to packing and moving. I keep hearing the Banana Boat song in the background. The lyrics keep echoing in the air. Day-O! Jamaica Farewell!
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Day winds down. Dark clouds gathering in the evening skies. Looks like a promise of rain, but may not happen. Seems to be warming some; not quite as cool it seems. I also went and had dinner, which is helping warm the system. Was hungry for protein, for fish.

A couple ordered a mega-dinner for just the two of them. Many pieces of fish, chips (french fries), salads, appetizers, rolls, drinks, and more. I kept peeking over their way to try and see just how much they were eating. He was rotund and she was healthy. I was too embarrassed to simply stare at them. Bon Appetite! I wish them well.

Did a search in and around Felton for a yoga studio. There's one just down the road from where I'll be staying. I can probably walk to class and back--good news. Should be other resources nearby as well. Landlady is a massage therapist (and a samurai adept)--interesting combination of skills. Have to search the area some more and find out what else is nearby/available. Find it in Felton!

6007

Dreams | of building software systems | huge blocks of code | to make something.

We were developing a piece of software that would allow others to create custom software products more efficiently. I was trying to get a couple of the software engineers to create some examples, some prototypes, of a particular set of modules. I was having difficulty getting them to create some templates. They kept wanting to flesh out the complete set of modules. I kept telling them it wasn't necessary. We only needed to show the idea and not the fully working code. I awoke on this note. Much of the rest of the dream dealt with ironing out details and bringing the code up to a level where it could be walked through, even if it was not fully functional.
*************************************
Lazy, hazy, crazy day! Not really, but rhyming sounded good. Actually a bright, sunny, cool day. Crisp and clear. Bummed about most of the day. Spoke with P and S. Got a letter from BA with an article about a young man who was diagnosed with PD at 22. Some motivational words in the article, and some words that are never spoken. He's on Sinemet and the article underscores the difficulty of managing the medications. It says nothing of long term effects. It says a lot about the man's attitude and hopes. He got married after he was diagnosed.

Went for a walk on the baylands. Ducks, people, dogs and bicycles. Many ducks! Will miss this area once I move over the hill. I've been here for 35 years! I've actually lived in this area (city, domain) for nearly 40 years. A long time. Something I hadn't really thought about until I went for the walk today and realized I may be leaving things like the baylands behind (as well as a lot of people whom I know and who know me). Bittersweet! There's samurai warriors in my new back yard, but a crowd of people, places and things in my old one.

New places, new faces. A card game with no aces. The holiday season rushes forward. Two more weeks until Christmas, then New Years, then on my way (like in the banana boat song) and won't be back for many a day.

Meanwhile, I read, I rest, I eat, I move, I dance, I practice, I dream, I clutter, I empty, and I do a million other tiny things in between waiting, praying, thinking, watching and so much more. I reach for stillness and I gather air. I say good night to the setting sun and await its rising, await its glorious return.

6008

Dreams | of distant places | planets | stars | and galaxies.

Or was that from just reading the hitchhiker's guide. Picked up the Adams' book since it was on the shelf at the library and I hadn't read it. Wacky book. Wacky ideas. Fun reading.

Went to the Felton today to see my friends' guest room. Strange place they live in--and old speakeasy with a labyrinth of small rooms when it was used as a brothel. The owners (landlord and lady) were conducting a martial arts class when I arrived. They were dressed like samurai with swords and such. Looked like fun.

Place is nearly on a creek and just a few steps from the trailheads leading into a vast park. The drive, of course, was brutal (for me). Took a lot of concentration on my part to stay alert going and coming, although coming back was a bit less intense since I knew where I was going. I still was fairly tired from the jaunt. Glad that I'll be over there and not have to commute.

Took the road from Felton to SC to check it out. Not that bad. A 15 or 20 minute drive, but nothing like having to come across the hill. M&E's place is right in "downtown" Felton and right on Highway 9, which is a really busy thoroughfare.

Will be good to be there, to change locations, and to be near the sea. It all feels right, right now. It's the start of a new phase in more ways than one. Wonder if I have to get a samurai sword?

6009

Dreams | of children | learning | teaching | The kids were giving presentations | about science | mathematics | and other topics | They were helping the adults understand just how the universe worked and manifested. |

Inverted day. Got up and did Qigong and then laundry and then errands and then a short rest and soon be off to dancing. Spent a lot of the day observing how the symptoms interact with my body and mind. There's like this light pressure continuously pushing on my right side. It pushes in my arm, my ribs, the side of my head, my leg. For blocks of time it's only barely noticeable. Then, there are the times when the shaking becomes evident and there's nothing else to think about except the tremoring.

Today was sunny and a lot warmer. Sunny and warm helps reduce the intensity of the pressure and the shaking. Cold weather = lots of shaking.

So what does this all mean? Who knows? I'm just hoping things stay manageable until I get over the hill and begin treatment sessions. Just a bit more than a month away.

Got my lab reports back from the clinic. Everything's clear. Cholesterol is on the border, but it's down 20+ points from the tests done early this year, and my LDL is back within range.

Go tomorrow over the hill to see the room I'll be staying in at my friends' house (M&E). Don't relish the drive, but need to start scoping out the place and what I can/cannot bring with me. Discovered that my bank has a branch near their place, and that there's a Whole Foods-like store nearby as well (New Leaf, I believe). Looking good so far.

Well off to dancing. Been awhile since classes stopped. Won't know any of the newer dances, but will be good to shuffle around some.

6010

Dreams | appeared | and stayed lucid | for a change.

I was in a hilly area. There was a ridge with a steep dropoff that swept up behind me. I stood near the banks of a stream. It was sunny and bright. Up on the ridge, there was a man who lived in a cabin whose roof was barely visible from down below. The man had dropped ropes off the edges of the cliff at various intervals. Each rope was secured to anchors up on the ridge, and each was numbered with a degree of difficulty rating. Daily, the man would appear along the ridge, climb down one of the ropes, and then work his way back up to the ridge. Although it looked randomized, he chose the ropes and difficulty levels intentionally. I was somehow related to the man and the ropes even though I was not up on the ridge.

In a second part of the dream, I spotted a furry, cat-like creature walking silently through the undergrowth where the steep part of the hill met the bank of the stream. I watched the creature move noiselessly through the underbrush and make its way to a place where there was path that led toward the water. When the creature stepped away from the brush, I noticed a small black bug-like creature trailing the cat animal. It walked along behind the cat animal and sometimes jumped onto the cat animal's back, riding as the cat animal moved. There was something symbiotic about the way the black bug creature stayed with the cat animal, something that was beyond just hitching a ride. They were a pair--they were tied to each other in some way.

The cat animal veered onto another path that led to a rustic building nestled up against the steep ascending wall. The cat animal went inside the building. The black bug creature followed. They both disappeared into the place. I started after them and awoke.

This dream was very tactile, detailed and clear. There were no swirling mists or hazy scenes. Everything was in sharp focus, brightly lit, and detailed. The cat animal was a quirky looking animal with strange fur, definitive markings, but unlike any particular animal. It was part raccoon, part koala, part sheep, part armadillo, and part badger.

The black bug creature was scarab-like. A live black scarab. It had a long black tongue or tail that it used to reach out with and attach itself to the cat animal. It was a dense dark blackness, like an animated lump of coal.
*************************************
R&B dropped by the area this afternoon. First time I've seen them a quite some time. R is his regular crazy self. They're settled in to their new place with all of their animals. Horses, donkeys, goats, sheep, dog, cat and otherwise. Was good to see them.

People are networking in as my health updates move outward. Good to hear from people. Awoke hungry (and kind of zapped by the dream recounted above--the dream leaves me with a tickle in my belly, in my rebellious Qi) and have eaten a lot today. Still don't feel like I'm hitting on all cylinders, but at least I'm hitting.

I'm usually managing to do a Qigong session when I awaken, and some moves before bed. Seems to keep things on key. Also the chiropractor's work helps as well. Will try and keep that going when I go over the hill. Will get a referral.

Holidays are storming closer. Maelstroms are dancing on the seas. The winds subside.

6011

Dreams | there were | like phantoms | not clinging to awakening | absorbed back into the mists.

I think the string theory/multiple dimensions book is clogging up the dream machinery. I'm dreaming, but the sense of the dreams is that they're taking place in another dimension. Also, I'm doing a lot more meditation, visualization, energy animation, etc. Session with GH yesterday, followed by restorative yoga class, followed by active visualizations may have crowded up the dream space.

Reading a set of short stories by Eric Puchner, Music Through the Floor. Gritty, edgy writing with a lot of steam underneath each tale, each set of characters. Has the sense of "Oh, no! Am Ii reading this?" but going ahead without pause. The stories compel the reader to read and wince at the expected strangenesses.

So plans become more solid regarding a move over the hill. Awaiting a nod from the PDTeam regarding scheduling, but it feels like events are moving forward. Lots of things I could worry about, but I'm not going that route. Focusing on all that can be gained.

As I ate a late breakfast (lunch) today, there was a man reading a document at the next table. At one point, his right arm and leg were dancing all over the place. It looked like a PD tremor, but he seemed almost unaware of it happening. It came and it went, and he paid his bill and left. Shaking out!

Made me aware of my own twitches and variations. How what must be, must be. The main thing that I feel is going on is a sense that the shaking and movement, the lightly felt pressure that sometimes seems to be there, all contribute to using up energies. I feel tired and have to drop down for a nap, as if I had been running a race and need to restore my energy reserves.

Can't skip a meal either. That does set off the alarms and buzziness. Have to eat, eat carefully, and eat regularly. No slack in this domain. And then there's the weather--the cold. Another trigger. Soup last night is a double-dose remedy--warms the body and supplies nutrients--one-stop shop.
*************************************
Took a nap, I think. I was reclined, but not sure if I slept or not. Time passed. That is the only certainty. Awake or asleep, the clock hands continue to move. Also not sure that brain supplements are affecting the shaking/tremors at all. Seem to be making me more alert perhaps and able to think more clearly, but not sure if they are affecting other symptoms. Not bad news. More like know knew news or something like that.

Feel like taking a walk, but it's cold now and might be starting to rain. Long for the sun. Will reward myself once I recover with a trip to a warm place (Hawaii or other tropical domain). Thoughts of that possibility makes my toes get warm.

Time to forage once again. Had a good lunch (even though they brought me the wrong dish), but starting to feel the rebellious Qi in the stomach channel kicking up the juices. Onward to foraging I go. Ho, ho; ho, ho!

6012

Dreams | are like shadows | dancing on the wall | leaving no trace of what was there.

Dream slurry keeps happening. Partially caused last night by poor sleep. Not sure what caused a flood of sleeplessness right when I decided to close out the evening. Tossed and turned last night like I was in a butter churn.

Perhaps triggered by the good news -- I've been accepted into the PDTreatment team program, which starts all manner of balls in motion. Good and goodly news! Adrenaline mind starts in right away. Natter, natter, what's the matter? What can go wrong? What kind of problems is it going to create? But I'm getting smarter! Yeah! Yeah and oh, yeah! Release the joy, send out the heralds, announce the birth.

So, anyway--Have sent off a proposed schedule. Looks like I'll be moving over the hill the week of 1/8/06 and will start sessions with the team the week of 1/16/06. The rest is future history.

Did blood tests today and started the wonderful PSA recordings. Spent a valuable hour (plus) with GH establishing the ground of being for staying in a state of openness and not fear. Finding that sanctuary--the lake scene--where I was in touch with stillness, peace, openness, and joy.

Went to restorative yoga class and encountered more stillness, peace and joy. Lots of stillness today despite the shaking. (I thought about saying in my note to the PDTeam that hearing that I was accepted left me shaking with joy, but I controlled myself. I'll save it for later.)

What else? Lots of things today. Little moments. As if the shell around things is breaking up. Yoga teacher read a passage from Gay Hendricks book where he describes a transcendent experience he had that flipped his world view, put him in touch with bliss. Where he shook with joy. May we all have that chance, that opportunity, that richness.

So I dream tonight of healing light and the welcoming of guests into the place where I am still.

6013

Dreamed | about something | but lost the dream handle as I awoke | waking and dreaming seem to have merged |

Reading Hiding in the Mirror, a book about multi-dimensions, string theory and science. I think one of my dream states involved one of the hidden dimensions, a folded universe where I don't have PD. There were thoughts or dreams (who can tell the difference, really?) dealing with being in both universes with slightly different attributes.

Awoke with a stiff right leg (tight muscles in the upper leg) and soreness/stiffness in the lower back. Something's been unraveling all week in the leg. It's almost as if the FSR work has started just from reading through the materials. Not likely, but possible in some universe.

Anyway, it was good to go to the chiropractor this morning and get an adjustment. Came home really hungry. Went to the Peninsula Creamery and ate a hash brown pie breakfast plate. Then went for a goodly walk to get some air, sun and exercise. Leg held up fairly well on the walk. But, didn't walk as far as I normally travel so as to not stress the leg and muscles.

Tremor was more noticeable when awakening. Calmed down at chiropractor's office and stayed so through breakfast. Supplements should be kicking in--energy-wise it seems to be happening.

So, awaiting news from the PDTreatment team regarding acceptance into the program and initial steps. Been reading through the years of PDer's communications regarding their recoveries. Lots of information; lots of data. Most of it deals with people who were on medications when they entered/participated in the program. Would make poignant and painful documentary.

I got another call from MSR. She caught me in a cafe again. Returned her call, but got her vmail. Someday we will connect. Guess I'll head into the lab tomorrow for the blood work that the doctors ordered, and to pick up my PSA kit. May also do laundry, see GH in early afternoon, and make it to yoga class (yum at the thought of taking that class). Days go by.
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Took a nap and picked up several emails from the Recovery group list server. Got one message from a woman in Michigan whose mother went through the treatment. They discovered that she didn't have PD, but some other condition. So recovery is possible in more than one way.

I spent the afternoon fidgeting. Couldn't seem to settle down for some reason. Ate a snack and that helped, but was still on edge in some way.

Got two pieces of good news. Social Security had made a mistake on the amount they paid me this year. They are sending a check in December with a year's backpay. Not a lot but every bit helps. Then got another letter from them saying they are increasing payments starting in January with a cost of living increase. Raises! I got raises in my retirement.

And... just got an email from the PDTreatment team... I'm in the program. Just have to work out the schedules. Good news! The note indicated that I could set up a schedule that would allow me to commute back and forth, but that doesn't feel right. I think transplanting myself over there makes the most sense. Especially now that I know that members of the team do long term care. The time has come the walrus sez...

Finish out the holiday season here, but move there around the 1st of the New Year... and begin the program somewhere in that window. Have to think it through, but trust that this is where I need to be headed. Guidance, please! Guidance and joyous thoughts!

6014

Dreams | were there | soft and mysterious | no content | just impressions left in the heart and mind.

Bumped into JV this morning. JV is in a wheelchair. He received spinal injuries in an automobile crash many years ago. He's now 63 and admitted that he never thought he would live this long. I can only begin to imagine what his days are like. He seems to be completely at peace with where he is and how he is. He's on daily drugs to alleviate pain, I presume. He doesn't project himself as a person locked into a wheelchair. He's active, engaged, takes stands and lives his life as fully as he can. He's inspiring.

I shared with him my condition and where I am in the process. JV listened and asked good questions, and wished me sincere regrets for what I'm encountering as well as good wishes for my future.

Feeling somewhat lost--lost in space--today. Went out for breakfast and now it's almost time for lunch. Food--food--with nothing else in between. Although that's not exactly true--had talk with JV, went to library and picked up a new book on string theory, walked a little, etc. Fill in the blanks--and there are many blanks to be filled. Responded to a couple of emails--nice statements of support from family and friends.

Brain supplements seemed to trigger good energy over past two days. Not much happening today--might have just been placebo effect, but will continue with them and see. Shaking/tremor was noticeable when I was talking with JV. Less now. Stress and tension does bring it on--I was feeling strange talking with JV about my relatively minor issues when compared with what he deals with every day.

Looking forward to my session with GH on Tuesday. We have much to cover, much to be discussed. I feel like everything is looming, hanging heavy and waiting to come down. If I move to Felton, I have a fair number of logistical issues that will need to be addressed. Right now, my mind doesn't want to wrap around those items and begin to clear them. Nothing new in all of this, but I feel one level less willing to engage than I normally would.

Maybe lunch should be pursued and see if that shifts my focus a bit. Onward to eating I go! The Don Quixote of the luncheon menu. Food, fool, food!
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Walked downtown despite a catch in my right thigh and hip. Felt good to push on through and make the walk. Didn't go dancing and there are no dance classes for the rest of this month--so walking is it. Was disconcerting though to experience the leg not moving well. More of what's to come? Perhaps.

Continued my scan of the recovery group's message board on Yahoo. They have a 6+ year archive of people's communications around the topic of their recoveries and what happened to them in the process. Unfortunately, for them and me, most of the discussion so far involves med levels. Having read the current info from the PDRecovery people, I know where the stories are headed. Brave people in many cases, but where meds got out of control in both directions--up and down.

Listening for the music. Waiting to hear the song. Don't know how it happened. How it all went wrong. But there is the music. Playing wild and free. Somewhere there is music. Playing just for me. And you. And everyone. Everyone I see.

6015

Dreamless | again | perhaps a resting period | while the dream stuff accumulates.

Sun out today, but still cool. Like a bright winter's day. M has found a massage practitioner in SC that is familiar with Tui Na (also accupressure and Reiki). That's a nice set of skills for what I think I'm going to need.

Spoke with S and let her know that I might need some help once the PDRecovery process begins. She said she could help out. That's good to know. Got a note from BA giving me a supportive kick in the Qi regarding getting on with the use of my skills and talents. He's spot on with where I'm starting to find myself. Yes, I have a condition called rebellious Qi in the stomach channel, but so what? What's next? What is it that I can be doing, must be doing, in order to heal and give back to the community (universe)?

MSR had sent me a note after I broadcast update #3 that said she found it pretty easy to sort through the alternatives when she was faced with the reality of her illness. It brought her to terms with what was important very quickly. It didn't take a lot of time with a therapist.

S also spoke about diet and figuring out what I need to be eating. I had just gone to the library this morning to look through the Prescription Healthy Diet book. RS had mentioned the book the other day. It has a section of nutrient and food items for someone affected by PD. Main thing--lots of raw foods, low animal protein, and shows some of the supplements I'm already taking.

So lots of things and actions queued up and ready for the games to begin.
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Found a PDRecovery group on Yahoo! Has messages back to 1999 from people who are/were in the program. Plan to walk through the message board and get the gist of what they've done.

Some worries starting to arise about just what happens in the recovery process--specifically, does anyone actually recover or do they trade one set of symptoms for another? It's confusing since what happens varies based on the PDer's drug history. Makes for some interesting questions to ask the treatment team.

Put a post on the PDRecovery message group asking for people's experiences with the treatment if they never used drugs. Also asked for referrals to practitioners. Found an article (and book in process) by a German man who had experienced the PDRecovery process, but has not positive things to say about what to expect.

My brain supplements seemed to pick up my energy again today--can't say for sure about tremor/shaking--if there was any lessening today. I was on the computer for a long time and that kept my arm in tension, so it's difficult to see release happening.

Well, enough of the computer screen for today. Let the good nights roll! Let it roll, let it roll!

6016

Dreams | elusive | not recalled |

Also didn't awaken gently, by letting my spirit slowly reinhabit my body. Awoke and flopped around until I got up to go to the bathroom. Yesterday, I awoke slowly and brought myself to consciousness.

All of this activity was prompted by the final chapters in the Handbook. In those chapters, a lengthy discussion is presented around the idea of playing tag with the body parts. Seeing, visualizing movement and then having the physical self follow along. They talk about how in sleep consciousness is withdrawn from extremities and body parts, and then is expanded back out when awakening. The encouragement was to actively notice this process and to be with it when it happens as part of the recovery.

The overall admonition is to not be on automatic about everything. Stop, see, hear, listen, learn, be open, foster joy, and don't revert to old patterns and habits. Anyway, I regressed this morning. Get to try again tomorrow morning and on and on, until I don't get to do so.

Spoke with RS today. He was letting me know that CR had passed away, after a long illness. Last time I saw CR, he looked pretty fragile. RS and B will be down this way next week and we'll have a lunch together. Will be good to see them.

My foot seems to be ready for recovery. Been getting twinges and tingles in my right foot--as if it's anticipating the upcoming recovery sessions. Also restarted the brain supplements today. Will see if they affect things one way or another.

Plan to dance tonight--or try to at least. Have a slight cramp in my lower right calf. Probably related to the foot twinges. Will stretch out and see what happens. Can always sit down if it becomes to bothersome.
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Ended up not dancing. It's gotten really cold and I just want to hibernate. L and I went to MV and had a dessert and a tea (for me)/coffee (for her). Delicious pecan bars! Now that's turned on the dopamine system.

Feeling energetic and shaking has been minimal despite the cold weather. It seems that the brain supplements have at least a placebo effect, maybe more. Will take a few days to gather more datapoints, but I think there's something there--of course there's always something there (there). Hmmm! Getting Escherized!

At the cafe, there was a man talking with a woman about some film projects. He talked non-stop for nearly 1.5 hours and he was talking when we arrived and when we left. The woman said almost nothing while he droned on and on about the importance of communications. Hmmmm! The universe requires all forms to create the fullness of expression, perhaps.

I'm feeling like there's something I need to start doing. Not sure what that might be, but am feeling the urge. It's like a yearning. I'm feeling like a shift is imminent, likely, poised. A shift to what or where or when isn't clear. Perhaps it's the rapture? RB told a story last night about a preacher who arrived at a church for a sermon, but the place was nearly empty. He asked the few people there if perhaps the rapture had happened. That would explain why there were only a handful of people present.

Time to dream of rapture--of floating in the mists of time until the sun returns--a time to snooze.

6017

Dreams | about a new toy | a magical toy that used a virtual space to create itself |

In last night's dreams, I was playing with a new toy that let kids project images of objects across a distance, and have the images be recognized by a reception device. The kids would choose an object from a menu of items, point the device (which looked like a remote control) at a reception device across the room. The image of the object would appear in space and move to the reception device. When the object encountered the reception device, it would be absorbed by the device and recognized. The reception device didn't have to be in the same room or in line of sight. The object image would go "looking for" a reception device and lock onto any one it encountered. We were having a ball playing with the objects and devices.

There was another dream sequence that I didn't recall, but it was dream with a mood and tone that still lingers.
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Went to the neurologist today and confirmed the diagnosis of PD with him. I sent out the following health update (marked as Update #3) to my F&F distribution list... Will past a copy of that update at the end of this post.

Had dinner with RB. Had to stick with the Rasta Pea Dinner, but it was excellent. Was good to visit with RB and discuss my health strategies. He's been there/done that in spades. Lots of rain today along with thunder and lightning--auspicious day this day one of December.

RB said I looked relaxed and up. Still shaking and moving, but it's starting to slide into the background versus what I'm doing/engaged with. Tomorrow I'll read over the PDTreatment application to see if it needs any final tweaks, then ship it off. Have some blood tests that the doctors want me to have done, and the old favorite PSA sampling activity.

Here's the update #3 note that was sent out today:

Hi everyone--

I've seen the doctor and the neurologist and they both agree that I'm exhibiting early, "mild" symptoms of Parkinson's Disease (or as the PDRecovery people call it -- Rebellious Qi in the Stomach Channel).

I'm doing two, no three things as follow-ups to this diagnosis --
1. I won't be taking any antiparkinson drugs. The neurologist said that I should explore the next two things first, see what happens, and revisit the use of drugs questions after seeing what takes place with the alternative actions.
2. I'm going to start taking my Brain Sustain supplements again. I stopped taking them about the time the tremor/shaking manifested. I believe that the supplements were working and were holding off the PD symptoms. The supplements deal mostly with providing energy to the brain cells. It won't be a complex test--I'll restart the supplements and see if the shaking/tremor subsides.
3. I'm sending my data/info to the PDTreatment team, asking them to accept me into their program. My goal is to get an intake session with them and get a 2nd opinion from them regarding the symptoms, what they think the symptoms demonstrate, and what the team proposes as the next steps.

I am hopeful and somewhat relieved that I appear to have some space/time to work with the alternatives. Earlier this week, I did a restorative yoga class. After class I had a good meal, and for most of the evening the shaking/tremors were still and quiet. This outcome fits with what the PDRecovery people say about the issue--joy-based, dopamine-based thoughts and actions can help restore balance versus adrenaline-based, crisis-based actions and thinking, which only further deplete the system's resources.

That's the news for today... will continue to post updates as events (and miracles) unfold... Blessings to everyone for your support and love... Rzzzz